Two years ago, my husband met his half siblings. Since then my life has been a living hell. Through our 20 years of marriage we have had our ups and downs. Both of us had admitted to each other our contentment of our lives. On average he would call me 6 times a day at work saying that he called just to hear my voice.
My issue stems from the amount of time that he now spends with his half niece who is 6 months older than he. At best it is an emotional affair. He on average spent 60 hours a month on the phone with her and their text messaging was up to 2500 a month. Since voiced my displeasure of how much time he spent chatting with her, he changed his cell phone account so that I can no longer monitor their contact. I am a busy woman who works 40 hours a week and have 3 children to take care of. Believe me; I would not have gone looking if I did not feel so strongly that something was amiss. He claims that all of this time he was learning from her about his family which he never knew. However, my thought is what makes her the family historian especially since she probably did not know the details first hand. Additionally he claimed that she had some form of drinking problem which varied from alcohol abuse to alcoholism. This was blamed on her husband allegedly being controlling. They have recently divorced.
Over the past five weeks he has spent every Tuesday evening with her under the pretense that she is helping him with her books. He has spent 4 of the past Saturdays with her. One with our daughter’s playing soccer and the other 3 taking our children down the shore all day with her children. I should say that one of the Saturday’s was our 20th wedding anniversary, and I could not even reach him by phone.
It is like my husband is addicted to her. He exhibits many traits of an addict. Our daughter who is nearly 20 says that he is going thru a mid life crisis along with exhibiting signs of addiction.
Since he has meet this family which he really spends little time with members other than her, he has lost a lucrative business, had his vehicle repossessed, our house is in jeopardy of being foreclosed on. He lies so much I think he actually believes what he says.
This really does not even scratch the surface of how fantastical my life has been.
it sounds like he is taking himself through the process of an affair.
when i found out about family, i never spent that many hrs with them. or be with them, they have their own lives to lead.
it sounds like more than a crush.
he really isnt thinking of you.
hes thinking of her.
same age and all.
the more he lies and cheats, is with her. phone calls, blocking you.
its all deception.
whatever he says are excuses.
but there is only so much you can take.
she is new in his life and fresh, you have been there for 20 years. they do think the grass is greener.
if you look at your financial side, she is providing him with stability, whilst you crumble and he wont care.
id put the ball in his court, you or her.
you might end up losing and going through a personal hell, but you already are.
he sounds already very close to her.
reading books - even im not that daft.
Sorry to hear another person is having to go thru this hell. Everything you describe has been my life for the past two years. I really believe your husband is having an affair. Perhaps he doesn't see this lady as a family member--he never saw her until two years ago and the "genetics" aren't that close (in his eyes). I too have been victimized as a result of an affair. My husband has ruined our credit, lost a very successful business, and has bizzare behavior for me to deal with.
From experience, don't give him an ultimatum. That will completely drive him to her. Remeber, she is good; you are bad (in his mind). He's probably already done more than you know about. He's had to fund all the activities with her. Have you checked his credit report lately? Does he have bank accounts you don't know about? As you dig, don't be shocked at what you find.
Do you want to save your marriage? If the answer is yes, I recommend you and your husband go to couple's counseling. If he won't go, then go alone. It will help you. Also, read The Five Love Languages. I believe that book will explain a lot. It really helped me deal with my situation. Good luck!
At a minimum he is involved in an emotional affair. All the signs are there. The constant attention to her, lack of it to you. Lying, hiding information and change of habits. In order for your marriage to recover he will need to end all contact with her. But if he is in love with her if you demand that he may walk out. Base on the bizarre behavior, I think the chances are good that he will do just that. If your marriage is as unhappy as you say it is, ask yourself if that is a bad thing for you. Your situation is very difficult. My best wishes for you and your children.
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