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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-08-2010, 10:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I discovered my wife's emotional and physical affair with another married man about two months ago. Things have been up and then down since. I don't really know where our marriage is headed, at this point I feel like I'm not really even sure which way is up as the deception and affair went on for close to nine months. The affair is over though and has been broken off since the discovery. We've been attempting to work things out and see a counselor.

The other man is married and has older children (teenagers). It's a case of my wife and the other man being unhappy in their marriages and dealing with their problems in the completely wrong way. I'm pretty sure his wife was suspicious of him but does not know what was going on. He's pretty much on lock down in his personal life and a lot of attention went to hiding their communications and meeting. (Separate email accounts, etc.)

Anyways, my question is, at this point do I tell the other spouse?
I don't have any animosity or desire for revenge, but I have to wonder if his wife would want to know.

There's a possibility they will patch up their marriage, but that is honestly not my business.

The direction I've taken so far is the selfish one. I'm not going to do anything at this point that would jeopardize salvaging my own marriage or cause me more grief and pain than what I've already been through. We also have young children who will be impacted by whatever happens. I don't know how the other man would react, nor his wife, which are also good reasons for not doing anything. I'm not worried about violence, but don't need anyone contacting or attacking my wife in some viscous way. Even if our marriage doesn't make it, I don't want to end things on a bitter note.

Just hoping to how anyone else got through this.
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Old 12-08-2010, 10:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: the other spouse

Me personally, I told everyone. The little punk that my wife was with wasn't married though. He was recently divorced for, surprise, cheating! And in the end even she knew but not by me.

I will say this to you if you are not sure whether you want to tell the other spouse or not, follow your gut. You and your wife also need to be checked for STDs. If that doesn't infuriate you enough to drop the dime to the other spouse, I don't know what will.
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Old 12-08-2010, 10:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: the other spouse

I'm not sure if it sounds like you want to salvage your marriage?

If you decide to leave the marriage then why get involved with OM business, even thought if it was you, you would want to know.

I you decide to fix the marriage, then confirm the no contact, if there has been contact for the last 2 months then, in order to make it more difficult for the affair to continue the OM wife should be contacted.

In addition I some what believe that there should be consequences for both parts involved. This BS behavior will most likely continue with someone else, if the disloyal spouses are not held accuontable

Thats kind of hard to ignor and even let happen to someone. What is so bad about right a wrong to a complete stranger.Again ,would you want to be told?
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Old 12-08-2010, 02:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yes, I wish I was told. Other things were kept from me by mutual friends, like the occasional use of pot by my wife. That wasn't a deal breaker for the marriage, but not something I want to be lied to about.

Some background...

The affair was in secret (aside from me knowing she was "friends" with the other man - I've met him and his wife), so there was presumably no one to tell me.

As far as salvaging my marriage, I'd say yes I want it, but I'm so tired of being treated poorly, and not receiving the kind of affection and not having even a level of emotional intimacy that I see her have with close friends. Our marriage started out with a strong level of intimacy (though problems did exist) but things started falling apart after kids. She became very depressed and it was just a difficult time for both of us and we drifted apart. Her only happiness seemed to be in going out drinking and partying and getting out of the house, and then in getting back into the work force. Basically I'd say I was guilty of being neglectful of her feelings in the past and saying hurtful things when I didn't know how to deal with the deteriorating relationship. We've also had fights in the past where we've screamed at each other and I also broke her cell phone when I threw it at the wall. (No violence ever.)

We've both gone overboard with drinking in the past, though she needed close friends to confront her about it in order to admit it, and she's still very defensive about the subject. That happened during the affair when her drinking was at it's peak.

We're not separated and we get along, but she's basically limited the level of the relationship to house mates, and joint parents. She says she doesn't feel the way she thinks she should feel and doesn't want to stay a marriage where she has to fake her feelings. She says when she walks into a room with her husband/boyfriend, she wants to feel like the most important person in the world, that I don't like who she is.

So... I feel like I'm basically competing with the rush of the affair, all of the baggage of our past that is being brought up now, post affair, and her inability to face that she's done some ****ty things which I don't like which is not same same as me not liking her as a person. She's not committed to making things work, but said she isn't ready to give up... Which leaves me........... in limbo. Any stress we are under puts the relationship under a microscope, and nothing positive that I do seems to matter very much.

That, and the entire years worth of lies relating to the affair has worn me down. During the affair, she told me I was being controlling and obsessive for wondering what was going on with her friendships when I began checking her text messages (even though something was obviously wrong). If I asked about one guy friend, she's scream at me who would be next and if she had to give up all of her friendships. At that point I thought maybe an emotional affair had begun with someone, not realizing a physical affair was already in gear.

So, yeah, I guess I'm not sure if it is salvageable, but I wish it were. If my wife can't treat me with respect and be comfortable opening up to me, if she can't feel the marriage is worth saving, it's not salvageable. And I really can't take any more crap. I certainly have work to do on myself and how I manage my emotions and temper, but I'm tired of being held to the higher standard and basically being walked on, lied to and neglected.
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Old 12-08-2010, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: the other spouse

I have read this same story and I have even been in the same place as you EXACTLY. ( [her] bad friend, drinking, going out, {me} no attension, affection,time with her, support)

So moving on, I sence she has not changed for the better and is not recommiting to the marriage. If she is still seeing OM tell his wife.


Hell, these affairs have caused some serious pain, some people should be accounted for. Damit man there are consequences to affairs, tell the OM' wife.

My marriage was so screwed up, I dont know how many wives I would have to tell. My W's last one was with a single vampire, who is now back in prison.

Botom line these things are repairable with both spouse commitment, and with committment we all know that both spouse need to best freinds with lots of affection.
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Old 12-08-2010, 06:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You need to kill the affair and the only true way is to expose to the OM'W!!! She also can help in monitoring the OM. Your wife will tell you its over but if she is mopping about or not bending over backwards to do anything to repair the marriage then she is still wayward at least mentally.
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Old 12-09-2010, 09:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I have no problem with the OP dropping the dime!!! To me the OM pretty much opens the door for me to communicate ANYTHING to his wife, the day he lays down with mine. I wish he would approach me saying, "Why did you..." I'd tell him he's lucky i didn't sleep with your wife as revenge. And my wife bet not have anything to say either!!!
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Old 12-09-2010, 10:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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You must tell the OM's wife. Not as revenge, but to put an end to the affair. She may keep him in line. Also, that will keep him plenty busy and possibly away from your wife.

I called my wife's affair partner's wife and told her every single detail. This way, her husband couldn't weasle his way out of it with lies.

Additionally, the affair partner shouldn't be able to walk away from his destruction with no consequences. He's already caused damage in your marriage. If left untold, he will move quickly onto another. It's time for the "marriage rapist" be brought to justice!
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Old 12-09-2010, 03:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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WOuld really like a woman who discovered an affair to pipe in. Put the same question on my thread.
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Old 12-09-2010, 04:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi, I am a woman who discovered my H's year long affair and I DID expose her to her H and other family members of hers. She was his step-cousin so it was easy to contact everyone. This is still very raw to me and I may even continue to tell more family as I feel she shouldn't get away with any of it. Besides it not bring her first physical affair, she lied to me many many times when I confronted her. I even told her H months before it was fully revealed, but she did damage control and made him think I was a jealous whack job. I can tell you this...it will NOT end until you tell the other spouse!!! I did take it one step further because it was "family" and I felt they needed to know too!

Oddly, my H has come out from the "fog" and has been doing anything and everything to try and save our marriage. We have found a GREAT marriage counselor and are trying to move forward. NONE of it would have been possible had I not exposed the affair to the other spouse. Her spouse was so oblivious that I had to send him emails and texts that I found until he finally believed me...she was then forced to come clean with him.

I say tell!!! Good luck!

Now if I could just get the mental images out of my mind of the two of them having sex!!! Ugh!
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It does have a way of underlining in the mind of your own spouse that you'll nuke an affair without regard for their crying not to.
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Old 12-09-2010, 06:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I am a woman who was told by her H that he was having an affair. This happened because her H found out and confronted my hubby.

But as bad as I wanted to tell everyone to make her look bad, we've kept it a secret. Because I have to remember it would make my H look bad too. And would be harder for us to move on. Both of us have stayed in our marriages. And we are doing very, very well. We have worked though everything and have a stronger marriage since.
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Old 12-09-2010, 06:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Our families already knew something was up as I had already filed for divorce and was moving forward when I found out for sure about the affair. It is kind of hard to keep it a secret when everyone (family) knows your getting divorced. She and he were planning on being together...it was kind of like giving the answer to the question everyone was already wondering. Why? KWIM
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Just wanted to follow up as everyone on this thread went out of there way to open up with their stories...

Anyways, it didn't work out for my wife and I. We are legally separated, getting divorced, everything went amically. We managed to keep the impact on our kids as small as possible and share custody.

On to the other guy.... he's a complete piece of work. He continued to contact my wife even though she wanted NC. Phone calls to work, forged emails from mutual friends, implied suicide threats, the whole 9 yards you would expect from a manipulative stalker. Any chance of the affair continuing was shot by his crazy behavior, not anything I did. Anyways, fearing exposure and judgement, my ex refused to take legal action and get a restraining order or even lawyers involved. I let it go for a while, to keep the peace and because it was getting further into the past.

What pushed me to the point of eventually doing something was this guy calling me at work, posing as a concerned third party telling me that my wife was "banging two maybe three other guys". Of course, my wife and I were separated by that point and that was known within and circle of people we know. This was obviously just an attempt to cause a rift. I was later able to verify the voice matched the other man.

So after a full year of NC with my wife, this guy kept calling, harassing and trying to sabotage her marriage. I called his wife and told her what was going on. To say she was in a state of shock and disbelief would be an understatement. I think I've gotten through, she knows who I am and was suspicious of an emotional affair but the amount of manipulation this guy has gotten away with just blows my mind. She deserved to know what was going on though. I just wish I had done something sooner.
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Old 08-18-2011, 09:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: the other spouse

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Originally Posted by prouddad View Post
What pushed me to the point of eventually doing something was this guy calling me at work, posing as a concerned third party telling me that my wife was "banging two maybe three other guys". Of course, my wife and I were separated by that point and that was known within and circle of people we know. This was obviously just an attempt to cause a rift.
What a psycho.

I am glad you told your wife and are moving on with your life. Good luck
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