My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-12-2011, 10:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

I caught my wife cheating on me two days before Christmas. In late November, we were arguing all the time about her going out. She works late nights as a server and then goes out with her friends. While I'm laying in bed while our children sleep, she is going out. This pissed me off enough to finally tell her after six years of marriage, that I did not condone her choices. I explained to her that I did not feel this was appropriate behavior for a married woman. She accused me of not trusting her. I told her that I did not trust other men or people's actions under the influence of alcohol. I also expressed to her that I did not want my wife out until 2:00 AM at bars and clubs. Eventually, I let go and gave her the space she wanted.

Well, I found her passed out drunk in front of the computer at 5:00 AM in front of the computer on Dec 23. She was having sex chat on Facebook. I quickly realized that she and her co-worker had been together at my own house two nights earlier and he touched and kissed her on the neck inappropriately. I even woke up because I heard voices in the house that night. They weren't doing anything then and my wife walked me back to bed reassuring me that he was helping her wrap gifts. This was a friend who had been to my home several times for parties, dinner, and social gatherings. i trusted my wife, so I went back to sleep. Then they drank some more, and while watching a movie, he kissed her neck and put his hands down her pants. I'm sure you get the picture. She stopped him and told him to leave after a few minutes. However, the next night they went to a bar together and then she came home and had the sex chat. They were making detailed plans to meet after work and have sex the next night. My wife tells me that she was drunk and just heavily flirting. She says she enjoyed the attention and the fantasy. She has cried and apologized and even swore on our kids that she never would have done it, even had I not caught her. She begged me not to leave and says she will do whatever it takes for me to trust her again. I still don't know if I believe her. I love my wife so much and I know she loves me too. I am so HURT right now. This guy and I even exchanged text messages and he told me that it was stupid drunken behavior. He apologized profusely and offered to explain any details I wished to know. It still bothers me to think that my wife was going to have sex with another man and that she violated our home and marriage while myself and the kids slept two rooms away. I want to believe her when she says she would have never done it, but I don't know what to think anymore. Please help.
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Old 01-12-2011, 11:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

You have one step ahead of most guys and that your wife has made the statement "I will do what ever it takes"

From my experience I got through this crap by having my wifes password for all her emails, cell, FB,etc.. My wife is a server also so she gives me her reciepts from her drawer. The time she got to work and got her cash and the time she returned the drawer and left for work. This and the time she got home accounted for her were about. My wife has commited to being home with me while I heal.

Second important thing is spend alot of time together my wife understands that now is not the time for girls night out and that all her free time is spent with me. I mean she calls me when she gets to work, on her break, on her lunch, and when she is leaving work. We are in constant communication when we are away from each other.

So in short the consequences for her behavior.. she tells me the ugly details of what went on, she has no privacy, she has only one best friend and that is me, she accounts for her where abouts, and has givin her self totaly back to me.

My wife is so remorseful she does these things with out me asking, she just started doing them. See, she understood she was at a bad place in her life b/c I was neglecting her. So once she saw they I cared she started caring too. I guess I was luck.

It really is up to her to help you heal, she has to commit to the marriage 100%. She screwed up and now she has lost alot of privliges that she once had..that is if she truely is remoresful and wants you to forgive her.

Most folks get a wall and struggle thought this crap. I hope she understands that all walls most come down for you to heal and trust. My wife has excepted the fact that I will continue to "spy' on her and she has nothing to hide ther for I have full access to her.

One more important thing to remember, do not show her how weak you really feel, chick like confident and stong guys. Show her how confident you are by letting her know that you will not tolorate her past behavior anymore, and if you can't get the respect from her you will find it from someone else. No pleading no begging. Show her that you are a man who demands respect and if she truely means what she says then the things I mentioned above are none negotionable.

Set up your boundries that will protect you and your family and if she crosses them again... even though you love her you will not be so forgiving the next time

The main thing is we ( me and my wife) know why she (my wife) strayed and we changed both our behaviors to "do what ever it takes" to make it work.

I have a feeling when your wife sees the things she needs to do to help you heal you will have some walls with her. I see it so much on this form. I can only hope that she excepts the consequences and bears the responsibility of helping you heal. She thinks more in term of "we" then "me"
Mine did and its been better then it ever has been in the last 19 of years of marriage.
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Old 01-12-2011, 11:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

Are you sure it's not underground by now?

Has she written a No Contact Letter to the OM and you send it?

Has she agreed to full transparency with FB, email, phones etc? Are you equipped to check?

Trust but VERIFY!!!!!

WW and the OM will lie, lie lie to protect the affair - even on the life of the kids....

Has she agreed to stop bar-hopping without you until the wee hours of the morning?
Is she willing to change jobs to ensure No Contact with this OM since he is a co-worker??

Have you sought help at Affaircare or Marriagebuilders?

Do it - it can only help!
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Old 06-01-2013, 05:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

I am in a similar situation as you are... What you need to do is get out of that marriage. However, think again! there are kids involved... Can you get the kids and take care of 'em?

Good luck! Do let us know how it turns out

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Originally Posted by Powerbane View Post
Are you sure it's not underground by now?

Has she written a No Contact Letter to the OM and you send it?

Has she agreed to full transparency with FB, email, phones etc? Are you equipped to check?

Trust but VERIFY!!!!!

WW and the OM will lie, lie lie to protect the affair - even on the life of the kids....

Has she agreed to stop bar-hopping without you until the wee hours of the morning?
Is she willing to change jobs to ensure No Contact with this OM since he is a co-worker??

Have you sought help at Affaircare or Marriagebuilders?

Do it - it can only help!
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Old 06-01-2013, 06:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

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Originally Posted by SunnyGrowUp View Post
I am in a similar situation as you are... What you need to do is get out of that marriage. However, think again! there are kids involved... Can you get the kids and take care of 'em?

Good luck! Do let us know how it turns out
Original post been over 2 years ago...
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

Another episode of the Walking Thread!



/Zombies
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

Zombies. I see zombies.
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Old 06-01-2013, 07:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

OMG...been here this long....WTF!!!!

I must be a zoombie.LOL
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Old 06-01-2013, 11:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

Always aim for the brain ! LOL
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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leave her.do your very best your kids, that's all you can do. trust that your friends and family.. and for that matter her friends and family know what kind of scum she is. move on. that's all you can do sir, I would like to say the pain stops or goes away. it does not. but just like every other ****ed up thing in life, its all in how you react to it.. I just found out my wife was cheating. she left me, and my step daughter with me. it hurts everyday. but not as much as my step daughter misses her mom. I have decided that my little girls (her dad is gone. not coming back, I have been there since she was 2) happiness is more important. its not easy, and it may well never be. but my pain will never compare to my daughters. move on. do it for your kids, and yourself. when we are 60, we wont care about what some ***** did to us, we will be proud of our actions. and so will your children. they grow up, and eventually they figure it all out. good luck sir, it wont be easy. but I have faith that your a good man, and pain is after thought.
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Old 12-05-2014, 09:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Cheated On Me- What Should I Do?

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Originally Posted by alman1984 View Post
leave her.do your very best your kids, that's all you can do. trust that your friends and family.. and for that matter her friends and family know what kind of scum she is. move on. that's all you can do sir, I would like to say the pain stops or goes away. it does not. but just like every other ****ed up thing in life, its all in how you react to it.. I just found out my wife was cheating. she left me, and my step daughter with me. it hurts everyday. but not as much as my step daughter misses her mom. I have decided that my little girls (her dad is gone. not coming back, I have been there since she was 2) happiness is more important. its not easy, and it may well never be. but my pain will never compare to my daughters. move on. do it for your kids, and yourself. when we are 60, we wont care about what some ***** did to us, we will be proud of our actions. and so will your children. they grow up, and eventually they figure it all out. good luck sir, it wont be easy. but I have faith that your a good man, and pain is after thought.
First off, that sucks. Sorry man.

Second, this thread is almost 4 years old. You might want to start a thread of your own.
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