Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-10-2011, 05:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

Some things from my wife's time working and studying overseas prior to our marriage have never quite added up for me. These things led me to conclude with a level of certainty that she cheated on me during these younger, partying times. At the time she flatly denied it and although I was a little jealous and questioning, I did not pursue it too strongly.

Fast forward to many years later. Some time ago she came close twice to admitting this cheating but backed off after she got scared (e.g. could i handle it, etc?). These near admissions came during a time of great intimacy when we were visiting this 'taboo' topic together and it excited us both. I am afraid to bring this up again as I want the time to be right and don't want to constantly bombard her with what seems like accusations but rather make her feel comfortable to share it with me and make sure she is comfortable that I am ok with it.

I want her very badly to open up to me about this. My feelings toward it are pretty complex and mixed but I feel that her not telling me inhibits our level of intimacy. We've always been very open with each other about our sexual pasts prior to meeting and both agreed that, for better or worse, this is important part of what makes someone who they are. Considering that she has started to be honest but then held back and then reverted to flat denial, I constantly think about this and I'm frustrated that she's so closed on this after opening up part way.

what can I do to get her to open up and tell me? forgetting about it is not a good option for me as I can't get it out of my mind.
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Old 01-10-2011, 06:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

I'm not saying she did or didn't, but unless you have hard proof, and I don't mean X told me that you did YYYYY, you really don't know anything.

If those couple times were moments of "great intimacy", maybe she was talking fantasy.
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Old 01-10-2011, 07:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

Has she been trustworthy since? I know it's eating you up, but I would leave it in the past.
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Old 01-10-2011, 07:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

Has you relationship been satisfying and happy for all these years (how many). Do you have children and has she been a good mother supportive wife? Have you been happy up until now?

I hate cheaters, my Dad cheated on my Mother for their whole marriage up until the day he died at 67. I also think that the deceived person deserves to know so they can make the decision to stay or go.

In your situation so much time has elapsed and your relationship is apparently loving and passionate. Ask your self why are you obsessed with this now? After the passage of so much time, do you want to upset what is a good marriage?

Could you forgive what may have been a youthful stupid act. She has repented by giving you many good years and she is ashamed of what she did. it may be time to let it go.
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Old 01-10-2011, 08:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

From my own experience I found that you 1st need to convience her you can handle it. The pain of not knowing is worse then the acts them selves. Bewarn make sure you can handle it.

By doing this I told my wife that I found it exciting ( the swinging thing), interesting ( all most adventurous) and I wanted to learn from her experiences (what guy turned her on).

See, they always want to know why you need to know, so those are some of the three things that I used. That and the simple fact that my imagination was eating me up and I needed the know the hole story so that I can get rid of those image's of circus clowns, miggets, and gangbang. Does that make sence? The vision you have in your mind is not what really went on, so she needs to clear it up with the reality of it. I personaly could not move on with out those ugly details.

The next important thing is the promises, can you make the promise not to leave her for telling, not to hold it against her when you have a fight. Can you promise that no matter what she tells you that you will be there for her and that leaving her is not the point but to get this information and put it to rest, in addition to getting it off her chest and put it truely behind her and the relationship. This is hanging in the back of your mind and you want it out in the open so as to move on with her. Can you promise that to her and still except her affair or affairs in my case.

So if you can commit to those promises now you can see if she will answer the that one question. I recommend you talk about the why you need to know and the promise's you will keep. Then let her know that you want an answer.... say the following day. This will give her time to do some soul searching and figure out exactly what and how to tell you.

I understand that alls you want is if she cheated, but that will lead to wanting to know more. So that has to be faced and discussed. With that said it will be truelly painfull to admit such an evil act.. the humilation and guilt is a hard pill to swollow. Put your self in her shoes and imagine having to fes up to a wrong that you did. A wrong so bad its mention in the bible, and there are even laws against it.

So for me I gave my wife the time she needed and excepted some of her ONS were so awful that something were not worth discussing, but on the other hand I did need to know some things that I let her be a little vage on.

It is a tough act so don't push but give a fair warning that you need to know and the consequence for her past behavior is now she has to come clean and discuss the ugly truth so that this can be brought out and be be done with, putting your mind and hers to rest.

Good luck and be careful what you wish for.
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Old 01-11-2011, 02:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

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Originally Posted by MrDude View Post
I'm not saying she did or didn't, but unless you have hard proof, and I don't mean X told me that you did YYYYY, you really don't know anything.

If those couple times were moments of "great intimacy", maybe she was talking fantasy.
Yes, there is a very small chance that this is the case but I know her very well and I know that she was wanting/trying to tell me something when she started to tell me.
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Old 01-11-2011, 02:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Has you relationship been satisfying and happy for all these years (how many). Do you have children and has she been a good mother supportive wife? Have you been happy up until now?

I hate cheaters, my Dad cheated on my Mother for their whole marriage up until the day he died at 67. I also think that the deceived person deserves to know so they can make the decision to stay or go.

In your situation so much time has elapsed and your relationship is apparently loving and passionate. Ask your self why are you obsessed with this now? After the passage of so much time, do you want to upset what is a good marriage?

Could you forgive what may have been a youthful stupid act. She has repented by giving you many good years and she is ashamed of what she did. it may be time to let it go.
This is not about staying or going. I would never go because of this. I do not want to 'upset a good marriage'..I want to make it more intimate and honest. Of course, nothing is without risk.

why am I obsessed with this now after so many years of not really giving it any thought? Good question and pretty complicated. See the guy's response, I think he understands.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Well i guess you need to let it go and work on yourself to forget it , if you think she will tell by herself give her a hand , but don't push to it , you need to learn how to be ready , lots of details about that could detroy you , you need to be ready to hear it , she knows it's hard that's why she is thinking alot about it and back off when she think she is ready , cuz simply she is a fraid you are not ready .

since it's been years on that , just give her all the time she want , and help her when she is ready without pushing.

after all i guess telling or not telling will not change things to better and it could drive your relation to wrong direction , remember you will need years to learn to how to forget these details .... at least this is my openion .
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Old 01-11-2011, 04:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

Having been down this road, I believe I have some understanding, so thanks.

shadz made a good point with regard to which direction your relationship will go. That is somewhat what I speak about when it comes to promises that you make. If she does tell you she slept with someone can you keep that promise of not leaving her? Or will it destroy you? If I'm not mistaken this did happen a few years ago and It may be easier to handle, but only you no that for sure.
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Old 01-12-2011, 06:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice. I think you have had a somewhat similar experience. My wife fully shared her sexual history covering the time before we met so there are already a full set of images in my head. They sexually excite me and make me a little uncomfortable on the other hand. That confused mix of feelings stirs passion. I think swinging is a more extreme form of this but that's not for us.

Her cheating is taboo for us both and we are drawn to it but she can't go through with telling me.

I would not leave her for cheating on me before marriage and I don't feel that I'm a victim. What she might tell me could be shocking but I will be ok with it. The challenge is to get her to be honest and move forward with it. Not exactly sure why it matters so much to me, it just does.
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Old 01-12-2011, 09:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting Wife to Be Honest about Cheating

couple.
Thats what I was looking for, "taboo". We are also not into swinging. What I should have said was "the taboo thing".

So you are getting were I am coming from. Bottom line it is a uncomfortable thing to discuss. So just keep trying different ways to get her to open up.

I'm quessing it matter b/c you have pictures flashing in your head that need to be cleared up so they go away.
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