indyan

Hello, I am just wondering if I could get some advice on a matter that happened recently. I am new to this forum and have really liked the responses and input I have read so far.

Me and my finace is from india and we are into long distance relationship(I live 1000 miles away from her city) since last 4 year 3 months. We meet total of 9 times in these 4 years relationship and we are (were) very much close to each other. We were great at everything but since last 6 months after knowing that she has EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with her high school friend with whom she meet after 5 years. She meet him in her post graduation which ended last year. In her 2 years of post graduation she was there with him in the same city but the university was different.
Now here is my problem,My fiance and I have been together just about 4 years and things have been going great. She is very different from all of the other girls . Our parents are mutually agreed for our marriage and we are planning for marriage in next coming year.

In june 2010 one night I found that she her cell phone busy at night and asked her about it. First she lied to me that it was wrong number call. I thought she was saying right but when I checked her call details I found that she talked over that number many times during night and days hours. I called that number and asked who is there, He said “Aditya.” This guy is her high school friend. When I asked her why she is talking with that guy over night and days and lied to me she started shouting on me and scolding me for breaking her privacy, instead of accepting her fault she shouted all over and don’t accept it was bad thing for relation. She always told that he is his friend and will always remain. It hurts me a lot.
I tracked her previous call log and found that she was talking with that guy from last 2 years (She confronted it when I become angry on her.) Another thing which I come to know that she made another email account just to chat and mail that guy. When I asked for the password she denied to give me and said there are some personal mails which she don’t me to see. I asked what are personal between you and me? He is just your friend the why you are hiding it from me and above all what made you to make another email account if you are not wrong.
I warned her and told her to stop talking with that guy now else I will disclose everything to her parents but she wasn’t afraid of my warning. I gave her few warning but she just took my warning for granted and continued to talk with that guy. These things made me insane and one day my anger burst and I disclosed the things to her parents. Her parents asked her and she confronted again that HE IS JUST A FRIEND. And her parents accepted it.
Now coming to the point, In last 2 years she took me for granted and every time she denied my every request. She always tried to end the relation for every silly mistake; she always put me down and tried to dominate me. She used to talk to me over phone daily night and share every little things with me but since last 2 years she changed her time of sleep. I had to request her to come online, to pick calls, to text me. She used to ignore my calls my texts my mails by saying she is very busy in her studies/work.
I become angry whenever she ignored me but it doesn’t matter to at all. The more I show my anger the more she ignored me and the same time her cell becomes busy. She acted like a fearless.
After trying my level best in these last 6 months (from June 2010, when I came to know about that guy) to get the things on track she denied my every step by saying she has o more feelings for me and she don’t want to marry or continue this relationship with me .
I feel hurted and asked her to stop the things coz it will ruin our life. I tried to recall our past happy moment by sending her pics, mails and in December 1st week I went there to meet her and I thought after meeting me she will come back but nothing happened like that.

Now I am at this position that i use to abuse her scold her. Sometimes I get in mind to take revenge from her. But I stop myself coz I love her very much. She is taking me forgranted . Now after interference of her parents she is saying that she is not talking with that guy but when I last checked her call log (a month back) I found that guy number was dialed at late night.
I don’t know what need to do, I am very much angry and I am getting mind of taking revenge by teaching her lesson.
I forgot to mention that in last 2 years she behaved with me like a stranger, I begged infront of her to come back and be good to me but she never did. She always pointed out only my mistake and these things made me a depression patient. My mind has lots of noise like revenge, suicide and killing.
I asked her to visit marriage counselor so that we sort out the things but she denied and said I need a professional help not she. She is very fine and happy in her life. Now I become very abusive and don’t know what I will do one day if the things not change. I cant tolerate to see her ditching me on my face. I will not allow it .
I love her very much and am hurt that she betrayed my trust.
The way i see it is, if you are committed to someone and love them then you don't go behind there back to express a flirtatious, romantic interest in someone else. Further more, you limit yourself to other men and women by establishing boundaries in your relationship that make it clear to what is acceptable and what is not. And you have clear motives in the friendships you choose. These are things that have always been very clear cut to her and have been a cornerstone to our relationship in the past year.


My main concern is she is interested in another person and has made it clear that she has been pursuing it, -secretively. For me that is grounds to dismiss a relationship. But I love her a lot and do not know what to do at this point.

Could someone give me some advice?
It would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you very much

the guy

You can not control her, you can not make her love you, but you can show her... tell her that you will not tolorate her behavior and until you get the respect that you diserve you want nothing to do with her.

Some times it takes some tough love and by distancing your self from her. She may see what she may be missing (you) if she continues her affair. If she does not see it that way, then you will move on with your self respect.

Since you can't control her, you can control how you will be treated and what you will tolorate. You set boundries up so that you stop getting hurt and protect your self from more pain.

You can beg and plead and constantly request that she come back to you and she may even tell you what you want to hear, but is it really worth the pain when she does it again.

She has to do the things on her own that will make the relationship work. It is in her court and there is nothing you can do. You can't make her love you.

indyan

"The_Guy"
Thanks for your reply and i know that we cant force anyone to love . But what about my mind noise? she made me insane by saying lie regularly for 2 years and made me feel down everytime. Now I am in the stage of revenge and dont want to loose her at any cost. I am so much angry that even she not love me but i will force her to live with or marry me else i will do something bad. I dont allow anyone to play with my emotion and when i think of her with anyone my anger touches the roof. I cant trust her anymore. Instead of saying sorry after she caught, she become harsh and showed me the real face of herself which she was hiding. Now what?

Pit-of-my-stomach

Calm down and don't do anything stupid. She's not worth it. I promise you that.

your post makes reference to suicide, killing, hurting, and revenge. those statements jump off the page like a RED FLAG.

If she is making you feel this way already and you are not yet married, GET OUT RIGHT NOW. You deserve better.

If you have felt these things at any other point with any other women or in other situations, get help. The problem with this relationship may not be with you at all, but there is a problem. You should to talk to someone about this.

Be thankful there was a big sign in the road warning you that the "bridge was out" before you drove over the edge. Turn around, take another road.

I honestly wish you well, and I'm sorry for your pain.

the guy

Distance your self, don't show her anger or revenge. Show her that you are stronger then that. be confident that you will find some one else and that you don't need her. Poeple want what they can't have. If you keep aproaching her she will not see what she is missing.

Face it she is not sorry and you were blessed that you are not married and have no kids with her.

Your revenge is the fact that she is losing a great guy, and her loss is there is someone that truelly loved her and she is missing it...thats revange.

If she was really sorry there are things you can do to fight, but it seams she has moved on and as painful as it is getting revenge or hurting her will cause you to keeping thinking about her when you should be thinking about your self and how to move on.

Stop focusing on her and find something that will make you better person. In fact find someone else that will make you a better person

indyan

Pit-of-my-stomach,
I still want to give her chance and want to show her my love. My mind noise is making me insane and i am getting feeling that i was such a fool who was with her since last 2 years and never caught her. I trusted her every word and now when i caught her i see her real face.
Bro, cheater dont need to be forgiven. She need to be teached so that other take it as example. She is becoming fearless and always push me for taking revenge. I dont know when i lost my control and do any mischief.
Her parents are very much worried from her, these days she is suffering from low blood pressure and everyone thinks that it is due to me coz i disclosed her EF. and due to her health problem no one wants to talk to her and tell her she is wrong.

greeneyeddolphin

I do not condone her cheating. HOWEVER, you mention a couple of times in there that she has tried to break up with you, she has told you she has no more feelings for you and doesn't want to marry you. That makes it sound like she wants out and you refuse to hear that and let her go.

If that's the case, then why on earth would you still want to be with her? I mean, I understand that you love her, but if she so clearly doesn't love you (as evidenced by her telling you so and her actions), why would you care so little for yourself as to stay with her?

I would let her go. It's what she wants. She'll never be happy with you, and you will never be happy with her. Let her go and you can then find someone who does want to be with you.

__________________
Wendy

www.wendymillerwrites.com

indyan

atruckersgirl,
If she dont want to marry me then why the hell she asked my parents to visit her place for marriage dates in august 2010. Even after when i caught her she told that she will become good but she never did. Once she get a call from that guy she change her mind. That guy will not marry her even coz i gave her chance to go with him if you want to live with him but she denied and told me she only love me he is just his friend. But her act is not showing that she treat him as a friend only. Now the things become worst coz she dont want to talk me to me anymore regarding any issue. We are from india and here marriage took place from parents mutual acceptance. She not only broke the trust of mine but all our family members including her parents are disturbed with this activity.
Few months back she was dieing to marry me and now when she caught she find every fault inside me.
Letting go cant be happen in my case coz i was suffering from pain since last 2 years when she decided to cheat me and now when her act caught she want to escape. Now its her time to suffer for her misdoings and breaking trusts.

Pit-of-my-stomach

She doesn't deserve your love right now. Protect your ability to love someone, do not give it away foolishly. They may hurt it and it may leave you. You don't want to have to go looking for it when you find someone that deserves it and will cherish it.

You were not a fool. You loved. Love is trust, you could never have loved had you not first trusted. That does not make you a fool.

You weren't trying to catch her, why would you? If you were trying to catch her, you didn't trust her. If you didn't trust her, you didn't really love her. See the cycle?

indyan

Today morning she talked with me nicely and told me to co operate her in changing her life style. She lost feeling for me but she want to come back and she want my trust again. She also said that give her some time to get the things back and she will try to come back. But she asked me to calm down my anger and she need to be trusted again blindly so that she can cope up and bring the things on right track.
I dont know whether i believe her or not coz she is compulsive liar and in these 4 years i caught her lying more than 50 times but i forgave her just by thinking it was her last lie to me but it was never.
Now i am in stage of confusion. She really understood that she ruined the relationship and we need to work out on it? or it is her another card of making me fool so that i stop being angry and also stop spying her.
I am afraid if this time she break my trust what i will do only god knows.
Please advice mates.