Hurtin08

Hi,

(wow, this turned out to be way longer than I thought)

New here, and as usual I never thought I'd need to be here.

I've recently found out that my wife is having an (emotional, if not physical) affair with her boss. I'll back up to the beginning to put some context around it.

Together for 18 years, married for 12, 2 kids (7 and 4). About 3 years ago we started to have problems, distant feelings, growing apart. I probably naively didn't listen as intently as I should have when she tried to explain to me what was going on until some long time damage was done. She checked out of the marrriage mentally for a year or more. However, I have come around and have made huge grounds with her and we're now doing better than we have in ages. Here's what we've found is at the root: We go together young (she 19, me 21). We went to school together, we went back to school together, we had the same friends, we tended to get a bit jealous if one of us went out without the other (especially her), we were basically financially, emotionally and almost physically attached at the hip. We both realized we needed to gain some independence and freedom if we were to live healthily.

So we've been doing great with that over the months. I've given her tremendous freedom to advance her career as fast and furiously as she could, and she's doing that. I'm picking up the slack there and doing more with the kids and the home (still working full time though...I just come home on time). I'm very proud of her and where she is in her career. She has formed a very, very strong relationship with her boss. He respects her and is taking her as far in her career as he's able. She'll do great and keep going. It's making her happy, which in turn she brings home to me. Things are looking great....or they were.

She and her boss have had a close relationship for about a year. They're now working on projects in new roles together and doing very well. However, her behaviour has changed a little lately...she's being nicer and more affectionate to me than ever. She came home the other night after an all day meeting and wind-down drinks with her boss, and was all over me. I loved it, but it was out of character. The next day she was on the phone with her boss for a work issue and I overheard the tail end of her conversation: in a soft voice she said "I have to go now, the kids are coming". It felt like I got hit in the chest with a sledge hammer. She did not know I heard. I tried to put this out of my head and tried to convince myself that I misunderstood. However, a couple of days later I asked her if I could borrow her work laptop briefly to look something up on the internet. I couldn't help sneaking into her email and looking at her sent items. The first email I opened to her boss had completely affectionate and non-work tones ("missu", "can't wait to see you", etc.). I knew. I can't tell if they've actually had sex (although I think they have) but I knew.

I copied and pasted several dozen emails and sent them to my own account (she doesn't know and has no way of tracking). I spent the next few hours reading through the last couple weeks of their conversations, some of it work, but most of it personal...very personal. I haven't eaten in 2 days and can't focus on work at all, so that's brought me to this forum.

Now here's my dilemna. Kids aside (I've been on a legal forum the last couple of days and feel that if it comes to divorce, my kids will be with me), I don't want to lose her. I like where we are right now and apparently (affair aside) she does too. If I confront her, she could use that as an excuse to run, and I don't want that....not yet. If I do a better job at giving her what she needs, maybe she won't look to him, but that means I have to pretend I don't know. I think this is the tact I'm going to try (if I can hold it together).

To add to my dilemna, her boss retires in a couple of years (he's 15 years older than she) and plans to move waaay south. He's having marital issues right now (unrelated to this). She'll likely take over his position in the company and move up corporately. She's making tons of money, she's happy, I'm happy (apart from the affair part), it sets us up for a great future. If I confront her and she doesn't run, her boss could stop helping her along (she's not using sex to move up, that I'm certain of), or if they continued to work together I wouldn't ever trust them. So not sure what benefit there is to confronting her if I don't like any of the outcomes (she runs, he stops helping her advance, they continue to work together).

I'm confused though, on a few fronts: She knows that I am the best provider of the two for our kids, so she risks losing her family. She tells me (just last night) that she sees us together forever, that we are doing much better and she likes where we are. Infidelity is very out of character for her. She tells me that she wants space and freedom, doesn't want to be smothered, but she's emailing and talking with her boss constantly (her blackberry never leaves her hand, it's the first thing she checks in the morning and last thing at night). We have sex very infrequently, and usually at my instigation (I do push too much because I have a high drive while hers is much lower) but now she wants sex from someone else. Why? Why? Why?

Am I crazy for not confronting her? Should I somehow stop them going to his boat tomorrow for the day? Do I focus longer term and do everything I can to give her what she needs? Do I call a lawyer? Do I go to the marina tomorrow morning and video them getting on the boat? Do I just cut my losses?

If anyone can shed any light or experiences on any of my ramblings I'd love to hear.
-Hurtin08

michzz

You need to deal with this now!

Confront her with what you know, that you knnow she is cheating with her boss. Plus, get her into marriage counselling with you.

Do NOT turn over the evidence of what you know to her. She will try to do damage control.

Too bad about her corporate laddering. She needs to change jobs.

Do what you can to protect yourself and your kids.

You may be able to repair things, but she has to fess up and try to fix things.

If she won't be prepared for war!

draconis

draconis

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Triton

Cooper

Hurtin08, your story sounds very much like mine. I used the cofrontational approach and it has had mixed results. I think the main thing it did was make her become much more careful. She appears to be trying to be more invested in our marriage but I still catch her in lies. I will say things are still not good between us.
You need to ask yourself some hard questions. Are you willing to stay with a woman who has cheated on you? Has she lost her way and will regret what has happened or is being with him better than being with you? Will you be able to trust her again? Peeking at e-mails and listening to phone calls is no way to live.
At the very least you need to tell her the time spent with her boss is crossing the line and see how she reacts. Just make sure you have all your soldiers in a row.
Good Luck, Cooper

Niske

Confrontation didn't work with me either. It just drove her away and made her resentful. Go to "Fighting for my Life" to get my story.

I am in the "let her find out for herself" phase. I am staying together for the kids and we are still very close as friends but she is still seeking the intimacy with him.

I recently found out that he left his last wife in another state with a baby. Now I know where he stands when he tells my wife he "cares" about how this will effect my kids. The more I listen to her talk about the relationship the more I think this guy is full of crap. But I guess love is letting the one you care for fall flat on her face then be there to help pick up the pieces.

My hope is that too much time hasn't passed.

N

Elliemay

She needs to change job for your sake and get help. I have asked my husband to change jobs. He won't even try, he says it is over and it really wasn't that serious. Knowing she is there with him every day is killing me. That is my only problem left.