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My wife cheated now she's confused on what she wants

104K views 295 replies 70 participants last post by  OldWolf57 
#1 ·
Hi everyone, and thanks in advance. I'm new here and unfortunately for a bad reason.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. We've traveled the world, bought homes, survived tragedies, and overcome dealing with her parents divorce 3 days after our honeymoon. We've been through a lot and have always stuck together..... until recently.

I don't believe in infidelity, and I do believe that all marriages will work if both sides put forth an honest effort. My wife's view on these things has been clouded.

After several years of building resentment on her side, she finally crashed at the beginning of June. I have always preached openness and honesty and she has never had an easy time expressing herself. So instead of coming to me or going for help she decided to become vulnerable with a co-worker going through a similar situation. Which culminated with them kissing in his car during lunch a few weeks back.

I pulled this out of her last week and we have since gone to counseling twice, to choose which counselor we like, and we are going for a 2nd session tonight with the 1 we picked.

I made her leave for several days, but she has since moved back in(because she felt more comfortable at home). She stopped communicating with him but has admitted that she still thinks about him.

Through the 4 hours of counseling that we have had, we have both begun to understand why our relationship turned sour and how we need to start fixing it. I am committed to do doing so. I admitted my faults and changed philosophies I've had my entire life right in front of her eyes because I realized they were hurting her.

I'm not sure what her intentions are. She said she still loves me and she's going to counseling because she doesn't want to give up on this. She has seen who I really am and feels bad for ever doubting my intentions. She does now see that I love her unconditionally even though she didn't feel like that before.

As of now, she doesn't know what she wants. That's what I have a hard time with. I've spent more time talking to her this week, than she's spent talking to him in their whole relationship. Yet, our history, love, potential, can't outweigh a meaningless trist.

I've done my research and I know why she feels the way she does, but when/how does she find out what she wants?

We still live together, we talk everyday, we eat dinner together, we sometimes sleep together, we hug and kiss each day, we still have intimate interactions. Yet, none of that opens her eyes.

I have no doubt what she's experiencing with this other person was to temporarily fill a void that I wasn't. Nothing more. I know what that is now and I'm filling it! I can see the way she looks at me and cries with me. She's just so confused that she can't separate right from wrong. I know that's killing her inside.

But how long do I wait? At what point does indecision become a decision? How can I help her see what's right?

Who has some good insight? I NEED IT!
 
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#282 · (Edited)
Let every potential BS who still has his or her head in the sand take note of this...

Just kissing? R un sure? She seems to be in the fog, ask her about om feeling and last contact.
Sorry to tell but could be much more than you think
Yes, I'm sure. She's been very honest with me since she told me, and I've asked a lot of questions. I had no idea she was cheating and she came out and told me. I just knew she was having issues and seeing a counselor by herself.
she comes home straight after work and spends the whole night with me....she has a busy job and while im not blind to the fact she still has time to mess around at work.... her job doesn't facilitate that now that shes been missing days for being "sick"(upset) and coming in late due to little sleep from talking with me
Haha, I totally forgot about this thread. I hate to open something that's dead, but I thought I would update everyone. Plus I got a good chuckle reading the last few pages!

Yes, they had sex. Lots of it. In my house, calling "off sick". She became a real cum dumpster. Unprotected sex with 2 men simultaneously. Needless to say, I had my share of STD tests and I'm luckily clean. It continued after she told me she was doing it, and I kicked her out and filed for divorce.

It was clean and easy and I moved on and forgave her. I made peace with what she did and why she did it. I made peace with myself and what damage I caused during the marriage. I'm a better person for it and have learned, and keep learning from my mistakes.

I'm now in a very happy and healthy relationship with a woman who is strong and independent, and maintains a higher moral code as I do.

I want to thank everyone (a year later) who posted and supported me in this thread. Without you guys I may have never found out the awful truth. With your help, I found out my way, and was able to take control of the situation and end it on my terms.

Thanks again!
ETA: I was just reading one of Mach's replies from earlier in the thread.

Damn.

It's like reading poetry.
 
#3 ·
I see a lot of you waiting around for HER to make a decision. What about you? What do you want? Are you willing to forgive her? You sure his was only kissing or did you dig alittle deeper? Did you out this other guy to his spouse? My point is In the short time stop worrying about her and control what you can which is what you do and how you are going to move forward. If you want to reconcile fine make a plan and tell her what you need her to do.

Be cautious my friend if she makes the decision your not hoping for you may come home to an empty house and 1/2 your accounts emptied best case scenario
 
#5 ·
I want to make it work. The guy she cheated with is most likely headed for a divorce because his wife also knows. That's the last my wife knew of it because she hasn't spoken with him since she fessed up.

So I know what I want, to fix things... but she doesn't know what she wants.
 
#8 ·
So this other guy is also married?
You need to contact his wife but do not tell your wife.
You need to get a voice activated recorder and stick it in her car and one for the house.
Just remember you can't "nice" her out of this.
Like what wolf said what do YOU want.
If you have a joint bank account take half out and open one in your name only.
Protect yourself.
 
#15 ·
Ask your WW that information. She needs to be open, truthful, and honest from this point forward, in order for your M to even have a chance of coming back from this.

It also makes it all the worse if she still works with him and he is getting a divorce. He knows they have a connection and now no longer has a reason to stop and hide it. I would be pushing for her to seek other employment, as they seem to have too much tme to meet and confide in each other. If it truly was just a kiss, then something more must have went on with him (meaning this is not his first ride at the rodeo or something along that way) that his wife would be divorcing over a kiss. Some people I realize have such a low breaking point of tolerance, but I think there is more than meets the eye here.
 
#19 ·
Check her cell and text records. Is she an open book? Get his phone number and do a google search and check it on spokeo.com.

If she has told you everything it would probably be a first here. 99% of the time, just a kiss means sex.

Odds are this is the tip of a huge iceberg.

If they are still working together the a attraction won't die. No contact has to be absolute. It sounds like all your info is unreliable.
 
#21 ·
she comes home straight after work and spends the whole night with me....she has a busy job and while im not blind to the fact she still has time to mess around at work.... her job doesn't facilitate that now that shes been missing days for being "sick"(upset) and coming in late due to little sleep from talking with me
 
#24 ·
This means nothing. She still gets lunches and breaks. I thought the same about my WW and not having anytime, as she was always home immediately after work, was an elementary teacher, so she was with her class all day, even lunches and worked with very few men. What I found is that she took vacation a few days to meet the APs, yet left and returned as normal and even said she was going to and at work those days she did this. I also found she was emailing all day long, all night, and talking to them on the phone at every opportunity (heck she would get up in the middle of the night when I was sleeping to talk and text/ chat with the APs). She has never been involved with anyone from her school or profession. All of the APs lived out of state even and she found a way to make it happen. If she had little shame to be "kissing" someone not her spouse in a parking lot in front of her work (where I bet that most know they both were married and not to each other especially) , then she very easily could have no issue taking it further.
 
#23 ·
You are handling this entire thing the wrong way!

You need a plan. I will try to help you out. Wake up in the middle of the night tonight while she is still asleep; make sure she’s in deep sleep. Slowly walk towards her purse, carefully open it up, unzip the side pocket on the inside of the purse and gently remove your testicles from her purse before she wakes up. Sheesh!

You’re using euphemisms to excuse her cheating. Saying things like “I know she cheated to fill a void” or “it was my fault, I wasn’t a good husband”. The truth is, she cheated because she was probably horny and thought you would not find out.

Oh, she just kissed him huh? This isn’t high school son, Cheating adults in a car in the parking lot, don’t just kiss! Search the threads about trick truth!

The fact that you just found out she has betrayed you and lied to you, yet you’re the one begging to make it work shows her that you are a wimp and that you have no problem being the backup option.

Get this through your head, she cheated on you because you’re probably less desirable to her than the other guy. You need to put your foot down and respect yourself. She is in no position to be dictating to you how this marriage will work. You need to be setting the rules as to how you move forward from here on. Only then will she respect you as a man.
 
#25 ·
"Just Kissed". I didn't even get that. They were "good friends". She had "fallen for him" but "nothing happened".

Then I got "Just kissed once in the car".

This, apparently, is code for "prolonged sex sessions up to 3 times a week for 2 and a half years".

Get your head out of the sand, OP, they could be doing it in the lunch hour. She could be taking half days off (what my ex-colleague did when she was having an affair).

They are ADULTS. They never, ever, ever, "just kiss".

It's him or you. This is YOUR choice, not hers.
 
#26 ·
OP, looks like you're on the way to a good ole fashion rug sweeping on this one. I'm doubling down 2 black chips there is more happening here.

You're ready to be open and honest. You're ready to forget the past and show your wife what a good guy you are and what she is missing out with. If she would only listen and see.....right? You desperately want to believe her story. You desperately want things to be the way they were. You're hurt and feeling so humiliated and emasculated that you're pretty much willing to forgive and forget - just to get back to "normalcy." I know this because I've been in your shoes. It's about to get rough, Hoss. I'm going to suggest some things you probably don't want to hear. Strap in.

I think you're being "trickle truthed." Cheaters only cop to what they think you may already know and then will start giving you the truth in little trickles or batches. You believe she told you out of a guilty conscience. I bet his wife find out and they were threatening to tell you, so she confessed a little bit.

Watch her actions. Her intent is in her actions. Her words are meaningless now. If she is distant and doesn't want to commit right now, that says a lot about how she views you. You seem to be plan B for her. She will essentially blame you for not meeting her needs and a whole slew of other scripted reasons that she can justify straying. In order to keep the peace, you'll shoulder the blame and start working single handedly on changing yourself and working to improve the marriage. Watch her, though. My guess is she will half-heartedly participate, but at the same time keep her options open to this OM. You will see it and try to compete with him. This is further emasculating and humiliating.

My recommendation is to have her fully disclose the relationship with OM. I'd ask his wife too to compare notes. You will not want to do this. It is easier to keep your "recovery" on the rails by not creating waves. You will see her flare up if you get to close to the truth. Prepare to be gaslighted. Prepared to be lied to.

Make sure you read the CWI intro stickie. Lots of information.

Read a lot of threads here and see how familiar your tale is.

Here to support,

HL
 
#27 ·
Sorry you are going through this.

Stop sleeping with her. At least wear a condom.

I've had sex in a car before. It's not ideal. But it can be done. During a lunch break. Heck I usually only need 5 minutes and that still leave 55 minutes for Ramen noodles. ;). So when she says they just kissed -- exercise caution.

You need to get his full name. Now do you know his wife is aware and they are now separating? Because your wife told you? Confirm on your own that other wife knows. If she doesn't know - make her aware.

Follow WEIGHTLIFTER's advise above. What kind of phone does she have?

VAR up under her seat in the car. Check online cell phone bill records.
Grab her phone when she is showering, or asleep, or doing number 2.

She's head over heels for him but they just kissed? Hmmmm...

Finally, you say she came home because she is more comfortable at home? Her comfort shouldn't be your primary concern at this point. But, easier to watch her at least.
 
#28 ·
I am going for the nuts on this. She is trying to decide on plan A which is the other guy and plan B which is you. She does not have to decide because you have been a nice guy.

Did you expose your WW's PA to her family and yours? Did you expose to the OM's wife?

I am betting no. You cannot be a nice guy and in your case a beta and have a good R.

You have to come to grips that your wife has ended the marriage, trust is gone it is dead, you maybe able to build a new marriage but that will be up to her as well as you

You need to expose the A to all parties, Talk with the OM's wife because I am certain it was more than a kiss. A Kiss usually means they have had sex,

I am not buying the EA just a kiss thing. That is not what happens with adults that cross the line
 
#36 ·
OP

Your response is the most undesirable thing your wife can want. Wimpy, soggy, unsure with a tad of zero confidence.

Step up to your role as a man. She will respond. Stop already with the Beta traits.

Get a pair. Take action. See the OMW, 180,

Get rid of your marbles and start playing chess to her checkers.
 
#37 ·
She does now see that I love her unconditionally even though she didn't feel like that before.
She cheated on you when she thought she might get in trouble for doing it. Now she has been reassured by you that you will always love her no matter what she does.

Why should she stop cheating?

The guy she cheated with is most likely headed for a divorce because his wife also knows.
The OM is getting a divorce because he only “kissed another woman in his car during lunch a few weeks back.” His wife must be very strict. You might want to talk to his wife.

1. I pulled this out of her last week and we have since gone to counseling twice.

2. I had no idea she was cheating and she came out and told me.
Which of the two is it? Pick one.

Yes, I'm sure. She's been very honest with me since she told me, and I've asked a lot of questions.
She has been honest with you since she was dishonest with you about the most significant thing in your marriage. Have you gained a new ability to detect her lies that you didn’t have before?
 
#38 ·
So instead of coming to me or going for help she decided to become vulnerable with a co-worker going through a similar situation. Which culminated with them kissing in his car during lunch a few weeks back.
"Kissing" is cheater speak for sex.

She stopped communicating with him but has admitted that she still thinks about him.
She WORKS with the guy. She DEFINITELY is still talking to him.

I'm not sure what her intentions are. She said she still loves me and she's going to counseling because she doesn't want to give up on this.
To use you as plan B.

As of now, she doesn't know what she wants. That's what I have a hard time with. I've spent more time talking to her this week, than she's spent talking to him in their whole relationship.
Yes, she does. She wants HIM and is just stalling with you. "Doesn't know what she wants" is cheater speak for "I want him, not you".

I have no doubt what she's experiencing with this other person was to temporarily fill a void that I wasn't. Nothing more. I know what that is now and I'm filling it!
It's hard to fill a void when another man's penis is already there.

I can see the way she looks at me and cries with me. She's just so confused that she can't separate right from wrong.
Do you REALLY believe she can't tell right from wrong? Have you EVER in your life not known the difference? Why do you think she's so stupid? She knows EXACTLY what she's doing. She cries because she's sorry she GOT CAUGHT. Not because she hurt you.

Who has some good insight? I NEED IT!
Here's the REAL story. She's been f***ing this co-worker for quite sometime. The affair is definitely still going on. She's taken it underground. She still engages him at work, sexually as well. She has every intention of either dumping you for him OR using you as plan b if it doesn't work out. She running the classic "make you feel guilty" gambit cheaters run to keep you on the hook and to keep her unaccountable. You're being played HARD.

You want to wake her up from her fantasy? Then:

1) Serve her with divorce papers AT WORK.

2) Contact the other guy's wife and tell her everything.

3) Do the 180 on her and kick her out. Make her as UNCOMFORTABLE as possible.

Maybe she will wake up and maybe she won't but that is the ONLY correct course of action. Anything else and you're validating to her that you are the emasculated doormat she believes you to be. She cheats on you because she gets away with it. STOP LETTING HER. YOU are the victim! YOU need to strike back! You did NOTHING wrong, she's just a weak, selfish POS.
 
#39 ·
Folks here can be very direct. But want to help you. Read what is posted. We can help you down a path to the truth.

You are probably like sh!t, these guys are out there. Many of us are. and yes it's possible it was "just a kiss", but the fact that she is now carrying a torch for two men is a huge red flag. Don't you want to know for sure one way or the other?
 
#40 ·
Do you have any children? I'm assuming no since it wasn't mentioned.

Thing is, without kids, I'd have zero tolerance for any shenanigans. Not worth the drama and hassle. There are many other fish in the sea. Most of whom don't kiss coworkers or worse.
 
#44 ·
im starting to see what everyone is saying, and I just talked to my sister for an hour about this,.... and she is in the same boat as you guys. im going to demand the names/numbers tonight. then when we get to counseling tonight im going to start the session by saying I think my wife is still lying to me.
i don't recommend this type of direct approach. I would think how you want to do it in advance, but maybe word it along the lines of you have been thinking about this a lot and things don't make sense to you. You feel that something is not right and you don't have and aren't getting the full truth of what is going on and you need this to heal and move on from this event.

If you go in accusing her of lying, more than likely what will come of your approach is she will shut down, start crying, and the therapist will react to this and try to stop you and your "negative" progression. It may get you labeled as uncooperative, anger driven, and possibly others things in the therapist's mind, will hurt the counseling session, and may enforce all the negative things she has complained about you doing to the therapist.
 
#45 ·


You can't even verify that she is NC with the OM. You haven't even attempted to verify thru keyloggers, VARs, etc. Instead, you've only taken her word for it.

This indicates that she's still in the affair if she doesn't know what she wants. If she was TRULY REMORSEFUL, she would be busting her ass to fix the marriage that she broke. She would be WILLINGLY TRANSPARENT.

Do you have access to her pay stubs? If not, then you do not know if they are meeting during working hours. You do not know if she's been taking off time from work to meet OM.

And don't kid yourself that it was only a kiss. It's much more than that. It's Trickle Truth.
 
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