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Does staying with a cheating woman forever make a man a Beta

41K views 277 replies 63 participants last post by  WhiteRaven 
#1 ·
Title says it all.

I have been thinking I should have at least kicked her out for awhile when this all started, now well what is the point it's been 2 years.
I displayed weakness from the beginning, yeah yeah I was the big man who told her if it ever happened again she would be out. The stud who did what was better for my children, I didn't beat the crap out of the OM, I laid down some rules, boundaries the things I said I needed to stay married to her.

So life goes on.

Once a Beta forever I guess.
 
#133 ·
You brought up something that's been bothering me about all this talk.

You wrote: "If she is still in control and I feel like I have no say in her activities, whereabouts, then I'd feel beta."

There's a really fine line there. It's control. At what point does having a say in where a partner goes and what he/she does become controlling?

I think, and maybe it's just choice of words, we can have influence, but no real say in where our spouse goes. What say you?

Hope you don't take this as harsh criticism. I've seen things like this before and wondered if I was misunderstanding something.
 
#134 · (Edited)
You brought up something that's been bothering me about all this talk.

You wrote: "If she is still in control and I feel like I have no say in her activities, whereabouts, then I'd feel beta."

There's a really fine line there. It's control. At what point does having a say in where a partner goes and what he/she does become controlling?
There is a fine line. I wouldn't throw down an ultimatum, I wouldn't tell her she is not to do anything.

I would tell her what I do not feel is respecting me and that which makes me uncomfortable. If she respects me and wants our relationship to work, she'll take it upon herself to refrain.

And if she doesn't want to refrain, she doesn't respect me or the relationship in the first place, much less love me.

I think, and maybe it's just choice of words, we can have influence, but no real say in where our spouse goes. What say you?
I agree.

I can convey my concerns. If she doesn't care enough to stop herself from doing things that aren't fit of a married woman who was caught cheating, then the relationship will deteriorate from there.

Hope you don't take this as harsh criticism.
Not at all. No worries
 
#135 ·
Alpha for me is an animal term. So if the alpha of the pack has a woman that sneaks off and sleeps with some sleazy thing on the side, does that mean the alpha forever becomes beta?

If the alpha continued to let that behavior happen once he was aware of it, yes he would be a beta. If the alpha knew she was cheating and rather than putting a stop to it he waited for the "right moment," yes, he was a beta. If the alpha stopped it immediately, laid down his terms, and took his woman back, he is still alpha.

The most alpha animal in existence would no doubt take his woman back and make her his again. And if the sleazy thing on the side was alpha enough he would try to take that woman for himself. If he never liked her to begin with, it doesn't matter anyway. An alpha takes what is his. You can't control what she did behind your back, but as soon as you found out, you took your woman back. Because that is what alpha's do. Then after you have her back, the alpha in you questions that maybe you should have left her. Why? Because now you have her and it's what alphas do.

Hopefully she is taking care of you, giving you the intimacy and time you need, and if she ever slacks again, kick her to the curb because you don't want her anymore not because she cheated.
 
#137 ·
1 - Alpha for me is an animal term. So if the alpha of the pack has a woman that sneaks off and sleeps with some sleazy thing on the side, does that mean the alpha forever becomes beta?

2 - If the alpha continued to let that behavior happen once he was aware of it, yes he would be a beta. If the alpha knew she was cheating and rather than putting a stop to it he waited for the "right moment," yes, he was a beta. If the alpha stopped it immediately, laid down his terms, and took his woman back, he is still alpha.

3 - The most alpha animal in existence would no doubt take his woman back and make her his again. And if the sleazy thing on the side was alpha enough he would try to take that woman for himself. If he never liked her to begin with, it doesn't matter anyway. An alpha takes what is his. You can't control what she did behind your back, but as soon as you found out, you took your woman back. Because that is what alpha's do. Then after you have her back, the alpha in you questions that maybe you should have left her. Why? Because now you have her and it's what alphas do.
1 - No. Because as 'Alpha' as a man is, he cannot control everything (as you've said). he could take care of all his woman's needs and she still might sneak off.

2 - Yes. Once any man, of any 'sexual-ranking' discovers his woman is seeing someone else for sex and allows it happen, he's then technically a 'cuckold'.
People need to understand that a cuckold in today's society is one borne of the Internet-phenomenon (which is seemingly growing), that is, he either accepts or is turned-on by his wife having sex with another man (usually a 'Bull' or a 'Dom', use whatever term you like)
Cuckold of years ago was just a guy whose wife was cheating.
I put myself through that for a few months because I thought, stupidly, she would come to her senses and the situation with her OM would blow itself out.

3 - Agreed.
 
#136 ·
No, I think the alpha doesn't care. Pure alpha would not care who his mate is sleeping with as long as he gets his when and how he wants. He also goes and gets his outside of home when and where he wants and doesn't care who it's with, as long as she meets his criteria. He basically doe as he pleases and lets the chips fall where they may. Just my opinion, though.
 
#145 ·
Look, here's the deal... Choosing to reconcile w/ a wayward wife (or, ideally, a formerly wayward wife) does not necessarily make a BH a "beta". What it does mean is that said BH is (at least) just beta enough to suppress the innate alpha urge to kick her to the curb and cut his losses.

And yes, we all have that urge. It's natural. It's also natural for a BH that has chosen to reconcile to long for said urge to be sated. But, having chosen reconciliation, the best that a BH can realistically hope for is a devout observation of newly-established boundaries, the willingness to "suffer consequences", etc. This should not, by the way, entail constantly reminding a WW/FWW of her past transgressions, as this will only hamper the healing process for both and, ultimately, give rise to absolute resentment. When this happens, you might as well have divorced, because you're in a false reconciliation -- and it's on you.

Now... Whether or not you're choosing to reconcile for the right reasons...? Well, only you can know that.
 
#146 ·
Basically the alpha is intelligent enough and strong enough to not react out of primal urges that date back to cavemen times. He's able to now use his brain as well as his muscles to take control of the situation once he's aware of the situation. A new breed.. a thinking alpha.. I'll call it, gamma after the Hulk. I just created a new term.. that's what alpha's do, we make stuff happen.
 
#159 ·
Am I that subtle? The killing raw meat with one bare hand, not enough? Next time I'll try to sarcasm harder. :D

The whole alpha beta thing applied with such a broad brush amuses me.. as if an alpha can't make food for a family, or buy it.. or have someone do them a favor and cook them a meal, or a list of other options.. family cooks some food, sister makes cookies and you eat them. None of these things make you beta.

I'm sarcastic, it's my nature.. I can't help it.. I understand the issue with text and sarcasm, so I try to use enough winky faces to get the point across, but at times, I like to leave them out to keep the betas guessing.
 
#161 ·
I only read the first page of the thread, but don't get down on yourself, lp. There is nothing cowardly about taking back your wife if she is sorry. Takes a lot more courage than dumping her and getting a new one.

When there is cheating, there are undoubtedly problems on both sides of the marriage. Having the courage to tackle these problems and resolve them shows character. You and anyone else who is pro-actively doing this should feel proud.

Don't worry about what other people think, and about Greek letters. :rolleyes: What you really want is to be a good man, a good human being. That takes strength and compassion.

I have great respect for men who, when speaking of their wayward wives, admit that they, too, were imperfect. I have the most respect for the ones who do not blame their wives, but look to correct their own weaknesses. Some may even ask their wives for forgiveness for not being the husbands they wish they had been.

That humility, to me, is a sign of a great man. :)
 
#163 ·
Well thanks for the kind words and while I am not a perfect husband I am a good husband and father, everyone who knows me knows how much I have done for my wife and the pedestal she was on(still is in many ways)

However her cheating is completely on her, it was her choice not her mistake her choice, no matter my faults I did not deserve to be treated this way, our marriage, our children and me all deserved better. She knows that and while the process can be slow at times we try to move forward.

It's not Beta to attempt R after your wife cheats. That's a personal choice. So you made some mistakes in the beginning. So did I.

Beta would be begging your wife to choose you. Beta would be trying to nice her back. Beta would be rugsweeping the A. Beta would be giving her a third chance.
It is not for everyone some days not sure it is for me, but I have never begged her to stay, never overly nice so she would stay, I have not been rude or cruel but honest and hard when it calls for it. Yep there are no third chances once is more than enough.
 
#182 ·
Well, they are not standards. They were just my thoughts when I read the OP's first post.

I think a serial cheater is different than a one time one. I don't think there is a solution for a serial cheater, except to let them go be with other serial cheaters. I do think there is a lot of hope for a one time remorseful spouse, especially if they have been married a long time, and have children.

And it annoys me to think that anyone would consider a man who takes a remorseful wife back as anything other than a kind man, a compassionate man, a forgiving and merciful man. And I hope he tunes out the men who might be making fun of him.
 
#192 · (Edited)
The alpha, beta, gamma, delta, zodiac, triad what the fvck ever thing is full retard and for idiot fratboys.

Here's the truth.

In terms of sexual attraction, just raw attractiveness to females. You either got game or you don't. Period. Now, there are "ways", like Money, a house, a good job, a title and so on that can make you more "attractive" to a female. But in terms of raw physical sex appeal, sorry but it's true.

You either got it or you don't.

Now, about the entire "am I beta brah for taking back my cheating wife", I'd say you're just a guy that took back a cheating ho. That's all. Now, there are really, really smart and good reasons to take back a cheating ho.

Like if you got 3 kids, alimony, marital assets and so on and so on tied up in the ho. I mean, I know a few dudes that stayed with their terrible wives until most or all of their kids hit 18 and they could afford to get a divorce.

DIVORCES ARE EXPENSIVE. Period. I spent probably 30 or 40 grand on mine I bet and it was a "smooth" divorce pretty much. They're pricey. Many guys just stay in the marriage to avoid financial ruin.

Now, my motto is always-

Ditch the ho, gain a life.

But too each their own. It doesn't make you less of a Man or less "alpha" when you take back your WW. It's an individual choice and must be assessed on an individual manner.

So... Meh, pretty much that.
 
#199 ·
I am talking about a sincerely remorseful wayward.
Sincerely remorseful waywards are like the great white buffalo. A WS has to justify their actions. They have done so long before they became a WS. When first found out, it is extremely unlikely, although yet, still possible to find one.

You cannot justify cheating. The BS was generally not asked if they were okay with it, since they weren't doing this or that on a consistent basis. The BS wasn't told the consequence was that the guy they met while out at the bar or wherever, who was quite attractive, comforting and understanding, who bought them a drink and let them cry on their shoulder about their husband and their marriage was going to be allowed to have his way with her, if he/she did not shape up and do as they expected.

Whatever the reason, the excuse, the justification, it's likely not good enough. Was the AP there when you cried because something didn't go your way. Was the AP there when the husband held you because you favorite pet died. Was the AP there when your mother told you what to do and you were so angry, you talked about it for a week with your husband and your sisters. Was the AP there when your child skinned their knee and your crappy husband did his best to clean and bandage the wound and comfort your child. Was the AP there when you had a headache or a tummy ache and needed comfort or just someone to run to the store and get you something to relieve it. Was the AP there when your boss was angry with you and your husband listened and agreed with you that your feelings were nothing but correct. And so many more...

The AP was there when you looked your best going out. He was there for you when you put on that nice face and personality when you didn't want to. The AP was there for that extra effort you put toward having fun and smiling. Did the spouse get to enjoy those times or were they just for someone new who never went through any of the socalled bad times?

What you are talking about could possibly work after the anger is gone, after all the pain of discovery and knowing your spouse's mouth was somewhere it shouldn't have been and you are kissing them. It comes after the counseling and the fog of natural chemicals quit influencing thoughts and behaviors.

You simplify it too much. It is not that simple. Wouldn't most spouses who have just discovered the affair love to be able to just move to reconciliation with the assurance that an apology would turn things around? Wouldn't many here have done just that, if it would actually work? Wouldn't BS' love to be able to fall asleep at night and not have nightmares about what happened? Wouldn't that apology be the first thing out of their mouth if they knew it would stop all of the emotions, mistrust, proving and checking that has to go on now. Wouldn't the BS give anything to go back to before the affair and work on the changes.

I saw a unicorn early this morning farting rainbows. I did. She was beautiful. The rainbows smelled like fresh flowers.
 
#203 ·
2ntnuf, you have been divorced twice, right? So it is understandable that you are wary of trusting again.

I just don't like seeing people stuck in blame and resentment. I think it is empowering to look at what we may have done wrong, and how we could correct it. I am just not sure how we heal if we do not try to understand how something happened in the first place.
 
#205 ·
Don't make this about me. You like to do that. You like to make this about someone else. You don't like to think that someone made a choice. You like to think that a wife is too weak to make her own decisions. You like to think that she is forced to cheat because her husband has done something. That's how this started.

This is about you, jld. It is about YOU. That's the reason for all of this. I've seen enough of your posts to know what you do.

Accept that you could be wrong and admit it. Accept that you have no idea how it feels to be betrayed. Accept that the only thing you understand is the view of a potential wayward who is a married woman.

Accept that you can only understand what it is like to be the wife in a marriage and not have things done or accomplished when and how you would like them. That's where you come from on all your posts, jld.

That's what you understand best.
 
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#207 ·
Staying with a wayward will reinforce a self image as a beta and if it was not your self image can create it over time.

Plus society will force that image on you.
 
#208 ·
But you don't have to accept it.

My dad lost his right arm in a corn picker 14 years before I was born. I never thought of him as handicapped. He didn't think of himself as handicapped. He just plunged forward in life, doing what he could.
 
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#209 ·
Wouldn't the greatest compassion be for the potential wayward to come to their spouse before the affair, when they know they are having problems and tell the flat out, with nothing more than honesty, that they can no longer live the way they have been, before the affair? Wouldn't that prove the WS has great empathy? Wouldn't that prove their worth? I can certainly see a poor spouse who is in that position begging forgiveness and committing to the best they can possibly do. I can also see them failing to meet those goals. That's where the most good and the least amount of harm is done.
 
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#210 ·
Yes, that would be the best.
 
#217 ·
This is a tough question to answer.

For me personally, the answer would be a definite yes.

I could never look myself in the mirror again.

However, I know other people are very different from me. And I would NEVER insult another man and question his manhood because he decided on another path.

The only further remark I would make is this: I will still try to talk ANY man out of staying if it appears to be based on rugsweeping and weakness.

If a man chooses to stay it should be from a position of strength, not being a doormat out of fear he will lose a traitorous woman.
 
#224 ·
If a man chooses to stay it should be from a position of strength, not being a doormat out of fear he will lose a traitorous woman.
Yes. The idea is that he and she now realize their marriage was not healthy before, and the affair was symptomatic of that. Now they are together going to build it anew. There will be clear expectations of both of them, and accountability. Transparency will be very helpful.
 
#256 ·
love=pain,
reconciliation is tough and it makes sense that you're second guessing yourself.

You wonder if you've come acrosss as emotionally weak in some way.
You wonder if you're setting the stage for a repeat.

Just try to use logic and not emotion in this crisis. Imagine that you're an odd's maker in Vegas betting on your marriage and the likelyhood of a lasting change. If you wouldn't take the bet then think about what actions and conversations a BS would need to have in order for you to feel it's a safe bet. Then take those actions and have those conversations.
 
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