Hello, I am just wondering if I could get some advice on a matter that happened recently. I am new to this forum and have really liked the responses and input I have read so far.
My girlfriend and I have been together just about 12 months now and things have been going great. We have had our share of misunderstanding and have been pretty successful in working through them. She is very different from all of the other girls I have ever dated and on a regular basis i think she may be the one.
In the past month I have noticed that she had been writing flirtatious comments on her friends ''Facebook'' page. This guy is a former classmate from the semester before. I didn't say anything to her about it. But then I noticed a day later that they were txting each other back and forth. So naturally I asked who he was and tried to get a little more information about their friendship. She said he was just a friend who she met in school, so i disregarded it. Then the next day I had to use her phone and I noticed that all her messages from him were deleted but mine were still present
. A few days went by and then he messaged her again and she openly talked to him in front of me about 20 mins, until I left her house. It was late at night.
Randomly, The next day, she had asked me a question about how many messages my phone holds. I thought how weird of her to ask a technical question haha.. And I responded "A lot" then and asked her why? She said that her inbox was always full causing her to have to empty it frequently. I didn't think much of it until she had opened her phone near me ten mins later and she had 0 messages in her inbox.. I felt a little suspicious as to why she had randomly asked me about such a weird question. So I confronted her and asked her if she had been deleting her messages because she was tring to hide her conversations with this other guy the night before? She said no very defensively.. I asked her to calm down and told her I wasn't accusing her of anything, I was just asking out of curiosity. Then I asked her how long she had talked to him the night before and what their conversation was about? And she said that her conversation was about 2 1/2 hours long and they had openly shared information about each other and their life experiences and what not.. When I asked her what her interest and motive was for talking to him she said that he was an "interesting guy" and "just getting to know him". So, I asked your interested? and she said "Yes, I am just interested in him and I don't have a motive" I told her that their is always a motive behind why we talk to people, and gave her a few examples like mother talks to her son, hence the mother-son relationship. worker-boss relationship. then i said friend-friend and she said YES that's it! -pondering very deeply. I didn't feel to good that she couldn't point this out herself when i asked what the motive was.. She then said she wondered if it was wrong that she was talking to another guy so much and sharing such personal information, but couldn't really decide for herself..
So I told her that there is nothing wrong with making friends. Then I said if she had to question if it "may be wrong" then proceeded to hide it from me then it was probably wrong. And on top of that, you can not be "intrested" in another guy while your in a relationship!
So the next day later, we had had a discussion about it and she admitted to deleting the messages so I would not see them.
She also agreed with me that showing such an interest in another man is wrong and would be considered to be on a very thin line between cheating to some people. Me especially considering i am only interested in one other woman, her!
So, I gave her the ultimatum and told her simply that if she is interested in anyone other than me in this relationship then it will not last and that I am looking for a Christian relationship and that is not it. She was very defensive and didn't give me a definite "I love you and want to be with you". So i told her if she's not 100% then its done! We stopped and talked a little more and she broke down and expressed her sorrow then has made it clear that she wants to be with me and have me in her life.
I love her very much and am hurt that she betrayed my trust.
I think it is clear that she is confused, indecisive and doesn't know what she wants and is searching...
The way i see it is, if you are committed to someone and love them then you don't go behind there back to express a flirtatious, romantic interest in someone else. Further more, you limit yourself to other men and women by establishing boundaries in your relationship that make it clear to what is acceptable and what is not. And you have clear motives in the friendships you choose. These are things that have always been very clear cut to her and have been a cornerstone to our retationship in the past year. And one reason why i know this is that she has made it very evident in what she expects in my personal relationships with lady friends and this would not be tolerated... I try very hard to keep the lines of communication and trust open by encouraging her to ask any questions about any woman i have friendships with and she has done just that..
I noticed lately she is having a difficult time lately opening up to me about her problems and has not been very upfront about the things that are bothering her. this isnt like her. If she doesnt trust our relationship enough to share these things with me and is going to look else where for companionship then I wonder if this is just the beginning? Is it doomed for failure? I have made my feelings for her very clear and I show her every chance i get how much i love and care about her.
My main concern is she is interested in another person and has made it clear that she has been pursuing it, -secretively. For me that is grounds to dismiss a relationship. But I love her a lot and do not know what to do at this point.
Could someone give me some advice?
It would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you very much
PS. I am sorry this is so very long
but i wanted to make sure I included everything because this girl means a lot to me!