Senica13

Hello, I am just wondering if I could get some advice on a matter that happened recently. I am new to this forum and have really liked the responses and input I have read so far.

My girlfriend and I have been together just about 12 months now and things have been going great. We have had our share of misunderstanding and have been pretty successful in working through them. She is very different from all of the other girls I have ever dated and on a regular basis i think she may be the one.

In the past month I have noticed that she had been writing flirtatious comments on her friends ''Facebook'' page. This guy is a former classmate from the semester before. I didn't say anything to her about it. But then I noticed a day later that they were txting each other back and forth. So naturally I asked who he was and tried to get a little more information about their friendship. She said he was just a friend who she met in school, so i disregarded it. Then the next day I had to use her phone and I noticed that all her messages from him were deleted but mine were still present . A few days went by and then he messaged her again and she openly talked to him in front of me about 20 mins, until I left her house. It was late at night.

Randomly, The next day, she had asked me a question about how many messages my phone holds. I thought how weird of her to ask a technical question haha.. And I responded "A lot" then and asked her why? She said that her inbox was always full causing her to have to empty it frequently. I didn't think much of it until she had opened her phone near me ten mins later and she had 0 messages in her inbox.. I felt a little suspicious as to why she had randomly asked me about such a weird question. So I confronted her and asked her if she had been deleting her messages because she was tring to hide her conversations with this other guy the night before? She said no very defensively.. I asked her to calm down and told her I wasn't accusing her of anything, I was just asking out of curiosity. Then I asked her how long she had talked to him the night before and what their conversation was about? And she said that her conversation was about 2 1/2 hours long and they had openly shared information about each other and their life experiences and what not.. When I asked her what her interest and motive was for talking to him she said that he was an "interesting guy" and "just getting to know him". So, I asked your interested? and she said "Yes, I am just interested in him and I don't have a motive" I told her that their is always a motive behind why we talk to people, and gave her a few examples like mother talks to her son, hence the mother-son relationship. worker-boss relationship. then i said friend-friend and she said YES that's it! -pondering very deeply. I didn't feel to good that she couldn't point this out herself when i asked what the motive was.. She then said she wondered if it was wrong that she was talking to another guy so much and sharing such personal information, but couldn't really decide for herself..
So I told her that there is nothing wrong with making friends. Then I said if she had to question if it "may be wrong" then proceeded to hide it from me then it was probably wrong. And on top of that, you can not be "intrested" in another guy while your in a relationship!

So the next day later, we had had a discussion about it and she admitted to deleting the messages so I would not see them.
She also agreed with me that showing such an interest in another man is wrong and would be considered to be on a very thin line between cheating to some people. Me especially considering i am only interested in one other woman, her!

So, I gave her the ultimatum and told her simply that if she is interested in anyone other than me in this relationship then it will not last and that I am looking for a Christian relationship and that is not it. She was very defensive and didn't give me a definite "I love you and want to be with you". So i told her if she's not 100% then its done! We stopped and talked a little more and she broke down and expressed her sorrow then has made it clear that she wants to be with me and have me in her life.

I love her very much and am hurt that she betrayed my trust.
I think it is clear that she is confused, indecisive and doesn't know what she wants and is searching...
The way i see it is, if you are committed to someone and love them then you don't go behind there back to express a flirtatious, romantic interest in someone else. Further more, you limit yourself to other men and women by establishing boundaries in your relationship that make it clear to what is acceptable and what is not. And you have clear motives in the friendships you choose. These are things that have always been very clear cut to her and have been a cornerstone to our retationship in the past year. And one reason why i know this is that she has made it very evident in what she expects in my personal relationships with lady friends and this would not be tolerated... I try very hard to keep the lines of communication and trust open by encouraging her to ask any questions about any woman i have friendships with and she has done just that..

I noticed lately she is having a difficult time lately opening up to me about her problems and has not been very upfront about the things that are bothering her. this isnt like her. If she doesnt trust our relationship enough to share these things with me and is going to look else where for companionship then I wonder if this is just the beginning? Is it doomed for failure? I have made my feelings for her very clear and I show her every chance i get how much i love and care about her.

My main concern is she is interested in another person and has made it clear that she has been pursuing it, -secretively. For me that is grounds to dismiss a relationship. But I love her a lot and do not know what to do at this point.

Could someone give me some advice?
It would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you very much

PS. I am sorry this is so very long but i wanted to make sure I included everything because this girl means a lot to me!

couple

A very similar thing happened to me way back when....discovered at pretty much the same point with a similar response except in my discovery it was more clear that she was pursuing more than a friendship and that she really lusted after him sexually as well as liking him.

The biggest surprise for me in this was that I really had no idea that any of this was going on and it caused major trust issues as I never really thought she was capable of hiding this while proceeding with me as if everything were ok, except for being a bit distant around that time.

I think we men are often naive to the fact that women also lust after guys and want sex with them. We might want them to only want us but this is not realistic. Of course just wanting a guy and making yourself available to him are two different things...but here again, we need to face the reality that women are not always going to sit by and resist every opportunity that comes there way.

Good luck. Perhaps you can end the relationship on the grounds that she wants someone else. This forces a decision point to stay with you or pursue the other guy (or this could be part of a bigger need/want to date other people rather than just being focused on one guy). If she decides to stay with you, it might just be out of fear of leaving and starting something new. If this is the case, then you need to keep your eye on her as deciding to stay with you doesn't mean that the root cause of things has been fixed. It could be just a phase that runs its course.

Initfortheduration

I would end it. Right now she has both of you. And will carry on as long allowed. You may love her. But right now she obviously doesn't respect you. How long can a relationship last without respect?

Hicks

She revealed herself to you. That is the purpose of dating prior to marriage. There are millions of women who know how to defend their personal boundaries. She is not one of them. While you are feeling betrayed now, think about how this feels when you are married and have a home, cars, children and dogs to complicate matters.

Mustang!

I would agree with everyone else here.. Your better off just cutting her loose. You're not married, You dont have kids, You dont have any property between the two of you.. So I see no reason to really fight for a girl who obviously has no respect for you.

Normaly I would say stay with her and try to work it out. In most cases this type of behavior is caused by another problem that occured earlier in the relationship. You said you two have had some minor problems but do you think anything has happened that would make her look outside the relationship?

From what I've read on here so far I would say the only problem in the relationship is that she isnt ready to commit to one. So for now I would say break up with her and let her go be with that guy for a while. And if its meant to be she'll come back.. but Im not sure I would let her.

MsLonely

In the contrary, she has a right to keep her option open if her target with you isn't a serious relationship or she's not ready to commit because she's still young and not ready to get married. Yes she's got a boyfriend, you. She should break up with you first before show her interests in the other guy. However, she's not falling in love with him. It can be friendship. In some level, she still has faith in the relationship.
Make sure you're her best choice if she's your choice. You should know her very well. You can tell her you feel uncomfortable without making too much fuss about it or you will fall into the jealousy category, which somewhat means, you are not confident in yourself.
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Senica13

Thanks for all the responses.. I know this is a hard question to answer not knowing all the variables of the relationship. Our target has been a serious relationship for some time now and we have both made this clear to each other. I fear that maybe she isn't ready to commit as much as she initially thought herself to be. As far as a phase running its course, perhaps, but I am not interested in hearing that excuse.. I think we are beyond that point. We have worked hard to develope mutual loyalty and trust in our relationship I have been straight forward with her and she knows i expect the same.

Mustang - there hasn't been anything serious other than some clashes of interest and disagreements ect.. but i have to say that initially in the beginning of our relationship we had a difficult time seeing eye to eye because we both have different viewpoints on things, but mostly the way we handle situations. It has been work in progress to find that middle ground but the outcome has been good and we seem to get along fine, and have learned a lot from each other. trust has never been an issue other than a few questions about other lady friends that were quickly resolved.

seeking sanity

Life involves heartbreak at all stages. In the young, finding a mate, stage there are always false starts and relationships that don't pan out. If after a year she's already casting about, she isn't ready.

Life is as much about timing as chemistry, and there is no soul mate out there waiting for you. It could be that she just isn't ready to be serious, and so she is unconsciously sabatoging the relationship.

Who knows.

But wishing for something different, instead of accepting reality is sure fire way to get yourself MORE hurt.

I'd end it. Tell her, she just isn't ready and you aren't interested in betrayal or any drama involving other men. Wish her well and send her on her way.

Corkey88

You are not alone my friend. Facebook and texting may well be the window to the soul. She is clearly interested in playing the field while you are seeking something more serious. You can stay, legitimize your relationship and her behavior, but you will be in for heart break later and that is a guarantee. I know it is hard to look at this objectively when you feel she is "the ONE", however, try and step back and look at this very carefully. She is sneaking around, chatting with another guy and trying to hide her text conversations from you! You would tell your best friend to run the other way if he came and told you this about his girlfriend. Tread carefully.....

Senica13

Guys thank you again for your responses. They are no doubt helping shed light on things. As i start to think back a little more about the exact details about the past 2 months there is one other thing in paticular that comes to my mind and has had a huge impact on us. and is probably still effecting us. I'm asking you all to please bear with me here while i am trying to piece together everything.

About two months ago her brother joined the Airforce, and since then she has been considering joining. We have had a few discussions about it but nothing serious enough for me to think she was going to be going anywhere soon, and she told me it was mostly her "seeing what opportunities are out there". It turned out she wasn't eligible because of some health reason. It wasn't until about a month ago she that she told me that her recruiter told her that she could join the army. She didn't know what she wanted to do but she asked me how i felt about it and i told her honestly that I wasn't for it. We talked at length about the stuff her recruiter "promised her." It wasn't until later that night that she told me that IF she got accepted into the Airforce then she was just planning to just leave! There was never really a talk about this, our feelings or anything involving the future of our relationship until this point. I felt that up until this point the communication was a little jaded and like she was not being open about the whole process of joining and the truth about the future of our relationship.

I asked her why she wanted to go so bad and what our relationship meant to her and she tried to convince me that she loved me and want me to stick with her. I asked her why she has been holding all these thoughts and feelings back from me and she said because she was scared i wouldnt want to be with her. So, she asked me what i wanted to do.. i told her if i couldn't support her 100% in joining then i cant do it at all. Long story short, she told me she was not going to go.

Now to speed up to present time. Her army recruiter is still bugging her about joining and she hasn't said anything to me about it until i saw the messages the other day on her cell phone, along with those of this other guy.

I know this all sounds like a big mess, but this all ties in with the trust in our relationship. I know she has been confused lately but i feel like the trust has been hindered because she hasn't been including me in any of her thoughts and plans. These are all things i am trying to weigh into the current situation. It looks like there is more to her indecisiveness.

I was totally crushed by that news and now i am totally crushed by this new "interest".. when i talked to her tonight she first said she was sorry and she said she wants to be with me. but then I tried to talk about my feelings she got very defensive and began to back track by saying that she didn't do anything wrong and she was just talking to this other guy.... I don't get it, she admitted she was wrong and said she was sorry and she understood what was wrong about it earlier. Then she starts defending herself allover again!

She is clearly not sorry.. and not ready to take responsibility.

CH

Not married, no kids, only been 12 months. Time to move on, you got to take the pony out for a ride and it's not the right one for you. Pick another pony and have some fun!

seeking sanity

I want to help you understand the mind set of a woman in her early 20's:

- She is fixated on HERSELF. You only factor in on how you MAKE HER feel
- She doesn't give a damn about your feelings, only how they reflect off her
- She is wired to preserve her security and will say anything to keep you on the hook until you she has no need for you. ie. the thing with the other guy goes somewhere.

You are being played, sorry to say. She'll do what she wants, and by acting needy and vulnerable, you just make it worse. The best thing you can do is end this.

MsLonely

Brutally honest speaking, ok? Not to be harsh but just a view as a parent of a daughter that is turning to 18.
I have been telling my daughter until she completes her highest education and achieves her life goal with a stable & successful career, fully independent. In that case, she may consider herself to have a serious relationship with a bf with who she lives together for a minimum 2 years without major conflicts when being together.
Before that, all the bfs (before she achieves her life target) she might have fallen in love meanwhile, yet, it's not yet for marriage or commitment. Not to cheat, play games or perform unprotected sex with any guy, as it should be serious and honest same but she should keep her options open until she finds the right man when she's fully independent with a good career.
Simply, I don't want any man shows up to tell her what she should and shouldn't pursue in her life and become a roadblock, an obstacle before she achieve her goal.
Saw too many women gave up their goals for love but end up in heartbreaking divorce and not able to be independent.
So if you truely love her, you shouldn't stop her pursuing her dreams and career.
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Mustang!

Like I said before.. and everyone else here.. She is not ready for a long term relationship. She's thinking about joining the military and going off to bigger things. If she stays just because you dont want her too then she'll always see you as holding her back.

I am active duty AF. I can say from expirience that after basic training and tech school girls get A LOT of attention. She's already demonstrated that she's easily pulled towards another man. Can you really trust her to be around a bunch of guys hitting on her??

Unless you have a solid commitment like a marriage, this girl doesnt sound like she'll be sticking with you if she decides to leave. And I wouldnt try to force her to stay because she'll just end up resenting you for it.

Like Cheatinghubby said. This just isnt the right pony for you. I know it sucks but you need to get out while you still can.

Senica13

Everyone, thanks again for all your comments and taking your time to read and sort through my mess. You have all helped me see what it is I need to do at this point. We clearly need to break-up and go our separate ways, if it is ever meant to be in the future then it will naturally will find its way. There is no point to moaning and groaning about the timing of life and asking why can't it just be perfect ect... it is just clearly not meant to be at this point. I have learned a whole lot just by reading everyone's responses and am happy I choose to stand up and ask the questions I did. Thanks!