Hi, I'm new to this board and I just needed to share what I'm feeling right now and maybe seek for your advice.
My husband and I have been together for 12 yrs and married for 9 years, this year faced us with the toughest decision of our lives. He had to go away to another country to pursue his academics and we knew that we are faced with a lot of hardships with this decision. We kept the communication lines open and talked almost everyday, went to see him but last night I got a devastating message from his mistress and said that she wanted to know if we were married and that she is confused on his status and that they are having a baby. At first I didn't want to believe it until I have proof, she sends a picture of them together vacationing somewhere. I called my husband and wanted to know from him, I didn't immediately ask him about it but he can sensed that I was troubled so he kept asking me what's wrong so I told him I am not sure and if there is something he wanted to tell me, I knew from his voice he knew what I meant so I asked if he knew this girl and he asked me how did I found out. I told him she sought me and left me a message and I told him I knew she was pregnant so I asked him if it's true and he said yes. I felt numb, disbelief and felt confused. I asked him how could he have done that to me and he said he doesn't know and I asked him if he loves me and he said yes but I told him that if he loved me he wouldn't have done that.
I could accept the fact that he cheated on me but to get that girl pregnant was beyond me. I haven't told anyone and I've been keeping this to myself and I feel like I am about to breakdown anytime now. He is due back in a couple of weeks and he said that we will talk then. I kept asking him I guess to find out what he wants to happen but I could never get an answer. I know we should talk face to face but I guess the more I live with this information the more I get angry, confused and broken.
I don't know if I want to continue this marriage or even try to save it but in a way I want to but how can I cope with the fact that he cheated and that he is having a baby with her?
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this and to feel this, especially if you have no one to talk to. It's an awful feeling - rejection, disbelief, anger, depression - everything seems to be heaped on in a short period of time and it's overwhelming. I don't know how to tell you to get through it, but I do know that there are no rules. You have to just go with your heart and your gut. Don't try to save the marriage if it's just a matter of trying to "win" him from the other person. I don't understand either how someone who has been a partner for years could do this, but I do know that my therapist says it's not about us. That's the hardest part for me to accept, but she says it's true. It's not about us - it's about the cheaters. It's not even about the other person. It's all about the cheaters. They do what they need to in order to feel good about themselves. And if the cheater is a man, he's good at it because he also is able to "compartmentalize" much more than a woman. He can know what he's doing is horrible, but just push it to the side for the time being. I seem to be rambling, but hearing from other people has helped me. Hang in there.
Sorry you are having to face this situation. Do you have children?
Quote:
Originally Posted by blownaway
It's not about us - it's about the cheaters. It's not even about the other person. It's all about the cheaters. They do what they need to in order to feel good about themselves. And if the cheater is a man, he's good at it because he also is able to "compartmentalize" much more than a woman. He can know what he's doing is horrible, but just push it to the side for the time being.
Being the betrayed spouse is really hard to deal with. If at all possible, try to see a counselor before your husband comes home. You are going to need strength and confidence when you talk to him.
Hi there and so sorry you find yourself here asking for help, but you are blessed this is a great group of people that are more than willing to listen to give advice to get you through this.
Do you have children?
I would take the two weeks to think things through and figure out what you can live with, I would go see a therapist right away and open up to family and friends, you can't do this alone.......
Talk all you want here.......we take care of each other here.......
The normal steps for recovery if that is what you decide, first there has to be absolutely NO CONTACT between your husband and his OW even though she is pregnant the child can be a separate issue.
Then you have to expose the affair to everyone that is close to your husband, this will shine a light on the affair and stop it from continuing. Affairs only survive in secrecy........once real life steps into the picture it's a whole different story.........
If you have the first two things in place you then meet each others needs have open communication and work on affair proofing your marriage...........
If he won't give up the OW then ask him to leave and tell him that you are willing to save your marriage but only if NO CONTACT and a good plan to rebuild your marriage is in place, stay calm and be loving and understanding, show him exactly what he is going to be giving up................show him you are the better choice...........
work on improving yourself ...........show him which life will be better for him and then set him free to really feel the brunt of what he has chosen for his life..........
This is like a death and you will go through stages of hurt, anger, acceptance, disbelief......let yourself grieve and take your time with your decisions, there is not rush..........it's a big decision........right now you are in shock.....
(hugs) jessi
Hi there and so sorry you find yourself here asking for help, but you are blessed this is a great group of people that are more than willing to listen to give advice to get you through this.
Do you have children?
I would take the two weeks to think things through and figure out what you can live with, I would go see a therapist right away and open up to family and friends, you can't do this alone.......
Talk all you want here.......we take care of each other here.......
The normal steps for recovery if that is what you decide, first there has to be absolutely NO CONTACT between your husband and his OW even though she is pregnant the child can be a separate issue. Then you have to expose the affair to everyone
^^^This!!!
By the time he comes back, all his family would know. TO me, once you cheat, you've lost the say in what is private of our marriage anymore. Now of course, this is all wrapped around whether or not you wish to stay. He has 2 weeks to get his ducks in a line, but at the same time, he is currently still with this woman, and still gets to cheat and he makes up his mind ... you or him. See to me, if you don't have children, it is much easier to walk away. Because no matter what happens from here on out the OW will always be a part of him, and this child will always be a constant reminder of his infidelity.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am hanging in there as of today.
We have no children - which is why I think it's easier for him to walk away from me and be with the other woman.
I still haven't talked to him and we were just sending messages but most of it from me. He kept saying we will talk when he gets here but now he's not even sure if he's coming back. I kept asking him how could he do this and if they are going to continue on but I can't get an aswer. He says we will talk but until now I haven't spoken to him. I asked last night what is it that he wants and he owe it to me to be honest and that whatever it is I will understand as painful as it may be for me. This morning I got a text message from him saying he sorry and that I can file for a divorce for us to fix this. What is being fixed? Nothing on my part, which I don't get, he is not this man I know and I need to hear from him face to face so I asked him to please come home and tell it to my face and if he still wants to get divorced ---- I don't know what I'm going to do. But I don't want to give up without seeing him say it to my face.
He said we'll talk tomorrow morning - I'm hoping we do but I don't know if I am ready to hear it. I am ready to give up on us - I love him and I know he loves me but I may have to prepare myself for the worst.
Please pray for me that I will find strength and courage to face this once I hear from him.
You will be in my prayers. I think you see where this is headed. I'm very sorry you are facing this pain. As a "dumped" spouse myself, I know how damaging all of this can be. If at all possible, find a counselor--regardless of which way this ultimately goes.
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Just found out his infidelity last night.... 
I think you see where this is headed. I'm very sorry you are facing this pain. As a "dumped" spouse myself, I know how damaging all of this can be. If at all possible, find a counselor--regardless of which way this ultimately goes.
