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post #16 of 16 (permalink) Old 12-30-2010, 12:35 PM
Tanelornpete's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 996
Re: I need some advice please - cheating husband

Regarding telling our families. Part of me really wants to do that but I am afraid that it will do more harm than good. Not to him, not to me, but to our parents. They do not live near us. We have no family near by immediate, extended or otherwise. They are all across the country and I would have to tell them over the phone. My parents would be devestated. My mother is kind of fragile and this would literally eat her up. Not only that, but once I tell them I can never take that knowledge back.
I would point out that there is no reason to tell your family anything about your relationship with your husband, provided he is back in the marriage. Exposure is only effective when it is used in it's proper place - to reveal that cheating is going on (with it's concurrent deception, lies, etc.) Otherwise, it is more often simply vindictive action - which is detrimental to any relationship.

Simple decision: do you want to save your marriage? That answer shouldn't be that difficult. If yes, commit to it. If no, get out of it very soon. The longer you dwell in and on pain, the more of a 'habit' the pain becomes, and the worse you will both 'feel' and treat others.

Your husband, from all indications, has returned to the marriage. This means that he is willing to do what it takes to make things right. So he is now sitting and waiting. It is hard to say how long that will go on, but I can tell you that if you are not willing to do the same as he - work on the marriage, then he will begin to reconsider, to ponder if it is worth any effort at all. You'll lose the opportunity to make your marriage a healthy one.

Let's say that this relationship can be salvaged, there will always be an elephant in the room, and it won't just be my husband who has to deal with it, it will be me as well. I don't know if I can handle that added stress.
What is the elephant?

One thing to keep in mind: affairs rarely, if ever happen in a vacuum. They are usually, if not always an inappropriate and immoral solution for a pre-existing problem. So if there is an elephant in the room, I would point out that it is the troubles that lead to your husband making this decision. The affair is not the cause of the troubles (it is one on it's own) - it is a choice (among many other available) to solve the troubles. It's usually the easiest- seeming solution.

If our marriage ends I will always be vulnerable in their eyes and I don't want all of the questions from my mother and the additional burden that it places on their shoulders worrying if I am alright and what will happen to me and the kids.
This is one of the things that will happen, regardless of what you want. Because it is likely inevitable, leave it to itself and don't bother wasting time worrying about it.

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