Anyone else been told this?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Anyone else been told this?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-01-2011, 08:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 67
Default Anyone else been told this?

While in marriage counseling trying to rebuild our marriage, the MC said something that shocked me. He said that 65% of all men will cheat on their wives. He also said, that number is suspected to be higher on account that many men would never admit to cheating or think EAs is not cheating. it could be as high as 70+%!!!

Do you think that is true? It seems so high!!!

He went on to say women run at about 35-40%

I found this interesting in that it made me want to try and give my H a second chance, because he does seem authentic in his remorse for what he has done and he says he would never do anything like it again because he hated who he was while in the affair and he hated what he was doing to the family. It made me think that if I divorced him, I have 70% chance of finding someone else who would cheat on me again. Why not give a chance to someone who seems to understand his remorse.

My question that I forgot to ask the MC is...How many men cheat a second time?

Your thoughts....?
pacmouse is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-01-2011, 08:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 165
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

wow been married 14 years been with her 23 never once have I cheated ,now her on the other hand???!!!
gregj123 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2011, 08:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 9,179
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

I never cheated on the W, but I do want to comment on staying with my DS.

I read that staying with your DS with changed behaviors was like being in a new marriage with the same person. You spend so many years in a troubled marraige and eventualy a spouse will cheat. Well if BOTH spouses change there behaviors for a better marriage, then the DS wouldn't need to cheat b/c the affair was the end result of a problematice marriage.

I'm sure ther are some cases when the LS did every thing right and the DS just has a bad chacter flaw. But I believe its rear that a spouse has nothing missing in there marraige and goes off and cheats and that causes the problem in the marriage. I think in most cases there is something missing/ problem in the marraige that causes infidelity.

For me I would rather be in the same marrige with changed behaviors then being in a new/different marraige with the same old bhaviors that will create the same issues I had in my 1st marriage.

I hope this makes sence, I can't spell for sh*t:-)
the guy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2011, 09:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Atholk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,429
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Cheating is very high in both men and women. It's only a very small number of marriages that never have some sort of an EA or PA in them.
__________________
The Mindful Attraction Plan
Atholk is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2011, 10:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
notreadytoquit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 885
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

I have read some similar statistics like what the OP has given. I am sure that the ones that never admit or never get caught would contribute to higher percentages. Plus we don't know if those numbers include people in live in/common law relationships.
__________________
The karma for screwing over a good girl is the b!tch you end up with
notreadytoquit is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 10:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,215
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Sounds right to me!! Look around how many people do you see married after 10 years? If you look at my 8 closest neighbors 6 are divorced!!
OhGeesh is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 10:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 232
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

I've read most popular books on infidelity. Some report the numbers as high as 80 percent! They've never been clear on what constitutes "cheating". Is a lap dance with a "reach-around" considered cheating? How about a kiss and quickly ending things before it progressed? One nite stand and not a continuing affair?

I think alot depends on what the individual defines as "infidelity".
Workingitout is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 10:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 212
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
I never cheated on the W, but I do want to comment on staying with my DS.

I read that staying with your DS with changed behaviors was like being in a new marriage with the same person. You spend so many years in a troubled marraige and eventualy a spouse will cheat. Well if BOTH spouses change there behaviors for a better marriage, then the DS wouldn't need to cheat b/c the affair was the end result of a problematice marriage.

I'm sure ther are some cases when the LS did every thing right and the DS just has a bad chacter flaw. But I believe its rear that a spouse has nothing missing in there marraige and goes off and cheats and that causes the problem in the marriage. I think in most cases there is something missing/ problem in the marraige that causes infidelity.

For me I would rather be in the same marrige with changed behaviors then being in a new/different marraige with the same old bhaviors that will create the same issues I had in my 1st marriage.

I hope this makes sence, I can't spell for sh*t:-)
Can't agree more with what you said. (bad spelling and all! lol) Very glad I stayed and we BOTH fixed what was wrong in the marriage.
mommy2 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 12:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
notreadytoquit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 885
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2 View Post
Can't agree more with what you said. (bad spelling and all! lol) Very glad I stayed and we BOTH fixed what was wrong in the marriage.
better the devil you know than the devil you don't know
__________________
The karma for screwing over a good girl is the b!tch you end up with
notreadytoquit is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 03:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 31
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhGeesh View Post
Sounds right to me!! Look around how many people do you see married after 10 years? If you look at my 8 closest neighbors 6 are divorced!!
Funny you should say that. it will be 8 1/2 for me, and I'm just about to file for divorce
englishguy80 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 03:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 31
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

And yes, I've never cheated on her and she has cheated on me at least once.
englishguy80 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 04:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
MissMoneypenny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 25
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

pacmouse... it's funny that you should mention this. I used to be in an interesting job a few years back that allowed me to have open conversations with guys in general. I actually investigated this area for 6 years. My research showed around 90% of married men cheated on their wives. I only looked into married men and not people who were living together. My research also focused quite a bit on business men who tended to travel for work reasons.

The ones who travelled cheated with more women but on a short term basis. The ones who didn't travel cheated with less women but for a longer term. One common factor unfortunately was that once a cheater always a cheater. The guys I asked always cheated again. That is definitely a question you should have asked BIG TIME!

When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.

I asked them how they would feel if the wife cheated on them, and they were all adamant that it would NEVER happen (some men are just bizarre!), but that if it did they would be very hurt by it.

I found the whole experience enlightening but, as you can imagine, disappointing. I've never been told about numbers or estimates by anyone, but my own experience is quite an eye opener.

Having said all that, it is still not an excuse to cheat! Just because 80-90% of men cheat does not mean you sould just grin and bare it - that's not the way to go. We are all attracted to other people in one form or another, but that does not mean we need to act on it each time. That would mean that we should have one night stands left, right and centre and have heterosexual, bisexual or homesexual experiences! Where does it stop? Where is the value of quality over quantity. It's all a matter of perspective and respect.

In the end I suppose, it depends on how much you can put up with. Can you put up with the thought of him/her having cheated on you? Can you put up with the thought that it 'might' happen again - then what?

Personally, I'd wait for that golden 10-30% that's round the corner, of course, even then there's no guarantee it'll be a 100% perfect relationship, but to me it's a hugely important factor. Is that element in a relationship just as important to you?
MissMoneypenny is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 04:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
MissMoneypenny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 25
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMoneypenny View Post
When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.
That should say that "it wouldn't HURT them"... sorry!
MissMoneypenny is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 09:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 67
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMoneypenny View Post
pacmouse... it's funny that you should mention this. I used to be in an interesting job a few years back that allowed me to have open conversations with guys in general. I actually investigated this area for 6 years. My research showed around 90% of married men cheated on their wives. I only looked into married men and not people who were living together. My research also focused quite a bit on business men who tended to travel for work reasons.

The ones who travelled cheated with more women but on a short term basis. The ones who didn't travel cheated with less women but for a longer term. One common factor unfortunately was that once a cheater always a cheater. The guys I asked always cheated again. That is definitely a question you should have asked BIG TIME!

When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.

I asked them how they would feel if the wife cheated on them, and they were all adamant that it would NEVER happen (some men are just bizarre!), but that if it did they would be very hurt by it.

I found the whole experience enlightening but, as you can imagine, disappointing. I've never been told about numbers or estimates by anyone, but my own experience is quite an eye opener.

Having said all that, it is still not an excuse to cheat! Just because 80-90% of men cheat does not mean you sould just grin and bare it - that's not the way to go. We are all attracted to other people in one form or another, but that does not mean we need to act on it each time. That would mean that we should have one night stands left, right and centre and have heterosexual, bisexual or homesexual experiences! Where does it stop? Where is the value of quality over quantity. It's all a matter of perspective and respect.

In the end I suppose, it depends on how much you can put up with. Can you put up with the thought of him/her having cheated on you? Can you put up with the thought that it 'might' happen again - then what?

Personally, I'd wait for that golden 10-30% that's round the corner, of course, even then there's no guarantee it'll be a 100% perfect relationship, but to me it's a hugely important factor. Is that element in a relationship just as important to you?
Yikes!!! 90%!!! Why get married....
pacmouse is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 10:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Death Star
Posts: 170
Default Re: Anyone else been told this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pacmouse View Post
Yikes!!! 90%!!! Why get married....
The incredible sex? What? Someone had to say it! Ok, J/K

But, seriously, 90%?!
Darth Vader is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Would you believe something H told me... highwood Coping with Infidelity 16 05-24-2012 01:17 PM
ok so she told me.. capacity83 The Ladies' Lounge 2 02-18-2012 06:17 PM
Here is what she has told me Bodhitree Coping with Infidelity 17 01-23-2012 12:39 PM
I told him Anonny123 Considering Divorce or Separation 4 12-06-2010 02:56 PM
I told him IT'S OVER Anonny123 Coping with Infidelity 2 12-02-2010 11:56 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:56 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.