So, about a year ago, my dh had an emotional affair with a woman from work - flirtatious texting at all hours and sending messages to her on Facebook when he was supposed to be doing things with the family. He broke it off back then at my request, but not without alot of huffing and puffing on his part because they were "just really good friends, like a brother and sister". I didn't believe that for one second, unless he thinks flirting with a sister is okay?! Nevertheless, he stopped texting her and unfriended her on FB.
Then he got laid off from his company. Not great news, but actually a relief since he absolutely had no more excuses for keeping in touch with her.
Anyway, through the last year he got a new job and our marriage has been getting better month by month. He's been much more affectionate and even started buying me flowers (something he's NEVER done in our 8-year marriage). Everything was starting to turn around, until.....today when I found out that he had re-friended her on FB a couple of weeks ago.
What do I make of this? I haven't told him I know yet. I'm torn between continuing to snoop to see what will happen and doing something devious like unfriending her from his account to put an end to it.
I'm full of emotions right now with bad memories and feelings resurfacing, so I'm not thinking straight about the logical thing to do in this situation. Any suggestions?
Did they ever have physical affairs?
If no, you can confront him with love & trust, respect. You can say you want to trust him but reminder him you need his 100% faithfulness as well as he wouldn't enjoy seeing you make a male friend as your brother and messaging each other behind him.
When you speak to him, you want to be calm and talk with a respectful but firm attitude with a correct reason.
You don't want to fight, or go for more questioning. You don't want to complain about the past or argue with him about this issue because you don't want to destroy the progressing of your marriage is at now.
You don't want to creat any damage between you and your husband.
He's not so dumb. He knows what you want.
He says no. A mutual friend of ours talked to him about the whole thing and thinks nothing happened. Personally, I'm not 100% convinced. There were plenty of opportunities - late hours at the office and days when they were alone in the office together. It was a very small workplace. To be honest, I still think there was a 60-70% chance that there might have been something physical, even if it didn't go all the way. Our friend seems to believe it never went that far from their conversation. But who's to say that he didn't lie to our friend too?
Better trust him. Why you must believe there's PA than trusting he's clean?
When you're being too jealous, your husband would find it hard to please you.
He's clean but you want to accuse him without evidences.
You can't do this kind of false accusation.
It's better he doesn't go to work so you can lock him in the house, 24 hours you can watch his move.
Nobody can live a relationship or marriage like living in a jail. Maybe in a short period but not in a long run.
MsLonely, I appreciate your advice and your calm demeanor. However, he's not living in a jail by any means. He comes and goes as he pleases while I sit at home with the kids. If anyone is in a "jail", it's me. He has a permanent babysitter, while I'm stuck in the house because he's hardly ever home so I can go out. I only get to go out if I'm going to the store or if I'm going out with him. He's out with friends right now as a matter of fact, while I'm home taking care of our children as usual.
At any rate, that doesn't change the fact that he's suddenly back in touch with her without any reason for him to be so.
I would like to talk to him about it, but I know it will cause a HUGE argument. Even when I have brought up the subject in a very calm and reasonable way before, he starts yelling, defending his "friendship", and saying I need to get over it. That's how the discussion begins and ends every time. Doesn't seem that someone would be that over-the-top angry and defensive over an ex-coworker and "friend". Make no mistake, the texts and FB messages were not between "just friends". He has other female friends on FB, they don't write each other like that and I have no problems with those women.
I think you should confront him. First, don't let the emotion to start building up between the two of them. Second thing what was the consequences he was going to suffer if he contacted OW?
My thought is after going around with this crap last year you would think that you would be vigilant in validating his commitment, so you're not snooping, and he's foolish for not thinking you wouldn't.
For examble my DS understands that her privacy will never be as it was before. Her consequences for her behavior are know she has to be accountable for were she is and who she is in contact with. That is just part of "I'll do anything to work this out" deal. Granted she had the choice to move on and have her secrets and answer to no one, but she choose the marraige and the work it will take for us to heal and repair the marriage.
So. if your H has given you all his passwords and has agreed to be open and forthcoming in order to repair the marriage, then you would have to assume he knows you are looking, so bring this last event out in the open and confront it head on.
Waiting and watching will only piss you off more and make it more difficult in resoling this issue with a rational mind.
There were no consequences mutually discussed because we could never get to that far in a reasonable conversation about it. I definitely let him know that he lost my trust, but that got twisted on his end to my lack of trust being my own fault and him telling me that I need to get over the whole situation. He says he did what I asked and stopped communicating with her, but he didn't really and completely until he got laid off. He kept giving excuses that he just HAD to contact her after hours because of work. He showed me some of those texts, but had an "explanation" for every single one, even the ones that were blatantly over-friendly.
He still thinks I buy this line of crap, but we can't get ever get 1 minute into a discussion about it before his anger puts an end to it. So we dropped it and tried to move on.
He did not give me his passwords. I just know the 3-4 passwords he normally uses, so I could get into his FB account if I wanted (I know, I'm a wicked wife). I didn't have to snoop on this though. His re-friending her showed up on one of our other friend's news feeds that I was reading today. He made sure that it didn't show up in my news feed and he's been closing FB if I walk by his desk. He's definitely trying to sneak this by me.
I am actually afraid to confront him because it will be just another big screaming match in front of the kids.
So no consequence, no problems, behavior continues.
Take the kids out of the equation and set them up some were for the evening and let him know you will not tolorate his behavior and his anger.
consequence for anger #1 the police, #2 he leaves, #3 he doesn't return.
consequence for EA #1 you expose it, #2 he leaves, #3 he doen't return.
A match requires two people, do not get sucked into screaming. Take control of your self and how you act, for now that is all you have control over. Your H has your number so show him a new person, come up with a plan and work the plan. Hopfuly this will throw him off guard enough to see that he is losing you.
You can always try jealousy, start flirting on face book and see how he likes it. Thats a joke! Two wrong won't fix this marriage, but consequences will, and he has suffered none, back then and now. So please, to repair this and prevent this from the future, do not be affraid. Be strong and confident that you will survive this with or with out him, and give him something that will wake him up called tough love.
Thank you, the guy. You are right. There were never any consequences because I've always been afraid. I'm not that person in other parts of my life. Why should I be that now?
Just the other night, my parents offered to take the kids one weekend soon. So I'm going to take them up on that offer in a couple of weeks. I'm just going to have to tell him to unfriend her, take her number out of his cell phone, take her email out of his contacts. Me or her - whether he thinks it's justified or not.
Then, I'm going out with MY friends that night!
I only have 2 questions - why would he start it back now with her? and if it ever comes down to it (worst case scenario), what if he refuses to leave?
He won't even talk about the EA when it first happen, he's not talking about it now.
For me I dismissed my DW and never really opened up the issue. since we never talked about it we never learned from it. So you most likely don,t even know why = repairing the marriage and not letting behaviors to repeat. She slept with alot of guy, this started 13 years ago and 13 years ago we never really took it head on. Well 11 month ago I cracked open a can of worms I will never truly recover from.
Something is missing in the marraige, the both of you never leared what, so it continues again.
Well regarding the anger issue.. most likely if you are affraid and the police are called they will make him leave or errest him.
And regarding the issue with his EA, it sound like he will get angry , you will be affraid and the police will ask him to leave.
I quess the bottom line is if he insists on having contract with OW you can always expose it.
Powerbane, I know it's disrespectful. He still refuses to admit it was an emotional affair, even though our friend told him that's exactly what it was in their conversation. That's where the screaming matches come in. He refuses to admit the truth. He always turns it back on me - I'm crazy, I'm making things up, I'm making a big something out of nothing.
In reality, I don't have a problem with him being friends with other women. He has many women friends on FB, all of which I know - family friends, his friends' wives/girlfriends, current coworkers, high school friends, etc. I don't mind them because they never, never have the flirtation he did with this OW (again, something he refuses to admit). The thing is, I know these other women and even have most of them as friends on FB and know them personally too, but he hides this "friendship" from me. So I just randomly picked this b*tch out of the lot of his female friends to make a stink about? I think not.
With that said, I suggest you get a copy of his contact with OW. I think once you can get the proof of the flirtatious messeges, then you have something to show him and other.
Thats a big step, getting something in print that says "I love you" or some thing sexual in nature, is an eye opener and it gives you some thing to bring to the table.
Some proof that you are not crazy and that this marriage needs help. So get some proof. Finding something that he can not deny and has to face up to. This will bring him to the table to talk and admit to, and finding out what that void is that keeps bringing him do those bad behaviors.
FB is the WORST for people with bad habits - like betraying their marraige partner.
When my H ended his affair I cancelled his FB account - and he was glad. I let him know not just that I wasn't going to tolerate it, but that no one was to 'have access to my man.' This might sound Jerry Singer Show-ish... but do you know what... my husband appreciated it. He said I was crazy when I checked out his page and told him that I wanted to friend anyone he was friends with so I could see that was happening. He 'threatened' back - "fine I'll quit FB." Fine. He did and that is one HUGE relief for me.
Take the plunge. Tell him no way. He might want to know that you will go Jerry Springer on anyone who threatens your marriage again... because you love him too much for that to happen. See?
If even with this passion and energy he still pushes you...
then my friend, you have more to worry about. Again, he will at first tell you you're crazy, etc... but if you also are sure to express your passion for him and your marriage, hell appreciate it.
That's my two cents. Please update us again. Good luck.