I have been lurking for several weeks trying to figure out how to bring up the infidelity subject with DH. You know sometimes things present themselves on a platter. Tonight was one of those times.
DH looks at porn on the internet and I have an issue with that. He was looking at it every day even when we were having a discussion across the desk. (amazing what you can see in the reflection of his glasses) I told him how that made me feel and he went on and on about not wanting to hurt me. He stopped looking at it in front of me but I still suspected he did it. I also told him I figured he was talking with other women and that had to stop. Asked how he would like it if I was carrying on with another man and he said he would not. I think he has a sex addiction and hopefullt that can get discussed in counseling.
In January he left his computer screen on and I saw a conversation he had with an old GF. I know they talked once in a while but that conversation was not 'hey friend how are ya'. It was explicit. I confronted him in an emotional rage and told him that someone saw him with her at the restaurant. He denied it but when the cell phone bill came her number was on the bill. He told me he was insulted that I didn't trust him. Told his DB and DS that I accused him of having an affair and he was insulted. (I heard the phone conversations)
One night when he was out of town visiting his dying father I found out he had been seeing a woman from work. I suspected this because her number was in the cell phone records. I sent her an anonymous note and told her she was a homewrecker and hope she was proud of herself. (not very mature I know but I felt better in the moment) I printed the IMs from both women and hid them.
I spent many nights crying myself to sleep trying to figure out how to aproach the subject again. There were times I would talk to myself all the way home from work and say everything I had to say and end up crying. I really distanced myself from him. In the meantime his DF died so I played the grieving wife even though I wanted to be anywhere but with his family. I noticed them watching me a lot that weekend. When we left my DSIL said 'I hope to see you again'. During this year I have been having daily hot flashed and horrible night sweats and have not been easy to live with.
DH grew up in his Grandparents home and Gramps had a 30 year affair with a single woman. His Dad also had affairs. When that was discussed at the funeral, I said, seems like a family trait and he gave me a stare and said 'no it isn't'.
Recently we had some damage to our home and today we got a ltr stating the party is not going to pay for it. DH called from work so I asked if he wanted me to open the letter since it was addressed to him. I read it and he said, 'I always get screwed by everyone no matter what I do'. I said really, have I screwed you? He said, 'I dont know'. I asked what he meant by that and he said 'Well you don't trust me' and all of a sudden I felt a calm come over me and I said 'that's right'. He said 'I do one thing a year ago and you still can't trust me'. I told him I knew about 'Mary Smith' at work. He started to deny it and said that Phil's wife was named Mary and I stopped him. I told him that when he was out of town one night he left his computer screen on and I read everything. Told him I knew he bought lingerie for her because I saw the phone call to the store and their IM conversation confirmed it. He said they never had sex. I told him I read that it was oral sex and sex is sex, told him he wasn't Bill Clinton and the definition was not up for debate. He used to tell me he was talking to 'Phil' from work. Mary's ex is named Phil. I didn't question him in the beginning. Here it was Mary all along. Told him I was smarter than he thinks.
I spoke calmly and confidently. I told him he had to choose. Me or other women. He said he wanted to be with me and I told him that we needed to go to marriage counseling and he said he would go. He sounded like a puppy dog on the phone. I feel like a great weight has been lifted. Hopefully we can get one or two counseling visits in before then. I will ask him tonight to call for the appt tomorrow.
I will be angry for a while and it will be a long time before I trust him again. I told him we will be discussing this again. I wasn't done talking and I was sure he had some things to say. It just feels good to tell 'someone' even if you are all strangers. I have kept this to myself since I found out.
We are going on vacation on Saturday to his DBs. I am going to ask hm to tell his family about the affair in front of me. (not the details, just that he did it) I want them to know the truth. I know they think he did nothing wrong and I don't want to live with them looking down on me anymore.
'You choose the behavior, you choose the consequence'.
I think that it is smart of you to have found out the way that ou did. I hope that counsiling helps the two of you. Additionally he needs to lead an open life to prove to you that you can trust him and that he has nothing to hide. Additionally I think h should restrict himself from any porn.
Sounds like you have done the right things here in order to bring him back around. Make it clear to him it will take time for you to regain trust in him. Maybe months or a year. He needs to understand the extent of the damage. His own poor behavior has caused this. I understand you wanting him to “confess” in front of his brother and sister but I really question this. I would think it would be best to work on the marriage at this time and wait on airing the laundry. Do what you think best, just something to think about. Sorry to hear of the hot flashes, I know that is difficult. My wife is going through the same.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
i like how you have handled yourself. your definately a fighter.
i found the same , ppl put there noses down at me , when i did nothing wrong.
its usually these ppl that have alot to answer to. more so than the rest.
i hope all works out for you.
but it doesnt mean it is the end just yet.
however i like how you started your investigations.
draconis- there will be lots of additional discussions coming up. We have a 4 hour car ride on Saturday for vacation.
Amp- Thank you for your opinion on the confession to his family. I have rethought that. I think we need to work on things first and then talk about it to the family later.
justean-After I rethought the decision for DH to out himself to the family this weekend, I realized that it would be a manipulative move on my part and that is not how I want to start this new process out. I am sure there are other family secrets that I have not heard about yet. This might not get more than a shoulder shrug from his family.
Good for you for being such of a fighter! You have been a super detective and I have been too, but mine will not admit anything even though he has been caught writing emotional things to the other woman in China. The unfortunate thing is there is no help for me as if he will not admit even though all of the signs are in everyone's face we cannot move forward to repair the marriage.
Good luck to you, there is so much work ahead. Keep being strong.
We are going to our first marriage counseling appt in two weeks. I asked DH to call and make the appt himself. He has been quite attentive. Our 5 year anniv is a few days before the appt. I looked at anniv cards over the weekend and none of them say what I feel right now. Might have to write my thoughts out in a blank card. I never thought I would EVER be in this position in my life.
We are going to our first marriage counseling appt in two weeks. I asked DH to call and make the appt himself. He has been quite attentive. Our 5 year anniv is a few days before the appt. I looked at anniv cards over the weekend and none of them say what I feel right now. Might have to write my thoughts out in a blank card. I never thought I would EVER be in this position in my life.
Hang in there, Lori, hun. If you only knew how many people go to counseling. I think more never even try to save their marriage, which I find very sad. Good luck to you !
I have been thinking about sending an email to the other woman. I searched online for some letters and got some ideas and was able to come up with my own. I am hoping to get her to think about what she is doing and what this is doing to another woman. On the other hand, how can she not know.
Have any of you ever sent an email to the other woman?
To the other woman,
Five years ago this coming Friday xx and I stood in the presence of our family and friends and swore before God that we would be faithful to each other until death parted us. With your "help" he has since betrayed those vows. I never thought I would be in this situation. Before we got married we discussed infidelity. We both had been cheated on before. I thought I was safe with xx. He told me how much his ex had hurt him. I told him if he cheated it would be a deal breaker for me.
I cannot fault you soley. I am sure xx did not think I was smart enough to figure everything out. Don't be surprised if your BF has it figured out too. I was shocked to learn that you actually called our home to talk to my husband. I have your phone numbers but I will never call your home or workplace. Everything is so sneaky. That must be part of the chase.
I am sure you feel sorry for my husband. He probably paints a bleak picture of his home life. 'She never spends time with me, has no interest in sex, and acts like she is mad all the time.' After we were married the only time he wanted to have sex was in the morning and if it ain't morning and I am in the mood, that is too bad. I am sure he never told you that part.
Learning about these affairs has been devastating and I am not certain we will get through it…but please give us a chance to try. Please back away from him. I am not mad or hateful towards you, I know it takes two. From one woman to another, I just want to ask you to leave us alone to try to work things out. Even though you are not married, please try to be respectful of our marriage. Remember this, what goes around, comes around, and it could be your turn next.
After we were married the only time he wanted to have sex was in the morning and if it ain't morning and I am in the mood, that is too bad. I am sure he never told you that part.
No, I haven't done that. Early on, I didn't want to give her a reason to go talk to my husband & as time went on I felt that a letter might be an invitation for her to write back and I didn't want that either. My counselor suggested the idea so I did write something out but decided not to send it. I think I had the same thought as you stated about her knowing he was married and even after he ended it with her she asked him if they could have one last hurrah (yuk) so she obviously has no respect for my marriage and I doubt a letter from me would change that.
Anyway, if you decide to send it, I would think about removing the part above...only because in essence it is saying something negative about your husband and if she wants him back, she will most likely show it to him in an attempt to drive a wedge between the two of you. I understand where you are coming from...that he most likely painted a not-so-nice picture of you, but maybe saying something more general like, we both realize we have things we need to work on within our marriage.
swedish- Thank you for your response. I read my post again at work this morning and didn't like that part either. I like your suggestion for saying something general. I think that sentence is a good seque to my last paragraph.
'I am sure you feel sorry for my husband. He probably paints a bleak picture of his home life. 'She never spends time with me, has no interest in sex, and acts like she is mad all the time.' At this point we both realize we have things we need to work on within our marriage.'
I decided to send the letter I mentioned above. I added two sentences to the paragraph about this being so sneaky: 'Is there any part of your brain that tells you are doing a bad thing? Have you ever felt guilty before or after your escapades?'
I did not expect to get such a quick reply. She wrote me back and said:
"I am so very sorry, and your right there is nothing I can say to make it better. I do wish you and xx all the best and I will give you both what you need. And your wrong I dont think 'poor xx' at all. I will email xx that our friendship is over, and I do believe you two can work this out.
I will not mention to him that you wrote to me, but if you want to tell him that is fine.
Again I am sorry....."
xx
All of this on our 5th wedding anniversary. I have had a pit in my stomach for weeks now and it seems to have lessened since I read the email this morning. Our first counseling appt is next week. I know we have a lot of things to work on.
Honey- Thank you for your post on 9/9. I have had this picture of marriage in my mind and thought two people could work anything out themselves but hadn't thought about them needing a neutral party to help them with it.
Last edited by LoriFrank; 09-19-2008 at 07:41 PM.
Reason: too much personal info
Wow. I can't think of a better response from TOW than that. The way she worded the email to your husband was pretty clear that she wants to be completely out of his life out of respect for your marriage. Sounds like she 'gets' it and is probably not happy with herself for getting involved in the first place.
I'm sorry that the timing is such. Not a great way to celebrate your 5th, but I am very glad he is willing to go to counseling and sounding remorseful. If his sexual urges with porn and other women are beyond his control at this point, I hope it will be a catalyst for him to get some help in that area.
Thought I would post an update. We have had 2 counseling sessions that have gone well. We had some homework the first week and then discussed that the next week.
At the 2nd session the therapist asked if there was anything else I wanted to know for closure. I said I wanted a sincere apology but right now it wouldn't mean much so DH should save it until he really means it. Said I also wanted DH to confess this to his DB. They talk once a week on the phone and I know he told his DB and DSIL that I accused him of an affair and that he was insulted. DH said he did not see what that was going to do. I said, you lied to me and you lied to your family. They need to know that when I accused you, I was not crazy.
DH called his DB last night and confessed. I did not pick up the phone although I told DH I was going to listen in. I could hear the conversation and he was struggling. DH said his DB told him if he was here DH would have a size 10 up his ... Told him that he better consider himself really lucky that I didn't kick his ... out and that I was willing to go for counseling. They talked 1 1/2 hrs. DH respects his DB and I think this will help him be accountable to himself and our marriage. I am glad I did not call him out on this when we were with his DB and DSIL for vacation in Aug. It worked out much better like this. Thank you to whoever gave me that advice.
I did confide in a close friend about this. Had a good conversation and have support there. I am feeling calmer than I have for a long time.
Another cheating husband
Re: Another cheating husband
