Married to a compulsive Liar

Hopeful&Doubtful · 08-24-2008, 01:05 PM

I have been with my husband 20 year, 13 married. He cheated on me before we was married and had a child. He lied about this child for 3 years before he finally admitted that he may be the father. He has had a relationship with this child thru me for the last 12 years. Recently, he have left me out the picture and he have been on the cell phone with her mother for 4 months talking a couple times a day for hours at a time. Most of the call was early morning (between 1am – 5am). He claims they were discussing child support, but in my opinion it don’t take that many calls to talk about child support. I ask him to leave but he said he is not giving up on his family because he love me and want to be with me. So at this point I became real suspicious and I created and online account to our cell phone bill without him knowing I did it (I never seen the cell phone bill before he always handled that). I notice that he was also on the phone with another girl that we went to school with. He has been talking with her on the phone for 2 years. He said they are just friends but my gut tells me different. I called the girl and she said they are just friends, but she is not going to tell me the truth. I am having a hard time dealing with this especially since I am the primary breadwinner I am starting to feel like I am being used. But if I leave him my children would be so hurt, we have two kids 15 and 13. Any opinions are welcomed I am trying to make the right decision and I don’t know if I can make it work.

draconis · 08-24-2008, 08:36 PM

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I think that if your husband lived a more transparent life that it would solve many of the issues for you and your relationship. I would think that maybe counciling or marriage help through your church might be the way to go.

draconis

Hopeful&Doubtful · 08-24-2008, 09:51 PM

Hi Draconis

Thanks for the advice, I am seeing therapist to help me deal with this. The ironic part is when I confronted him he blame me for having an affair with someone at work. I have never been unfaithful to him. I do have a co-worker that we have become friends over the years but nothing more, we don't call each other we don't see each other outside of work but my husband is insisting that we have something going on. The funny part is in 10 years I never heard anything about my co-worker until I confronted my husband. Now he deletes all of his text messages and will not leave his phone unattended.

ljtseng · 08-24-2008, 11:48 PM

Wow if he's that protective of his phone then he is hiding something pretty hurtful from you. Definitely protect yourself. I would start to detach emotionally from him as he is not deserving of your love or trust right now.

draconis · 08-25-2008, 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopeful&Doubtful

Hi Draconis

Thanks for the advice, I am seeing therapist to help me deal with this. The ironic part is when I confronted him he blame me for having an affair with someone at work. I have never been unfaithful to him. I do have a co-worker that we have become friends over the years but nothing more, we don't call each other we don't see each other outside of work but my husband is insisting that we have something going on. The funny part is in 10 years I never heard anything about my co-worker until I confronted my husband. Now he deletes all of his text messages and will not leave his phone unattended.

It is good that you are seeing a therapist. As far as his accusing you that is normal for someone having an affair or an emotional affair to do. They think because they can do it that the other partner must be doing the same thing.

draconis

cao428 · 08-27-2008, 12:34 AM

Hello Hopeful&Doubtful,

That is great you have yourself a good councelor that will help you to become stronger as a person if you can (??). It does such a hit on your self-esteem when you find out your spouse cheated ! (trust me I know) Try to take care of yourself as best you can!

I have a similar situation where my husband has been pursuing other women and has been caught, but still lies about everything. I have caught him in so many changes of stories and inconsistencies it is a joke, yet he maintains that he has not done anything wrong. He had a "just friends" relationship with a young woman in China for a good part of the year he worked over there, but I found notes that indicated it was at least an emotional affair and I suspect much more. I DO know it has hurt our relationship because he has given all of his love energy to her and he has changed with me.

He also does all of that type of behavior, like hiding things..his keys, his computer, his answers to my questions are not answered, etc. We agreed he would become transparent in counceling about all, but he continues to hide everything is what I see.

What I have learned is that it is inappropriate for your spouse to have a "just friends" relationship with the opposite sex unless it's an exceptional circumstance and they accepted as are a part of the family, per say, or you have been platonic friends with this person since childhood, and your mate feels comfortable with it.

My point is it is; when your spouse doesn't become honest it is sad, because it can heal the marriage if they do and you can start to work on rebuilding. I feel so many on this site are so much luckier than I because their spouses have admitted whatever they have done even if it's an emotional envolvement. Trust is everything.

Where you have the children give it time and don't do a knee jerk reaction, keep getting help with this. I hope you have some family support? Best of luck and keep in touch.

loveandmarriage · 08-27-2008, 06:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopeful&Doubtful

Hi Draconis

....The funny part is in 10 years I never heard anything about my co-worker until I confronted my husband. Now he deletes all of his text messages and will not leave his phone unattended.

Your husband is bringing up this friendship now because he is trying to turn the "heat" off of himself. He knows what he is doing. This is just a way of making you feel guilty that HE was/is doing something inappropriate.

Unfortunately, your husband does not understand that it's the dishonesty and deceptive behavior that has put him in this position. If he had came clean about what he was BEFORE you found out, the result (where you guys are now) would probably not be has bad. And if he was to be "transparent" about what he is doing now, at least you could see that he trying to restore your faith in him.

Have you suggested couple's counseling? Maybe if the both of you went, he would see how deception and dishonesty can really rock the inner core of a marriage.

Hopeful&Doubtful · 08-27-2008, 08:20 AM

I ask him would he come to counseling and he said that he would go. However, the counselor want to meet with him independently first, but he want me to make his appointment and I refuse to do it if it is important to him he will make the appointment hisself. I also gave him another option, I told him since him and the woman was talking about basic life he should call the woman and have one of their normal conversation with her and let me listen to the call and she don't have to know that I am listening and that could prove that he have nothing to hide but he refuse to do it. He said he don't know what might come out of her mouth. So that prove to me that their conversations was not appropriate.

justean · 08-27-2008, 09:34 AM

my first hubby was a disaster. he always lied and so deceitful.i actually thought he would grow out of it, but he never he got worse.
he actually couldnt remember half the lies he told and you being the wife, end up covering them for your own embarrassment.
i do find if its continuous, it doesnt change.