While in marriage counseling trying to rebuild our marriage, the MC said something that shocked me. He said that 65% of all men will cheat on their wives. He also said, that number is suspected to be higher on account that many men would never admit to cheating or think EAs is not cheating. it could be as high as 70+%!!!
Do you think that is true? It seems so high!!!
He went on to say women run at about 35-40%
I found this interesting in that it made me want to try and give my H a second chance, because he does seem authentic in his remorse for what he has done and he says he would never do anything like it again because he hated who he was while in the affair and he hated what he was doing to the family. It made me think that if I divorced him, I have 70% chance of finding someone else who would cheat on me again. Why not give a chance to someone who seems to understand his remorse.
My question that I forgot to ask the MC is...How many men cheat a second time?
I never cheated on the W, but I do want to comment on staying with my DS.
I read that staying with your DS with changed behaviors was like being in a new marriage with the same person. You spend so many years in a troubled marraige and eventualy a spouse will cheat. Well if BOTH spouses change there behaviors for a better marriage, then the DS wouldn't need to cheat b/c the affair was the end result of a problematice marriage.
I'm sure ther are some cases when the LS did every thing right and the DS just has a bad chacter flaw. But I believe its rear that a spouse has nothing missing in there marraige and goes off and cheats and that causes the problem in the marriage. I think in most cases there is something missing/ problem in the marraige that causes infidelity.
For me I would rather be in the same marrige with changed behaviors then being in a new/different marraige with the same old bhaviors that will create the same issues I had in my 1st marriage.
I hope this makes sence, I can't spell for sh*t:-)
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I have read some similar statistics like what the OP has given. I am sure that the ones that never admit or never get caught would contribute to higher percentages. Plus we don't know if those numbers include people in live in/common law relationships.
I've read most popular books on infidelity. Some report the numbers as high as 80 percent! They've never been clear on what constitutes "cheating". Is a lap dance with a "reach-around" considered cheating? How about a kiss and quickly ending things before it progressed? One nite stand and not a continuing affair?
I think alot depends on what the individual defines as "infidelity".
I never cheated on the W, but I do want to comment on staying with my DS.
I read that staying with your DS with changed behaviors was like being in a new marriage with the same person. You spend so many years in a troubled marraige and eventualy a spouse will cheat. Well if BOTH spouses change there behaviors for a better marriage, then the DS wouldn't need to cheat b/c the affair was the end result of a problematice marriage.
I'm sure ther are some cases when the LS did every thing right and the DS just has a bad chacter flaw. But I believe its rear that a spouse has nothing missing in there marraige and goes off and cheats and that causes the problem in the marriage. I think in most cases there is something missing/ problem in the marraige that causes infidelity.
For me I would rather be in the same marrige with changed behaviors then being in a new/different marraige with the same old bhaviors that will create the same issues I had in my 1st marriage.
I hope this makes sence, I can't spell for sh*t:-)
Can't agree more with what you said. (bad spelling and all! lol) Very glad I stayed and we BOTH fixed what was wrong in the marriage.
pacmouse... it's funny that you should mention this. I used to be in an interesting job a few years back that allowed me to have open conversations with guys in general. I actually investigated this area for 6 years. My research showed around 90% of married men cheated on their wives. I only looked into married men and not people who were living together. My research also focused quite a bit on business men who tended to travel for work reasons.
The ones who travelled cheated with more women but on a short term basis. The ones who didn't travel cheated with less women but for a longer term. One common factor unfortunately was that once a cheater always a cheater. The guys I asked always cheated again. That is definitely a question you should have asked BIG TIME!
When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.
I asked them how they would feel if the wife cheated on them, and they were all adamant that it would NEVER happen (some men are just bizarre!), but that if it did they would be very hurt by it.
I found the whole experience enlightening but, as you can imagine, disappointing. I've never been told about numbers or estimates by anyone, but my own experience is quite an eye opener.
Having said all that, it is still not an excuse to cheat! Just because 80-90% of men cheat does not mean you sould just grin and bare it - that's not the way to go. We are all attracted to other people in one form or another, but that does not mean we need to act on it each time. That would mean that we should have one night stands left, right and centre and have heterosexual, bisexual or homesexual experiences! Where does it stop? Where is the value of quality over quantity. It's all a matter of perspective and respect.
In the end I suppose, it depends on how much you can put up with. Can you put up with the thought of him/her having cheated on you? Can you put up with the thought that it 'might' happen again - then what?
Personally, I'd wait for that golden 10-30% that's round the corner, of course, even then there's no guarantee it'll be a 100% perfect relationship, but to me it's a hugely important factor. Is that element in a relationship just as important to you?
When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.
That should say that "it wouldn't HURT them"... sorry!
pacmouse... it's funny that you should mention this. I used to be in an interesting job a few years back that allowed me to have open conversations with guys in general. I actually investigated this area for 6 years. My research showed around 90% of married men cheated on their wives. I only looked into married men and not people who were living together. My research also focused quite a bit on business men who tended to travel for work reasons.
The ones who travelled cheated with more women but on a short term basis. The ones who didn't travel cheated with less women but for a longer term. One common factor unfortunately was that once a cheater always a cheater. The guys I asked always cheated again. That is definitely a question you should have asked BIG TIME!
When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.
I asked them how they would feel if the wife cheated on them, and they were all adamant that it would NEVER happen (some men are just bizarre!), but that if it did they would be very hurt by it.
I found the whole experience enlightening but, as you can imagine, disappointing. I've never been told about numbers or estimates by anyone, but my own experience is quite an eye opener.
Having said all that, it is still not an excuse to cheat! Just because 80-90% of men cheat does not mean you sould just grin and bare it - that's not the way to go. We are all attracted to other people in one form or another, but that does not mean we need to act on it each time. That would mean that we should have one night stands left, right and centre and have heterosexual, bisexual or homesexual experiences! Where does it stop? Where is the value of quality over quantity. It's all a matter of perspective and respect.
In the end I suppose, it depends on how much you can put up with. Can you put up with the thought of him/her having cheated on you? Can you put up with the thought that it 'might' happen again - then what?
Personally, I'd wait for that golden 10-30% that's round the corner, of course, even then there's no guarantee it'll be a 100% perfect relationship, but to me it's a hugely important factor. Is that element in a relationship just as important to you?
Anyone else been told this? 
Can't agree more with what you said. (bad spelling and all! lol) Very glad I stayed and we BOTH fixed what was wrong in the marriage.
