Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2010, 11:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

Hi there,

I just found out 2 days ago that my husband of 7 years have cheated on me with multiple girls for the past 2 years. This is not the first time he got caught, but this is the first time he admitted that he did engage in sexual behaviors with this women.

He wants me to stay and give him ANOTHER chance. I have nothing left in me but of course it is hard to just leave. We have 2 kids and it is not easy to make such decision.

He agreed to counseling and told me he will do anything to change. the ONE thing that bothers me the most is he doesnt want to get into details about the affairs. I mean...I know there is no advantage of knowing the details (I'm sure it will lead to more pain) but I just have to know..more and more and more! I could never be satisfied with his answers!

To those of you who have gone through this, what did you do to stop asking. And does asking really make things worse?

Thanks, you guys!

Tiara
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Old 12-11-2010, 01:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

Actually there are several folks who are dealing with this right now, so I started a thread: Why I Believe a Disloyal Spouse Really Does NEED to tell some details
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Old 12-11-2010, 04:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

You have every right to ask and to know about anything and everything. He is the one that did this, not you. If he wants forgiveness and really wants to work it out, he has to be completely open and honest.
Ask him every little detail. If he holds back, it is an indication that he is not ready to let her go.
I am a detail oriented person. I wanted everything laid out in front of me. My wife was hesitant to let go of all of her secrets. I told her that until I was satisfied that I knew absolutely everything, we were at a standstill.
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Old 12-11-2010, 05:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

Finding out the details is an important thing to help you begin to come to terms with it. Get a journal and list out every single question you can possibly think of and bring it with you to counseling. If you have a good counselor, they are going to make sure your husband knows that answering your questions and becoming completely transparent is something he needs to do.

The cautionary item here is, after a reasonable amount of questioning - you do need to put it down and move on.
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Old 12-11-2010, 05:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

I am going through exactly the same thing with my fiancee who was unfaithful to me. The only way i can explain it, assuming that you will give him another chance - is that its like filling in the emotional blanks. In my case i need to know that the 'relationship' has no secrets from each other - general, intimate or otherwise, and that the version i'm getting puts to rest all the horrible fantasies and variations i am creating in my head. I do agree with HappyHer though that this needs to be tempered - so try and get all your questions down on paper and try and treat the exercise as a positive (and as upbeat) clearing the air confessional for him.
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Old 12-11-2010, 06:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

Thank you so much guys for your replies. It helps to know that these feeling are normal. I think he is so ashamed and being asked about these stuff just makes him angry.

He is out of the country and won't be back for 7 more days. I found out about this while he was away , so it is VERY hard to ask questions on texts or on the phone. I am having a really hard time getting through the nights.

I will try to make a list of questions for when he gets back. I just dont think he will be able to answer them without getting pissed.

Yeah I know you guys must think this relationship isn't worth saving if he is treating me this way after HE cheated, but I really want to try everything to stay together mostly for my children and of course I still love him although I have so much hatred right now.

Thank you again.
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Old 12-11-2010, 08:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

You keep asking for details because you need them. You're trying to understand how he did this, why he did it, what was so special and great about these other women. By getting details, you're hoping to find that one thing that clicks and makes you go "Oh, I get it now! This is why he did it, and this is how we can stop it from ever happening again."

The problem with this, though, is that because you didn't do it, you will never be able to understand the how or the why. No matter how many details you get, you'll never be able to piece it all together and come up with a logical explanation that you can make peace with.

All you can do is ask for details until you either feel you've learned as much as you want, or learned as much as you can handle. IF he wants to save your marriage, he will realize that he must answer your questions. He has no right to get pissed. He's the one who messed up, he must now bear the consequences of his mistakes. The only one here with the right to get angry is you.

But anger, on either side, isn't going to fix things. You both have to deal with what happened and try to put it behind you if you want to make it work. The thing with the questions is...I've been divorced for over seven years now, and my ex cheated on me. I could still, to this day, come up with questions to ask him, if I really wanted to. You have to reach a point where you decide that you're done with the questions. Whether it's a deadline that you set, or you just sort through your questions and prioritize the questions, only asking the ones that you feel are most important that you have answers to. You have to stop asking questions, and you have to try to truly let go of the whole issue.

Trusting again takes time, but the process back to trust really won't start until after you've stopped asking questions.
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Old 12-11-2010, 02:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

It's ok to ask questions. It's imperative that he answer them. The alternative is that you will create stories in your head that will forever torture your mind. Make a written list. You'll find that some won't be necessary to be answered. Some will be answered by him giving you information on other questions.
If you can, stay away from specifics like "what car were they in", or "what was she wearing". This way, you won't get triggered every time you see that thing (I f@cken can't stand the site of a Toyota Prius and they are everywhere!)
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Old 12-12-2010, 05:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

I feel your pain. I discovered my husband of 8 years had been cheating on me for the entire twelve years of our relationship with multiple women he was meeting online.

I filed for divorce. He was very apologetic and sweet but refused to give me absolutely any details saying it would just hurt me more. He insisted he wanted us to go to counseling and work things out but I told him I could never trust him if he couldn't come clean and tell me everything.

He then changed his tune to say the only reason he wouldn't tell me the truth is because I wasn't willing to work on the marriage. He basically said he'd tell me everything if I'd drop the divorce - blackmail.

That just proved to me it was nothing more than a legal strategy on his part and he would never tell me the truth. He will also never change. I caught him cheating when we were engaged & we attended premarital counseling but it only made him better at sneaking around.
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

I am going through the same thing. I found out on November 29th that my husband of 10 years, who I felt was my soulmate, had an emotional affair with a coworker. It has devastated me like I never believed possible. I also have a great need to know details, and I believe it is completely normal. My husband has been good about answering my questions as they come up, and is remorseful. He does not like to talk about it, because he is embarassed and it is hard for him, but I have told him how important to me it is, and he is trying hard to make things right.

Just do your best to explain to him that you have all these questions in your head, and need answers so you can move on. I have found that I keep thinking and thinking about something, like whether he said he loved her or not. And I think about it and think about it, but then once I ask and he answers, I move past it. So eventually I believe I will have peace.
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Old 12-14-2010, 02:49 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

Here's another tip that worked for me;
Do not settle for an answer of "I don't know." Your husband knows exactly why he did what he did.
Sometimes we need that jolt in order to answer to ourselves why we did it.
When my wife and I were having trouble, I told her that "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer for either one of us.
We were able then to look deep inside and we really learned something. I was finally able to be honest with myself as to why I looked outside our marriage for attention and so was she. That made it easier for us to understand the whole thing. It also gave us the tools to fix what was broken. If you don't find out why he went elsewhere, how can you improve the relationship on your end to prevent it from happening again?
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Old 12-14-2010, 05:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

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If you can, stay away from specifics like "what car were they in", or "what was she wearing". This way, you won't get triggered every time you see that thing (I f@cken can't stand the site of a Toyota Prius and they are everywhere!)
I absolutely have to agree with this - I asked for too many specific details about the OW (e.g. her name, what car she drives, her hobbies, what she looks like), and now every time I see anything that resembles what he told me, the memories and anger come flooding back. For example, I often call our dog by his initial 'B' (bobby), and her name starts with a 'B' (he had her named on his mobile phone as 'B').

He also made some comments about their sex life and that has really hurt as well, those kind of things are hard to forget once you know them.
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Recently found out...how to stop asking details of affair?

I've been through the same thing and I can say knowing all details was hurtful but at the end the anger went away and I stopped asking my husband.

I think it is better to heal the pain you know than wondering. In that way it improved our sex life and it made him realise that he could lose his marriage because of 5 minutes of happiness.

Goodluck and be strong.
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