I'm married but fell in love with another woman
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-30-2010, 05:08 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm married but fell in love with another woman

First of all please apologize for my possibly bad English.

My story is the following: I'm married since 1.5 years and we are together since more than 10 years. She was/is the first woman in my life. After 7 years i felt that it should be the appropriate step to go forward with the relationship, and we got married. We were already over the burning love period, and i accepted that this is how it has to be.

The problem started half a year later, because i got a job in another country, and now we are living apart since about 2 years, meeting only every 2-3 months for some days.

A few months ago i met a girl with whom we have almost the same interests in most of the things. She even shares my devotion to martial arts (that was the reason we met on the first place), we are training together 2-3 times a week. After spending some time together, discussing about many separate topics it started to be clear for me that she has the personality i was always looking for and btw. never thought i will find it in one person.

I have butterflies in my stomach whenever i meet here. I almost forgot that this type of feeling exists. (i felt it the last time when i was a teenager)

Of course i know what i promised to my wife. I would never hurt her. We have all the memories of the last ten years. She would break completely if i would leave her. And so it's out of the question what i have to do, but it's not that trivial. I do not wanted this love. I was training with very pretty girls before, (by objective measures even prettier ones than the One causing me trouble now -> actually it's not the body but the person i fell in love with) and never had problems before.

I would like to get rid of this feeling or control it. If anybody has some experience or a good advice how to get through such a crises i would appreciate it.
Just for the record:we were not dating, or doing any inappropriate action up to now.

Sorry for being a bit too long. It is already better a bit that i wrote it out of me.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm married but fell in love with another woman

indespair: Here is the good:

-- I don't see in the post any mention of children. So, no kids...
-- Only married for 1.5, although being together for 10...

The bad:
-- You are having an EA
-- if you're not careful or dedicated it may turn into a PA.
-- You're correct it will hurt your mate like hell

Just keep in mind you had the same feeling for your wife at the beginning. How do you know the feeling for this new Karate woman is not going to be the same after sometime. Our brain deceives us by filling some unknowns (just like the blind spot gets filled in our vision), and also by eliminating some other facts (just like if I showed you a picture with ten people in it and then removed two and showed it to you again you may not notice the two missing).

M.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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So sorry, these things are happening to people everyday everywhere. It's Not uncommon but affairs Do bring total chaos into life, great pain and impossible torments. Most of all they leave you in terrible confusion and feeling no way of escape from the conflicts you now face. I hate to hear it because I know very well how it feels.

Very very often we are "sure" we are madly in loveand can't live without this person. Once it happens it's very possible to happen again and again and each time you will be "sure" this is the special person for sure.

Not saying it wouldn't work out if you had met her without being married, but the statistics are significant that people who separate because of affairs do Not end up for long staying with the affair partner.

So the big question becomes...if not for this Karate girl, would you truly leave your wife? That's the question!!!

Feelings/Emotions....positively can and do: Deceive us, lead us astray, and put us in impossible torment. The problems, pain, guilt, and torment "can" become Greater than succeeeding in changing life to get with this girl. This is something we only "See" later after life destruction has occurred.

The only way you can truly leave your wife is...if that's what you wanted to do anyway...before you met this girl. Otherwise the feelings you have now "can" happen by meeting any number of girls...

The only eal way also to straighten yourself out is to completely break it off and never see her anymore. As long as you see her you will not have the power to resist. It's Very hard...but many major life issues are at stake...and the Bottom line is "Always"...."Always"...that

Satan desires to destroy our family, marriage....and then continue working from there.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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@moeman:
Thank you for your suggestions. No children. Actually we were trying it since a year. This was adding some stress to the relationship too, since it was not working. The only purpose of our meetings was/is nowadays "reproduction"... Sort of "must to" do it...
BTW what is "EA" and "PA" ?

@laurelanne:
Thank you for your answer too. I'm not willing to leave my wife, but this falling in love - as i mentioned in my post - is not happening with me usually, i mostly don't let it happen. But now i wasn't able (or not willing to) fight against it. Maybe fleeing from the problems. Your suggestion of never seeing her again is a bit complicated because she is also a college (this i forgot to mention)
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm married but fell in love with another woman

Why doesn't your wife live in the same country as you? Long distance marriage/relationship usually does not work good in the long run.
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
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@moeman:

BTW what is "EA" and "PA" ?
Welcome to the forum. EA: Emotional Affair, PA: Physical...
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I am gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you are not in love with this new woman, but you are in love with the attention she gives you. Things between your wife and iffy, you feel like she only wants to see you to reproduce and here is this new girl giving you all her time and attention without any expectations. As soon as you become involved with her, she will have expectations,and you might find yourself in the very same spot. I would get some distance and see what you can do about working on things with your wife. Talk to her about how you feel about your meetings feeling more like a reproduction thing instead of a marriage thing.
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Old 12-01-2010, 01:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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@notreadytoquit:You know life is just like that. My contract was elongated from one half year to the other...

@moeman: Thank you for the info.

@DawnD: I think i do agree with you. I will try my best. I already started today to keep distance from her.

Update info: I started to analyze myself. I think that the opportunity of "speaking" freely about my problem helped a lot. I think now, that i will be able to manage this relationship. I'm not saying that this girl will become completely indifferent to me, but if there is a difference between us and the creatures of the planet then this difference is that we can go against our instincts.

Thank you all again. Hopefully i won't start a topic here again
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Old 12-15-2010, 03:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Dear All,

A last update of the story...

In the last weeks i've grown up. Learned a lot about myself and about the problems of my relationship. I will write it down here, maybe it helps others too.

The problem: My wife was the first woman in my life (mistake Nr1). We got together very young with all the idealistic imaginations about relationships, life etc... We were very gentle nice and caring towards each other throughout the years. When we met she was a sweet nice girl, i was a nice boy, but 10 years passed. We were still behaving as a nice boy and a nice girl. All this is very nice, but gets boring in 10 years, especially because maybe in yourself you evolve, get more mature maybe a bit perverted (in the sense of the sexual life) getting interested in some wilder things in sex, but you don't say this to the other because come on this is the nice sweet girl. I can't tell her all those dirty thoughts i have. The same happens on the other side. Probably even harder for a woman. So our sexual life was getting more and more boring, but i thought that this is how it has to be, you know 10 years passed...
This is a bull****... Maybe i won't get excited whenever our skin is touching, but still i need to be crazy about her, and this is where the other girl comes in the picture...

So then, i met this girl, who was more like me in many senses, also showing here attraction towards me (this is an important point since i always had problems with self confidence due to the fact that i was a very (a very very) fat kid actually until the age of 17), she was interesting and new... I got confused, still having the ideal picture of relationships where you love your girlfriend/wife and should not be attracted to other woman (btw this is another bull****... ). I felt myself miserable because i was feeling somethin' towards another woman what i should feel towards my wife, but i didn't... I think that was the point i wrote the first post. You know it was the case of "i can't tell it to anybody, so i'm telling it to everybody..."

A week ago i got into a PA with this girl by getting a bit drunk (to be honest she got more drunk...) but luckily we stopped before getting too far. It was still a great experience, since i was together only with my wife up to now, i did not know whether i'm good or whether i can turn a woman really on. Now i know that i can do, and that i'm good.
After this almost PA i talked a lot with the girl, she is a very cool person, and we agreed that we find each other attractive, but that's it. It is actually a good feeling, to know this.

After some days i finally was able to tell my wife all my problems with myself with our relationship (not for the first time, this took 3-4 times 5-6 hour talking) opening more and more getting more to the root of my/our problems. I even told her the things about this girl, and she was much cooler then i ever imagined. Of course it hurts a bit but she was sort of feeling it that somethin' happened since i'm a very very bad liar. To be honest i can't lie at all. If i can't tell something i just become silent and not saying anything -> which is clear for anybody who is not as simple as a piece of wood, that by this i'm admitting what i did/thought/whatever. And my wife is a very clever woman, (to be honest i was never ever attracted to these empty headed but with first class body girls...)

Finally i reached the conclusion, that getting attracted to other woman is not a big deal, it is natural. We humans are not monogamous. I as a conscious being can decide so and keep myself to my word, but my body gets attracted towards what is attractive, and this is just good so. One should not care too much about it, rather try to enjoy this feeling, and if you get turned on by this other new and interesting person just use this feeling to make your sexual life even more exciting, and give as much pleasure as possible to your wife, and at the same time be Selfish... This is a very important in a long time relationship. If you are not selfish then with time somethings you will miss a lot and will start to feel anger towards her, and think it's her fault that you can't have what your would like to have.

BTW after i told here all my attraction to that other girl, we found out finally that we have/had too childish behavior towards each other, and even our home is a bit childish. We haven't thrown out anything but put away in boxes those things that are belonging to our past but is not belonging to a woman and a man. It turned out that she would like me to be sometimes not that nice and gentle in the bed and that she has some cool, a bit perverted desires what she never told me. Now that i know that she thinks about such things i can hardly stop to think about her continuously and imagine her in all those situations. It seems we grew up finally. (i hope so)

Oh and i did not broke all the relationship with the other girl. We are still training together maybe every now and then we even flirt, but nothing more. It's just good for my vanity, and for hers.
If i would just tried to avoid her it would not solve my problems. One must always face the problems and not running aways from them.

My advice is to never accept the fact that your relationship got cold. If you have nothing in common then give each other a chance to be happy with someone else, but if you have a past that was good, and you think that you must have a common future too then never accept the absence of desire. And yes one must become a bit perverted with time... just to make sex exciting , and be selfish not too much, but never give up things that are important to you because with time (maybe only after 10 years) you will miss them a lot.

Wishing you all a nice day, Merry Christmas and a Happiest New Year

NotAnyMoreInDespair
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Old 12-15-2010, 03:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indespair.now View Post
First of all please apologize for my possibly bad English.

My story is the following: I'm married since 1.5 years and we are together since more than 10 years. She was/is the first woman in my life. After 7 years i felt that it should be the appropriate step to go forward with the relationship, and we got married. We were already over the burning love period, and i accepted that this is how it has to be.

The problem started half a year later, because i got a job in another country, and now we are living apart since about 2 years, meeting only every 2-3 months for some days.

A few months ago i met a girl with whom we have almost the same interests in most of the things. She even shares my devotion to martial arts (that was the reason we met on the first place), we are training together 2-3 times a week. After spending some time together, discussing about many separate topics it started to be clear for me that she has the personality i was always looking for and btw. never thought i will find it in one person.

I have butterflies in my stomach whenever i meet here. I almost forgot that this type of feeling exists. (i felt it the last time when i was a teenager)

Of course i know what i promised to my wife. I would never hurt her. We have all the memories of the last ten years. She would break completely if i would leave her. And so it's out of the question what i have to do, but it's not that trivial. I do not wanted this love. I was training with very pretty girls before, (by objective measures even prettier ones than the One causing me trouble now -> actually it's not the body but the person i fell in love with) and never had problems before.

I would like to get rid of this feeling or control it. If anybody has some experience or a good advice how to get through such a crises i would appreciate it.
Just for the record:we were not dating, or doing any inappropriate action up to now.

Sorry for being a bit too long. It is already better a bit that i wrote it out of me.
I think we are suffering from same situation.

After 3 years, I tried everything & I haven't get rid of my emotional affair.

What I can realise is the moment we fall in love with someone else is the moment our marriages are cursed.

It's not that easy to get out of that curse because our emotions don't listen to our brains. It's very hard to control our emotion what we can control is our behaviors.

You can think of her but don't actually go to meet her meanwhile, you will need to work on your own marriage. To ignite the sparks between you & your wife again.

Things like that are exactly what I'm doing.
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Old 12-15-2010, 07:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I think we are suffering from same situation.

After 3 years, I tried everything & I haven't get rid of my emotional affair.

What I can realise is the moment we fall in love with someone else is the moment our marriages are cursed.

It's not that easy to get out of that curse because our emotions don't listen to our brains. It's very hard to control our emotion what we can control is our behaviors.

You can think of her but don't actually go to meet her meanwhile, you will need to work on your own marriage. To ignite the sparks between you & your wife again.

Things like that are exactly what I'm doing.
Dear MsLonely,

Maybe you haven't read my last post, but actually i wasn't keeping distance from that girl and this turned out to be the right decision in my case. I even got into a semi PA with her, that is giving me self confidence, which i was missing a lot.
I never really believed my wife when she said that she finds me sexy. On the one hand she is loving me, and it's possible that she just don't want to hurt me while on the other hand we never were honest enough each other regarding our sexual needs and so i never saw her going half as crazy, reaching such an ecstasy what this other girl reached under my caress and touch.
This gave me the confidence that i'm capable to satisfy a woman, to give her the pleasure she wants and deserves.
Now i know that if we are honest with each other (and we became during those long discussions)*then i will have the chance to make her loosing her mind. Maybe by the help of a small amount of alcohol occasionally. To understand this you should know that both of us were abstinent up to now due to bad experiences in our families in our childhood (the maximum i ever drank was about 1-2 glasses of wine, and this happened about 3-4 times in my life). But i have to admit that the alcohol just like almost everything is just as bad as the person whose using it, and it can be very useful is somebody can't relax herself.

About love: I never had problems with loving my wife, you know that type of caring love, when you have this very warm feeling inside. This feeling is vital for a lifelong relationship, and i will have no problems if this will be the only thing what we have when we will be 70 (you know at that time i will be probably happy if i can pee every day without a problem ), but for God's sake we are just 29. We must be able to turn each other on.

What i accepted now is that it's not a problem if it's not only her who turns me on... Nothing against christianity, but this part of the 10 Commandments "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" puts a lot of guilt into many people, while it's a natural thing. And maybe it works in an age when the rock of the woman was never going above the ankle, and when you lived your life in a small village, but nowadays thanks to my job i'm lucky enough to meet people from all around the world, to know interesting cultures, and even more interesting/clever/funny women of these interesting cultures. It is stupid to think that i never get attracted to any of them. If this would be the case i would be worried about myself...

So cheer up, and i hope you will find your way back to your husband. If not then it is better to brake up sooner...
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Old 12-15-2010, 02:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Honestly you lost me indepair. You called a make out session with a woman outside of your marriage a "great experience" and you are still hanging out with this girl after letting your wife know what you did. Honestly, you say that being around this girl solved your problem, but it didnt and it doesn't. You finally decided to man up and tell your wife you couldn't picture her as anything other than a good girl, and you went and found some other woman to stroke your ego. Honestly, it would appear that you need some counseling. Does your wife know you are still hanging out with this girl and flirting with her??
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Old 12-15-2010, 07:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Dear MsLonely,

Maybe you haven't read my last post, but actually i wasn't keeping distance from that girl and this turned out to be the right decision in my case. I even got into a semi PA with her, that is giving me self confidence, which i was missing a lot.
I never really believed my wife when she said that she finds me sexy. On the one hand she is loving me, and it's possible that she just don't want to hurt me while on the other hand we never were honest enough each other regarding our sexual needs and so i never saw her going half as crazy, reaching such an ecstasy what this other girl reached under my caress and touch.
This gave me the confidence that i'm capable to satisfy a woman, to give her the pleasure she wants and deserves.
Now i know that if we are honest with each other (and we became during those long discussions)*then i will have the chance to make her loosing her mind. Maybe by the help of a small amount of alcohol occasionally. To understand this you should know that both of us were abstinent up to now due to bad experiences in our families in our childhood (the maximum i ever drank was about 1-2 glasses of wine, and this happened about 3-4 times in my life). But i have to admit that the alcohol just like almost everything is just as bad as the person whose using it, and it can be very useful is somebody can't relax herself.

About love: I never had problems with loving my wife, you know that type of caring love, when you have this very warm feeling inside. This feeling is vital for a lifelong relationship, and i will have no problems if this will be the only thing what we have when we will be 70 (you know at that time i will be probably happy if i can pee every day without a problem ), but for God's sake we are just 29. We must be able to turn each other on.

What i accepted now is that it's not a problem if it's not only her who turns me on... Nothing against christianity, but this part of the 10 Commandments "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" puts a lot of guilt into many people, while it's a natural thing. And maybe it works in an age when the rock of the woman was never going above the ankle, and when you lived your life in a small village, but nowadays thanks to my job i'm lucky enough to meet people from all around the world, to know interesting cultures, and even more interesting/clever/funny women of these interesting cultures. It is stupid to think that i never get attracted to any of them. If this would be the case i would be worried about myself...

So cheer up, and i hope you will find your way back to your husband. If not then it is better to brake up sooner...
Thanks for your response and many good insights.

I totally understand now you feel very happy that you have found this girl.

Please allow me to share with you just a view.

Your wife only has only 1 man in her life, not only you, but also she's lacking of skills & playful ideas in bed.

The girl who you have a crush on, instead, she's already experienced more than 1 man, probably more than 10 men, so, of course, she knows how to enjoy sex better than your wife

It's not your wife's fault that she's never experienced other men in her life.

If you would allow your wife to sleep with 10 different men from now on, she will be an excellent hot woman to your surprise. Wanna bet?

Knowing that you're falling in love with the OW, it's mostly about sex, fun & chemistry at first stage of the relationship, and luckily, you have found this girl who meets your sexual needs, she brings you joy in the day and much excitiment at night; however, to develop a serious & long term relationship with the OW, there are still lots of hardship & arguments awaiting you.

Your wife, instead, has been with you for 10 years. (save the sweat) She might not be a perfect woman in bed "at this moment," doesn't mean she will never be the hot woman you want in the future.

To be fair, you should allow your wife to have some trainings!

I would recommend let her experience 7 different men per week and have 5 orgasms per round. How does that sound? I know you don't love her anymore, so you wouldn't mind.

You can have fun with the OW, so you can also let your wife have her own fun, right?
__________________________________________________ __
Communication is the key.

After 10 years, there's nothing you can't talk or make a complaint with your wife. I'm sure in many perspectives, your wife is a much better partner, a better person than the girl who you have a crush on.

As soon you're able to break the old routine with your wife by injecting something new, she would once again become a nice choice, you never know how wild a nice girl can be, don't downgrade your wife too early.

Last, please remember that the OW has slept with a married guy, you, something is wrong in her that you will see in the future.

Maybe I'm wrong. If you think I'm wrong, pls never mind. You can get married with any reasons and you can get divorced with any reasons. It's based on your free will.
__________________________________________
Yes, I'm working hard finding a way, falling back in love with my husband with all the thoughts that I have shared with you- our old spouse is the best spouse.

The secret is I screw my husband's brains off as often as possible and I told him I want 5 orgams per round. He did it and he's exhausted... but happy.

Last edited by MsLonely; 12-15-2010 at 07:20 PM.
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Old 12-16-2010, 05:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Maybe due to my bad english you all got me wrong. At least i think so.

First of all, i haven't slept with the OW, and i'm not in love at all with the OW. We started to get into it, we touched each other, we turned on extremely, but we stopped. Did not go further. And since that only one almost occasion, there was nothing. You know why?

Because i finally understood, that there is nothing special in getting physically attracted to another woman. So it can't be a reason to hurt my wife and by this ruin my own life. And yes my wife knows that i'm still training with that girl (and i really mean training, that in our case is kicking and hitting the other badly). And flirting in my case is only in words, nothing physical, nothing special. It's just fun, and to be honest after that we talked with the OW about our almost relationship these flirts became more like teasing a friend.

And i wouldn't feel that bad if my wife would find a man physically attractive, because i know that we love each other and we are connected by all the memories and by all the plans we have for the future. I'm more confident about our relationship than ever.

I know that my wife can become the hot woman who can turn me on. (just for the record, she was the less unexperienced, she had others before me). It won't happen in one night, but finally we start to know (or at least we start to say it honestly) what we expect/want from each other, and so we can work on it.

Please don't get me wrong, it's hard to explain the moment when i understood (accepted) that feeling attracted to other women is not from the devil, but it's the part of human nature. At that moment i knew that this is the way of attraction what i want to feel towards my wife. And i won't stop changing us as long as we don't feel it. In other things we are fitting perfectly (not by default, but we worked a lot on that in the last 10 years), but we forget to work on the physical part because the young idealistic me was thinking that it's not so important if everything else fits... and this led to this episode in our life.

So now i'm just light. I'm not looking for any affair, not having any affair. But please leave me the freedom not to feel myself guilty when i find somebody attractive, and let my ego enjoy it if somebody find me attractive. And yes it's not disturbing me if another man finds my wife attractive, this gives her confidence about herself, if she finds somebody attractive it gives me extra power to form myself into the man of her type...

I hope you got what i was trying to tell you.

So wishing you all a happy and complete (in every sense) relationship.
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Old 12-17-2010, 11:12 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Indespair, a little advice from someone that has survived an affair that resulted in children, and this OW started out just as yours .... friends, flirting, "nothing more." And my husband now sees the brainwashing he endured by this OW that eventually "convinced" him (5 yrs of it) that me and his children were the enemy. In simple terms it starts out slow and turns into something big, kind of like the little snowball that starts at the top of mountain and is 10 ft in diameter once it hits the bottom.

If I were you I wouldn't trust this woman to be decent about "nothing physical between us" as you believe she is. It's like the predator stalking a prey, silently, quietly, without detection. This is basically the same thing. You cannot trust another woman to be decent and have YOUR marriage in her best interests. She's already proven that with the kissing etc., if she were concerned it would have NEVER happened. So you can believe your marriage is the last thing she is concerned about, even if she says otherwise. The lion doesn't ask for permission before killing the gazelle.

Sounds to me like YOUR wife is being decent by remaining calm about this, but she has no choice as you are far away. But I can bet you it is killing her at home and that she most likely is worrying about this woman.

Honestly the best thing you can do to avoid harmful feelings from festering in your wife's mind is to leave this OW and have her train with someone else. It may mean nothing to you, but in your wife's mind you will reaffirm that "you've got her back." It will assure her that you do love her and ONLY her. It will make your marriage that much stronger, and I bet she will be more than happy to try kinkier things once she realizes that you honestly have her and your marriage in the number one spot in your life, and you're not afraid to tell other women this. This will mean the world to your wife, trust me.

Simply tell this other woman that 'out of respect for my wife, I really need to have you start training with so and so.' Or something to that effect. Don't be wimpy about it. Be straight forward and firm. Don't be wishy washy and feel as though you will hurt this OW's feelings. It's your wife's feelings that are most important, and the commitment you made to her when you took your vows. You must put your wife and your marriage above any childish crush over some hot young thing. Which is basically what this is, and you don't want it to lead to more on some other night of drinking.

Plus, there will always be other women that will flirt and try to snag a married man. Why? Because single women want a good man, and good men are always married. She may be the first but she won't be the last. Learn to deal with these lionesses before another one comes along and it turns into a full blown affair. That pain is EXTREMELY difficult to overcome for a wife. I feel as if you do not want to inflict this kind of pain on your wife, so do the right thing and get this pretty young thing out of yours.
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