I think I have done that and done more than my share of telling him how I feel. He knows that I would have given my left arm to save this relationship, but he's not willing to even try. I unfortunately do think that he loves this other woman, or at least thinks he does. He hemmed and hawed about what to do up until the minute that I found out. Once I found out, he essentially said that we can't be married any more. He is just not into this, or if he is, he is not showing any signs of wanting to come back. I think the praying is about all I have in the arsenal right now. Trying to wake him up myself has not worked and although I agree that it's really hard to just cut yourself off, I think at this point I have to do what's best for me and not go back in for another round of punches. No contact means no more opportunities to hurt me. He has hurt me an awful lot over the last several months and I simply can't go back in for more. If he ever wakes up and he ever realizes the magnitude of what he's done, maybe I would listen. I suspect though that I will have moved on and that my scars will run very deep. Thank you for your thoughts - I am grateful for everyone's comments. They really do help.
Is he at home with the kids everyday?
There are some misunderstandings between you & your husband.
What you think he is might not what he thinks he is.
We women tend to believe we understand what's in our husbands' brains and believe we are right. That's because you're too hurt to believe that he still loves you.
When he told you he's not having an affair, it means he's not, not yet giving away his love to the mistress. When the moment he said he can't stay in the marriage, (I'm not sure this was from his mouth or from your thoughts & feelings or when you're fighting, it means differently), it depended on how you interpreted his words.
Anyway, before these seveal months, he has been thinking about the marriage issue for a long time already.
Most men don't just give up family, kids & his wife because of a mistress, unless he has no hopes in his wife and finds it impossible to communicate with her.
Despite finding it hard to fall back in love with the wife, he would still hesitate to break up with the wife.
You have to understand your husband without putting your own judgements in him.
The mistress, in a certain level, was just a woman who offers him a place where she listens to his venting, gives him comfort and gives him ideas, insights, and advice.
If he has an affair, yet not very sure to break up with you because he's struggling, so please do not take it as his dirty mind game that he's playing.
He's as painful as you are.
If you refuse to understand your husband, communicate with him with love, and you assume too much how his brain works, how evil he is, he might come back for the kids' sakes, but not for you.
Is this what you want in a marriage?
Of course not. You need a faithful, loving, responsible husband. But such husband doesn't just fall down from the skies and married you. He needs you to love him back and respect him back. So he would love you and respect you back.
You also can't expect a man to love you unconditionally if you don't love him unconditionally.
The fact is you still love him, that's why it hurts.
You can't lie yourself. You can't hide forever because you don't want more hurt.
You love him deeply and what you really need is just his love.
Tell him to love you and stop hurting you.
Tell him you would do everything to make things work, you would do whatever it takes to re-create the sparks with him, but you also need his love & support.
When you show him you're still the woman he fell in love with. He will have hopes. He will leave the OW automatically, he would apologise and work things out with you.
Be sincere & humble.