morituri

Affairs can happen even in good marriages. Read the book by the late Dr Shirley Glass PhD titled 'Not Just Friends'.

Your wife had an obligation to bring the marital problems that your behavior was causing up to your attention by suggesting marital counseling. If after doing this you scoffed at her and continued being a selfish jerk of a husband then she had the obligation to file for divorce. That is how honorable people do things.

The choice to have an affair is hers and hers alone.

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"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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ArmyofJuan

This got my attention.
I think in 6 months to a year from now you'll think differently. If you had a friend who's wife cheated on him like yours did what advice would you give him?

Your brain is trying to rationalize staying with her just like her brain is trying to rationalize the affair. You are both too emotional to think clearly.

I get the impression that she is just biding her time until the OM's divorce is final before jumping ship and running to him. She may just try to pacify you in the mean time until she is ready. If she was stupid enough to do this it would be a guaranteed failure but don't try to stop her if she does. Some people have to learn things the hard way.

You have to take the tough love approach and have her face the consequences now. She has to be scared that she will lose you forever and get a chance to miss you. That means turning your back on her until she is beating down your door to talk to you.

You also have to develop habits that make you less of a taker. Don't tell her you are doing this, just do it and she will see for herself later.

lordmayhem

It's been 4 months without an update. I wonder what happened? She was sitting on the fence and keeping him on as a backup in case her affair with OM goes south.