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My wife cheated now she's confused on what she wants

104K views 295 replies 70 participants last post by  OldWolf57 
#1 ·
Hi everyone, and thanks in advance. I'm new here and unfortunately for a bad reason.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. We've traveled the world, bought homes, survived tragedies, and overcome dealing with her parents divorce 3 days after our honeymoon. We've been through a lot and have always stuck together..... until recently.

I don't believe in infidelity, and I do believe that all marriages will work if both sides put forth an honest effort. My wife's view on these things has been clouded.

After several years of building resentment on her side, she finally crashed at the beginning of June. I have always preached openness and honesty and she has never had an easy time expressing herself. So instead of coming to me or going for help she decided to become vulnerable with a co-worker going through a similar situation. Which culminated with them kissing in his car during lunch a few weeks back.

I pulled this out of her last week and we have since gone to counseling twice, to choose which counselor we like, and we are going for a 2nd session tonight with the 1 we picked.

I made her leave for several days, but she has since moved back in(because she felt more comfortable at home). She stopped communicating with him but has admitted that she still thinks about him.

Through the 4 hours of counseling that we have had, we have both begun to understand why our relationship turned sour and how we need to start fixing it. I am committed to do doing so. I admitted my faults and changed philosophies I've had my entire life right in front of her eyes because I realized they were hurting her.

I'm not sure what her intentions are. She said she still loves me and she's going to counseling because she doesn't want to give up on this. She has seen who I really am and feels bad for ever doubting my intentions. She does now see that I love her unconditionally even though she didn't feel like that before.

As of now, she doesn't know what she wants. That's what I have a hard time with. I've spent more time talking to her this week, than she's spent talking to him in their whole relationship. Yet, our history, love, potential, can't outweigh a meaningless trist.

I've done my research and I know why she feels the way she does, but when/how does she find out what she wants?

We still live together, we talk everyday, we eat dinner together, we sometimes sleep together, we hug and kiss each day, we still have intimate interactions. Yet, none of that opens her eyes.

I have no doubt what she's experiencing with this other person was to temporarily fill a void that I wasn't. Nothing more. I know what that is now and I'm filling it! I can see the way she looks at me and cries with me. She's just so confused that she can't separate right from wrong. I know that's killing her inside.

But how long do I wait? At what point does indecision become a decision? How can I help her see what's right?

Who has some good insight? I NEED IT!
 
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#231 ·
I'm hoping he reports back soon. Short of losing a child, this is probably the worst news someone can receive. His head could be spinning a thousand miles an hour, he may not even be thinking right now to report back in to an anonymous Internet forum.
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#233 ·
I just went through the stages of wanting to help the OP, down through annoyance right into pity.

Op, I'm going to call you Beta Man. No disrespect, but you seem to have a great knack of coming up with an excuse not to do anything, and toss everyone's advice out the window.

Who can honestly respect a man that has no self respect for himself? That's where your headed. Right past pity to the bottom of the pit where apathy hangs out, usually with the OM.
 
#246 ·
I personally find it hard to recommend ever staying with a cheater. I know I am biased and its because I am still suffering from things that happened to me in my past but I really feel the success rate of R is like 5%. I also understand as a BS were did not get the same advantage to pull back our feelings our WS's did so it makes it extremely hard just to walk away.

I feel horrible for the BS's. Its almost sometimes like reliving the same experience all over again.

Clay
 
#261 ·
:iagree:

This long without an update is usually bad news, otherwise, he would have been back right away to confirm that what his WW said was true: that it was only a kiss.

But we all know what trickle truth is and how much they lie. There are threads and threads on here about WW's who only claimed it was a kiss/kissing. As if they are in high school or something. :rolleyes:

I think the most unbelievable one I've ever read here was the story where the WW told her BH, that she was in a bathroom stall with OM, that he was already inside her, she decided she didn't want to go through with it and told him to pull out and he did. Yeah, right.
 
#251 ·
OP

if you love her "unconditionally" - that may be a big part of the problem. stop that!
there is nothing noble about loving a spouse without conditions (e.g. that it is returned). it only makes you very vulnerable to exploitation, humiliation etc. at their hands. Love for one's children is unconditional. not the spouse. Not ever
 
#254 ·
This is incorrect. But not why you might think.

Marriage is a contract 2 love one another. Obviously contracts are conditional on the partners holding up their end of the bargain. But there's no reason you can't love your spouse unconditionally at the same time you love them romantically and within the confines of an exclusive marital relationship.

Where people get in2 trouble, of course, is exactly what you describe. One spouse takes advantage of the other's fairyland conception of what unconditional love means and exploit them with it. Obviously (I certainly hope), using people isn't unconditional anything. Nor is allowing one's self 2 be used.

-ol' 2long
 
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#258 ·
I think that OMW revealed that this was A LOT worse than he had been led to believe by his WW.

His world is probably in total chaos right now.

It seems probable on the timeline his WW provided that the A only stopped cause OMW discovered several weeks ago, and OP's WW was hoping to spin a story for her BH to protect both OM and herself from his anger at the betrayal.
 
#259 ·
This OM sounds like a pathetic coward loser, he said that his married is already in bad condition anyway so instead of fixing it or divorce his solution is to lie to his wife and have an affair with MW ? :confused: (i wish there's a throw up smiley here)
 
#274 ·
I must have missed the no children part. I must be getting slow. In that case....
We asked, but I don't think he ever said one way or the other. But since it was never mentioned I assumed no kids.

Not sure he is coming back at this point anyway... We will see
 
#275 ·
That's because he found out from OMW that it was much, much worse that what WW trickle truthed to him.

Kissing in the car? Yeah, right. We have to see this over, and over, and over again. Juveniles kiss, adults have sex.
 
#276 ·
The OP said that the OM's BS said that it was much more than kissing I believe.

I have to wonder if the OM confessed to every type of sexual act that he did with the OP's WS. OP meets the OM's stbxw and she tells him all the horrid details.

He realizes that his WS did things with the OM that she never had done with him. He may have even asked her, begged her, to do them. But her stance was "I'm not that kind of girl". So he drops it.

Now he finds out that she really is IS "That kind of girl". Just not with him.

It's tough to come back here, even anonymously, and talk about what his WS really did. You just want to crawl into bed and never wake up again.

The waking nightmare begins and your life is forever changed.
 
#278 ·
The OP said that the OM's BS said that it was much more than kissing I believe.

I have to wonder if the OM confessed to every type of sexual act that he did with the OP's WS. OP meets the OM's stbxw and she tells him all the horrid details.

He realizes that his WS did things with the OM that she never had done with him. He may have even asked her, begged her, to do them. But her stance was "I'm not that kind of girl". So he drops it.

Now he finds out that she really is IS "That kind of girl". Just not with him.
The script is so predictable, isn't it?
 
#277 ·
I just hope the OP didn't find out the true extent of his WW's betrayal and then lose it so bad he ended up in the pokey for smashing the POSOM like a bug.

Not cause I give a da*n about POS, he deserves anything that OP sends his way....but it would be far worse for OP if he has to worry about legal troubles on top of the sh*t sandwich his WW has just crammed down his throat.
 
#281 ·
Haha, I totally forgot about this thread. I hate to open something that's dead, but I thought I would update everyone. Plus I got a good chuckle reading the last few pages!

Yes, they had sex. Lots of it. In my house, calling "off sick". She became a real cum dumpster. Unprotected sex with 2 men simultaneously. Needless to say, I had my share of STD tests and I'm luckily clean. It continued after she told me she was doing it, and I kicked her out and filed for divorce.

It was clean and easy and I moved on and forgave her. I made peace with what she did and why she did it. I made peace with myself and what damage I caused during the marriage. I'm a better person for it and have learned, and keep learning from my mistakes.

I'm now in a very happy and healthy relationship with a woman who is strong and independent, and maintains a higher moral code as I do.

I want to thank everyone (a year later) who posted and supported me in this thread. Without you guys I may have never found out the awful truth. With your help, I found out my way, and was able to take control of the situation and end it on my terms.

Thanks again!
 
#285 · (Edited)
she decided to become vulnerable with a co-worker going through a similar situation. Which culminated with them kissing in his car during lunch a few weeks back.

I pulled this out of her last week
So much for just kissing....

She became a real cum dumpster. Unprotected sex with 2 men simultaneously.
If you don't mind OP, I'm going to bookmark this thread for future reference so every time a new BS comes on here and says he is "positive" they just kissed, because the wife said so and she would never lie, I can reference this quote.

Thanks for the update.
 
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