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This is my story

34K views 105 replies 50 participants last post by  missthelove2013 
#1 ·
It's probably nothing new. Many have gone and are going through it but it's my story.

I love my wife.

She has always enjoyed attention. She pledged her faithfulness and I believed her. And honestly if she pledged it again I'd still believe her.

She's Chinese. She goes back twice a year. Three years ago she returned to China for the summer mainly to see friends and travel. I can give more specifics but afterwards she returned home telling me she travelled with a man friend and developed feelings for him. As it turned out she stayed at his apartment during the summer visit.

She apologized and said she understood if I could not forgive her. She said she regretted it. I love her. I want her. She makes me happy. But it hurt. She promised it was over and that the summer was just a "thing." It was out of her system.

She's a fitness fanatic. We are both fit. She does draw the eyes of many men. She brags about it and I laugh with her. Men can show her attention, I thought, but there's no harm as long as she was faithful.

A few weeks ago she was in bed and I was sitting in the living room. Her phone was on the table next to me charging along with mine. She received a text and it displayed on her screen. It said, "good night you sweet thing." It was from a man I know from our club.

The next morning I handed her the phone and asked what was going on. She admitted she was flirting with the guy by text messages only. She was angry with me for snooping but I wasn't. It was a message that displayed directly to her phone's main display.

I was suspicious and checked our cell phone bill. I found several incoming and outgoing calls and text messages to two men from our club. She denied anything was going on and that I was in the wrong for checking our phone activity.

She said the text messages were innocent but flirtatious. She never slept with them. She promised the text messages would stop.

Two days ago I was paged out at home from my work. I picked up house phone and pressed history to page back to find my office's data center phone number. There in the history was one of the men's number showing he called into our house. I asked her about it and she said it must have been a misdial and that she has not been in contact with him.

The past two days have been stressful. I feel she hasn't been honest. Nothing adds up. When I got home tonight she left right away saying nothing. Our daughter, actually my step daughter, told me my wife was going to the club.

This is where I went wrong. I used the Find My Phone function for her phone. She was at the home of they guy that called into our house. I actually drove there and found our car parked. I started driving home and called her cell. She didn't answer but called me right back. I admitted what I did and knew where she was. She admitted she was with him.

She said she loves me and went to his house to break it off. But now that I know she can't face me. She said she's sorry she hurt me but can't come home. She asked that I give her some time. I was confused. She said she wanted to break it off with him but now that I know she wanted to stay there with him because "it didn't really matter any more." She said she still loves me but says I'll never be able to forgive her.

I understand her feelings. She is a stay at home mom. Her day is going to the club to work out. Maybe she's been going to see him too, I don't really know. I work and come home. I know it may sound self serving but I cook and clean and do laundry. She is nice to me and compliments me saying she is living a dream. She is thankful for what I do. I feel good. But then all this has happened. I'm sick. I don't know where I went wrong. She is torn between her life here and whatever this other man can provide. I have to be strong in front of my step daughter (17 years old) spas the daughter has AP tests tomorrow. I have to take care of her.

I know my wife is sad and so am I. I don't know if she will come home. If she doesn't I'm afraid how I will feel resentment. If she stays I'm thinking her loyalties are with him and his feelings despite saying she loves me.

I'm a professional man with a good career.

The other man is a marriage counselor.

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or sympathy or just to write this out. I'm sure I've done things wrong that has made her find interest in others. I know she's responsible for her own actions too.

I hope she comes home. If so I'm hopeful we can piece this together. If she doesn't then I'm afraid I will resent it.

I know I made myself out to be a saint. I'm not a bad guy.

I am sad tonight. Very sad.

That's the story. As plain as I can say it.

Please forgive my typos. Thank you.
 
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#2 ·
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need to find out if these men are EAs (emotional affairs) or PAs (physical affairs). I've known women like this. They need to feel wanted. Maybe you can talk to her about being open with all her things (email, phone, and so forth) and get in marriage counseling. It sounds like she may need some individual counseling as well to deal with whatever is in her that makes her need to feel wanted by more men (all men) than just her husband. You're young and fit now but how's it going to be when she's old and can't get that kind of attention anymore. I'd ask her that question too. I'm so glad you found TAM. I'm going through something similar right now and I'm struggling and am no expert. I'm sure you'll get tons of good advice.
 
#4 ·
Sorry you are here.....
First of all seems to me that your WW takes you for granted.... for all you know about she had an A. in the summer, some EA's and this other A. going on! Seems to me she is a serial cheater that enjoys doing it. If I where in you i would start to seperate all financial matters, then expose the A. to all your friends and family expecialy the OM family and were he works! He is a M.C. and goes around messing with married women? wow, rip his ars up !
This exposure most be done ASAP!
Then talk with a good lawyer and have him prepare the D. papers.
When they are ready pack all of your WW stuff and leave them in front of OM house with a copy of the D.papers in good sight. Then go away on vacation for at least 1 week.
In this meantime do not answer her calls nor text's ... you need to detatch from her, go 180.....
how old is your Step D.?
 
#5 ·
She is 17 years old and a junior in high school. Her father is a hour flight away but she's so invested in her school. I don't want to disrupt it. She's very bright. She has her eyes on MIT or John Hopkins. This whole development tonight has me afraid for her. She need stability and I'm again sorry to seem self serving but I am stable. I love the little girl. I've been her step father since she was five. I want the best for her. And I still want my wife back.

Edit: her father is a very good man. We are all on excellent terms.
 
#36 · (Edited)
Tell her father what's going on. You may even learn that your wife did something similar when their marriage broke down. If you're on excellent terms with him, he may be a supportive figure to you, which you need right now, and you can work together with him to get his daughter through the upheaval she is about to experience because of her mother.

I would say that one of your priorities would be getting this young girl through the rest of her school year with as little stress as possible. If that means keeping her with you while your wife lives with another man, you might have to do that.

After some discussion she is apparently asking that I allow her to see him for a 'time' (whatever that means) so she can sort out her feelings for him. She offered to move out and in with him if that would lesson the pain. (I asked her about our daughter and she said she would take her to move in with him, then later amended that to say she could maybe just stay with me. She had no answer as to what she would tell our daughter as to where she was living during that time.) Or she and I could stay together during that period (as she sees him I guess). She said she didn't think "it would take long." Again whatever that means.

She admitted that the idea seems crazy but it's what she thinks she wants. I told her I wanted her to stop seeing him completely and end all contact and stop going to places where they might meet. She said she didn't think she could do that. She said she was tired and wanted to sleep.
Let me translate this for you. She doesn't want space. She doesn't want time to choose between you and the other man. What she wants is to have both. She wants you as the stable provider to her and her daughter, and the other man for sexual excitement and emotional validation. Now that you know about the affair, she can spend as long as she likes over there without having to work around deceiving you. Cheaters who tell you they want more time to figure things out really mean that they want more time to figure out how to convince you to accept their lover. What she wants can't be done and what you want she's already chosen not to do, so there's no point waiting for anything to happen.

If she won't clearly choose you, she's already chosen him and is just too cowardly to say so.

I fear this is beyond repair.
You can't fix something, no matter how hard you try, that the other person continues to break over and over again.

I am angry with him especially due to his profession and the fact, according to my wife, trying to persuade her to leave and join him. He knows she's married with a young girl. That's infuriating. But my wife is responsible too and not blameless.
Who knows what he's actually saying. Your wife has already established herself as a liar. She could be putting all kinds of words in his mouth to deflect blame for her actions.

But I want to ask a question about exposing him. That's sound revengeful and I don't think I'm feeling that need yet. I'm not opposed to meeting him face to face and have a non-violent but direct talk with him. Exposing him might end their relationship it but does it have any other positive result? If she choses to walk awa from him and enter counseling maybe this marriage can be salvaged.
Exposing cheaters isn't for vengeance and it isn't for improving the chances of saving your marriage. What it saves is your sanity. Right now, while it's secret, no one knows, and you have no one (but us) to confide in and get emotional support from. Meanwhile, your wife and her man have each other and their bond strengthens. Willingly keeping their secret is like approving of their relationship.

Exposing gives you the freedom to talk about your situation with your family and friends, and get the support you need right now.

What use is you helping them keep their secret, except to save them from disapproval by their own families and friends.

And, personally, if I was seeing a marriage counsellor, I would want to know if he was a complete hypocrite. You owe it to his clients and his firm, if he is not independent.

Confronting him won't increase the odds of salvaging the marriage. It might increase your risk of accidentally doing something you shouldn't. She's told him you know about them, and he wants her to leave you. Seeing you in person isn't going to make any difference to his reaction.

Also, a marriage is only salvageable after an affair if the cheater drops all contact and works very hard on reconciliation. Your wife isn't doing that. Ergo, the marriage isn't salvageable.
 
#6 ·
My husband has been my daughter's only dad since she was 3. He has completely abandoned her. He wants everything to do with OUR son though. Kudos to you for making her a priority.

Tell your wife if she wants to stay in the marriage she needs to stop all communication with any other men and give you absolute access to everything. Phone, computer... Go to counseling together and make her take it individually.

Nip this in the bud!
 
#7 ·
Look, I’m very new here. I’m just learning how to express myself and communicate in this forum. There are people around here who can eat an average MC professional for breakfast. Listen to them. The only thing I’m good at (because that’s how I make my leaving) is to make decisions based on facts. Your facts are:
• Your wife is from overseas (China). Not thinking stereotypes here but I wonder what is the story behind your marriage
• You raise your step daughter (is she your wife’s daughter?)
• You work, bring home your pay check, cook, clean etc. She stays at home and goes to the fitness club
• She enjoys attention of other men
• She has been unfaithful ate least 2 times (sounds like 2 confirmed PA’s and 1 EA to me)
• She lies
• The only thing you seem to be worry about is to “take care of her”.
Either your story is unreal or this makes you a willing cuckold. My apologies for that statement.

Read these facts in abstraction from any emotions you have, listen to other people here. I’m 100% confident being nice won’t lead you anywhere, IMHO
 
#9 · (Edited)
I am sorry for your pain and situation but I am not gonna be gentle with you regarding the true.

your wife is a serial cheater, she have had two full blown affairs, plus an EA (probably also a PA) comfirmed to this moment, and this is only what you know with very little diging, normally much more is revealed when the BS do a full and conscientious investigation, she have many red flags that scream carefull for anyone looking a realtionship with her.

- Validation issues
- flirting bahaviour
- Enjoy male attention openly and unreserved (while being in a relationship)

another thing that is painfull to see in your post, is you desesperation to have her back as if she is making you a favor by giving you a chance to win her back.

my friend nobody deserves to be cheated in his realtionship, does not matter the status of the other person (if he/she is the richest person in the world, a world famous actor/actress, a sport idol)

you have said it yourself, you are fit, you are succesfully in your career, and you are a good man that involve himself in the daily chores, as your WW said, you are capable to provide a woman with a dream life, she treats you like crap because she has taken you for granted and you allow it. but you are someone who any woman will be lucky to have.

you wrote in your post that you are afraid to find with whom her loyalties are, with him or you, the answer is with neither, her loayalties are with herself, she looks for what is better for herself without considering anyone's feelings, she left her daughter with the man she betrayed and is thinking what is better for her staying with you for the life you provide or with OM with whom in this moment she have the dopamine rush (that evetually will pass), but while she was with him she was at less also emotionally cheating with a third man from the club, so no loyalties for anyone but for the satifaction of her desires.

regarding the OM, if you want him out of your life, expose him with everybody, in his face book page, in his JOB (damn he is a marriage counselor and is screwing someone's else wife and ruining another man marriage) expose him to his clients and see how he will drop you wife a hot potato or he will lose everything.

but man, still even if OM rejects your wife and she comes back to you crying it will be just a temporary solution, her bahaviour will not change unless she realize her problems and look for a TON of help (IC, support groups, TON of books) and even so most likely she will cheat on you again in the future when another suitor willing to ignore her marital status appears again in some years.
 
#23 ·
regarding the OM, if you want him out of your life, expose him with everybody, in his face book page, in his JOB (damn he is a marriage counselor and is screwing someone's else wife and ruining another man marriage) expose him to his clients and see how he will drop you wife a hot potato or he will lose everything.
^ ^ ^

THIS!! :iagree: :iagree:

A marriage counselor has a certain standard to live up to professionally, even if she is not his patient. I would most definitely expose this cad -- it would not sit well in his profession. Many doctors, if they found out about it, would stop referring patients to him. It would really hit him in his wallet.
 
#10 ·
Turin, my story is 100% truthful. I haven't presented anything untruthfully. I was divorced when I met my wife. My step daughter is from my wife's previous marriage. My wife and her husband came the the United States on academic scholarships. He is very successfully engineer. My wife as an accounting degree from a high ranking B10 schools.

I was a successful wrestler for many years. She liked my popularity and awards. I walked away from the B10 to wrestle internationally. My teammate and I wrestled in tiblisi tourney. I pulled a fish but my partner pulled Alexander Karlin, if anyone knows him.

My wife like artistic and warm hearted. I can be that.

Twice I've read the term cuckold. I do not know its definition. I've googled it but still not sure how it applies to me.
 
#11 ·
No problems, I meant your story is very... dramatic, shell I say. And I think I know who are you talking about, did you mean Karelin? He retired in 2000.

Wrt cuckold - in my vocab it is the husband who doesn't have enough guts to end wife's infidelity and got used to be plan B. Sometimes finding masochistic pleasure in this or something like that. Sorry if harsh. Just look at the facts above, try to pretend it is your best friend's citu... what would you think?
 
#12 ·
Tell your wife that you are willing to give her up, but come home for your daughter's sake. You can fake being a family for a year so that she can to go university.

Your marriage is dead. Do an in-house 180 to detach from your wife in preparation for divorce. Your step daughter is doing AP's for college. You need to do advanced placement for divorce.
 
#13 ·
First and foremost please realize how much she is lying to you right now. Went to his house to break it off? Lie She is staying at his place because you cant forgive her? Blame deflection Innocent flirting but nothing going on? Lie

She regretted getting caught was all. Everything else is excuses. You must quickly understand that you did not cause her to have affairs. Until she wants to take full responsibility for that she is lost to you.

Nothing adds up, yet everything does once you take your heart and emotions out of it. She is having affairs, she is not showing any remorse for her actions, She is trying to guilt you to forgive her. I understand you are sad and hurt, this is a horrible thing to go thru. She is sad because she got caught. Had you not confronted her, she would still be living this lie and probably lying in bed next to you perfectly content to use you.

Talk to an attorney tomorrow even though you don't want to. Quit listening to her excuses for now and give yourself some distance so you can start looking at your situation better.
 
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#14 ·
Your wife is not a good person.

She is poisonous to your life.

Do you agree ?

And honestly if she pledged it again I'd still believe her.

People can help you but you need to stop being in denial...

Ever had friends that were destroying their lives but you couldn't do anything but watch it slow motion ? You are that guy now ?

She is using you for your money and raising her kid while f*cking other guys on the side
 
#15 ·
Hi.

Besides the great advice by others which I agree with, I'd strongly recommend you start IC immediately, and stop being the "Mr. Nice Guy/doormat" (and I'm saying that as someone who was one for way too long). As for your (step)daughter, maybe she can stay with her dad for a while if she needs a stable environment. Also, whatever happens, make sure (together with her dad) that she gets proper counselling, because I'm sure whatever will happen (even if you stay with her mum) will affect her, no matter how much you try to shelter her. Don't let your (step)daughter be an excuse for you not standing up for yourself.

Oh, and get tested for STDs and stop having sex (especially unprotected) with your "wife". Go see a lawyer. Carry a VAR. Keep a copy of evidence someplace safe. Talk to your friends&family about this. Above all, don't stop posting here!

Best wishes!
 
#16 ·
Thank you all for listening and the advice.

She came home late last night. We talked for a couple hours.

She apologized for hurting me. She told me the affair has been very short but they have had sex at least once. She said he is encouraging her to leave me for him and that he says he loves her. She said she sees things in him she doesn't like but sees other things that are fun and interesting. She said she does love me and doesn't want to hurt or lose me but has asked me to 'give her some room.'

After some discussion she is apparently asking that I allow her to see him for a 'time' (whatever that means) so she can sort out her feelings for him. She offered to move out and in with him if that would lesson the pain. (I asked her about our daughter and she said she would take her to move in with him, then later amended that to say she could maybe just stay with me. She had no answer as to what she would tell our daughter as to where she was living during that time.) Or she and I could stay together during that period (as she sees him I guess). She said she didn't think "it would take long." Again whatever that means.

She admitted that the idea seems crazy but it's what she thinks she wants. I told her I wanted her to stop seeing him completely and end all contact and stop going to places where they might meet. She said she didn't think she could do that. She said she was tired and wanted to sleep.

I've slept for a few minutes but awake again. I need to take our daughter to the AP exam and then get to the office.

I fear this is beyond repair. It's really unlikely she will agree to stop going to places where they could meet. We live only a few miles apart.
 
#17 ·
I've seen it quoted over on marriagebuilders that marriage counselors have a higher divorce rate than the general population.
This 'profession' means that he knows how to use his words so he's by nature a very slippery weasel.
Should you have any interaction with him make sure to record it just in case he tries to back you into some kind of legal corner. This may go for your wife as well. Consider him to be a pro and well aware of how to manipulate the legal system against you.
 
#20 · (Edited)
dude, I have alot to say to you but I am busy and have to travel to another city, please before anything expose her and the OM like crazy to everyone to your family, her family, in his JOB, in his face book, twitter, if he have a intnernet page for his JOB comment on it, with his neighboors, I mean with everybody, specially for his JOB he will be forced to throw your wife liunder the buss or he will lose his reputation and destroy his career.

Exposure is one of the best methods to end affairs, you may be a fraid of she getting angry at you, but belive me when I say that is one of the best methods to acchive one rapid solution and and stop draging this situation any longer and being painfull for you.
 
#21 ·
Thank you for your advice and your kind concern.

I am angry with him especially due to his profession and the fact, according to my wife, trying to persuade her to leave and join him. He knows she's married with a young girl. That's infuriating. But my wife is responsible too and not blameless.

But I want to ask a question about exposing him. That's sound revengeful and I don't think I'm feeling that need yet. I'm not opposed to meeting him face to face and have a non-violent but direct talk with him. Exposing him might end their relationship it but does it have any other positive result? If she choses to walk awa from him and enter counseling maybe this marriage can be salvaged.
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#24 ·
Haiku,

Exposing the affair is not "revengeful"; it's called fighting for your marriage.

Affairs continue because most people are embarassed (you are viewing this as a personal failure right now) and "don't want everyone to know." That's EXACTLY what has to happen.

To sit back, "give her time" and allow her to continue seeing this creep is CONDONING her behavior.

When you expose, you ruin their little game. Suddenly, it's not a romantic fantasy world anymore. Reality will come crashing down on them real quick. Bad behavior = BAD outcome for them. Having an affair has serious repercussions in your life, your reputation, your honor. Let them suffer the consequences in their lives, their reputations, and their honor.

Expose!!
 
#30 ·
Your wife is a repeat offender. She will continue to have her fun at your expense. That leaves you with two options:

1. Dump her. She has no respect for you. Find yourself a good women that treats you right.

2. Become a cuckold. A cuckold is a guy that enjoys having his wife have sex with other men. (Some like to be humiliated as well.)

I don't get the whole cuckold thing myself but hey whatever works for some people.
 
#32 ·
2. Become a cuckold. A cuckold is a guy that enjoys having his wife have sex with other men. (Some like to be humiliated as well.)

I don't get the whole cuckold thing myself but hey whatever works for some people.
That is the fetish definition, the original definition is a man whose wife has had or does have sex with other men, but it doesn't necessarily have the agreement or knowledge part for the husband, so if she is cheating a hiding it and he is unaware, he is still a cuckold by the original definition.

I personally don't like the terms use at all, as even though the original terminology might be meant or intended when describing the BH and his situation, too many only know the fetish definition and thus the guy looks and is portrayed worse than he should in the public's eye and also too many still think the guy is cuckolded if his wife says the A is over and yet still sneaks away. He never gave consent to it, but people assume he is cuckolded which in the fetish terminology gives the consent part.
 
#31 · (Edited)
I work and come home. I know it may sound self serving but I cook and clean and do laundry. She is nice to me and compliments me saying she is living a dream.
You sound like an excellent house boy my man. I'm sure she does appreciate it. Let me be straight with you Dawg; you may love her but she has absolutely no respect for you. Neither does she love you. If she did, she wouldn't be the "clubs" bang girl. Also, you need to cut the crap about the 17 year old daughter. That's an excuse to not leave in order to take what crumbs she throws you.
Here's another bit of knowledge for you, et. al. with wives and girlfriends who need attention from other guys. These gals are fu--able. If you think they are not, you're fooling yourself. (well, maybe 1 is 10 is not. The rest have probably already done some other guy.)
 
#34 ·
Nice!!! ;)
 
#35 ·
Seems like nearly all they guys have the same basic message. Take control of the situation and fast. Your W likes the attention, most people like the attention of the opposite sex (and even some of the same sex) BUT and here is the boundry. When that requirements takes hold and starts to invade the boundries of your marridge vows then you have the right to step in and call it a day.

You have basically 3 options.
_ Suck it up and live with it
_ Take control of your W and lay down the finer boundries and clearly let her know - one more step over that line and its bye bye
_Hit her with D papers now and see if she realy wants to be committed. I doubt that theis will have much effect unless you make it clear that you mean business.

Love her to death or not NO-one and I mean NO ONE needs to be treated like a door mat.
 
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