Wouldn't you agree though, pit, that in order to get to the place hwere the stimuli for production of dopamine is present, one has to usually make a series of choices that alow exposure to the stimuli. And, that is where one , clearly, has control..
My opinion was part of the first post...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pit
I don’t think the majority of people involved in affairs set out with the intention of becoming adulterers. It is a snow ball effect. Most people don’t even know it’s rolling until its already gained significant speed.......
A bad (often dismissed as “innocent”) decision starts the ball rolling, which forces another bad decision, which may be difficult to cope with, which is rationalized, which kicks in all of the defense mechanisms, which force more bad decisions…. Etc, etc, etc….........
It most often starts as something “innocent” and somewhere along the line it starts… Chemicals get naturally released into the brain......
To address the question and comment about there being some people out there that would just never do it... I refuse to say never.
I believe without a doubt everyone has 'magical' combination of factors that if put into motion would begin to break down boundries and comprimise intimacy thresholds. That puts them in the crosshairs for a brain jaring burst of dopamine... and I do believe this is never or at least very seldom the intention.
So yeah, I do think everyone has a 'secret recipe'.
lol, guess the key is not letting all the ingredients get into the mixing bowl at the same time?. But, that could be tough considering you may not know what those ingredients are at any given time.... or who might have them....
Guess "they" were right about marriage being so much work... who'da thunk it?... (honesty disclaimer) not me, I wasn't prepared for this)
Me. I don't buy that it is an innocent activity or exposure gone wrong. A large % of th cheaters i encountered and spoke to , admitted that thye had the intention to cheat with someone and that they acted on it , trolling, before they even met their eventual partner. To me, I think in most cases it is premeditated, prior to the release of the chemicals.
MY first XW, for example, would set up shop at a hotel with a tavern. Travelling men were available and accomodations in proximity. No dopamine releas at that point, as her partners were not known, yet.
No doubt, lots of people out there set out with the intention of cheating or at least they are open minded to it. Then there are others that get swept up in the tornado of circumstances and find themselves where they never intended to be. Every cheater is the same while being entirely different I guess.
In my DS mind I know that if necessary (i.e. if discovered) she was always planning to end things but it surprised her how hard this would actually be to do.
That's the part of the betrayal that I have a hard time getting over and maybe never will...
In that regard, I agree with Pit of my Stomach as far as what happens post affair.
For me this is incredibly helpful/useful stuff to read
I do think though (and this is where I tend to agree with So What Now too) that the start of the affair is more of a rational process and less one caused by bad decisions and fog.
The word drug though is too general. Pot is a drug that many people use and live normally... Heroin on the other hand is not
I suspect there is a difference between the chemical feeling when falling in love vs falling for someone in an affair setting but I don't know that for sure...
And yes, under the right set of circumstances, I too believe almost anyone can cheat...
Anyone can cheat. In any relationship. It all comes down to, will they?
Me personally, I had BLIND trustin my ex husband. I know that is something I lost with him and it's something I will never get back with anyone again in a new relationship.
Honestly, now I think it's dangerous to blindly trust someone.
Honestly, I think my boyfriend should write you a thank you letter. You just bought him a lot more patience and understanding from me. Ive been in that "fog" before, not for cheating but for other things I knew were wrong so I kind of get what that's like. I am also well aware of the power of oxytocin. I breed horses, and I will often give mares a dose of oxytocin immediately following birthing that are only on their first or second foal or mares that have a habit of rejecting their foals. The oxytocin forces their brains to bond with the baby instead of killing/hurting it. Happens way more than you think it would. Also, you're article about controlling vs transparent was very helpful as well. Until I read that I was the controlling description, and thought that was totally fine. What you said really made sense to me, so thank you!
All I can say is WOW.....The original post...wow....having just found out my STBXH was cheating and that i was so completely blind to it...this explains a lot. Especially considering everyone pegged him as a "he'd never cheat, it's just not him"....
Wow this has actually helped me understand a few things that i just thought were excuses . my hubby was also the last person anyone thought would cheat , i was also one of those who said you cheat your gone and he isnt so yeah never say never
41Likes
Re: Never say Never 
