Confused after catching husband having "sexting affair"... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-22-2010, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Confused after catching husband having "sexting affair"...

Hello, sadly I am new to this site. I am hoping to come out of this with strength, guidance and support.

I am 27 years old, a mother of a 2 year old, and I am 7 months pregnant. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 5.

Last night I caught my husband in a sexting affair with an old college friend, whom he says he never dated. They started the whole thing a month ago, after he sent her, as well as several other people of both sexes a text message about why they missed the reunion two months ago. He claims that after just casual, "Hey, how've you been" etc... that she had questioned as to why they never dated, and from there things just spiraled out of control, one thing lead to the other, and sexual, racy pictures of both of them have been being sent back and forth.
That is how I found out about it last night. I am a stay at home mom, yet very computer/phone savvy... and while inquiring about a Christmas present, grabbed his phone, and decided to see what my mom had sent him. He deletes things constantly - more so because he hates his phone, email, etc... to be cluttered. I believe him there. I just hit two command buttons and retrieved his text history. And as early as THAT morning, had discovered several messages from this person. I clicked on the first one, and what I saw instantly shot through me. It was a picture of this girl, bare ass and naked in the tub, with a picture from behind saying "if you were behind me right now, this is what you would be getting". My heart broke. I immediately asked him what the hell it was, who it was, which he respond regretfully... Give me my phone, it's nothing. Well yeah, that went over well.
Our two year old was right in front of us, and saw our emotions and started to cry. Still not sure what was worse, the whole night, or scaring my son with mommy and daddy crying and fighting. We have never fought, or argued in front of him. EVER.

History: When we first were dating, he was always on porn sites behind closed doors, or if I walked in a room, all you could hear was click click as he closed things out that he didn't want me to see. Alot of it back then was on Myspace... girls always writing and posting to him. It made me mad, but I also knew that working in a bar, meeting in a bar has it's downfalls as well. I also had lots of people that would always pursue me... however I never once ever acted on it. I had addressed it back then, while we were dating once we got more serious and told him that I wasn't into that kind of thing, and I have always thought it was degrading, and so I never wanted him to "think" I was the type of person who liked, or allowed this to be in my life. He promised that he would quit and that he was just a normal 25 year old guy... I dealt with being insecure about it, but eventually thought he just stopped, or that I struck a nerve with him, and I stopped "catching" him. Then the weekend that he proposed... I had clicked on one of his emails that had some nasty video in it... I do believe this was an internet video, and not someone he knew... anyways, I lied about how much computer knowledge I had.... dropped a few key words I had picked up from my techie friends. He immediately confessed w/out me probing too hard, but mostly because he "thought" I had seen it all on the computer. There were viruses galore, and I knew nothing I ever did to a computer would give it a virus. That was an eventful weekend. I took off my engagement ring, and told him when he was ready to commit to me, and me fully, emotionally and w/out hurting me through porn, yada yada, I would take it back. That took 3 days. We talked and we talked and I agreed to give him another chance after he saw how badly he had hurt me then.

I do have to say that in the last 3 years, he's been really good. I used to monitor the computer... and I guess I just got too relaxed because I haven't even given it a thought for well over a year. I thought he finally kicked his "addiction" and was being good. It took a lot from me to move on from there, because he knew how I felt about it while we were dating, and how hard it was for me to trust him back then, as well as think that there was nothing wrong with me. Nothing worse than feeling like a defective device in your prime years...

Okay so back to last night. We argued, I cried, he cried. He confessed he needed help, and that he had an addiction, and would do ANYTHING and whatever it takes to save our marriage. BTW - this person is also married.

My mother and father divorced when my mom was 7 months pregnant with me over infidelity. His parents have been married now for 34 years... He finally left our home at 2:00 am, and slept in a Wal-mart parking lot in his car. I cried myself to sleep, and cuddled our two year old. ;(

Here's the other thing. MY entire family is 2,287 miles away... his family is all 3.5-7 miles away - and it's a southern family... in a small small town. So essentially, I am alone, unless I wanna air our dirty laundry for everyone to see.

As of this morning, as I requested, he has talked with his dad. His best friend, and literally the last person he would want to disappoint. That was a huge step, and I know it had to be painfully hard. (oh well). He has also changed the phone number he has had for 14 years, also at my request, but w/out hesitation.

My thing is we have a 2 year old, it's Christmas... I actually ordered him a new wedding band (better than the last right? ha)... I guess my main question is WHAT DO I DO NOW? How do I go about fixing my marriage, but not hurting my son? Keeping my health during the end of this pregnancy. Do I make him leave and stay somewhere else at night? What do I do to make my son unaware of anything. This is where I am the most confused. I have already agreed, though hurt, to help him through this. We have too much to lose as a family. I know that counseling will be starting next week, more than likely for both of us. I feel like I am going to need just as much as him to heal.
I just literally don't know what to do for now. Before that starts. I need my son to see mommy and daddy happy and smiling on Christmas...

Do I make him stay at his parents? Does he come by during the afternoon, after work for "normal" dinner? To read our son a goodnight story? Do we have our normal conversations, activities, etc... I don't know. I am so confused as to the right steps I need to make to heal, and protect my son.

I am willing to hear both sides, any and all suggestions. I love my husband, and I know he loves us. He just hasn't been loving me 100% and I need help to heal and cope.


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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-22-2010, 01:27 PM
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Re: Confused after catching husband having "sexting affair"...

This can be worked out. I think your husband does have an addiction. He needs to talk to someone, preferable with a Sex Addict Counselor. He has a problem drawing boundaries when it comes to the Porn. He probably could care less about the other woman, and just sees her like he does the porn.

But he has work to do to earn your trust and work through the issues. I'm not exactly sure what steps to take, but just take it slow through the holidays. Enjoy your son.

I was in a similar situation back earlier this year. My husband has done the work and things are working out pretty good. Lots of communication between us has helped. We are still married and will stay that way. Actually our marriage is better than ever as far as the communcation goes.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-22-2010, 03:16 PM
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Re: Confused after catching husband having "sexting affair"...

Get him back in the house! If you want to keep him, he needs to be near you, where you can communicate and express love and find out what was missing in your marriage so that you can fix it. You can't do it while he's away. The holidays are good time to reconnect. It may be difficult for you but as the saying goes, act "as-if".
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