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Atheist / Agnostic Betrayed Spouses

25K views 268 replies 49 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
It seems like those with religion can grasp onto that and pray and trust that their god will deliver them from the pain of being a BS. What can atheists and agnostics use? You can't pray to science. You can't expect the Universe to deliver you from your pain. I think I'm feeling jealous of other's faith even though I have no desire to have faith in a god myself.
 
#2 ·
I'm not religious. I'm realistic though. I married the wrong guy, he cheated, I'm divorced. My life goes on.

I like life and curious as to where mine will lead. Nothing turns out as we plan.

I was a great wife to my spouse and never had any guilt and that helped me a lot. I can keep my head held high and know I did the very best I could. My devotion was given to the wrong person.

No religion needed for me. I'm at peace with myself.
 
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#4 ·
I always wondered where atheists get their core values. What is the basis of their values. Don't kill, don't steal, don't covet the neighbors wife are all religious values. So, no worries if you're an atheist? Just wondering about the basis of core values assuming they are not religious. Assuming cheating violates religious beliefs, why would there be an issue with cheating.

I guess my question is,
I've never understood why people need to be told by a religious book not to kill, rape, steal, etc. If a religious book didn't tell you that, you'd do it?

You don't need a religious book to get values. You don't need divine punishment or divine reward to get values. You need empathy and kindness. Doing something out of fear of violent repercussions is compliance, not morality.
 
#3 ·
I always ask the universe to deliver me from pain and to my path.

I trust in the flow of energy and that all beings have a purpose within this life cycle.

I am not atheist, I don't think...I am perhaps agnostic? I know I'm not Christian or any religion. I do believe in energy flow and that negativity begets negativity. So I try to remain positive even through the shet.

I try to focus on my path and working towards peace within myself for clarity and fulfillment. I remind myself that I, too, am part of this universe and my energy also flows.

I don't believe in some God. Or that he had people write a book. No. You don't have to be religious to be a good person or have values.
 
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#7 ·
I don't kill, lie, cheat, steal, rape because they are wrong to do. My parents instilled those values in me. If those values happen to coincide with religious values, great.

You expect atheists to murder, or else they are hypocritical? How many millions of murders have been committed over the years - from 10000 BC to five minutes ago in the name of God?
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#8 ·
I'm an @ss whole and I hate everyone :) but we all have faith that the pain will go away.

Couldn't imagine that the pain doesn't go away... how phucked up would it be to believe the pain stays with you......I mean we gotta have faith that in time the pain will go away....or why else bother with living.

Besides Affaircare says the pain goes away so there!
 
#9 · (Edited)
You can't be jealous of it if you don't value it, so perhaps you are not as much of an atheist as you think. Focus on delivering yourself from the pain. It can be hard to draw up logic and reason when you are hurting, but it can give you a path out of the pain into better relationships even if it does not medicate the pain in the moment. But perhaps knowing that your behavior and attitude will dramatically affect your future happiness can be an inspiration in itself?
 
#11 ·
My family comes from a small town in the Netherlands and medical dental care government run and paid for Health Care. My family's doctor was a man from the community. Having spent the better part of two days and a night keeping an injured young man alive, the family rushed in. When they say the lad was alive they all dropped to their knees and prayed "Oh thank you god for saving our boy." The Doctor made the comment that "when you save the person its all god, but if they die, it's a lousy Doctor."
I have grave concerns for any group claiming god's approval to ruin the lives of the people around them, to go to war, to deny health care to the poor and disenfranchised and call themselves holy. If they were atheist or agnostic doing it, it would be equally awful. If there is a god, my guess is he will claim he was misquoted.
 
#14 ·
I always wondered where atheists get their core values. What is the basis of their values. Don't kill, don't steal, don't covet the neighbors wife are all religious values. So, no worries if you're an atheist? Just wondering about the basis of core values assuming they are not religious. Assuming cheating violates religious beliefs, why would there be an issue with cheating.
lol...seriously? Do you know anything about the history of christianity? Its really not that old of a religion. It certainly didn't invent the concept of morality or societal values. In fact, I'd have a pretty good argument that people following christianity have participated in more immorality...ie, bigotry, slavery, murder, rape, incest, infidelity, deceit, etc...than most major religions on the planet.

Long, long, long before christianity ever existed, there were long held societal laws based on the facts that human beings exist in communities. As such, rules or laws were made to enable that to happen smoothly that have become the basis or code over a long period of time for how we live today. Religions far older than christianity have kept those societal laws in place. In fact, most of the christian religion is ripped off from the Egyptians. Lets face it...humans have been making up gods for a long time.

That being said...christianity doesn't teach morality or even spirituality. There are billions of people in the world who don't follow it and live good, moral lives and help others.

I don't bash religious people but I'm not going to listen to some religious bigot bash the goodness of the non-religious because they don't understand basic history.

What can atheists and agnostics use? You can't pray to science. You can't expect the Universe to deliver you from your pain. I think I'm feeling jealous of other's faith even though I have no desire to have faith in a god myself.
I'm agnostic and admit that sometimes life is painful. But pain isn't always a negative, its often something you can learn from. I know a lot of religious people that pray and don't enjoy any happier a life than I have.

When someone bad happens. I let myself feel sad or mad...and then I put things into perspective. Life is wonderful...its an amazing gift. I have friends, family, a roof over my head, food, love, etc. I've lost people...I've moved through hard times...and all of it is making me evolve into a more complete person.

I can't imagine ever feeling jealous of anyone. But if you really were an atheist or an agnostic, praying would be out of the question because its simply dishonest. However, if you're questioning your set of beliefs, than maybe you should investigate another path....maybe believing in a religious is something that might work for you.
 
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#16 ·
I'm sure that I'm not the right person to respond to this post, but I'm going to try anyway. I'm a Christian and I was the WS in my marriage. Hence, the reason that I'm all wrong for this? :eek:

You seem like a genuinely kind and caring person who is in a great deal of pain. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Do you believe in Karma? What about positive and negative energy? You have contributed a lot of good things to the world. Perhaps, you can believe that the "good" you have contributed will come back to you in time. Hopefully, time that will help ease your pain. I wish I had more to offer. I'm so sorry.
 
#18 ·
No I can't believe in any deity. I just resent that people of faith have this thing they can believe takes care of them and guides them.
Personally I'd rather believe in the kindness of others and the power within myself.

I guess wouldn't want any flying space daddy in a white dress leading me around. I'm always amazed when bad things happen, how resourceful and strong I can be. I'm also always amazed at how much some of my friends and family love me and are willing to help me.

If you're having trouble...if I could make one suggestion, don't be afraid to ask the people that love you for help. Reach out and you'll be surprised how many people that you can lean on. Its hard to do to ask sometimes but a lot of people really appreciate it when you do.

Best wishes...I hope you get through your struggles.
 
#19 ·
Karma is about balancing energy from a past life and this life. (way more intricate than that!)..good and bad karma can help us grow.

I do believe in reincarnation because energy cannot be created or destroyed. That being said I look at every encounter with people (good or bad) as a karmic debt from a previous life.

All things that help us grow in the "now".
 
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#22 ·
Those are actually nice thoughts. I actually made a list of times I was less than kind in the past years and wondered if it was karma
Interestingly enough....I've found that helping others during trying times in my life has made me to make me feel more whole.

Sometimes when you're going through something rough, stepping outside of your own circumstances to help others give your life more purpose and make you realize how much impact you can have to others. It just makes you feel good about life and makes others feel good about life.

Maybe doing some charity work or getting involved in a mentoring program would help get your mind off of all the tough things you're going through?
 
#23 ·
I trust in what I can see, and try my best to be logical. Make the most of the time you have, move on, learn, and grow from the experience. Some days the only thing that kept me going when I "felt" alone is the fact that the next day will happen weather I'm ready for it or not. Having children depending on you as well, or people at your job, etc. is enough faith for me. I wish there was a God. I wish that life was fair, and justice existed. I have to do my best and HOPE others will do the same to progress themselves and thus our species. That's my "faith."
 
#25 ·
Pamvhv: You can a tell Dutchman, but you can't tell him much. My wife says avoid the salt licorice (soute drop sorry, have used Dutch in years). I suspect you are right though, there are two kinds of Dutch people, those who are religious, and those who are not. No matter which side you pick they both think they are right.
 
#26 ·
I wish there was a God. I wish that life was fair, and justice existed. I have to do my best and HOPE others will do the same to progress themselves and thus our species. That's my "faith."
I'm agnostic which for me is code for "I'm holding out my belief-cherry for a god that's not a sexist or murderous, bigoted jagoff and who digs some good jazz."

The truth is that it really doesn't matter whether a god or gods exist or not. They clearly aren't interested in helping with the human condition so we have to help each other. I don't need a religion to know that the meaning of life is to always try to be a better person and to help others so that they're in a position to do the same for the next person.
 
#29 ·
:D
 
#32 ·
Yeah, can't say I'm much of a Tyson fan either.

My real issue though, is with Sagan. If you're an atheist, you gotta reason it's a Darwinian universe. His belief that it's benevolent, let alone his inluence in affixing a big "Hi! We're over here!" sign onto Voyager (now in interstellar space) was both naive and dangerous,

Really, I'm not paranoid...:D
 
#34 ·
I'm with EI on this response: I'm not sure if I'm exactly "qualified" since I was disloyal and since I consider myself a Christian, and I do have faith.

From what I can understand, you like the idea of something to lean on in the hard times, but resent the idea of a god--that is to say not just "christian" but any deity. So you're not asking for how you could find out more about Krishna (for example LOL), but rather "Is there some equivalent comforting thing in the universe for atheists?" Is that sort of close to right?

I'm going to skip new age stuff, balancing energy, "the Universe" and that kind of thing. I don't think that's what you're looking for. I do have faith, and I got my faith by studying and getting to a point that my head believes it's true even sometimes when my heart doesn't feel so secure. So maybe that's what you're looking for and something you "could do"--study until you find something you can believe is true even when your feelings are on the rollercoaster.

For example, to be honest, I think I've read every book every published about affairs. I studied them. I studied what counselors say; I studied psychology books; I studied marriage coaches; I did workbooks and worksheets; I went to support groups; I studied about relationships; I studied about divorce--I mean it! I studied! I wanted to learn what happened, and how I could see it again, and where I went wrong, and try to just learn everything I possibly could about the topic. Now, that may be kinda much for you, but maybe if you learned about the thing that's causing the pain...it would help some.

In the end, I will say this. I think it comes down to love. I mean that us humans need to learn how to demonstrate love to each other, and that means I'm not thinking of me...I'm thinking of you. And I need to study you to find out what means love to you. And then I need to figure out how to DO that and BE a person who shines out love. This is relevant because I think part of faith is figuring out how to love and who to love. My answer is that I love God and your answer is different, and that's yours to make! But maybe your answer is love yourself and be kind and gentle to yourself and forgive yourself. Maybe your answer is to love someone less fortunate and get the focus off yourself for a while. Maybe your answer is to love animals or natural things. All I'm saying is I think that somehow, love figures into this.
 
#35 ·
I dont know what I am anymore. All I know is that if there is a god, he gave up on me long before I gave up on him.

I have a cousin on facebook with a beautiful and loving wife, a beautiful home, and a great life. He really does have an amazing life, its not just a facade. Hes always proclaiming how good god is. My response is "yeah i'd love god too if I were you".

As it is, I'm 7 months into R and I cant even be given the opportunity to handle that because my job of 12 years will be ending soon so all my focus is on that. In my time on earth, most of it has been spent battling depression alone. I thought I finally overcame it when I got married and I was being rewarded for paying those dues. Nope, God decided I hadnt been through enough. They say God will never give you more than you can handle in a day. Well, hes given me more than I care to handle for a lifetime.

I want to believe, I just cant any longer.
 
#71 · (Edited)
While I appreciate and empathize with your pain, I would like you to see equally that, even if you had your brothers life, the very fact and character of human suffering says a great deal about any power that there is out there. It seems to me that it is the pinnacle of narcissism that your brother attributes his good fortune to good whilst there is so much suffering of innocents in the world at the hands of nature.

On the other hand, the people that invest the most energy into declaring how happy they are, are often most of all trying to convince themselves so it might not be exactly what it seems.
 
#36 ·
I knew I was an atheist at the age of 8, before I knew what Atheism was. Once my very religious Muslim Grandfather told me Allah knew everything I was going to do in my life and who I was going to become, thousand years before I was even born, I had few good questions!

So wait, He creates people knowing ahead of time they're going to be Murderers, child molesters and rapists, but creates them anyway and lets them loose on this planet to, why? Confirm his hypothesis? The answer has always been “freewill”. I hate that world!

Fast forward 20 years: I started to travel to Africa and volunteer at several refugee camps, taught English at some schools, and helped doctors without borders at several hospitals. I met some amazing people. I have seen Christian children starve to death while praying to Jesus. I have seen Muslim children starve to death while praying to Allah. Neither Jesus nor Allah was interested in helping these innocent children.

Interestingly enough, These same gods were more than willing to help Bob in Mississippi put some fried chicken on the table. And Muhammad in Saudi Arabia put (Hummus?) on the table. Hmm, funny how that works!

Needless to say my experience while living amongst the poorest and the most religious in the world has further strengthened my conviction.

Prayers are useless. You can pray to Donald Trump and have the same rate of success.
 
#37 ·
I miss the comfort religion gave me when I was young, and I also miss the comfort I felt when I believed my partner would never betray me. In the end, I lost both comforts and gained a harsher and (I'd like the think) more realistic world view. Being on the outside of religion, especially in the Bible Belt and/or when your whole family is religious, can be difficult.

Despite being a loner, I think the sense of community and family that comes with being part of a good church can be a great thing to have in your life: You have friends, support, activities, and connections throughout your community through like-minded individuals at your gathering place. Atheist churches exist, but it's not the same experience without faith of some sort. When my sister was sick, when my brother died, when I was in an accident, when the love of my life cheated on me: Others prayed and I hoped for the best. The end result was the same... nothing changed unless acted upon by earthly forces... but I know there is healing power in coming together in such a way and having that sense of belief. That is real and that can be lost when you open your mind to outside ideas.

You seem to be searching for something that can not be given to you, at least without accepting that same kind "faith" that religions requires. To me, that's the opposite of what being atheist or agnostic is all about. I'm not even atheist because I don't know. We're all humans (even, especially, people like Mr. Dawkins, Hitchens, etc), so I've learned to question anyone who professes to know the truth. They only know their version of the truth, and in my experience, accepting another human's view usually gives rise to more questions than answers.

All I know is this: I haven't seen, read, or heard anything that explains explains the mysteries of the universe (including love), and I doubt I ever will.
 
#74 · (Edited)
We're all humans (even, especially, people like Mr. Dawkins, Hitchens, etc), so I've learned to question anyone who professes to know the truth. They only know their version of the truth, and in my experience, accepting another human's view usually gives rise to more questions than answers.

All I know is this: I haven't seen, read, or heard anything that explains explains the mysteries of the universe (including love), and I doubt I ever will.
The issue that Dawkins, Hitch, and others will have with this is not putting their opinions ahead of others, but putting faith and unfounded belief on the same footing and esteem as established facts and applied reason. Any belief ought to be supported by facts.

There are things we know we know. There are things we think we know. And there are things we know we don't know. They are not the same things and should not carry the same weight when choosing the course of your life and particularly in influencing public policy.
 
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