hkbaker

Ok, so she had an affair a year ago with her "first" after hooking up on Facebook(don't even get me started on that evil website). The whole thing just freaking blows, so I'll try to lay it out without being too long.

So she sleeps with the OM, but not before a rather lengthy phone/text affair. She complained about all of my shortcomings to this guy before sleeping with him. Sex was no good, I got laid off from job, etc.

We are always hanging out with these two other couples that are great friends. She tells the two women that she had an affair and they of course told their husbands. So, we are always hanging out and there is this 900lb gorilla in the room that I don't even know exists. Everyone knows but me.

They felt it wasn't their place to tell me, but they could see I was hurting because she wouldn't come clean. Finally one of the guys gives her an ultimatum: either you tell him or I will the next time I see him. I see my friend at a BBQ and she still hasn't told me then he finally tells me. She saw me talking to him so she knew that I knew. She still chose to lie to me saying she met, kissed, couldn't go through with it.

Fast forward to now. We see an Imago Therapist twice a month and I have forgiven her of the affair. One problem, there is hardly any sex. First she complained to the OM that the sex wasn't good, which apparently was not true. Then she tells me she has low libido, and now she's so depressed, she doesn't feel like being intimate. WTF?

Also, she has exclusively ran the finances for the past 6 years. Unbeknown to me, we have received $40,000 in income tax refunds the past 6 years and have $10k in cc debt that I knew nothing about while I'm wearing 3 year old underwear and on a short spending leash because there's no money. Oh yeah, she got a $5500 breast job just after the affair as well. They look nice, but no touchy.

I have a part in this, I know. Leading up to the affair, we grew apart TOGETHER, she decided to take it outside the marriage, I got angry and I know it is a problem(never raised a hand, I would think the same)

The ironic thing about the sex is that she hardly ever initiates, makes sex seem like a chore, won't touch me, caress me, reciprocate oral sex...EVER.

Believe me, I have tried so many things to try to get her aroused, like: Buy her flowers for no reason, come home and spend an hour plus cleaning the kitchen after a 12 hour work day, drive a half hour out of my way to go to Cheesecake Factory to buy her a single slice of cheesecake, offer to watch the kids while she gets her nails done, leave a note in her car titled 10 things I love about her and on and on.

I see very little by way of reciprocation. The thing is, even after all of this, I love her so much. I'm just frustrated, cause I'm wondering when is it going to be my turn? When will my needs be above hers? Cause it seems like her needs are always met first with little consideration for me. ???

827Aug

I agree; you are getting the short end of the stick. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. What does your therapist have to say about the one-sided marriage? Do you think your wife is still seeing someone else?

You might find "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman to be helpful at this point. I see from your post you are having a hard time finding your wife's love language. I believe the book will help you there. Maybe your wife will also read it.

Hang in there!

hkbaker

Thanks for the reply, I will look into that book. I don't think she is seeing someone else, but after all the repeated lies, who knows?

We see an Imago Therapist and he says that I need to keep working the program to provide a "safe place" for her. Where's my safe place?

She says, don't take it personal, it's not you, it's me. I'm still trying to figure out how to not take it personal the fact she does NOT want to have sex with me after sleeping with OM. Doesn't get more personal that that IMO.

Looks like I'm left standing all alone with my pud in my hand, again.

Eli-Zor

Get your wife onto the Marriage Builders programme there are explicit steps for her to follow , if she is serious about your marriage she should be moving mountains to save your relationship.

Start back tracking the monies and taking control of the finances, she may have a hidden account somewhere, find it and check where all the funds have gone.

You are in a rut get out of it and start fighting for you..

Start courting her as you did when you first went out,

hkbaker

Wow, great advice Eli, thanks so much. I will start implementing the 180 today.