Affaircare

[threadjack]
the guy,

You're welcome.

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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

Workingitout

I deleted my repost (not because I didn't really appreciate the advise), but because I got one of those new, super fancy phones and don't know how to post yet. I just quotes and that's all.

amigo1

Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated.[/QUOTE]

I read your post and found it very interesting. Ive had a similar experience. I had a couple questions Im curious about and maybe i can give some feedback. You say you were together almost 10 years before marriage, there were absolutely no incidents of unfaithfulness before marriage, is that right?

What were the anger and control issues about?

Why do you think she had been abusing substances, was there a history of this?

Workingitout

We started dating in 1986. No incidents of unfaithfulness either while we were dating or while we were married, up until October 2009.

My anger issues were that I would get mad if I ordered water without lemon and the server would bring a glass of water with lemon. Or if I asked for foam pillows in a hotel room and we would check in and there would be feather pillows. Or I would get mad at the incompetance of people I had to work with.

My control issues were mostly because my wife and I behaved in a parent/child relationship with her spending every penny she could and me complaining and subsequently paying the bill. That sort of stuff.

amigo1

Your anger issues dont sound like any big deal, I was thinking maybe it had something to do with the cheating (as was such in my case) but doesnt sound like that with you. You guys must have been very young when you met, is there a possibility that played a roll at all? It sounds like shes acting somewhat immature with some of the issues you mention. Does the counselor have any feedback as to why she thinks this happened?
also, I know antidepressants/drinking are a bad combo so that probablly had a lot to do with it.

Workingitout

I was 21, she was 18 when we started dating. She has made comments about "not having experienced many other guys". Also, we had poor conflict resolution through most of our relationship. It's only now that we are working on that to develop those skills. The alcohol, drugs and antidepressants were a bad combination. She was super depressed. I don't think her thoughts were rational.

amigo1

I agree and I know from personal experience. I can say that for me the best thing has been getting counseling for myself and you said your doing that already. I know that it does take a long time to get over someone cheating on you but ive seen others do it and thats what gives me hope! try to remember the good times between you.

RelationshipGardening

Recovery from cheating is known to be about a 2 year process-one in some cases. And this is with good healing changes which sounds like you are making. You are normal to have your PTSD reactions. They lessen over time as long as your gal will allow you to ask questions if you need to and express your hurt even if it seems old to her.
The mistake that counselors often make here is to support the betrayer's natural desire to minimize and sweep all the details under the rug. As long as you have a way to carry on this emotional check in with support from her, not attack-your healing will continue.
You can also do some things to start exercising your own personal shift from the focus on the intrusive feeling, thought, flashback etc to something here and now in the present that is a good feeling, thought, activity. It is a brain thing-we get stronger pathways etc in the brain when we rehearse that thing.
I totally understand why you would stay to repair and heal. Your relationship sounds like it is going to be stronger than ever when you are all done with your healing journey!
peace,
Shannon

tierzastarr

[QUOTE=Workingitout;226614]I was 21, she was 18 when we started dating. She has made comments about "not having experienced many other guys".




Personally I think that's crap. I've been with my husband since I was 15 and I'm perfectly happy. Sure we fight and there's times when we fight or I just cant tell him something especially cuz I felt he wasnt listening and it wasnt that important anyway plus i'm not much of a talker and alot of things build up especially since i'm a SAHM but i have never used the excuse that I have not experienced many guys. For awhile I wasn't satisfied sexually but I just "did myself". But after like 2 years "things" got better. I just had to wait them out. I didn't talk to him about it but I did go on the internet and found some ebooks and ordered them, then grabbed my H sat him in front of the computer and told him I wanted him to read it. That way he knew I was serious.