I caught my wife cheating on me two days before Christmas. In late November, we were arguing all the time about her going out. She works late nights as a server and then goes out with her friends. While I'm laying in bed while our children sleep, she is going out. This pissed me off enough to finally tell her after six years of marriage, that I did not condone her choices. I explained to her that I did not feel this was appropriate behavior for a married woman. She accused me of not trusting her. I told her that I did not trust other men or people's actions under the influence of alcohol. I also expressed to her that I did not want my wife out until 2:00 AM at bars and clubs. Eventually, I let go and gave her the space she wanted.
Well, I found her passed out drunk in front of the computer at 5:00 AM in front of the computer on Dec 23. She was having sex chat on Facebook. I quickly realized that she and her co-worker had been together at my own house two nights earlier and he touched and kissed her on the neck inappropriately. I even woke up because I heard voices in the house that night. They weren't doing anything then and my wife walked me back to bed reassuring me that he was helping her wrap gifts. This was a friend who had been to my home several times for parties, dinner, and social gatherings. i trusted my wife, so I went back to sleep. Then they drank some more, and while watching a movie, he kissed her neck and put his hands down her pants. I'm sure you get the picture. She stopped him and told him to leave after a few minutes. However, the next night they went to a bar together and then she came home and had the sex chat. They were making detailed plans to meet after work and have sex the next night. My wife tells me that she was drunk and just heavily flirting. She says she enjoyed the attention and the fantasy. She has cried and apologized and even swore on our kids that she never would have done it, even had I not caught her. She begged me not to leave and says she will do whatever it takes for me to trust her again. I still don't know if I believe her. I love my wife so much and I know she loves me too. I am so HURT right now. This guy and I even exchanged text messages and he told me that it was stupid drunken behavior. He apologized profusely and offered to explain any details I wished to know. It still bothers me to think that my wife was going to have sex with another man and that she violated our home and marriage while myself and the kids slept two rooms away. I want to believe her when she says she would have never done it, but I don't know what to think anymore. Please help.
You have one step ahead of most guys and that your wife has made the statement "I will do what ever it takes"
From my experience I got through this crap by having my wifes password for all her emails, cell, FB,etc.. My wife is a server also so she gives me her reciepts from her drawer. The time she got to work and got her cash and the time she returned the drawer and left for work. This and the time she got home accounted for her were about. My wife has commited to being home with me while I heal.
Second important thing is spend alot of time together my wife understands that now is not the time for girls night out and that all her free time is spent with me. I mean she calls me when she gets to work, on her break, on her lunch, and when she is leaving work. We are in constant communication when we are away from each other.
So in short the consequences for her behavior.. she tells me the ugly details of what went on, she has no privacy, she has only one best friend and that is me, she accounts for her where abouts, and has givin her self totaly back to me.
My wife is so remorseful she does these things with out me asking, she just started doing them. See, she understood she was at a bad place in her life b/c I was neglecting her. So once she saw they I cared she started caring too. I guess I was luck.
It really is up to her to help you heal, she has to commit to the marriage 100%. She screwed up and now she has lost alot of privliges that she once had..that is if she truely is remoresful and wants you to forgive her.
Most folks get a wall and struggle thought this crap. I hope she understands that all walls most come down for you to heal and trust. My wife has excepted the fact that I will continue to "spy' on her and she has nothing to hide ther for I have full access to her.
One more important thing to remember, do not show her how weak you really feel, chick like confident and stong guys. Show her how confident you are by letting her know that you will not tolorate her past behavior anymore, and if you can't get the respect from her you will find it from someone else. No pleading no begging. Show her that you are a man who demands respect and if she truely means what she says then the things I mentioned above are none negotionable.
Set up your boundries that will protect you and your family and if she crosses them again... even though you love her you will not be so forgiving the next time
The main thing is we ( me and my wife) know why she (my wife) strayed and we changed both our behaviors to "do what ever it takes" to make it work.
I have a feeling when your wife sees the things she needs to do to help you heal you will have some walls with her. I see it so much on this form. I can only hope that she excepts the consequences and bears the responsibility of helping you heal. She thinks more in term of "we" then "me"
Mine did and its been better then it ever has been in the last 19 of years of marriage.