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The OM/OW owe you nothing! yes, they do! here's why!

19K views 250 replies 50 participants last post by  russell28 
#1 · (Edited)
Some on TAM argue that exposure of or revenge on the POSOM/W is wrong, because they owe you nothing, it is all down to your WS. It's all the fault of your WS.

That is not true.

Let's use an analogy.

Let's suppose that you are a police officer dealing with a business where a member of staff has been suborned into helping a con artist steal millions of $£ from the business.

Imagine your anger when the boss refuses to prosecute the con man, but only wants to prosecute his/her member of staff because "The con man owes me nothing but my employee is under contract to me so I will only prosecute them! "

It would be an utterly mad decision, as mad as punishing your WS but NOT punishing the POSOM/W!
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#169 ·
I can take on board the xOW in my situation doesn’t owe me anything. After all, my WS is the one who took vows with me 20+ years ago and had an affair with his coworker who was fully aware of my existence. I can live with that summary of my situation.

There are two sides to every coin. As the BS who isn’t owed anything by the co-worker who my WS allowed to trespass on our marriage, the xOW had balls enough to make a few desperate requests of me on dday. “Please don’t tell my fiance’ about any of this, I’m begging you. He’ll kick me out of the house and I won’t have anywhere to go. “ Oops, too late. Because WS and xOW used to work together, another of her ridiculous pleas was for me to refrain from telling their boss and HR department. Well would you look at that, already too late to refrain from doing that exposure too.

xOW wanted to be let off the hook so she could scatter like a ****roach in the bright morning light. Funny thing is, I found myself quite unwilling to grant her requests for anonymity. In fact, it was too late for that even if I had been dumb enough to consider the requests of this particular coward.

I blame my WS for his decision to have the affair but she isn’t blameless and nor should she be.

But good enough, the xOW doesn’t owe me a thing. Yet affair partners who casually throw those kind of statements around about not owing the BS anything, I didn’t take vows with them, yada yada – these folks should consider the BS they are helping to trample on from another perspective. After dday, the BS doesn’t owe them (AP or WS) a d*mn thing either, so they ought not to get their panties/boxers in a bunch when their world changes as a result of their own selfish actions and subsequent consequences.
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#172 ·
I can take on board the xOW in my situation doesn’t owe me anything. After all, my WS is the one who took vows with me 20+ years ago and had an affair with his coworker who was fully aware of my existence. I can live with that summary of my situation.
She doesn't owe you the common decency to leave your marriage and husband alone? She doesn't owe you the respect not to trespass into your marriage? lol

No wonder people keep getting betrayed with value systems like yours!

Just because someone didn't VOW to you explicitly does NOT mean they don't owe you respect, dignity, and some decency for heaven sakes! lol

Get some self respect and stand up for yourself.

If someone knowingly trespasses into your marriage you don't just roll over and decide "well, it's not her fault... she can do what she likes... "

People have the right to freedom in this country, but the RIDER on that is that they do NOT have the RIGHT to INTERFERE with someone ELSE doing the SAME.

You are only free insofar as you don't interfere with others.

I'd say an illegitimate, secret, trespass into the marriage is interfering and overstepping one's freedom.

You can roll over and allow it if you want, but I'd say you are just allowing yourself to be a doormat to this woman.
 
#175 ·
If I know a woman is married, I give her husband the respect that I would want, even though I don't know him. I would hope other men would do the same for me, but that's not the reality of the world. For every guy that would care about somebody they don't know, there are a dozen that don't care.. Once they get the justification ball rolling, with help from the wayward spouse telling stories of how the husband is a monster, if they fall for that they are mentally weak. So I guess I'm saying the world is full of mentally weak people.. it reminds me of the beginning of the movie Idiocracy...
 
#177 ·
If I know a woman is married, I give her husband the respect that I would want, even though I don't know him. I would hope other men would do the same for me, but that's not the reality of the world.
I'm the same by default.

So I guess I'm saying the world is full of mentally weak people.. it reminds me of the beginning of the movie Idiocracy...
Disagreed. Try to remember the BS, who actually lives with this WS and has known them for years, believed the stories and lies and actually think they faithful; even sometimes after things start looking really, really bad that it's not.. And you expect someone who barely knows them to not fall for it? It's not mentally weak. It's often a lack of factual or incomplete information that you use as a basis for choices.
 
#181 ·
Marriage doesn't guarantee or have a requirement of sex. If you think that being married means there is some expectation of sex then it is just as fair to expect that others would treat one with respect and dignity. Sex in M is unfortunately a choice and no guarantee of such is anywhere granted within a M just as has been stated about human decency being granted. If the spouse is being denied sex then leave the M and pursue a new relationship and M with someone else instead of cheating. Two wrongs don't make a right and the choice to betray still makes the BS a victim whether you believe so or not. There is no justification to cheating and infidelity. None.
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#184 · (Edited)
We live in a world where it is OK to destroy anything and everything in the pursuit of happiness. A large number of people care not whom they hurt and have been taught that it is OK to have a mass of victims behind them on the path as long as they get what they want in the end (Even if that want is just a temporary thing). This is a sad fact I realized a while ago.
 
#188 ·
Wrong again. Maybe in your fantasy world, but in the real world it is the crime of adultery. It is still against the law in lots of states but most don't prosecute it. Whether they do prosecute or not, it is against the law. There is no law of performance though in any state (no matter the expectation, just like the expectation of decency by others) and if one tries to force that sexual expectation then they can be prosecuted for rape. Yes it might seem like a double standard in effect but it is that way like it or not or "feel" good about it.
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#194 ·
Racer, I don't get why those women would want to hurt her. I understand they felt bad for you, but why wanting to hurt your wife?

I think when there is an affair, both spouses are hurting. Or will be.

Don't really understand why those women would want to get involved. Sounds dangerous.
 
#196 ·
Racer, I don't get why those women would want to hurt her. I understand they felt bad for you, but why wanting to hurt your wife?
I think when there is an affair, both spouses are hurting. Or will be.
Don't really understand why those women would want to get involved. Sounds dangerous.
Betrayed wives... How do you think most betrayed react to a particularly unremorseful wayward?

And my wife wasn't hurting at that time... she was still eating cake, ripping me down, and justifying herself. And I was a doormat and complete wreck. So, it sort of pissed them off on a core level of what she'd done to me over the years; They knew me 'before her' and saw pieces of that man still trying to break out. Was actually good talking to them because just sharing the old stories and shared adventures helped remind me how far I'd sank trying to appease that broken soul I called my wife....
 
#199 ·
The argument over why the BS blame the AP has been going on forever. My FHW had a long distance cyber affair 17 years ago. I went on relationship boards and was told by the APs that I should on ly blame my WH not them (as a group)

3 years ago my FHW did it again. On this very website there was someone posting things like "Why is the BW blaming and planning revenge on the OW, your WH is the only one who made vows to you" etc.

I foolishly got into that ridiculous argument for a few posts before I realized this was just someone trying to rile up the BSs and see what happened.
Basically I would say blaming the WS and blaming the AP for the A is not mutually exclusive. Both are wrong for similar AND different reasons, but still wrong. The WS broke the vows, the AP broke common decency and, if you're religious, a few commandments along the way as well.

With the first OW 17 years ago , when nothing else was breaking the spell she had on my WH, I contacted her and asked her to PLEASE stop pursuing him. She told me not to talk to her, to talk to my WH. I told her I was talking to her as a person and as a Mom (she had a daughter) I told her there were two young boys here to think about ( my sons) She did not care. Finally my WH broke it off and went no contact, changing email,screennames, blocking her (she found him and told him not to block her). Did I blame her? Hell yes! Did I blame my WH , of course! Both were wrong.

I will never think of them as innocent women who just got sucked into an affair. They were just as guilty and selfish as he was.
 
#200 ·
Since none of the Neville Chamberlain crowd are stepping forward to say they would expect all to follow their thinking, I'm going to assume that we of the Churchill crowd should continue to feel good about giving the OM/OW all the pain and living Hades we can throw their way.

It just feels so right. Freedom of choice, eh?

Yes, I'm indebted to the Brits for providing such clear role models.
 
#208 ·
Another thought is how my wife became a sneak and a liar.

I know OM taught her a lot of the sneaking around. She learned how to go to work, call me , leave , see him, go back to work , call me then come home.

She learned how to check into her hotel while on a trip, use the concierge phone to call him and meet him somewhere else.

It's unbelievable what he taught her.

But to this day she still does not believe that he's a womanizer and has more experience at this than anyone I have met.
 
#240 ·
I know OM taught her a lot of the sneaking around. She learned how to go to work, call me , leave , see him, go back to work , call me then come home.

She learned how to check into her hotel while on a trip, use the concierge phone to call him and meet him somewhere else.

It's unbelievable what he taught her.

But to this day she still does not believe that he's a womanizer and has more experience at this than anyone I have met.
As a former professor I realized early on you can only teach what someone is willing to learn.

What seems to be missing when talking about the punishment due the POSOM/OW is that your spouse is likely the POSOM/OW to someone.
 
#212 ·
"Any mature person should recognize you don't do those things."

I completely concur. And all people should exercise regularly, maintain a healthy weight, use good manners at all times, drive prudently, there should be no wars, no hungry kids, no divorce, etc, etc.

In the real world, people are imperfect. In a previous marriage, my wife had an affair..in my own home. Being an investigator, it took me about half a second to identify the guy. I paid him a visit with all these intentions of extracting him from the realm of the living. I found out she had told him we were separated and divorcing (neither was true at the time). Giving the same information, almost every single male at Ft Bragg would have nailed her. I can't kill every man on Ft Bragg and even if I could, I'd still be married to a cheating, lying bat. I put the responsibility for the affair squarely where it belonged..on her cheating shoulders. We are no longer married and she has continued to play her cheating games with every man she has hooked up with since. She was my problem, not the dude.
 
#213 ·
I'm not sure I'd believe him anymore than your WW.. but it's pretty common for cheaters to claim to be separated, I would think if I was going to sleep with someone, I might want to verify that and not just take the word for it. I'd want to know how, same house? Different rooms? If so, I'd want to talk to the spouse about it.. make sure I'm not being lied to. I don't think I could sleep with someone that was living in the same house as the spouse.. even if claiming to be separated, I just wouldn't buy it without more than a word from someone that's married. It's just too easy..

So I guess your point is that the world is full of naive people as well as shady people... could be you, could be him... someone is being played. You give them a pass for falling for bullcrap that's fed from your WS, because men are weak and women are pretty and have boobies.... it's distracting, they say they are separated, that's good enough for most.
 
#219 ·
It improved my life because I know the scumbag isn't living with his girlfriend anymore, using her money to buy him stuff, and her apartment to sleep with other guys wives. I know that living with his 84 year old mom will slow down his game, and I feel better that I helped his gf get out of a toxic relationship. I feel good that he doesn't feel that he got away with screwing my wife without paying any consequences. I feel good knowing that he knows I'm not afraid of him, that I know how to hunt him and his girlfriend down, that I could reach out to her just like he reached out to my wife. It showed my wife that I'm not someone that will sit back and take abuse once I become aware that someone is abusing me, and that improved my life greatly. It helped me to become alpha, and push him to beta status to use terms that are used here from time to time.. I helped his gf cause him pain since he helped my wife cause me pain. I helped show her who she was really with, like he helped show me who I was really with. I also became the alpha to his gf and he got pushed to beta status with her, also felt good.. because I saved her from wasting more of her life with the cheating scumbag. That felt good too... He f'd up his life, not me.. he chose to mess with my wife figuring he was safe to eat cake, and it worked for quite a while.. but eventually I made him choke on it. That felt good. Yea, it improved my life, I can recommend it.

Blow up the OM/OW's life if you can with honesty, cheaters hate honesty, it'll mess up their game and it makes you feel good.
 
#225 ·
Wow sounds like you're at the mercy of god.. he's going to make you a drunk and a drug addict, crazy and broke all in one year.. Sounds like a mean god.. perhaps you should try to put effort forth and not rely on god so much?

God helps those that help themselves.. in other words, god isn't micro managing your life. You need to put effort into not becoming a drug addict, not becoming a drunk, staying clear in the head as best as you can, try to keep a job... put forth effort, don't sit back and wait for god and to see what happens to you. Don't worry about and make excuses for why the sky will fall.. just build a solid roof, you can control that.
 
#235 ·
Let's suppose that you are a police officer dealing with a business where a member of staff has been suborned into helping a con artist steal millions of $£ from the business.

Imagine your anger when the boss refuses to prosecute the con man, but only wants to prosecute his/her member of staff because "The con man owes me nothing but my employee is under contract to me so I will only prosecute them! "

It would be an utterly mad decision, as mad as punishing your WS but NOT punishing the POSOM/W!
It would be nice if infidelity were an actual crime.

Are there any countries where infidelity, poaching on another household IS a crime?
 
#236 ·
Yes. Several countries it is still a punishable crime (some punishable by death), and several states in the US still have adultery crimes (although punishment for it is getting less and less) and those same states allow alienation of affection and criminal conversation lawsuits against the affair partner.
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#241 ·
Hmm... My H told her we were separated and going through a divorce. Well she believed, he goes home where she lives with mother. Like a perfect boyfriend.when I found out all hell broke loose. He hit me, and threatened to kill me if I told her the truth. He got arrested, both she and the mother came to the court and the the mum was heard saying, "he is like a son to me." I said nothing, I think out of both fear and shock. It's been 5 months now and she still does not know the truth, (or does she?) that he was never separated nor going through a divorce. But you know what, I am glad he is gone, and one day she will find out the truth. That she and him hurt two innocent kids. And life is karma.
 
#243 ·
Adultery is still a crime in many states, good luck ever finding a DA who would actually attempt to prosecute. Our court system would have to devote an entire court division just for trials. Of course divorce court would be much less busy. The OM in my mess has now been a part of seven divorces that I know of over the years, not including 2 of his own.

Does he owe me anything, yes but the only meaningful thing he could have done would have been to keep her around long enough for me to get the divorce done so I would be out alimony. That would have been a nice gesture. The clown has tried to apologize to me thru friends, I found this more insulting than anything.

I think half the reason divorces run so long is because the legal system knows full well the affairs will end long before the divorce will so drag it out for the alimony.
 
#244 ·
Adultery is still a crime in many states, good luck ever finding a DA who would actually attempt to prosecute. Our court system would have to devote an entire court division just for trials. Of course divorce court would be much less busy. The OM in my mess has now been a part of seven divorces that I know of over the years, not including 2 of his own.

Does he owe me anything, yes but the only meaningful thing he could have done would have been to keep her around long enough for me to get the divorce done so I would be out alimony. That would have been a nice gesture. The clown has tried to apologize to me thru friends, I found this more insulting than anything.

I think half the reason divorces run so long is because the legal system knows full well the affairs will end long before the divorce will so drag it out for the alimony.
And even better luck in finding enough state legislators in proceeding to extricate all of those old, useless, existing "archaic adultery statutes" out of their state lawbooks!
 
#250 ·
You think escort's don't know the person they are out with his married? lol

MOST third parties DO know the person they are with is married. And of those that dont', MANY suspect.

There ARE clues and there is odd behavior.

It does not take Sherlock Holmes to figure out someone's married. It just takes someone with enough self respect to investigate who they are screwing.
 
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