I’ve been a frequent reader and contributor to this site for several months. I’m now posting my story in full and would welcome feedback. I know it’s long, so for those with a short attention span, I apologize.
My wife and I have been together for 25 years, married for the past 16 years. We have 3 boys, twin 10 year olds and a 4 year old. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 21. She’s only had 2 sex partners before me. I’ve had my share.
We were both faithful for the entire time we were together. Infidelity sickened both of us. She was so paranoid about me cheating that it was discussed on a weekly basis and the mantra “infidelity equals divorce” was a reoccurring theme. Our marriage was good as compared to most of our friends. Our intimacy was lacking (as I now know) but the sex was always outstanding. I had anger and control issues. She had a major spending problem. Our marriage was that of a parent/child relationship.
In February of 2009, she found her boyfriend from 10th grade on Facebook, whom she hadn’t seen in about 27 years. The chatting was innocent at first as I was monitoring it (old friends catching up). It went on for about a month. Then unbeknown to me it moved off of FB to her cell phone.
Move forward to July, my intuition told me to check her cell phone. I read a text message that said “I want you.” I couldn’t read any more as I was shocked! She caught me reading and I gave her the phone back. She insisted it was just playful fun. I can’t explain why I believed that BS. I suppose I wanted to believe that she would never cheat on me. Additionally, the OM was on the other coast and was somewhat of a loser, so I didn’t feel threatened and chose to believe her.
Move forward to December 2009 and my intuition told me to check our cell phone bill. I found a single one minute call to the OM. Again I confronted her. She said we had been fighting that night and she called him but realized it was wrong and hung up before he answered. (turns out later that she lost her secret pre-paid cell phone that she purchased after I discovered the “I want you” text and called him on her primary phone to warn him not to answer incase I found the phone and called).
Each of these two times, we went for counseling for a month or two and I presumed things were ok with us as she was telling all of her friends that things with us were really good.
Move forward to the end of February 2010. I just didn’t feel something was right. Her drinking seemed excessive (2 to 3 glasses of wine a night), she was smoking pot (which she hadn’t done in the 24 years prior) and just seemed really unhappy. I also started to put 2 & 2 together. Things she said just didn’t add up anymore, like that she wouldn’t leave me if I was unfaithful because of the kids, and a sudden interest in Tiger Woods press conference about his infidelities.
I made a list of 20 or more reasons why I felt she was cheating. I confronted her. She denied and denied. I wouldn’t let down. Finally, she announced that the OM came into town, they met in the back seat of his loaner car, they didn’t have sex but she said she wanted to and he turned her down (they did kiss, he “fingered” her and sucked on her breasts. She didn’t touch him because he was rejecting her and she didn’t want to pleasure him if he wasn’t going to have sex with her).
This was the most hurtful thing I’d ever heard or experienced in my life. I then announced that I was going to file for divorce. She replied that she was going to kill herself and ran out the door. She spent a few hours at her Mom’s home and then came back. She slept on the sofa that night. The next morning I quickly left for work. She called me to tell me again that she was going to kill herself. I told her not to do anything stupid and she hung up. I got a bad feeling so I called the police. They met me at the house to find out she had taken a bottle of pills. They rushed her to the hospital. She came very close to dying and it took the emergency personnel 14 hours to stabilize her. After a week in a psychiatric ward, I then took her to a well known rehab. She spent 30 days there. As it turns out, while there, she and a “boy” half her age (21 year old), engaged in sex. First encounter they kissed, second encounter she gave him a BJ, third encounter (with a condom) “he put it in but as soon as he did, a security guard was approaching so they stopped before it continued”. He left the rehab the next day and they didn’t continue their “relationship”.
Again I got a bad feeling about that place. I pulled her out of there and took her to another rehab for 30 days. They got her straightened out. She now does not drink or take pills and has no desire to do so. She frequently goes to NA or AA meetings as well.
When she came home from rehab, she revealed that she was taking anxiety pills, weight loss pills (even though she weighed barely 100 pounds at 5’6”, sleeping pills, had tried Oxy for a month but didn’t like it, was smoking pot every day, and was severely depressed. She was in a verbally and emotionally abusive work environment, our kids were getting uncontrollable and she felt like she was failing as a mother, and she felt that I no longer loved her. We were making love every week, had date night every Friday night and went out with another couple every Saturday night but we did fight on occasion (mostly about her excessive spending), and I withheld affection at times based on my anger towards her.
She also revealed that 3 months before her meeting with the old highschool boyfriend, she picked up another 21 year old in a nightclub that she visited with a now ex-girlfriend. She told me that they kissed and he “went up her shirt” but that nothing else had happened.
Her infidelities were limited to these 3 men, all within a 5 month span and at the height of her depression. She is tremendously remorseful, filled with guilt and shame and can’t believe she allowed herself to engage in this behavior. She has been cooperative with answering my questions but has “trickle truthed” some of the information. She has also claimed that she swore she told me something previously and didn’t recall that she hadn’t revealed an important fact. She said that the EA was merely a distraction from the drudgery of what had become her life. She said that while he paid her attention, he never made her feel good and couldn’t provide her with any real emotional support. She also said that since he rejected her by not having intercourse, she felt that she even failed at her affair. She also said that this was largely why she carried on at rehab. I was rejecting her, the kids were rejecting her, her mother didn’t want to hear the negativity any more, and her OM rejected her. She wanted someone to make her feel pretty and wanted. (hence a horny 21 year old) She has also been tested for STDs and is clean.
One of my concerns is that the first rehab diagnosed her with Borderline tendencies, Narcissistic tendencies, and a love/sex addiction. While she was clearly exhibiting Borderline characteristics before she went to rehab, she says that she doesn’t have a love/sex addiction. She said “I don’t wake up and want to run out and have sex with someone”. I just want to feel loved that I am now giving her what she needs.” She says it’s more of a relationship addiction and our therapist concurs. My mind, however, is running wild with paranoia and concern as a byproduct of her wanting a “relationship” was getting physical with these men.
We have been in Imago couples therapy for the past 8 months since she has been home from rehab. It has completely changed our marriage for the better. We communicate, have real intimacy and the kind of marriage we could both only dream of. We both go to separate private counseling every week as well.
I have challenges with her infidelity. I am disgusted to think that she gave something so integral to a marriage to another man (men). I am saddened to think that the fidelity and sacred purity is now gone. I find myself wondering where she is during the day, even though she texts me where and what she is doing. I have no reason to believe she’s lying. It seems like I am now cycling. I have a good week and then a bad few days and then another good week. I now seem less concerned about the details of what happened as I think I know everything that I need to know, but more concerned about her stepping out again or her having a “double life”.
Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Pal, this is way more than I could ever cope with. If my wife's affair had lasted this long, there is no way I would have taken her back. You deserve a lot of credit. In fact, when I read of some of these affairs lasting years, I can't compute how repulsed I would be. To be that forgiving isn't in my nature, and my wife knows it .
Can't say "never" until you are in those shoes! Quite honestly, I had always said if she did anything even similar to cheating, even if it wasn't physical, I'd be gone! She would feel the same. It's amazing what 24 years of prior fidelity (and one year of recent infidelity), 3 kids, and an unfaithful partner that was abusing alcohol & drugs and was depressed will do to one's decision making process! Believe me, my repulsion for that behavior runs deep! While I've recently forgiven her, I will never forget!
That is some incredibly self-destructive behavior.
What has/is she doing to rebuild trust? And why exactly in light of such staggering unpredictability and betrayal did you decide to try and work through it?
I decided to work through it because I felt she was sick and the "in sickness and in heath" part of my vows was important. It was also not who she was for 24 years prior. Regarding regaining trust, she has become transparent. She accounts for her time and whereabouts. We communicate in a way we never have. She tells me how she feels and what her needs are. I make a genuine effort to meet those needs. Regarding her "unpredictability", she was very emotionally sick and depressed and "using" over the past year and our marriage didn't work for her. She is no longer depressed, not using alcohol or drugs and is happy. Either my investment will turn out to be good, or I will be sadly disappointed. Time will tell.
PS: Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
If it was my W and she made one mistake, I would forgive and give another chance. If she does it again, which your W did, she's out on her ass, and SHE can pay that 5-figure bill that this whole thing incurred. She once told you that "infidelity =divorce", and now she sees that you are a paper tiger and that she has gotten away with it. What happens the next time she feels a little unloved and unappreciated?
Does she say to herself:
"No, I can't do this, I've hurt my H before, and he was so wonderful and patient with me, I just can't hurt him again."
Or, does she say:
"Yes, I want my happiness, it comes first, I don't care who I crush to get it, I've gotten away with it before, and that spineless jackass will just forgive me again while I have the real man I've always prayed for, and when that peters out, I'll just go back to my wimp H and get what I need and he will pay for, and I'll just feed him a bunch of lies and tell him what he wants to hear until I meet another macho stud, and I will have the best of both worlds, and my clueless, spineless H will let me have my cake and eat it too every time!"
Oh, did I mention that this experience cost upwards of $70,000? But I would pay double to not go through this and have the emotional heartache! She's very clear on where I stand with a "relaps".
I just wanted you to know that I have read your post and I'm working on it, but as you know it is a pretty involved situation. One thing I was wondering if you would clarify: what exactly do you want from us? Do you have a direct question you're asking or is there something specific that you'd like some guidance on? From what you've written, it sounds like you're basically saying that it seems things are better and at least "on the road to repair" but that pre-affair you had a sacred feeling that was just between you two...and now she's gone and shattered that and shared with others what was supposed to be only for you. So now you wonder "How do I get over that?" and maybe "It almost feels like I have affair PTSD. How do I stop triggering or deal with the trauma?" Is that what you'd like to have us address?
Affaircare, Your summation is correct. I would like to get off of the "crazy train". I have a week of mostly clear-headedness and then a few days of obsessiveness. It seems cycular. Yes to "how to get over that, yes to PTSD, yes to dealing w/ the trauma." We are in marriage counselling weekly and we both go independantly. Is there an intensive program that I can go to that will get me straightened out. Your sage advise is greatly appreciated.
Hey WIO---you are NEVER gonna get over it---as long as you stay with her----your sub-conscious is gonna see her spreading her legs for the 21 yr old---giving oral to the other 21 yr old---and doing whatever she did with XBF-----and to be honest with you, you probably don't have the full story on any of the 3, and there just might be others you don't even know about
As long as you stay with her, she will trigger you----she wiped out your soul, took away your peace of mind, robbed you of your carefree life---did 3 guys you know of---and you jump right back into the sack with her, and go on dates, and basically just swept it under the rug
There must be accountability----she played her big drama card, and almost took her own life----and what is the 1st thing she does in rehab---go find a 21 yr old to spread her legs for
So she calls you all the time---so what---how do you know there isn't some guy she is with right next to her while she is calling you------bottom line is there is no trust---there never will be trust, and now you have put yourself in the position of a prison guard---are you gonna check on her the rest of both of your lives
Only you live in your shoes, and you will do what you want---but the only way you have any chance at a half-way decent happy life---is to D. this woman and move on
Nothing in your life will change if you stay with her---you are sentencing yourself to a life of misery, and doubt-----I am willing to bet that your half-hearted attempts, at sex, and dating, and keeping this mge going----give you little satisfaction---cuz your sub-conscious is still running wild
Hey WIO---you are NEVER gonna get over it---as long as you stay with her----your sub-conscious is gonna see her spreading her legs for the 21 yr old---giving oral to the other 21 yr old---and doing whatever she did with XBF-----and to be honest with you, you probably don't have the full story on any of the 3, and there just might be others you don't even know about
As long as you stay with her, she will trigger you----she wiped out your soul, took away your peace of mind, robbed you of your carefree life---did 3 guys you know of---and you jump right back into the sack with her, and go on dates, and basically just swept it under the rug
There must be accountability----she played her big drama card, and almost took her own life----and what is the 1st thing she does in rehab---go find a 21 yr old to spread her legs for
So she calls you all the time---so what---how do you know there isn't some guy she is with right next to her while she is calling you------bottom line is there is no trust---there never will be trust, and now you have put yourself in the position of a prison guard---are you gonna check on her the rest of both of your lives
Only you live in your shoes, and you will do what you want---but the only way you have any chance at a half-way decent happy life---is to D. this woman and move on
Nothing in your life will change if you stay with her---you are sentencing yourself to a life of misery, and doubt-----I am willing to bet that your half-hearted attempts, at sex, and dating, and keeping this mge going----give you little satisfaction---cuz your sub-conscious is still running wild
There you go again, what the hell is your problem? You need to get your own issues figured out fella before giving bad advise to others. You seem to be hung up on the "spreading her legs" phrase, and I find it offensive and counterproductive
Thanks Oaksthorne for saying what I couldn't say. While I typically am not "sensative" to those type of remarks, they were a bit of an unsettling trigger for me and put me in a funk today. We are 14 months from D-day #1 and almost a week from D-Day #6. My wife has trickle truthed out info over the past 14 months. While it makes my recovery more difficult, I think if I knew too much too soon, I would have bolted. At least we've had time to rebuild our marriage and establish some "good" before I found out what I did.
Unless she is the worlds greatest con artist (as many cheaters are), then we are good moving forward. If she's conning me, then I'll find out at some point and I'll deal then. Until that point, and for the sake of my marriage, kids and my sanity, I'm moving forward with her in my life.
My Cheating Wife-Would love Feedback/Advice. 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
