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Should I tell my friend's husband that she cheated on him?

65K views 285 replies 77 participants last post by  Machiavelli 
#1 ·
He believes that he is the only man she has ever been with. When they separated temporarily for a couple of months, she slept with 5 other guys and conceived a child. Her husband believes it is his child. She tells me it could be one of the other men's child but she thinks it is her husband's because shes says the child looks like him. I know that her husband is suspicious because she told me he has asked her if their two children are his. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe she'll end up telling him" but it's been a year and she still hasn't told him, and she says she never plans on telling him that she slept with these other men because it's not a big deal to her.
I've just been feeling really guilty for not telling him. He's also my friend and he has been so nice to me. A large part of me says it's none of my business. But another part says that if it were me, I would want to know.
What do you guys think?
 
#169 ·
Dear goodness gracious, you guys.

So, he texted me at about four this afternoon, saying "we are at the college now".
I'm thinking. WE?????
Yes, he brought her with him!
I had to figure out how I was going to work this one out. I texted him and asked if she was going to wait outside while we talked inside. My H was like "this is a bad idea, just back out now" but I was set on telling him the truth and getting it over with (I have been worrying over this SO much, you guys have no idea.) I told him I would be okay.

Well, I went to the library. Him, her, and their two kids were there. THEN she said, "You ready to go into the library, you guys?" She was going to go in there as well! Thankfully, for a moment she had to fetch the older child, so I whispered to him, "Can we talk alone?" He got the message and asked her to stay outside, saying we wouldn't be long. She agreed.

So, I designated a study room for us to talk in & everything. As soon as we went in, I said "This is about your W." He chuckled, as if he expected it. He said "I figured since you wouldn't tell me what you needed help with." I sat there and was like "please wait until later to tell her. I just really feel the need to tell you this. She didn't tell you for a year and doesn't plan on it so I felt the need to tell you." (He was chuckling here and there this whole time....)

You guys, I was almost in tears at this point, I was so terrified to tell him. I was seriously choking out my words at this point. I almost cried but held it back.

"Your W slept with 5 guys while y'all were separated. She doesn't know if your child is yours or another guy's, but she thinks it's yours because 'he looks like you'." (Spend a few minutes explaining further what I know.)

He was kinda quiet, but then he said, "Yeah, a few other people have tried to tell me that she cheated (implying he didn't believe them). It's not a big deal if she did anyway, we were separated at the time. It's just a bunch of drama. But I mean, I'll bring it up to her tonight. And I know the child is mine. He looks like me, and it doesn't make sense for him to be the other guys' baby, I mean one of the guys is in the army and overseas" (he was seriously acting like I didn't know what I was talking about.)

I bursted his bubble by saying "No, actually, she slept with him, THEN he left to go to the army, I know because she was texting him at my house."

He was quiet after that then just said he would talk to her again tonight about it. It was really awkward, I was just kinda babbling at that point "Well I mean..I just thought I should tell you...I thought it was the right thing.." I ended up saying, "well, anyway, that's what I had to talk to you about." He told me that he would go ahead and leave and I could stay so I could look like I was actually studying.

A few hours later, she ended up texting me a nasty message, but I didn't read it, just deleted it and blocked her from my Facebook.

I feel pretty negative and dumb from the interaction. While I know his response was on the good side of what it could been, Ellegirl hit the nail on the head. He was totally embarrassed and in denial. I just want to know that I did the right thing, and I feel like I did.

I dunno, what do you guys think? Do you think that he won't believe me and I told him for no reason (I thought he would believe me since I was pretty much crying when I told him) or do you think he will end up blowing up at her later? I dunno. I just feel bleh about it. :/ H keeps reassuring me that I did the right thing, though. He says he's proud of me for doing it.
 
#174 ·
I feel pretty negative and dumb from the interaction. While I know his response was on the good side of what it could been, Ellegirl hit the nail on the head. He was totally embarrassed and in denial. I just want to know that I did the right thing, and I feel like I did.

I dunno, what do you guys think? Do you think that he won't believe me and I told him for no reason (I thought he would believe me since I was pretty much crying when I told him) or do you think he will end up blowing up at her later? I dunno. I just feel bleh about it. :/ H keeps reassuring me that I did the right thing, though. He says he's proud of me for doing it.
You DEFINITELY did the right thing. If he wants to live in denial that's not your problem. You gave him the information. You are in the clear. What he chooses to do with it is up to him. You can hold your head up high. Sometimes (as you occasionally can see on this forum) BS's are in their own fantasy lands just like their WS's.... You can't save everybody. You lead a horse to the water but it's up to the horse to drink it.
 
#170 ·
I am a non-denominational Christian. I believe in God, the Bible, and that Jesus died for our sins.

As far as my H, we had a come to Jesus meeting (I don't mean that literal) and I let him know that the abuse will continue no longer or he can leave my apartment that MY school provided for ME. MC has really helped, and he has not lied (to my knowledge) or done one emotionally abusive thing. As soon as he does, he can leave. I won't divorce him, but I won't reside with someone who treats me that way.
 
#172 ·
I am a non-denominational Christian. I believe in God, the Bible, and that Jesus died for our sins.

As far as my H, we had a come to Jesus meeting (I don't mean that literal) and I let him know that the abuse will continue no longer or he can leave my apartment that MY school provided for ME. MC has really helped, and he has not lied (to my knowledge) or done one emotionally abusive thing. As soon as he does, he can leave. I won't divorce him, but I won't reside with someone who treats me that way.
You should seriously rethink this. As long as he knows that you won't divorce him, regardless of what he does or doesn't do, he holds all of the power in your relationship.
 
#171 ·
You did the right thing. You told him what you knew, along w/ what you suspected might be true based on what his own wife told you. That she was so flippant in admitting her slorish behavior -- along w/ the very real possibility that her child was fathered by another man -- to you says a ton about her, and none of it is good.

What he does or doesn't do w/ that knowledge is up to him. He'd be stupid not to get a paternity test, though. Lots of guys have fallen back on the "Well, he/she looks just like me..." defense only to discover that they were so very wrong in the end. After all, for all he knows, one (or more) of the five other guys could have very well been his own brother/father/male cousin.

Now it's time for the next step... Cut this shamelessly slorish toxic b*tch out of your life for good.

Again, you did the right thing!
 
#181 ·
I completely agree that their relationship will never be the same. And it's probably for the best. She did it to her own marriage. I'm just glad he found out now rather than years and years down the road. I really hope that after he gets to thinking about it, he takes what I said to heart. I really put myself out there in order to tell him (with his wife within 100 yards).
 
#175 ·
You did a great job. Clear consciousness. Although I am always of the opinion it is none of my business. I have a friend who cheated on her boyfriend with our classmate. Now after cheating her new guy left the country and she is with her bf. She is all sweet with him. I feel sorry for him but it is none of my business. I am not the ethics police here.
 
#176 ·
If your boyfriend were cheating on you and your friend or your friend's boyfriend knew about it, wouldn't you want to be told?

What if her boyfriend were your brother? Would you say something then?

Either way, just make sure that you say something before wedding bells start to chime.
 
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#177 ·
You did the right thing.

Her BH is probably shocked and trying to process the full ramifications of your revelation.

You were obviously not the first to raise these issues with him, but he probably had rugswept them all after talking with his WW and just writing them off primarily to innuendo and rumor. She undoubtedly gaslighted and TT'd him hard, as his 'facts' about Army POS show.

Your info is no doubt making him question again what really went down.

And she sent you the nasty text because you have blown up her successful efforts to gaslight and TT her BH so she could remain in control of her M situation.

He is undoubtedly asking her questions now that are exposing all these lies and partial truths.
 
#183 ·
ariel_angel77,

You did the right thing. He is in denial.

If he ever contact you about this just advise him to get his children DNA tested. And then ask him to just leave you alone.

And now she is out of your life.

Just like you want your marriage to work, he wants his to work. He not only as the marriage to worry about but children who he wants in his life as much as possible.

There is a good chance that he really does not care if the child is his or not. There are men who accept a child who is not their bio-child. They have the capacity to love the child regardless. Maybe that's part of his issue.

I have a son who we adopted when he was 10 days old. He looks a lot like me. His (adopted) dad and I could never give him up from the first moment we saw him. This guy might be just like that.

You did what was right. Apparently others have told him as well. So you know that you do not stand alone in this concept of doing what is right.

I'm glad to hear that you are holding your boundaries with your husband. I do hope he will learn to treat you better.

ETA: Don't be surprised if your now ex-friend throws some hate your way. Be strong.
 
#187 ·
Right or wrong, it was what you thought was right and in my opinion, anything done with good intentions is the right thing to do.

It may not change anything other than you have 2 less friends in your circle, but in all reality, is this someone who you'd want to be friends with for long?

You don't have to answer that. It's done and for whatever reason, he didn't seem shocked. But you did what you thought was right so it wasn't done in vain.
 
#189 ·
Nice job Ariel- you did the right thing. Hold your head high.

We might not see eye to eye on religion, but say a prayer for your friends tonight - they need them ;)
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#192 ·
OP. I believe you did the right thing. What her husband does with the information is up to him now.

I also believe in surrounding yourself with quality people. Losing her as a "friend" is a positive event in your life. If she will backstab and lie to her husband and child she would do the same to you if she saw a gain for herself.

I would not shy away from her messages. I probably would not respond but i would likely read them.

Do not feel bad about what happened. This was her doing not yours.
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#195 ·
ariel_angel77 Husband said he was proud of you...I believe the Lord is the most proud right now....well done thy good and faithful servant! Did your hubby know about the affair? With the issues he has treated you, it makes me wonder if he knew and was waiting to see if you were going to do the moral thing and tell the friend. I know I would have respect issues with my wife if I knew she were sitting on something like this...when you took a stand his respect for you climbed considerably...hence the I'm proud of you. Good job for taking a stand!
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#196 ·
ariel,
he may contact you a little latter when he has more time to process all this with more questions.
It would be normal for him to do this.

It might be a good idea to have your husband there with you with any future conversions.

he might need a shoulder to cry on and we all know this is how EA's start.
it already seems like he likes you.
 
#200 ·
Oh i'd have some words for HER! :lol: Honestly...she wants to get upset at YOU? Oh that's priceless.

"How dare you tell my husband that I cheated and maybe had a child or two that aren't his!"

Nice.

I bet you feel better...pay no mind to her. She's just in her storm.
 
#201 ·
ariel, just cut them both out of your life and move on w/ your own. Block both of their numbers, both of their e-mail addresses, etc. You're a full-time student w/ a young child, and you're dealing w/ enough drama within your own marriage -- don't waste any more of your time on any of theirs.
 
#204 ·
I just want to end this thread by saying thank you to everyone who responded...you have no idea how much it means to me. It's because of you guys that I had the courage to do this and that it went as good as it did. I'm really glad I joined this site. There are some very caring and concerned and selfless people on this site and I'm really glad to be apart of it. :)
 
#206 · (Edited)
intheory, you're somewhat correct; the "friend's" infidelity, along w/ the questionable parentage of at least one of her children, was none of Ariel's business.

Until, that is, the "friend" made it her business when she a) told her about it (and, from what I've read, in a very nonchalant manner) and b) in doing so, attempted to leverage whatever loyalty she felt that their "friendship" may have inspired in order engage Ariel in an unspoken agreement by which she would remain complicit in the ongoing deceit by not doing the right thing... and saying nothing. Ariel rose above all of that bullsh*t, and chose to act in a manner dictated by her conscience.

And so... Ariel... again, I salute thee. :smthumbup:

ETA: Ariel, this woman was no "friend" to you, hence my use of quotation marks throughout this post. Additionally, it's clear that her husband had been told by others that his wife had been unfaithful (many times) over the course of their somewhat brief separation. So either she obviously told someone other than just you, or her behavior was just that obviously slorish to other people close to them, and one (or more) of them said something to her husband about it. Either way, how freaking stupid could she be? This is yet another reason for you to put this dumb b*tch and all of her drama behind you.
 
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