Re: the other spouse
Yes, I wish I was told. Other things were kept from me by mutual friends, like the occasional use of pot by my wife. That wasn't a deal breaker for the marriage, but not something I want to be lied to about.
The affair was in secret (aside from me knowing she was "friends" with the other man - I've met him and his wife), so there was presumably no one to tell me.
As far as salvaging my marriage, I'd say yes I want it, but I'm so tired of being treated poorly, and not receiving the kind of affection and not having even a level of emotional intimacy that I see her have with close friends. Our marriage started out with a strong level of intimacy (though problems did exist) but things started falling apart after kids. She became very depressed and it was just a difficult time for both of us and we drifted apart. Her only happiness seemed to be in going out drinking and partying and getting out of the house, and then in getting back into the work force. Basically I'd say I was guilty of being neglectful of her feelings in the past and saying hurtful things when I didn't know how to deal with the deteriorating relationship. We've also had fights in the past where we've screamed at each other and I also broke her cell phone when I threw it at the wall. (No violence ever.)
We've both gone overboard with drinking in the past, though she needed close friends to confront her about it in order to admit it, and she's still very defensive about the subject. That happened during the affair when her drinking was at it's peak.
We're not separated and we get along, but she's basically limited the level of the relationship to house mates, and joint parents. She says she doesn't feel the way she thinks she should feel and doesn't want to stay a marriage where she has to fake her feelings. She says when she walks into a room with her husband/boyfriend, she wants to feel like the most important person in the world, that I don't like who she is.
So... I feel like I'm basically competing with the rush of the affair, all of the baggage of our past that is being brought up now, post affair, and her inability to face that she's done some ****ty things which I don't like which is not same same as me not liking her as a person. She's not committed to making things work, but said she isn't ready to give up... Which leaves me........... in limbo. Any stress we are under puts the relationship under a microscope, and nothing positive that I do seems to matter very much.
That, and the entire years worth of lies relating to the affair has worn me down. During the affair, she told me I was being controlling and obsessive for wondering what was going on with her friendships when I began checking her text messages (even though something was obviously wrong). If I asked about one guy friend, she's scream at me who would be next and if she had to give up all of her friendships. At that point I thought maybe an emotional affair had begun with someone, not realizing a physical affair was already in gear.
So, yeah, I guess I'm not sure if it is salvageable, but I wish it were. If my wife can't treat me with respect and be comfortable opening up to me, if she can't feel the marriage is worth saving, it's not salvageable. And I really can't take any more crap. I certainly have work to do on myself and how I manage my emotions and temper, but I'm tired of being held to the higher standard and basically being walked on, lied to and neglected.