My wife has been unhappy for some time. She reconnected with an old friend on FB and that friendship grew into something very intense and romantic. They fell in love. When I found out I was rather sad but calm because I felt a lot of guilt for the situation. Her affair was all virtual as the man is thousands of miles away and the very intense part of the relationship lasted about four weeks, though I think the flirtatious courting period lasted a few months prior.
Iíve never felt jealous. I didnít know my wife felt anything missing. Weíve started counseling but have yet to have a productive session due to change of counselors and rescheduling. She still has communication with this man. Occasional emails, a picture or two saved on her phone, a bunch of old emails saved on her account. She had a secret email account that she deleted because I was kind of upset about it but somehow she turned the situation on me and I felt guilty. I hate that sheís sad. I want her to be happy. But I want her to be happy with us. Three young children, and a husband who adores her.
Today, I noticed that this man reactivated his Facebook account and she is friends with him still. I told her I noticed that he was on FB again and asked if she was going to delete him as a friend. She said she hadnít planned on it. I was kind of floored. Iíve been very patient, well, kind of patient. Iíve let her process the way she needs to without pointing out every little thing I notice. Sheís not good at hiding her stuff on the computer and I come across all sorts of things I wish I didnít. But I usually donít say anything. I figured she needs to figure out how to move past this.
Maybe Iím going about this wrong. She gets very indignant when pushed at all around this issue. I think she needs to end all contact. She feels she needs to have some or it will feel like a death of a friend and have no closure. I understand what sheís saying even if I donít agree. What I do know is that itís been six weeks and Iím about done with the other guy in the wings. I need her to be present and I donít feel like she is. Any suggestions?
Iím very close to saying, ďYouíre a big girl, I canít make you do anything, nor do I want to, but until youíre in this for real and want to heal us, Iím done. Because I am nothing but in this and I canít do any work with the other guy in the mix.Ē
Is the OM married or single, has a girlfriend or engaged?
You start with what is called a Plan A to win your wifes affections back,
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a storm created by your wife
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected wave of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for your wife's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the head of your wife.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage.
Standing up to infidelity for the good of the family.
It is highly unlikely that your wife has stopped the affair.
You have a conversation with your wife and ask her openly if the affair has ended.
To evidence this she deletes the friend from facebook and sends him what is called a No Contact letter. this is supported by full transparency and a commitment to rebuild the marriage.
If she declines you have your answer!!!
As exposure is part of Plan A you have to understand the target audience.
You tell her parents and siblings your wife is conducting an online affair.
You load a keylogger onto the PC to track if she is in communication with the OM.
If she is we have a template to expose the affair far and wide and make it very uncomfortable for the OM. I suggest in the interim you access his facebook and copy all his friends onto a word document that you secure somewhere. This is in the event the affair is still active and they lock you out of the account.
Buy the "his needs her needs" and "surviving an affair" books from Harley - you will have to read these as does your wife. It give you background on how to go forward.
Access the following sites and read the articles. You have to understand what we will be advising you to do and why so do read them.
Please do understand that it is unlikely the affair is over and you have to harden yourself for the journey ahead. Every time your wife is in contact with the OM or looks at his picture she is still in the affair.
You respond to all the comments: I am holding out hope for our marriage.
You stay calm
You don't argue
You don't explain
You do not preach
You do not educate
you do not apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact
You calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage
Do not tell your wife what you are doing or that you or that you are on this forum
In short, my wife found her boyfriend from highschool (10th grade) and saw that he was all grown up, normal, had a wife and kid and wasn't the assh*le that broke her heart in 10th grade. She contacted him. I knew about it and didn't feel threatened because he was on the opposite coast and was a loser (even 27 years later). Their "harmless" chats moved off of FB. I thought it ran it's course and was done. 10 months later, he came into town and they wound up in the back seat of a car, doing despicable things! A month later, I suspected and confronted. She admitted. I threatened divorce, she attempted suicide. One week in the hospital, 70 days of inpatient rehab (where she had another affair), 6 weeks of outpatient rehab, and 10 months of counselling (her each week and couples therapy each week). Over $70,000 in uninsurable expense and enough emotional heartache to last a lifetime!
I only wish someone had hit me over the head and said "END THAT THING NOW!" I would have called his wife and told her everything. I would have called him and let him know to stay away. I would have given my wife an ultimatum to either recommit to our marriage or live without me!
Understand that your wife is in a fog of unimaginable proportions! This "relationship" is producing huge amounts of dopamine, oxytocine, adrenaline, and serotonin in her head. She will not respond to normal conversation from you and will hide or continue her "affair" at any and all costs!
I caught my wife 2 times (one was a text message, the other was a single one minute phone call) and she denied it both times. She came up with plausible explanations each time. Since I didn't have more proof, I had no choice but to believe her. I actually wanted to believe her so I didn't dig further. Knowing what I know now, I would have been all over the situation! Goodluck & keep us posted.
Wow, that Plan A is rather intense. I would rather not have to expose the affair. I prefer she stops communication and we do the work needed. We both have individual sessions with the counselor tomorrow and then couples on Wednesday.
This guy is a serial monogamist. He has long term relationships that never go anywhere. He also had the same kind of virtual affair with his best friends wife. It lasted three years. My wife is good friends with this other woman. The other husband does not know.
I'm sure this is a safe way for this man to get his needs met.
thanks for your feedback. I appreciate the support and the shared experience.
What you are saying is you have it all under control, do the decent thing and tell the other womans husband. Furthermore as you believe you can ignor the information given take some time out and read the threads here and those on under surviving an affair on the marriage builders site, your wife is following a script the only one not seeing it is you.
Councelling is of no value while your wife is in an affair. Please do listen the Plan A is a solid plan from marriage builders and if your councillor disagrees fire them - this site and others are dedicated to saving marriages. Posted via Mobile Device
Eli-Zor, Kind of unfriendly. I hear what you're saying. You are making some assumptions about what I think and what I believe. I was commenting that it seems intense. It is a very intense process. I don't think that can be denied. I don't have it under control.
From some of the other posts I had read, I thought the exposure was if the DS was unwilling to break off contact.
As for the other woman's husband. That's already been taken care of. Thanks for your non-judgmental feedback, it makes one feel so welcome...
I commented on what you wrote, as for your comment " non judgemental" I leave that for you. Plain speaking is not an insult nor is open honest advice.
As for the exposure I asked you to tell her parents and siblings this is part of the process to affair proof your marriage and they should be her closest confidants , I have not as yet asked you to expose far and wide unless you find evidence of the affair continuing.
As for Plan A the carrot is what you should be doing all the time , for further reading buy the books and read the articles in the sites I posted to you.
Apologies if you feel the writing Is presumptuous often it is as we have seen this before.
LostNWounded: Please take heed! Eli-Zor is giving you sound advice! While it may seem harsh or "judgemental", I would have gladly paid $100,000 or more to get that advice a year ago! Please read my post earlier in your thread! Regrettably, it's all too common and I've read similar stories to mine and can already predict where yours is heading! Don't underestimate the power of an affair fog on a spouse!
I too thought I was ok with what I was doing. We went to counselling and she bullsh*ted her way through the sessions! She assured me that she had no more contact with the OM and I had nothing to worry about. She was extra loving, invited me to try things sexually that we had never done before, texted me with loving and sexually charged messages..... All to cover up her affair!
While the advice here may seem "one size fits all" and we don't know the exact particulars of your situation, we've all seen the destructiveness of affairs and are too familiar with the patterns that all affairs share. You are, unfortunately headed on the same path that we've all been before! Again, I wish I found this site last year and would have only hoped for some "judgemental advice". Goodluck and keep us posted.
I apologize. I'm a bit sensitive right now I guess. I do appreciate the information and suggestions. Also, I'm sure that you get a lot of people like myself who are in such shock and awe of the situation, that they don't know how to proceed. My plan was to ask that she end all contact and tell the people close to us about what has happened, her dad, my mother, our friends. I want to do this with the help of the counselor. In my experience, a neutral person can be very helpful with difficult communications especially since I'm uncertain that I can say what I need to with the calmness needed. I'm pretty raw right now.
I do thank you all. I'll let you know how it goes.
Read this thread to see what you have to look forward to.
They are right, this isn't going to be easy or quick. Once an affair like this starts it's almost impossible to stop. If you don't take a hard line you will be setting yourself up for failure. If I had to go back I would have filed for a divorce the day I found out about my wife's affair (but probably not gone through with it). It would had woke her up much sooner and I would had kept some dignity.
I am the wife and we have recently survived an online EA. For us it happened rather unexpectedly. We were happy with one another - sex was good and we were having a good time.
The online EA started when I was playing this game via FB. It was a team game and I was getting to be good friends with a particular group. It was still a healthy game when I was chatting and just playing. To get help with it, I picked someone from the group that was good at that game - and he was a guy. At first, it was just sort of a mentoring kind of relationship to get my game better. Eventually we were spending more time with each other than with the group. Then it became personal when we started sharing details about our own lives. I was spending more and more time with this person. I was looking forward to our time together and before I knew it, we weren't just saying good night politely but it started with a heart emoticon. Next thing I knew we were blowing kisses at one another and the emotional floodgates opened and it became an online emotional affair.
When I was first confronted by my partner I was clueless as to where he was coming from. I adamantly maintained my innocence. I was thinking he was joking about the whole thing. I was thinking even when my "friendship" with this other guy was going on, my marriage was still great. We were still having great sex and still very much affectionate with one another. In the next weeks that i would go online and my husband would ask about the other guy online I would get so annoyed and we started to fight about it. I claimed it wasn't for real. For me at that time it was just a person who I was flirting and enjoying playing games with. We were now arguing everytime I got online and I saw that he was getting devestated by what I was doing. I started to feel guilty and bad because my "real" relationship was going bad over my fake one. I felt resentful also for my husband not being to understand that it was harmless; yet I felt that I craved talking to this other person. Whenever I went online then, he would leave. He couldn't stand being in the same room. He said he couldn't take me screwing with another person while he was in the same room. I was still making excuses. I was now telling my online partner about my problems at work and he was so supportive. I never brought home my problems from work because I did not want to stress my husband about it.
One day my husband finally laid it down on me hard. He gave a detailed rundown on why it was hurting him and he begged me to end my affair and get back to him; to how in love we were with each other. He made me choose between him and the other guy.
It wasn't so hard to choose for me. I really love my husband but it was really hard ending the affair. I realized how hurt my husband was and I knew that I had to end the affair. It was hard because I was so dependent on the other guy. I needed to tell him my problems, I needed to feel him caring for me, I needed him listening to me and him talking to me. I realized then it was an affair because our feelings for one another was so real. When you start thinking about being together with him physically, then your real marriage is in trouble. We were even starting to have "plans".
The first step I believe is the confrontation and making your wife realize how hurt you are and how much it is destroying your marriage. The second is, you have to make her realise she has to choose. As long as I thought my husband could take it - I wouldn't have stopped. The third and most important part is her support from you. My husband didn't push me, instead he supported me - he prodded and listened to the things I needed and enjoyed with this other man. When he knew I was talking about my problems - he wanted to know them and help me with my problems at work. He was more gentle and patient and attentive to my every need. The less dependent i was of the other man, the more I became convinced that it wasn't fair to any of us. The thing I also appreciated much from my husband was he still trusted me even when i had already betrayed him and that he never involved anyone else with our problem. I know if he involved any other of our friends or relatives I would have reacted differently - more defensive and it would be harder to resolve the conflict. He was just patient and waiting and was there all the time. The communication was also constant - it's also essential because my husband did not only know things but we both realized what was lacking in our marriage. Don't stop talking even when you're both emotional and confronatational because at least things will get exposed. Then after patiently waiting he asked when I was going to end it - we pegged a specific date and planned how to close it.
In our case since my online guy was also jealous and suspicious, we had to be careful. We decided to close my FB account without him detecting anything. We started telling all my friends that I was deleting my account and opening a better one. We started migrating "chosen friends" - we made sure we did not include friends that knew the other guy. When the day came I went online like any other day and when we said goodbye we deleted my account.
Up to this day I never went back. i still think about it but my husband is all I need. I had cut all communication with him and ended it. Today our marriage is a stronger and we learned a lot from that experience that improved our realtionship for the better.
We have decided to start a blog some months back and planned to start it on New Year's day. It has now been published and if you want to read what my husband has to say about it, you can read about it here.
Well, that's really what happened to me, to us. And I pray that you and your wife will recover from this.