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Chump Lady on Why You Can’t “Nice” People Out of Affairs

31K views 250 replies 48 participants last post by  Headspin 
#1 ·
This is another good piece from CL.

Why You Can’t “Nice” People Out of Affairs

This quote bears repeating!!!

"But here’s the thing — you can’t nice people out of affairs because you didn’t “mean” them into affairs in the first place. Their decision to cheat is completely on them. We don’t control other people. Our niceness doesn’t win them back. And our meanness doesn’t compel them to hurt us. Besides what crime did you commit that is proportionate to the punishment of being betrayed?"

The BS may be imperfect but they don't deserve the punishment of infidelity.As if the cheating spouse was perfect to begin with. HA!
 
#227 ·
Gus, here's my thought on your question - I notice that the majority of male betrayed spouses who tend to be more vocal toward wayward wives happen to be the ones who scream at the male betrayed husbands who choose reconciliation over divorce. The crowd of go work out and get a golden dildo, I mean ratio and take your life back and be a wolf alpha are the guys who just can't get over what happened. They're stuck. Why? I don't know, but they sure tend to enjoy posting about how any and every wayward wife should be dumped immediately. Yet, THEY have never moved on. THEY have never healed.

And THEY are the ones telling other men that their choice is the correct and only true one.

It cracks Dig and me up to be brutally honest.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#230 ·
Gus, here's my thought on your question - I notice that the majority of male betrayed spouses who tend to be more vocal toward wayward wives happen to be the ones who scream at the male betrayed husbands who choose reconciliation over divorce. The crowd of go work out and get a golden dildo, I mean ratio and take your life back and be a wolf alpha are the guys who just can't get over what happened. They're stuck. Why? I don't know, but they sure tend to enjoy posting about how any and every wayward wife should be dumped immediately. Yet, THEY have never moved on. THEY have never healed.

And THEY are the ones telling other men that their choice is the correct and only true one.
I'm probably somewhere in the middle of the two extremes; while I'm all for happy endings (NPI) where possible, let's face it... not all waywards want reconciliation. And, of those that do, I'd wager that at least a significant portion of them initially don't want to or are on the fence about it.

So yeah, advice needs to be situational. But even still... I'm of the opinion that, for a true reconciliation to happen, the WS/FWS needs to feel that the threat of divorce to be a very palpable and tangible thing.

It cracks Dig and me up to be brutally honest.
Still wanna meet that guy.

And welcome back! :D
 
#235 ·
I didn't nice my now ex-wife into giving our marriage a second chance. I nicely showed her the door. Turned out the other man didn't want her now that she was free.

I wasn't perfect, but that **** she was with paled in comparison to me.

I never heard of Chump Lady, I checked out her blog. She's on to something. I like her straight talk.
 
#236 ·
This site has a very cliquish vibe to it that I find off putting. Most people are divided into one of two camps and even some mods publicly "take sides" and throw their two cents out there when these heated debates arise. It's not my site so they can obviously run it however they want to, it just strikes me as a strange way to operate. Since nobody (mod or otherwise) is completely free from bias it kind of blows a hole in the whole impartiality thing.

Maybe impartial isn't what this site is going for though and that's certainly there choice to make. I personally think this place is gonna slowly transform into an LS style community. I wouldn't be surprised if there is an OM/OW sub forum added eventually, for people to discuss their ongoing affairs. Where they can exchange tips about keeping their adultery hidden from their spouse and describe their illicit hookups in all the juicy details with each other, under the guise of being "non judgmental" of course. Oh well, it is what is.
 
#239 ·
I know you are trying to be funny, but really, it isn't helpful to see everything to deteriorate into squabbling and name calling.

If people are going to attack one another, or believe every comment is really about them, they themselves should develop thicker skins.

Not sure what the solution is though, but for me it's to avoid this when I see it. I try to keep on topic , but it keeps getting derailed.

Moderators do what here?
 
#240 ·
I guess it is ok for BS 's to ban together to berate a WW but it is not ok for ww's to ban together and support each other?

I do not see anyone here slamming anyone else....I see people supporting other people.

I dont see any mods liking any WW's posts...although God forbid anyone like anyone's post that they dont agree 100% with.

What i see is community...a diverse community.

Maybe the mods could start a new forum titled...Betrayed spouses only

But this forum is coping with infidelity....which means Betrayed spouses and wayward spouses posting together learning to cope with the destruction of infidelity.

You can choose to post in this forum along with those you disagree with or you can post elsewhere...but no where in this forum does it say...Wayward wives keep out.

We have just as much right to post our stories as anyone else.
I am here WITH my betrayed spouse
EI is here WITH her betrayed spouse
REgret was here WITH her betrayed spouse until he got banned

Perhaps having both sides could teach us all something.
No one is asking for your approval....no one is asking for your help
We are here to try to help those who may be seeking and searching for answers other than divorce.

Coping means DEALING with
it does not means divorce.
 
#242 ·
I have absolutely no quarrel with almost all of what you said.
Until the last two lines.

Neither you or anyone else has the Right to tell anyone how they cope with infidelity. Some divorce some don't but everybody attempts to cope.
 
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#241 ·
This is actually still quite civil.

We cater to a wide variety of contributors.

With regard to the original post, I agree with Chump Lady.

It is very common for me to read the story of a male poster who comes here, self identifies as either having been a very compassionate, or conversely, a very aloof and inattentive partner, and all of a sudden, they realize something is 'off' with their spouse.

If their wife is in walk-away mode, or is having an affair, trying to pour on the love and attention generally has the exact opposite effect that the husband expects.

It's the equivalent of trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

What we have going on right now ... are 2 ... countem' 2 wayward wives who reconciled with their husbands YEARS ago, posting alongside betrayed husbands' who have not yet fully healed from the trauma and pain of having the person you love, smile, lie, and shove a dagger between your ribs while telling you that you're imagining everything.

They are 2 groups in completely different places on the infidelity spectrum.

It is a challenging act to balance.

The mods here try to provide some of that balance, provide insight via their own circumstances, try to ensure that people are somewhere within the horizon line of the guidelines ... and oh ... we ban people for no good reason whatsoever. ;)
 
#250 ·
This is actually still quite civil.

We cater to a wide variety of contributors.

With regard to the original post, I agree with Chump Lady.

It is very common for me to read the story of a male poster who comes here, self identifies as either having been a very compassionate, or conversely, a very aloof and inattentive partner, and all of a sudden, they realize something is 'off' with their spouse.

If their wife is in walk-away mode, or is having an affair, trying to pour on the love and attention generally has the exact opposite effect that the husband expects.


It's the equivalent of trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

What we have going on right now ... are 2 ... countem' 2 wayward wives who reconciled with their husbands YEARS ago, posting alongside betrayed husbands' who have not yet fully healed from the trauma and pain of having the person you love, smile, lie, and shove a dagger between your ribs while telling you that you're imagining everything.

They are 2 groups in completely different places on the infidelity spectrum.

It is a challenging act to balance.

The mods here try to provide some of that balance, provide insight via their own circumstances, try to ensure that people are somewhere within the horizon line of the guidelines ... and oh ... we ban people for no good reason whatsoever. ;)
Civil? Really, have you been reading what I am reading? When you have to use @#%**s instead of words, civility is not at hand.

When I first stepped into one of the posts where FWSs were interacting with BSs I wondered why would they do it? It was a serious question. Not that not everyone should be here, but why put up with the constant blame they feel? Why tell your story over and over again but claim you don't want to?
I was told it was to help, but I don't see that happening for either side and it seems hard to believe that someone would keep putting themselves out there with the same results.

The Reconciliation folder was mentioned, but it is a ghost-town. Normally 25-30 viewers to the 600-700+ here. I should be there myself, I guess, but there is little to respond to.

It makes me wonder why? I think the emotions are much closer to the surface here and there seems to be a draw to that. Maybe some just need an argument with someone other than their spouse?
 
#247 ·
headspin...not one time have i ever blamed you for your wife's infidelity...not one time have i ever blamed any betrayed spouse..not once...including my own.

EI and B1 tell the same story....if there was an issue between the two of them...if they were asking for help...i understand how you might want to voice your opinion...what i do not understand is why it bothers you so much...

I don't necessarily agree with everything EI says...but i never tear her apart and tell her that she did it wrong.

Do you not see...that what you are doing is helping no one?

It doesn't matter...they are fine...if they say they are fine why cant you just accept it and move on?

You are upset over something that has no bearing on your life in any way. Let it go...put her on ignore... put me on ignore...then you wont see anything we post.
 
#251 ·
headspin...not one time have i ever blamed you for your wife's infidelity...not one time have i ever blamed any betrayed spouse..not once...including my own.
But you do agree with others that do hold and show that opinion no matter what you say about your use of the 'like' function.

EI and B1 tell the same story....if there was an issue between the two of them...if they were asking for help...i understand how you might want to voice your opinion...what i do not understand is why it bothers you so much..
It tends not to bother me that much for ages and tbh I bite the bullet and keep out of it but recently the build up up of this attitude on here has finally got me and many others irritated and I've finally said something about it. About time someone did

I don't necessarily agree with everything EI says...but i never tear her apart and tell her that she did it wrong.
Neither do I but finally on this occasion I have done

Do you not see...that what you are doing is helping no one?
Helping ? That's not the point. We are a community on here with diverse views and stances and often I and others see stuff that we leave let go ........ but not this time

It doesn't matter...they are fine...if they say they are fine why cant you just accept it and move on?
What does that mean? I really have no idea what you're saying with that. If they are fine good luck to them. That is not what this conversation is about not from me anyway

You are upset over something that has no bearing on your life in any way. Let it go...put her on ignore... put me on ignore...then you wont see anything we post.
I'm entitled to an opinion on anything in matters of infidelity adultery as it's what brought me here so as much as you might have one - I'll have mine
 
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