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Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?

65K views 285 replies 77 participants last post by  Machiavelli 
#1 ·
He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
What do you guys think?
 
#46 ·
I like the note from another town thing. Good idea.

Then ditch your friend after the flames start to be about 12 feet high. But if you want to cover your tracks, wait a little before you distance yourself, lest she think you're the snitch. Which you are, but it sounds like you don't want to be, or don't want to be found out.

Thus my advice to you, based on your input.
 
#47 · (Edited)
If you can't meet or talk, perhaps a gentle email and the link to this thread...

Who cares about being a snitch, that will be the last of her concerns... The guilty will always blame the innocent. It's called blameshifting.
 
#51 ·
If you want to do it in secrecy and hide your identity the main problem might be that you are the only one she has told.

If so, what about writing him a letter as one of the OM?

"I'm very sorry, blah blah can't live with what I did thought it only right that you should know."
 
#53 ·
Crazy question, you and your husband weren't having troubles around the sametime were you ? Even if it were months later..

You sure she is not doing some reverse psychology on you and maybe, just maybe your hubby ended up being one of those 5 guys ?

Sorry just the trust no one mentality of mine creeping out.
 
#54 ·
Crazy question, you and your husband weren't having troubles around the sametime were you ?
I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, I'm new here, but I just wanted a man's POV on this.

H has been emotionally abusive to me for a while now and had a bad lying problem
, so we went to marriage counseling. It has been helping some but I just couldn't take his emotional abuse so I left. One of the things he told me was "You can have a guilt free pass because I trust you. Just come back as the woman I loved." Well, I wasn't strong enough to go through with it. I called him back three hours later and called it off. We were fine and went to marriage counseling and things seemed better. He agreed to work on things and said he hadn't lied in a while. Well, that night he started getting emotionally abusive and I told him that I wasn't going to put up with it. He apologized that night and the next morning.

When he came home from work, he was like "if you're unhappy, we can separate." Then he told me his grievances with me, which was that I was too sensitive, I didn't clean enough, that *I'm* mentally abusive, and that I'm only with him for his money (he's talking about him being the only one who works). I told him the reason I didn't clean as much is because I take care of our 10 month old daughter, and that I could not agree to change the last two since they are false. He said "Okay then we can't work things out" and we separated. THEN he told me I could date other men if I wanted. He said he wouldn't be dating, just working.
I'd be telling the Husband about his cheating wife, then I'd be asking her if it could be your husband's child if I were you.
 
#58 ·
So he has a 1 in 6 chance of being the dad. I guess the thought of using a condom with her multiple partners just seemed silly at the time...

You absolutely tell him.

If you give her a chance to do it. She will make you look like as big a fool as possible as she tries to divert attention from her actions.

Just tell him. I'd want to know. I would expect he would as well. It is his decision from there.

Oh- find a new friend. If she'll do this to her husband and children- you can bet the bank that she'll screw you over without so much as a second thought if she had anything to gain. This is not a person you want in your life.

Good luck
WD
 
#79 ·
So he has a 1 in 6 chance of being the dad. I guess the thought of using a condom with her multiple partners just seemed silly at the time...
well those condom things are SO EXPENSIVE! Don't want to waste one!
 
#60 ·
It's not really your business. It's their marriage.

You know the old saying about shooting the messenger. It would be nasty. She will accuse you of wanting her husband (do you?) He will accuse you of keeping her secret for a year. Both of them will be upset at you, when they should be upset with themselves. Apparently they were already having problems. Your friend is some kind of nutcase having unprotected sex with that many guys during a separation. Collateral children is the least of their worries. In any case, his name is on the birth certificate, they are married. Unless they are wealthy good luck putting the kid back even with paperwork. She would have to co-parent with one of her sex partners. How will that be helpful in their marriage? They are toast one way or the other. Let chips fall where they may.
 
#63 ·
All of this...



...is effectively addressed w/ this...

Yes, because real life is just like high school. LOL.

Honestly, you should probably be more concerned with the notion that your husband was one of the five. Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant or insensitive.

Seriously, though, tell her husband what's up and then cut this toxic b*tch out of your life.
Seriously, tell the guy. He may be pissed w/ you for a while but so f*cking what? I can promise you that he'll eventually get over any anger that he initially feels toward you. And actually, it probably won't even take him that long. In the end you'll have saved him a lifetime wasted loving, raising, and providing for another man's child. And if not, then at least he's been given the information that he needs in order to make an informed decision about where his time, money, and love would be best spent.
 
#61 ·
Just call him on the phone and tell him. Get right to the point, write down an outline of what you want to say, the way you described it in your post is fine.

It's the right thing to do.

Somebody gets struck by a hit-and-run driver and you're the only one around, do you call the police or say "it's none of my business."

I never understood "it's none of my business."

Isn't that just an expression people use to keep from doing the right thing?

Who gets to decide who's business it is?
 
#67 ·
I would feel morally obligated to tell..but she also deserves to know you're going to tell. This gives her a chance to do the right thing by her kids and by him.
She's had a ton of chances... well over a year's worth of them.

OP, if you're going to call him, make sure that you write down everything that you have to say so that you can stay on point. Consider following up w/ an e-mail as well.
 
#68 ·
The messenger will "get shot" but who cares.

It sounds like you don't like her very much and you will be doing the father and child a huge favor.

I sure would want someone to tell me.

He may not believe you at first and they both May bond together and turn against you but you will get him thinking. I would also send him here to TAM/ CWI.
 
#69 ·
OMG. So. I just found out he is going to be taking summer classes starting Tuesday of next week. I live on campus in the apartments. This is perfect.

So...should I just text him one day when he goes to school and be like..."Hey, will you meet me in the library after you get out of class? I had to talk to you about something." Should I tell him it's school-related or his W related?

Also...regarding my husband...he might be cheating, not sure about him cheating with her though. Someone on here asked if her and her H separated while me and mine were having issues. We have always had issues, lol. He's always been doing something behind my back. They hate each other now though, for some reason. It kinda started while me and her became friends. It's weird. They seemed like super good friends before. She always commented on his stuff asking about our baby. Now, she tells me that she was just interested in me. Which is WEIRD because we weren't even that good of friends (I attended their school during middle school then moved.) In fact, it was the first time we met up that she told me she was pregnant and she hadn't told anyone else, not her own parents or best friend. What the freak is up with that? She said she trusted me all of a sudden. Well, fast forward about six months into our friendship, H and I started having really bad troubles and my friend is like "Look, I know he is cheating on you. It's obvious." I ended up telling H she said that to see if it was true and he got SUPER pissed. Really, really pissed. He's hated her ever since. I mean HATED her. It fueled the fire more when I told him she said he wasn't that popular in high school and nobody liked him. He always says that he would love to just reveal to her H himself that she cheated. He's always ripping at her for cheating on him too. They really hate each other now.

I'm not sure what happened.
 
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#73 ·
Also, to add to what I said before, H is always worried/upset when I tell him I'm going to her house. He doesn't like it at all. He wants me to end my friendship with her. Now that I write all of this out...it makes me feel like something did happen...she was super nice to me to get to my H....something happened....she told me because he ended it or something like that but didn't say it was her so i would stay her friend...but still thinks i should leave him....he's always worried when i go over there and wants me to end the friendship because he's afraid I'll find out that it's true and that it was her.

Am I being overly paranoid?
 
#75 ·
Am I being overly paranoid?
Hmm... Hard to say. Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if, once you tell her husband that a) she cheated (a lot!) and b) the kid likely isn't his, he winds up having something to say to you about your husband as well.
 
#83 ·
"Of course, there will be repercussions. But then again, there are always repercussions for doing the right thing."

Very true.

I think its odd though that people only consider 'repercussions' to be associated with telling the truth.

I consider not telling to have 'repercussions' too...being in that you are playing a role in forcing an innocent person to live a lie and participating in deceiving him/her.
 
#89 ·
If your husband is 1 of the 5, which is possible but seems like a stretch, you will find out for sure by outing her. That is a bonus from my perspective.

Maybe your h is 1 of the 5. Maybe something happened in highschool between them and you don't know the details. Either way if your h really does know her maybe he knows she is a toxic friend and that could also be why he wants your friendship with her to end.

Either way she doesn't sound like a quality person that is worth your time and investment to continue the friendship.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#95 ·
Honey, I know you are young but have you considered life with a little bit less drama. You know there are a lot of other less selfish people with different hobbies and higher moral values ?

This whole story smells like cheap soap opera. It's full of deceit ... main characters are manipulative liars who hate and offend each other behind their backs.

I always thought college should be great experience where you meet smart people who have common goals (like to make this world better place) and become friends.

Apologies if the above sounded offensive to you.

Bottom line : you deserve better friends and happier life.
 
#96 ·
I've watched my DD23 evolve after leaving high school. She moved away to university. She changed...a LOT. None of her friends stayed gone longer than one year (and that was only one; two stayed gone a semester; none of the others even left our little community).

She tells me everything about everything and it's been fascinating to watch all these people. Five years later, she is leagues ahead of all of them in terms of maturity, seeing a bigger picture, seeing there are options out there, seeing you don't have to do what other people say or act like other people act...it's just a whole different world. We talk a lot about friendships, when to give them up, when to stay in them, how high school friends were just friends of convenience (or being stuck in the same place) and how once you're out of high school/college, you can start making new paths and new friends.

Even now, there's still a lot of immaturity, her included, five years after high school. It's a process. Hopefully, people will open their eyes enough to see they can make new, better choices and not be stuck acting like a high schooler. You coming here says you probably will. They probably won't.
 
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