Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH
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Old 12-22-2010, 10:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

Friends:

Please give me your thoughts on this. I don't need to rehash too much - H gave me the "love you but not in love with you routine". I fought - hard - and got nowhere. He moved out. I was told plenty of times that there was no one else and lo and behold, the OW surfaced. He claimed it "just started" after he moved out, but that's not true. This OW was the one person that I had suspected the whole time. Anyway, he kept feeding me crumbs and told me up until the day I found out that he didn't know what he wanted, was still unsure, etc., and he even planned to attend a counseling session with me. As soon as I found out, I essentially went into hiding. No contact unless necessary to talk about the kids. I am not doing anything vindictive or stupid. Just sort of trying to soak it all in and heal. I sent him my own version of the "no contact" note today and wanted to get your take:

As far as everything else goes, I have to say that I am writing with a very heavy heart. I have loved you since the day that we met and it's very difficult and shocking for me to see things unfold this way. I take responsibility for the things that went wrong in the marriage - the failure to put our relationship on a high priority; the short temper; the need to control and the insensitivity that I used at times when talking about things that were important to you. I apologize for that, recognize it, and would have loved the chance to try to fix those issues. I'm sure those issues helped to create an environment that allowed you to feel that it was okay to stray.

I'm also sure you've noticed that I am keeping myself at bay and keeping my contact with you at a bare minimum. That is purposeful. Regardless of what you have said, I'm certain that your new relationship started well before I even knew we had a serious problem. There were a lot of signals and signs and I ignored most of them because I wanted so badly to believe you. I also never took the extra step to investigate things further because, in part, I knew in my heart that I would find something that I did not want to see. Nevertheless, as long as you are with someone else, I will continue my no contact unless absolutely necessary rule. We simply cannot be friends or even on friendly terms. The pain runs much too deep. I had said many times that over the last several months you acted and treated me like you wanted me to just disappear. As long as you are with this other person, that is exactly what I will do. I will grieve the loss of my marriage, our friendship, and my family and will do my best to move on. I will deal with whatever legal issues I have to deal with and do that in a way that does not hurt my children in the short or long run. Other than that, I wish with all my heart that things did not turn out this way.

If you have an inkling that this is not where you want things to be, I would be glad to talk to you about it. Until that day though, I will just be quiet, stop fighting and go away.
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

Blownaway, I am not a cheater but was cheated on. Your letter would deeply affect me, although I doubt it will do anything to stir emotion in a wayward spouse. Regrettably, your husband is too deep the the affair fog to care. He has a new piece of ass ***** to bring excitement to his less than exciting marriage.

From many months on this site, I think the prevailing advise would be to wait out his affair. It more than likely will fizzle out in short order and he will probably come crawling back. In the mean time, do not allow him to see you groveling or allow him to presume that you are waiting for him. You may want to give him the illusion (or reality) that you are going to be dating. This will go along way towards bursting his "have my cake and eat it too" bubble.
You may also want to reveal the affair to as many people as possible (his co-workers, friends, family & your social circle). It may be painful to do this (especially if you are a private person), but affairs operate best under the cloak of darkness and secrecy. Once revealed, they are far less exciting. Best of luck.
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Old 12-22-2010, 09:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

Thanks Workingitout. I agree. He is waaaay into his "fog". He responded to the letter, gave me some half-assed apology and said that he now sees that he hurt me more than he thought he would. um ... not sure how he thought that would go, but he's not thinking that one through. He saw first hand how much this devastated me so I guess he's just trying to ignore that. Then, the kicker was that he said he believes this (the break up) happened for a reason. He doesn't know what the reason is, but he feels that. Well, the "reason" has a name so if he ever wants me to clear that up, I'll be happy to. My counselor said he is clearly "rationalizing" to make himself feel better about crushing his entire family and trying to make it easier on himself. I don't know if he'll ever come crawling back, but at this point, it's none of my concern. I am going to move forward with legal action and see where that takes us. Can't go flying without a net and wait it out without any protection. In the meantime, no contact = no more opportunity to hurt me. These "fog" idiots are just shells of their former selves. ...
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Old 12-22-2010, 09:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

Blownaway I completely understand your situation. I was until recenlty married to one of those deep in the fog creatures called now ex H. I got no apology, no real closure, nothing, nada! And it hurts like hell, every single day. We treat each other like business associates. He just happened to have a 2 year old child with me. That's all it seems.

I also keep any contact with him to absolute bare minimum. I am in CAnada he is in the US so maybe in a way that is better for me. I don't let him hurt me anymore. Mind you he never yells or insults but he does not apologizes or even discussess his affair. Heck he even lies about it to his own mother.

During the last year I also wrote 2 letters to my husband and he never had the balls to even respond to any of them

I have joined a single parent's group through www.meetup.com and I love it. I met lots of people in my situation. I try to keep myself busy with everything and anything that keeps my mind off things.
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Old 12-23-2010, 04:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

Thanks so much. I will just keep moving forward despite the pain. He will know one day what he lost, but he will likely never show me that. God forbid they show an emotion. He is missing out on two of the most important people in the world - our kids. I do everything I'm supposed to in order to keep him in their lives and make sure that they spend time since they deserve two parents. But, they will see clearly one day and they will know who was there every single day for them. They will remember their dad as the dumbass who left, got a one bedroom apartment, and took them to McDonald's twice a week. I don't bash him to them, but I also don't talk about him and they honestly don't look for him anymore when he's not here. They are only 7 and 3, but on some level, they know. Anyway, no contact just helps to avoid the pain and the drama and that's the best thing to do. I will move on and maybe one day things will be better. Maybe he was only supposed to be with me for a short time or a "season" so we could have these beautiful kids. I'd like to think there is something better out there and that next Christmas I will wonder why the hell I was so upset. ...
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Old 12-23-2010, 06:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

Blownaway, hold tight, I fully understand your situation. I am freshly struggling myself. My kids are 6 and 10 and it's been only one week that my H admitted that there is someone else in his life. I know exactly how it feels to have someone else taking your place. I don't recognise my husband anymore, this is not the person I married. We are all still under one roof, but he is looking to moving out. I cannot imagine what this will do to my kids. We never fought or argued or yelled at each other before. This came as a bombshell a couple of months ago. I still cannot think straight, I cannot talk to him normally....I am completely upside down and still cannot accept what is happening....how can someone be so selfish.....I am trying to ignore him right now but I know it cannot continue....I will only be able to sit and talk when my emotions allow me to do so...right now I cannot.....it hurts like hell and although I know I have to take care of myself first, it's just b***** impossible right now....I am still struggling to at least accept the mess he is creating....(check my previous posts for more insight).
Every coming christmas will be a reminder of this hell....I cannot believe it.....
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Old 12-23-2010, 09:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry, Mata. It was the same way with us. Prior to his complete change in behavior, I think I could count on one hand the times that we actually seriously argued or he made me upset enough to cry. It came out of the blue for me too. I also do not recognize him and have zero respect for him. I'm lucky in that my kids are a little bit younger - my oldest is only 7 and the youngest is 3. It is extremely difficult to hold your tongue, especially when you're in the same house. You're smart to just stay away and avoid him. I exploded many times and it really got me no where. Trust me though, when he leaves there will be a tiny bit of relief because there will be no more wondering what he's up to, where he is, whether he's changing his mind, etc. You will get through it. Mine has been gone since mid-October. At first I thought I would die. I literally felt like just sitting in the corner and dying. I didn't want to do anything. Couldn't think straight. Cried at the drop of a hat and felt like just crawling out of my own skin. It still sucks BIG TIME, but it's better now that I know the real reason for all of this and now I can take back some control. Got my lawyer retained and keep contact to a bare minimum - only when necessary and only by text or email unless there is a true emergency. My kids see him regularly because they deserve two parents, and I am seeing a counselor regularly to get through it. We will get through it - I promise, better days are ahead.
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Old 12-23-2010, 12:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

I can feel your hurt runs deep, you want to work on your marriage and you still love your husband.
To me, it's a love letter, instead of a no contact letter.
No contact only means when he's still in the contact with the OW.
I'm very sorry to see what you've been though but you've been strong and you sorted out things properly, regardless you have emotion rollercoaster.
What I can suggest you is to pray to God. I'm not a church person. I simply have faith and the miracle. Tell God clearly what you have suffered in your marriage and pray to Him to wake up your husband, to return to family with regret and love and to work on the marriage with you.
God saved my marriage when I caught my husband's affair. God also wanted me to be a more humble wife- Never quick tempered again!
God takes care of marriages and he has done other miracle on my maid's DH. I have posted it here before. I want you to try out the praying because only your power is weak to send the evil woman away, so you need His power.
The last thing i'd suggest is, pls don't hide yourself. You need to communicate with your husband face to face.
The best way is show your love and sincerity without listening to his nonsense.
He would tell you lots of lies and nonsense at this stage.
If he did lie, that's because he still loves you and he didn't want to hurt you, but men are stupid liars. Anyway, why lie? he should just get divorced and go away with the OW instead of lying if he truely loves the OW.
You need to show him, you are still the wonderful woman he married many years ago.
You're not short-tempered anymore but sincerely, you show him you're willing to work on the marriage with him. Tell him, you won't give him up, unless he already gave you up, which I don't think so. I suspected he was having fun with the OW. He doesn't love her.
Talk to him! He wants to talk to you!

Last edited by MsLonely; 12-23-2010 at 12:50 PM.
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Old 12-23-2010, 01:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I think I have done that and done more than my share of telling him how I feel. He knows that I would have given my left arm to save this relationship, but he's not willing to even try. I unfortunately do think that he loves this other woman, or at least thinks he does. He hemmed and hawed about what to do up until the minute that I found out. Once I found out, he essentially said that we can't be married any more. He is just not into this, or if he is, he is not showing any signs of wanting to come back. I think the praying is about all I have in the arsenal right now. Trying to wake him up myself has not worked and although I agree that it's really hard to just cut yourself off, I think at this point I have to do what's best for me and not go back in for another round of punches. No contact means no more opportunities to hurt me. He has hurt me an awful lot over the last several months and I simply can't go back in for more. If he ever wakes up and he ever realizes the magnitude of what he's done, maybe I would listen. I suspect though that I will have moved on and that my scars will run very deep. Thank you for your thoughts - I am grateful for everyone's comments. They really do help.
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Old 12-23-2010, 09:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

Quote:
Originally Posted by blownaway View Post
I think I have done that and done more than my share of telling him how I feel. He knows that I would have given my left arm to save this relationship, but he's not willing to even try. I unfortunately do think that he loves this other woman, or at least thinks he does. He hemmed and hawed about what to do up until the minute that I found out. Once I found out, he essentially said that we can't be married any more. He is just not into this, or if he is, he is not showing any signs of wanting to come back. I think the praying is about all I have in the arsenal right now. Trying to wake him up myself has not worked and although I agree that it's really hard to just cut yourself off, I think at this point I have to do what's best for me and not go back in for another round of punches. No contact means no more opportunities to hurt me. He has hurt me an awful lot over the last several months and I simply can't go back in for more. If he ever wakes up and he ever realizes the magnitude of what he's done, maybe I would listen. I suspect though that I will have moved on and that my scars will run very deep. Thank you for your thoughts - I am grateful for everyone's comments. They really do help.

Is he at home with the kids everyday?

There are some misunderstandings between you & your husband.

What you think he is might not what he thinks he is.

We women tend to believe we understand what's in our husbands' brains and believe we are right. That's because you're too hurt to believe that he still loves you.

When he told you he's not having an affair, it means he's not, not yet giving away his love to the mistress. When the moment he said he can't stay in the marriage, (I'm not sure this was from his mouth or from your thoughts & feelings or when you're fighting, it means differently), it depended on how you interpreted his words.

Anyway, before these seveal months, he has been thinking about the marriage issue for a long time already.

Trust me,

Most men don't just give up family, kids & his wife because of a mistress, unless he has no hopes in his wife and finds it impossible to communicate with her.

Despite finding it hard to fall back in love with the wife, he would still hesitate to break up with the wife.

You have to understand your husband without putting your own judgements in him.

The mistress, in a certain level, was just a woman who offers him a place where she listens to his venting, gives him comfort and gives him ideas, insights, and advice.

If he has an affair, yet not very sure to break up with you because he's struggling, so please do not take it as his dirty mind game that he's playing.

He's as painful as you are.

If you refuse to understand your husband, communicate with him with love, and you assume too much how his brain works, how evil he is, he might come back for the kids' sakes, but not for you.

Is this what you want in a marriage?

Of course not. You need a faithful, loving, responsible husband. But such husband doesn't just fall down from the skies and married you. He needs you to love him back and respect him back. So he would love you and respect you back.

You also can't expect a man to love you unconditionally if you don't love him unconditionally.

The fact is you still love him, that's why it hurts.

You can't lie yourself. You can't hide forever because you don't want more hurt.

You love him deeply and what you really need is just his love.

Tell him to love you and stop hurting you.

Tell him you would do everything to make things work, you would do whatever it takes to re-create the sparks with him, but you also need his love & support.

When you show him you're still the woman he fell in love with. He will have hopes. He will leave the OW automatically, he would apologise and work things out with you.

Be sincere & humble.

Last edited by MsLonely; 12-23-2010 at 09:46 PM.
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Old 12-24-2010, 08:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Nope - he moved out in mid-October, before I knew what was really going on. He does not see the kids every day or even every other day. He is apparently content with seeing them for a weekend every other week, and a few short hours during the rest of the weeks.

I think it's safe to say that he has completely given up. He does not want to be here with us. In fact, he's now turning somewhat hostile toward me. Maybe it's because I found out about the OW, which was not intentional on his part, and maybe because I've stopped all the contact unless necessary. He will run to the other person for comfort and it seems like he's started a new life already. At this point, he sees me as the enemy - the one that is standing in his way for true happiness. Who wants a partner thinking that? I will get out of the way.

The only thing to take comfort in at this point is that I have my children, they are healthy and relatively happy even though their dad, their hero, is no longer here. I don't understand this "affair fog" and I guess I never will. He has made his choice and I have to make my choice to just keep moving. I have been hurt so much and so many times over the last several months. The hurt is going to continue for years, I know that. But, I can't just stand by and allow him to break my heart at every turn. There has to be a chance to heal for me. He is extremely selfish. It's time for me to think about myself too. I will try my best not to be hostile or unreasonable and will learn to take the high road at all turns. If his "fog" ever breaks and he ever really understnds what he's lost, he runs the risk of me not being available and having already moved on. I can't wait for him.
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Old 12-24-2010, 08:32 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Blownaway, I agree 200% with your latest post. This is exactly how I feel. Today is xmas eve and for the past 10years, this has been such a looked forward even. My mother in law would cook today and on Xmas day my H would cook....this year it's the same except that my heart is not in there...how can it be?? This is going to be the ever hardest xmas time of my life. I am also getting in touch with a lawyer to know where I stand. If one day he ever finds out that he has been digging a hole and throwing himself right in there with his eyes open....he may decide to come back, but as you say, we might have moved on.....after such deep wounds and scars, am not sure we would be ready to start all over again, the trust is gone.....I am with you, hopefully we'll catch up again in the near future, supporting each other. Thank you very much. And in spite of everything, I wish you a good Christmas with your children. I will also cheer up for their sake....it's so hard.....Big hug to you.
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Old 12-24-2010, 10:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Mata - we will get through it. I don't know how and I don't know when the hurting will stop, if ever, but we will get through it. We love the people they used to be and have to keep remembering that they are no longer the same. Something inside snapped to make them throw it all away. I believe that they are, in a sense, sick. THIS Christmas will be awful. Even though I am having company and my kids are so excited they could bust. It will be awful for me on the inside. But, keep in mind that NEXT Christmas will be better. We have to start new traditions and embark on this new life that was forced upon us. Same thing as if one spouse dies. Keep moving.
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH

They say divorce accompanied by betrayal is the second worst thing one can experience after the death of a loved one. But as you said we will survive. And you are right about something snapping in their heads. I like to think of it as something short circuited.
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Old 12-26-2010, 12:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Yesterday was the worst christmas I have ever had. I spent all day in my room. H was preparing dinner as each year but my heart was not in it. My in laws were at home and my kids....but I could not sit at the table and pretend everything is ok. I did an effort the day before when my mother in law prepared dinner and it felt terrible. I was miserable but preferred to lock myself in. H was on the phone with the OW in the middle of the night. I went downstairs for a glass of water and could not believe my ears...how could he?? For the first time since everything started, he slept on the couch...I locked the bedroom door...today they are all gone to the mountain house and will spend the next two weeks there. I am on my own and I think I feel better. I miss being with my children but I'll arrange to see them next week end when H will be going away...probably to spend time with the OW....What a life....I am still not sure how things will be in the future. I know that he is looking to move out....this may give me some temporary peace....but I still have not talked about how we will proceed regarding the kids.....my mind is still all blurred....and I still cannot believe all this is happenning.....If only I knew what the future will be made of......
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