Hello,
I am new to the forum and I don’t know if opening myself up to a group of random strangers is going to help me any. I guess I need to tell someone and hopefully I will get some comfort from being able to vent a little.
I am a husband and a father of 2 wonderful kids 17(boy) and 13(girl). My family is everything to me and I work very hard to keep them comfortable and without want.
I met and fell madly in love with my wife 21 years ago. We were both in the military and stationed at Ft Lewis Washington. Over the course of our marriage we have had our bumps. But we overcame and stayed together when conventional marriages would have failed. Between us we were both proud that our love survived and that we were able to stay together. We have never stopped loving each other. Even now.
Throughout our marriage I changed careers, lost jobs and started new careers. She stuck by my side through it all, even when most wives would have thrown in the towel. I finally settled in a job that has income, benefits, and security. I brought her home from a job so she could be with out kids and be with me. My job entails working at night and we didn’t see a lot of each other during the day when she was working. Having her home meant that she could get the kids off to school then come back to bed with me until I fell asleep.
This has been our life for the last 5 years. I thought I had it all. Beautiful wife, well rounded kids and a house.
August 11th, 2008 my world came crashing down. She admitted to me that she has been seeing, and “possibly” fell in love with another man. I noticed that she was spending more time away from the house. She wanted to exercise so she would leave in the morning at 9 then though out the day state that she was shopping or in the park “relaxing”. I believed her but my gut instinct was telling me something was wrong. At the time her parents were living with us and they are very negative and depressing. I thought that she was just getting away from them. Still the felling lingered.
Her parents left back to California and I thought things would settle back down. She still would take off all day and seemed that she would be upset when I called her. I confronted her on the evening of the 11th. That’s when she admitted to me the affair. She also told me that she has been lonely over the past years and that she often cried herself to sleep. I never knew this and she never confided in me that this was going on. She also said that when she’s with this man she feels different then when she’s with me and that we’ve “lost” that part of our relationship. She readily admits that I am a great person and a great father and provider and that she doesn’t want me to hurt and she doesn’t want to hurt the children, who will be devastated once they find out. But, despite my best efforts to prove to her she is making a horrible choice and that she should come back to me so we can work on our marriage she refuses to give up her relationship with this other man. She swears that they have not had full intercourse but hinted on doing “other things”. She says that she is tired of doing everything for everyone else and living everyone else’s life, and living in my shadow. She says this is selfish of her but it makes her feel good. She claims she still loves me and always will and she doesn’t want to leave me and doesn’t want to leave our bed but she is continuing the relationship with him.
She won’t tell me much about him other then that he is divorced and that he knows everything about our situation. She admits that he feels bad for me and the kids but he has “fallen for her” and doesn’t want her to stop seeing him either. I know that he is applying pressure for her to leave as I am steadfastly holding onto hope that she will stop and come back to me. A lot of tears have been shed in the last week and my love for her is strong enough to hold back the feelings of resentment and anger towards her. I have taken responsibility for my actions and I’ve told her that I want to change for her, for the better.
I guess I’m looking more for some hope that my marriage and my wife will make it through this latest challenge and that we can continue our life together anew. And that to much more doesn’t happen so that my wife can rebuild the trust.
No one here can promise you a happy ending with your marriage, althought I'm sure everyone wishes they could.
My suggestion to you is to keep the communication open with her wife. Tell her everyday how much you love her and that you are willing and wanting to try and save your marriage. Tell her how her behaviours are causing you hurt and pain.
It's not fair for her to treat you this way. Right now, I think she is looking for the best of both worlds...love and security from you, and attention and excitement from him. Make sure she knows how much this hurts you and that you can't tolerate it anymore.
Maybe try asking her to cut ALL communications with him for a trial peroid so you can make an attempt at saving your marriage. During that time, maybe seek counselling so you can both figure out what the needs of the marriage are. If she's not willing to give up him for a brief time to try and fix the marriage, then she probably isn't going to be willing to end the relationship at all and it might be best you prepare yourself go to your seperate ways.
She needs to know and fully understand that what she is doing is not okay, and the consequences that may come from it.
i agree with amber.
but this sounds like my ex hubby- he was having an affair the last 6 months of the marriage ( i did not know about this though)- it became a gut instinct. that i took on playing the detective role.
n e way . he was exactly the same sounding as your wife. he really couldnt let go. he wanted the other girl for pleasure and a new lease of life inspiration and the wife at home.
as soon as we split , i filed for divorce must to his disgust.
it took him two yrs before he signed our papers.
he just couldnt let go.
im sorry to be harsh he, but lettin her in the same bed. i think you need to really push her.
him or you or her out. she cant have it all.
maybe then she wil realise what she might be giving up. either way , she certainly knows where her bread is buttered. and your letin her eat it.
i do think n e marriage can be saved, if it wants to be.
but ultimatums and sacrifices need to be made sometimes in order for a change in direction.
I think that the end is near. It seems that when I continue to talk to her about how she is hurting me and that we need to get our marriage together she acts like I'm bothering her. She continues to state that she "doesn't want to talk about it" and "I'm trying to hard". Trying to hard to save my marriage? Are you kidding me????
I don't know what kind of propaganda this guy is feeding her and I have no idea what I'm up against as I know nothing about him. She says she doesn't want to tell me because it will hurt to much.
I guess my love is strong enough to hold out hope. I told her to make a choice and she steadfastly refuses to stop seeing him. But she states that she doesn't want to leave me either and because she loves me that this is hard on her too. I know that we will be at a crossroads soon. For the first time in our marriage she stopped tagging our text messages with "I love you".
I would ask for a seperation with her moving out, letting her know that you can not sit by and share her with the other guy. Keep communication open with her and suggest once a week to meet for dinner and at least two days a week she sees the kids.
In the end one person can not make a relationship work. Giving yourself space in this case may provide perspective for the both of you.
As long as you continue to let her have her cake and eat it too, she will do just that & nothing will change. I agree with Draconis. If she won't decide, make the decision for her. That's the only hope I see in her coming around.
I have made contact with a Family Lawyer and will be sitting down in the next few weeks. Before I set an ultimatum I want to know what my options are. In my opinion she is the one walking away not me. I should be able to keep what I've built. In the mean time I am praying that she will stop this and come back to me so we can start the healing.
Good move. It's hard to focus on protecting yourself legally when your emotions are a mess.
I hope she comes around too. Most affairs don't last past 6 months and the fact that she's not ready to say she is done with the marriage is hopeful, but I'm glad you are getting your ducks in a row just in case.
Sometimes GOd takes care of the timing. I had a talk to her tonight and she walked out to get a hotel room. I think it's over. I know I can't go on like this. Either way I need to get on with my life. I was hoping that it would be with her but it looks like it's going to be without her.
My wife came home shortly after she left to stay at a hotel. In our talk after she got back I finally got the answer to where I stand in her life. She says that she still loves me and that I will always be apart of her. She also states that she no longer feels any intimacy with me and that this feeling happened long before the other man showed up. She also stated that she wasn't looking for anyone else but now that it happened she doesn't want to give that up as it may be her future.
She won't leave the house because of the kids. I won't leave the house either. We now have a relationship where I still love her and want to be with her and she still loves me but only as a close friend and the father of my kids.
It sounds crazy I know. So for now we are together as parents and will continue to poor love and affection into our kids with both of us in the same house. I am allowing her to go and see if the new man in her life is someone that she will want to be with after our kids are gone. I don't know how this will play out. She did promise me that if he leaves her that, If I am still willing, she will give our marriage a second chance.
I am praying that I will have that second chance. For now the focus will be on my son and daughter and getting them through school and out on their own.
I guess this big strong policeman would rather have her as a close friend then lose her all together.
I think I might be winning. She is starting to hug and hold my hands when we sleep together again. Because of a medical condition that I am working through right now we are unable to make love. I know this is an issue with him because he has been bugging her for details.
As of yet they have not. I believe her for now. He seems very controlling however and hates when I text her when they are together but doesn't have any problem texting her when she is with me. He has already walked away from a marriage and a small child. I hope she wakes up soon.
Patiently waiting for the end of this nightmare. I am still in the fight.
i think you should wake up soon.
as awful as that sounds. she is living two lives. very selfish to want to much of a good thing and your lettin her have all she wants.
try taking yourself and detaching yourself from her.
she wil soon realise what she could be losing.
how cruel is she to put you in that situation.
above all she takes advantage because she knows you love her and shes using you.
Fighting for my life
