A few weeks ago I learned my H cheated on me, the OW then told him she was pregnant. First she said she wasn't going to keep it. My H came to me and said he will do anything to fix this with me and told the OW he wants nothing to do with her or the baby. Now she said she's keeping it - we don't know if she's telling the truth or if it's even his... she's married too. We both feel like she is saying these things to try and keep my H in her life.
There is a lot my H and I have to figure out - I know I want to try to work things out but I don't think I can if there is a child involved. Just really confused and looking for thoughts. Thanks.
I'm guessing you don't have children together? Had he told her he was done cheating? Have you spoken to her husband? This is a big mess. Are you going to be able to get past this? Let's say there is no child involved and he says he's done cheating. Would you be able to live happily after that? How long did he cheat? How many times has this happened? Will it happen again? I would suggest you go get counseling, and decide where your heart is. I'm sorry you're going through this. Infidelity is such a heart stabber.
I'm sorry you are in this predicament! This is a great place to get advice, help and education...
You title your thread 'Don't know what to do'. First off, keep in mind that all anyone can do on here is offer things for you to consider. In the end, you must make that decision yourself.
Your dilemma:
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...I know I want to try to work things out but I don't think I can if there is a child involved....
In order to come to a decision, you have to sort through all the data involved - so, here are some questions to help:
Why does the existence of a child make a difference?
What would the existence of this child mean to your marriage?
How would this problem be handled?
Is the child in any way to blame for the trouble?
The child obviously is not to blame, however I know I am not ready for children and don't know how I can bring myself to raise someone elses. I know I love him and we have discussed counceling but I know there are so many things to consider.
After some discussion with my H, I am having a hard time believing that this OW child's is his, the things she is telling him do not make sense or match the supposid timeline. I know I am having a great deal of trust in what he says, but he said it was just the one time and he messed up. She does not live near here and based on things I already knew I feel I can believe that. Am I fooling myself and just filled with wishful thinking?
The child obviously is not to blame, however I know I am not ready for children and don't know how I can bring myself to raise someone elses. I know I love him and we have discussed counceling but I know there are so many things to consider.
It is highly unlikely that you would be 'raising' someone else's child - you aren't adopting this child, are you? Most likely the reality of the situation is that you will be paying some support for your husband's child. At the most, you'd see the child perhaps half of the time. A lot of people deal with this regularly.
This is not an attempt to get you to choose one way or another - it is simply a pointing out of data to use to make a more informed decision.
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Am I fooling myself and just filled with wishful thinking?
Possibly, but there is also the possibility that the child IS his - it would do you much better to be prepared for this, and demand a paternity test as soon as possible.
I would not adopt this child, it's just coming to terms with the situation and if I feel I can handle it and be part of it. He has already told the OW he wants a paternity test and has talked things through with his dad about how to word documents involving custody pending the test. He also asked her to have the dr. send proof that she really is pregnant and how far along she really is. I know I need to be prepared if this is true, can't wish it away - but I'm still hoping in the back of my mind that she is just that awful of a person and playing a nasty trick. I know, a long shot and probably kidding myself. There's a lot I still need to sort out for myself.
Maybe it would help if you wrote down a plan so that it stops racing thru your head. Try writing an out line on a piece of paper on how and what you will do if the child is his. Then when you find out it is not his.. just throw it away. maybe an out line with different options to all the variables that would occure if the kid is his.
This way you can put the paper away and stay focused on repairing the marriage. 9 months is along time to have this issue running wild in your head. Just get a plan on paper and deal with it when the kid is born.
I appreciate that - I like the idea of writing things out. 9 months is a long time as you said, the marriage is the most important thing, but I also don't know how to move forward yet with this hanging over my head as well.
Need some more advice - I asked my H to stop all contact with the OW for a while so we can focus on us. I foind out last night he is constantly texting her and didn't tell me. He says it's because she has questions about things. I asked last week to tell her there will be no contact until he receives confirmation from a Dr. that one, she is actually pregnant, and two, the estimated time of conseption. I know it can't be exact but this woman is very hard to believe - her statements don't make sense and contradict at times.
Do I keep trying and see if he will really stop talking - he is clearly convinced this baby is his - even though she's married too, does not live near here, and clearly has made poor choices in the past since her other kids all have different fathers.
Now I'm just venting but I'm feeling lost and really don't feel I have anyone to turn to right now. His dad knows about the affair and baby and I want to talk with him, but i'm worried he'll just defend his son.
I would talk to anyone you trust and can get advice from. His actions went out of the marriage, your advice seeking can too. Mind you... it may not lead to a happy resolution for you personally. That he is still texting her constantly is VERY worrying. He's a bull****ter. Sorry. Trust yourself. Get whatever thoughts you need from anyone. Sounds to me like the notion that there is a pregnancy is keeping you softer on the fact that your H has completely killed your trust. You're focusing on everyone else. Guess what. Its your time for yourself. Don't rush yourself, take the time you need to think this through. But this will be with you the rest of your life in some way or another. I am so sorry you are in the situation. Good luck.
Heart is racing right now - H just text me that the OW saw the dr and has results - he told her she need to have them send her proof that she truely is pregnant. I sitll don't believe it's his and I think she's feeding him lines just to convince him. She told him it was a boy... but according to her she just found out she was a few weeks along, how can you even know the gender yet! Now she's arguing with him that she wants to fax the results, why?
Sorry - more venting then anything. I am not a mother and don't have many friends who are yet, but I'm not dumb and some of the things she is saying do not fit - I feel like she is just stringing him along to try and keep him in her life even though he has told her whether or not this child is his she will never mean anything to him.
Hey Snowy,
I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles, Tanelornpete and the others are offering some truly sensible advice.
You obviously love your H and it seems that he loves you too, that is such a relief to hear as it means that at least you have a starting point.
The txt messaging does have to stop and that is something that your husband HAS to take control off. Please don't be fooled by your trust and love for him. If he genuinely wants to rebuild your marriage and trust he will cut her off no questions asked.
I must say that my instincts tell me that she is playing him for a sucker and probably wants to see if she can get him to be financial support for her. Your correct about the "how can she know it's a boy already if it's just a few weeks"
I must agree with some of what stillINshock says about what is best for you as a woman. Will it be easy to overcome this - no way but - Is it possible certainly. BUT please consider if you are in the right place with your husband - I know it's harsh especially knowing that you want to work things out.
The question of what the OW's H thinks about all this is burning in my thoughts, if she has told him surely he has a notion as to whether it's his child or not. (assuming that she is pregnant)
It's not going to be easy whilst the doubt is still in your head about is your H still in contact with her. Seems that you may be quite young reading the posts, and relationships are for a lifetime if you get them right! If it IS worth the fight for him let him know that you guys have to do this together.
Trust is everything in a marriage and though it's not impossible to get over this the 2 of you need to make that one thing (trust) a priority now...
Thank you Mayfairjaz, and everyone else - I am so tempted to find the OW's H info and let him know what is going on. What lead to my H and this OW talking was she was reaching out to people saying her H is abusive. I have no idea if this is true and she told my H she was serving him divorce papers... again, no idea if this is true. But if it is, I could not live with myself if he did do something to her or her other children. I know I have a problem worrying about others before myself - just another thing I don't know what to do about.
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Don't know what to do 
