gasunrise

I know this is something only I can answer but I would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.

When do you throw in the towel? The EA husband was involved in is now a PA, actually there are two of them. Granted it all goes back to the fact that I had an online affair, so I began this downword spiral but it has now reached a point where I don't know if there is a way to save it. I want to save it, having been doing everything that I can to try and show him that but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm only slowing killing myself.

I can't be the only one that wants to save the marriage, it takes both of us to do that. As long is he is looking to have his needs met outside of the marriage he has no need for me. Am I thinking about this correctly?

Workingitout

Yes. You are. Here's how it should go down. "Hubby, I love you very much and would like our marriage to work. Not just a 'good' marriage, but the outstanding, exceptionally great marriage that few people have. I want you to be my best friend and someone we can mutually count on. So, what I'm going to ask of you is that you stop your PA and recommit to me and our marriage. If you are willing to do that, I am willing to commit unconditionally to meeting your needs. Let's start by talking about what it is that you need from me. What needs am I not meeting? What are you getting from the other woman that I am not meeting for you?"

gasunrise

He says that by having the online affair I showed him that he was not enough for me, that I need something more than he has to offer. In ways he is correct, in ways he is wrong. What I needed were things he could offer but was not, but thats another subject.

According to him what they offer him is they make him feel good about himself, make him feel special, make him feel like he has some self worth.

I don't want to give up but this feels like slow suicide.

Lazarus

It's an interesting question.

A slow death with all the pain and hurt that is involved when dealing with betrayal, lies, utter dishonesty, kissing and cuddling another person (and the rest), or sit it out and allow the PA to fizzle out and then have doubts about feeling second best once the 'fog' lifts. Best to be a hybrid and do both. Nonetheless it is a difficult call. May be best to dust up and try to do things for yourself because you now can!

If your heart is still with your significant other he should notice any change in you.

Neglect and meanness can destroy a good relationship. Chat rooms and online fantasy lovers can have a detrimental underlying effect on how we behave.

This might help effect change Video 1: Why Emotions Matter

There are a series of videos, all of them worth watching.

Best of luck. Hang in there. Don't give up.

Just feel better about yourself and don't forget non verbal emotions. An affair person can say nasty words out of anger and resentment and other issues but, sometimes their non verbal actions suggest the exact opposite of what they are saying.

gasunrise

Could you explain this to me please. The things you have said make alot of sense. He says the tighter I try to hold on the more I push him away. Seems I need to find a balance of "I need you" and "I'm okay without you".

Lazarus

Non verbal emotions: touching or acting in a way that doesn't fit what's actually being said. Saying one thing but actions (and bodylanguage) indicates the opposite.

Example: A fleeting moment where the DS or BS forgets the situation and acts like a caring spouse. The action can be fleeting in a moment of forgetfulness, or it can be a test without setting themselves up for a fall.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder.

Maybe listen to what's being said. The tighter you try to hold on the more he moves away.

If you don't value yourself, how can he value you?

Be strong and not always too available.