Hello, I am new here. Found this site while looking up marriage counseling and other help. I guess I will just give my story and see what happens from there.
My wife and I have been together since High school, so about 8+ years now. We have been married for a over a year, and have 2 daughters. One is 17 months and one is 4 months old. My wife is 22 and I am 24.
We had a shaky relationship in high school, which admittedly was my fault. I was a high school moron, boy. We broke up the year I graduated, and over the course of the summer, realized what I passed up, and how much I loved her. I started talking to her again, and BOOM we hooked back and she moved in with me. It was great for a very long time.
Well 2 years ago, we started taking a turn for the worse. I was being lazy about the relationship and did not give her the attention she deserved and need at the time. She thought on my birthday was a good day to separate. After a lot of talking, we worked things out, and yet again going great. Just to find out 2 months later, (After we were working things out) she was fooling around with a guy via, internet and on the phone. Nothing Physical happened, but anything and everything that could happen over the internet and phone did. (Pictures, phone sex, video sex, etc, etc,). Well, I told her it would take a while but I was willing to work things out, if she was willing to work to get my trust back. After 6-8 months I forgave her, and we moved on.
Now more present day matters. Or marriage has been rocky the last 2 months or so. (she claims to have been unhappy longer, fooled me). Then one day I sat her down and asked what the hell was going on. She said she wanted a divorce. I asked why, and after about 4 or 5 hours of arguing and talking, we came to the conclusion that we have a big communication issue. During this talk as well I asked her if she had, or has been cheating on me, because I just had that "gut" feeling. Well a week went by after the talk and things where looking up. Then I found out, that the week prior to our talk, her and our roommate (My best friend for 8 years) had attempted sex twice.
The first time both where drunk, and he wooed her. He rubbed her back listened to her cry, and her problems. Kissed her neck, etc, etc....About 2 or 4 minutes into, she got up and ran into our bedroom. The second time was just about a week later (So probably the day or 2 before we had the divorce talk) and she was sober, (supposed) thinking we where going to be threw anyway, while he was drunk kissed him, and "jumped" on top of him. That time I guess they went at it less then 30 seconds when he got up and ran out of the house, and has only slept back the apartment twice since. He is moving out, and we have decided to try to work things out. My only issue is, sometimes she seems to forget what happened. There are days that I find myself staring at the wall for about an hour thinking about everything. (Mind you this all happened in the last month) she then asks me whats wrong, and I sometimes tell her, sometimes I don't.
She does come from a screwed up family, and the normal parts of her family, along with friends, and myself all think she needs help. But she gets angry when we mention it. We all also think she has postpartum, she had 2 kids right in a row, and her tubes tied all during her "party" years. I agreed to marriage counseling, but I have no idea what else I can do to keep our marriage working, and hopefully not get "burned" again. She says it was a dumb mistake, (and the first time a drunken mistake)....but I swear sometimes she acts like I am the one who did something wrong.
Like I said I don't really have a question just more or less a story and see what ever one here thinks.
Edit to ADD: I talked to her tonight, and asked if she feels bad, or remorse, dirty, hell anything. She said she feels bad, but wants to work on "us" and get this behind us. I don't know, is it just me, or does it seem kind of fast. She said she understands if I need time...
Sorry about the wall-o-text. I guess I am looking for opinions on the subject....I am giving her another chance. Is that a mistake? The thing is I love her so much it scares even me sometimes. Should I keep working at this and hope she does not do it again?
Admittedly you neglected your wife when she needed you the most.You can still save your marriage but both of you need to work on earning the trust back. Then she needs to heal and begin to trust in you again too... get it. how does she know you wont neglect her again?
In the same breath you need to heal from her betrayal. In order to achieve that she needs to step up. You both have a long road and finding this site is a start. In addition, MC counseling will help.
I neglected my wife for most of our 20 year marriage and just found out a year ago that she cheated on me with many men. One of them a best friend.
We healed fast because we were both willing to forgive each other and accept our part of the blame. One year after finding out we're renewing our vows 3 days after we celebrate our twentieth anniversary.
Admittedly you neglected your wife when she needed you the most.You can still save your marriage but both of you need to work on earning the trust back. Then she needs to heal and begin to trust in you again too... get it. how does she know you wont neglect her again?
In the same breath you need to heal from her betrayal. In order to achieve that she needs to step up. You both have a long road and finding this site is a start. In addition, MC counseling will help.
I neglected my wife for most of our 20 year marriage and just found out a year ago that she cheated on me with many men. One of them a best friend.
We healed fast because we were both willing to forgive each other and accept our part of the blame. One year after finding out we're renewing our vows 3 days after we celebrate our twentieth anniversary.
Wow...that is a big thing to swallow. I guess, I am having a hard time coping with that something that small, (which she never really talked to me about in the first place, (before the divorce talk)) would cause someone to cheat. Honestly it would take a hit of EX, a bottle of 151 (or two), and maybe an okay note from her to cheat...Just the way I was brought up.
Welcome, I'm sorry this has happened but from what I've read you definitely have a chance to save your marriage. The guy has a lot of great advice. You both need to accept responsibility for what happened. While what she did was very very wrong.. it happened for a reason. Cheating is ALWAYS the product of another problem.
First and foremost you need to make sure that this cannot happen again. Its good that your "friend" is moving out but make sure they ZERO communication.. No FB, No calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. Its probably a good idea to do a no contact agreement.
This is a very crucial time in the healing process. This is where she will either start lying and hiding things better, or commit to working things out with you completely.
Your marriage still has hope and you are not wrong for wanting to work things out. But you cant live your life "hoping" she wont do it again. You need to make damn sure it NEVER happens again and take the appropriate steps to protect you marriage. Make sure she understands you will not tolerate that behavior.
Its not about the cheating. Should she get a note from you allowing her to neglect you while you take care of the kids for a couple of years... while she loses herself in a career or whatever. two wrongs wont make it better.
Remember the thing to look at is what caused the cheating... cheating was the end result of a problematice marriage. Fix the problem stops the cheating and repairs the marriage.
There was a reason my chick step out side the marriage. I found that, and will do what it takes that my family will never go through the sh*t I went through when I was growing up.
I have to believe that the both of you want the same thing, and it is a matter of training, so with the right training your marriage will succeed. Go get some MC!
We already planned on the MC. Only problem is paying for it right now. (due to some job problems) we are both un-insured. Though are kids are mind you. I am Atheist to the core, so a pastor will not work either, we thought about that. So hopefully we can find someway to get it in. Is it normal for her to act like nothing happened? It has only been a 2 weeks since I found out, and I find my self still full of different emotions all the time, and sometimes just staring for 20+ minutes at a wall, or my dinner, thinking about what happened, and they did.....Not being able to get it out of my head. Then she asks whats wrong, I tell her if she wants to know, I will tell her, but that she should know... Then for example, the "roommates" last day is tonight, and she gave me hassel when I asked her to stay somewhere else with the kids for the one night, was that wrong of me? I don't think it is, being I work the graveyard shifts (not to much longer), and I wont be able to work worrying about what might still happen.
No that is not wrong to think that way. Like I said you need to make sure they have zero contact. But since he lives there its dificult. However I dont think your wife should be the one to leave. Mabye your roomate should stay somewhere else until you are available to oversee him moving out.
I think it is normal for her to act like nothing happened. It might be that she is embarassed and she's not yet ready to fully accept the gravity of the situation. Also guilt could play a role. I would say just give her some time to come to terms with it.
As for a MC I wouldnt count out a pastor or chaplin. Although their role is a religiouse one they still have expirience dealing with these situations. Maybe you could explain to them that the two of you just need marriage counseling and make sure he is aware of your beliefs. If he pushes religion on you then leave and find one new one. Since your short on cash this could just be a temporary solution until you can find a regular MC.
Well, the thing is the roommate is moving out in the next week, maybe sooner. But, he has been staying at another place the whole time, but he needs to stay at the apartment one more night, because he has no place to bring his kids, (and timing wise, the lease is up). Otherwise I would agree with you on that one. It is one night, I will talk to her in the morning and tell her, I understand why she is upset about me asking that, but she needs to understand it is one night while I work. He has stayed there one other night last week, but I was home as well.
Maybe we will try the Pastor. Hopefully the one we would use can exclude religion out of the factor, but I doubt it.
Hi Bigwayneo, Sorry to hear of your troubles. Your emotions are normal and typical of so many on this site and very much like those affected by infidelity.
You can fix your marriage with councelling and learning to communicate. The pastor idea sounds good. I am of a certain religion but don't mind discussing my "healing" with those of other religions. In my mind, I replace the name of "their" God, with "My Higher Power". In the end, it's all the same.
I agree that she shouldn't be alone with "him". No need to stir up emotions.
My wife was "forgetful" as well. She was even forgeting about things she had already told me. She revealed some physical things and then months later, said "nothing happened". I said "how his he putting his fingers in the wrong place and sucking on your t*ts NOTHING". Her reply, "oh yeah, I forgot about that!" How do you commit adultery after 15 years of marriage and just forget about the events of that infidelity? I think it's something psychological that protects their mind from the guilt & hurt of the experience. Why "forget" about something that you've already revealed if not to protect yourself.
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Just make sure when she does choose to reveal something, dont get mad or upset. Instead be thankful that she's deciding to come forth with the imformation willingly. While some things might be hurtful to hear, having to dig and find out yourself is way worse.
All great advice. I too always wondered how he could forget so easily. I think it's all what has been said. Part guilt, not wanting to think about the hurt they caused or how badly they acted, what they did, etc. Not because they don't feel bad it, because they do.
Do either of you have an EAP at your work? I guess that usually comes as part of the benefits package so if you don't have that, you probably don't. But wouldn't hurt to check. It's usually provided by the employer.
My hubby is not religious either. The MC we went to wasn't but I had to make sure to say that when they were looking for one. (I went through our EAP) I told them they could not bring up religon.
Good Luck to you. You can work through this and save your marriage. (My H's A was with one of MY best friends.)
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but are your sure that she has disclosed everything about these encounters? It seems kind of odd that they "tried" to be physical two times and that both times it lasted just a few minutes and never got to the finish line. Rather, it ended with one or both them running away in other directions. I might buy it if it was just the one time when they were both really drunk, but it's a little hard to believe as she puts it.
Listen, my H has never admitted anything of substance so I just have to put all the pieces together in my own head. I get it. People in this situation usually don't come clean, at least not entirely. I just want you to be prepared when you go to MC and really start working through this that they could have been together a lot more and it could have been a lot more intense than she's telling you. Although she cheated, she doesn't look too awful horrible right now with the way that she described these two encounters. She knows that. The less terrible it looks, she knows the better chance she has for your forgiveness. The friend knows that too so just watch and be prepared for what they call the "trickle truth".
Thanks for all the advice! I am really trying to make things work out. Though today she is very distance, and seems very annoyed. Which kind of makes me depressed, and I ask her whats wrong and she says nothing, and seems annoyed when I ask. Yeah, I should have figured that it would have been bad knowing his history, but I never thought he would cross that line with me.
Blownaway- She might not be. But I talked to him about details as well, and though they were not dead on to the facts there stories were pretty similar. The only be disagreement was what happened the first time. I guess he was so drunk her barley remembers the fine details. But like I said, the details where not spot on to each other, but close enough to see that its probably true.
I also told her that I would do my best not to get angry with any new information, and be more thankful that she is telling me these things. So I hope once that sinks in, if there is any more she can tell me and I won't blow up. But hopefully there really is nothing else.
Wife and Best friend.... 
Re: Wife and Best friend.... 
