8yearscheating

I am reconciling with wife who cheated for 20 years. Everyhting i remember from those years has become a trigger that forces me to ask myself did she ever really love or was I just the father of her children and a breadwinner. I feel like she hated me 90% of the time to be able to do this. How else could she climb in bed with someone else.

How did you feel about your LS. Did he ever cross your mind when you were with the OM? Did you delude yourself into thinking you deserved it and it didn't matter how he felt or that he would never find out so it didn't matter. Did you feel he (the LS) deserved to be hurt for what he did to you?

If your reconciling, how do you feel now?

I never quit loving my wife and remained loyal for 26 years in spite of many opportunities and times when I knew my love was unrequited. I know I had angry outbursts with her that were disrespectful. She claims she headed for him everytime they happened. I got control of those outbursts 15 years ago. SO I feel the balance of those years were only justifications on her part. Even the start was a justification, she should have worked through it with me, not him.

Lazarus

You raise some interesting questions.

When one is given trust and then goes onto trash and violate it with licentious behaviour, a lot of soul searching ought to happen, particularly by the DS. But also for the LS too.

If there are problems in a marriage or long term relationship, seeking a solution should come from within, never outside a relationship. The pain and hurt is not worth it.

When opportunity presents itself, the decent thing would be to always consider how the LS would feel. Out of respect for the LS (and themselves), any opportunity presented should never go any further. Alas, if anything, infidelity seems to highlight a weakness in the DS' character and the utterly selfish me, me, me, gene.

For the LS it is like sleeping indirectly with all the partners of the DS' Affair Partner. It totally devalues, debases anything you thought you ever had. Even after DDay exposure the lies can keep pouring out. One wonders if it is ever possible to believe anything a cheater says because being plausible is a key skill learned during an affair.

Why can't the DS just come clean, once. It would make reconciliation so much easier. I hope you can find the answers here as many people give great insight on both sides of the fence.

JrsMrs

I'll bite.
Honestly, thinking of my spouse at the time mostly made me sad. The things I was getting from the 'other guy' were things I wanted from my husband, and that lead to a lot of mixed feelings. While in theory I was getting what I wanted, I really wasn't, because I never wanted to get those things from anyone else. I wanted them from him. It was kind of like getting a crappy second place prize, that only reminds you that you didn't get gold. At times I was happy to have a medal at all, but mostly it just felt like a poor substitute for what I really wanted.
So, yeah, there was sadness, and frustration, and moments where I told myself that he didn't deserve my fidelity, and got mad at him. But no, he didn't 'deserve' that any more than I deserved to feel unloved/unattractive/uninteresting in my marriage. Never, never have I felt hatred for him. More hurt at what I felt was unrequited love.
I don't think you can condense all those dynamic feelings into a single word. There is a lot more going on in a situation that that, and it is hard to even articulate.

8yearscheating

Thank you JRSMrs. Your honesty is appreciated. From my perspective, I have a very hard time looking back on the last 20 years because it feels like she hated me. I always believed that true love was unconditional and never wavered - the way I felt in spite of what was missing from her to me. If it's not that, then it is hate because my feelings never changed and her infideliity was the same as saying I don't need you, go away. If she had said that, then she would have showing her last bit of love. By not telling me so I could control my own life, she was saying I don't care about you and want to hurt you - hate.

Being self center is he same thing and infidelity is the ultimate expression of being self centered - all about her. That is not a marriage.

TNgirl232

I'm brave -

There are different types of affairs, so I can only speak to my experience. I had been with my ex since I was 16, we had a child at 18, got married at 21. My ex was controlling and emotionally abusive. I had very low self esteem. When I got into the real world (away from the small town where I grew up), and a co-worker started paying attention to me, my thoughts and ideas were valid, I wasn't stupid or not good enough, I feel hard. I felt like yes I did deserve to be selfish. All my life I had been living up to someone else's expectations and never quite measuring up. I got tired of it and decided to do something that made me happy. It wasn't intended to hurt my ex (and it hasn't, as I never told him and he has no idea). Our marriage had less conflict and fighting during that time than it had at any other point. My current husband is aware of the whole thing, and doesn't judge. He says its impossible to judge someone's actions when you didn't know them or the situation they were in.

Now - did I learn something? Yes. I will never go back down that path. My ex cheated on my (some would say Karma) but honestly it didn't really bother me that much. It was the path out the door. Now, I see how much it hurt our families, friends, etc. Its not worth all that. If your that unhappy, you need to say something well beyond you get to that point (and I did try with my ex, but he always would say "you aren't going to make this my fault" so I just quit trying to talk to him because it was my fault anyway. He constantly accused me of having an affair , long before I ever did).

Now - I'm fairly sure my story and your wife's story have very little in common. But its the only experience I've got.

the guy

8,
This is what she told me so take it for what it worth (she'll be home from work so I'll let her responde for her self latter) If any of you know my story it will make alot more sense, for those of you that dont I recommend you read the guy with the cheating wife 1st.


My wife felt like I didnt care but she still had to keep it secret for the safety of the OM, so the excitment of being scared was a turn on.

She felt I was doing the same thing, there were alot of red flags on my end so some revenge was there

my wife felt sad that it was self preservetion in order to get attention and validation she had to get it from OM. the man she loved was there for that.

It felt good these young guys doughted on her, there were guys that wanted her.


She felt mean, some OM wanted her to leave me and she had to tell them what she thought about guys that slept with married women, and it was just a thing.

The sex was good they kissed her and said sweet things to her, it was soft and loving. That was the best part of all of it.

8yearscheating

Guy,
In my case, we had our troubles but I stayed loyal and always kept trying to work things with her. She would run from arguments, shut down and fester on them. Today she brought up something that happened 18 years ago and I asked her if she I thought I would act the same way. It was the death of a friend of hers and I was out of the country on a three week business trip. I tried hard to spend all the time on the phone with her I could I could (precell phone and skype days) and even asked my boss if I could come home but he wouldn't let me because it wasn't a direct relative of hers. To this day she hasn't forgiven me for not being there for her. When I asked if she thought I would do the same thing today, she said "no, your secure enough in position now that you tell them you were going home and they wouldn't question you and you would be there for me". So her inability to work out these issues with me and let them go drove her infidelity. I told her today I felt our anniversary would now be the day we retook our vows, not our original wedding date. I don't think I can put my heart into celebrating something that ended 20 years ago. I was married and she wasn't. I told her part of my starting over and putting the past behind me was grieving over the loss of the woman I originally married and starting new with a new woman that would unconditionally love me, and would divorce me before cheating on me. I was starting new, new vows and new woman, not the one she has been for the last 20 years. I considered that person dead as well as that marriage, I was grieving over it just like losing a loved one and moving on with life. I also told her that I could never forget, only move forward until the pain of the loss dimmed with time and became less and less frequent. I also told her I was not asking for a license to make her feel bad, punish her or keep reliving the past. It would be my best effort to move on. But she had to realize I could not turn it off like a light switch. She would need to place me first when I was having problems and help me pull out. Just like I have always tried hard to do for her. She was real upset over that. We will see how feels after she has had time to think about it. Am I Asking too much? How else can I move forward?

Would love to hear your wife's direct opinion on my feelings and comments on how she felt.

Thanks for your help

the guy

8
Doing the renewal on Mar.26 our 20th anny.

I have the same feeling also and the grief of lossng a marriage and the woman I married, but I just believe we both will be in a better place from here on out.

I to wont forget but I refuse to let the negitivity bring me down, just one of my new boundries.

I will not go through the3 rest of my life say wo as me, poor me , I want to learn from this and conquere it from ever happening again.

This cheating crap sucks so bad we just have to be better then all the negitivity it can bring.

Good luck man love your wife, share, and have good sex.

I do miss the rough sex though I realize it isn't healthy for my marraige I still miss it. and I didn't type this for miss guy to see:-)

I be on with wife 7 pm Pacific (10 pm eastern)

the guy

I cheated and it felt good. I was good at what I did and always was early and didnt mind staying late. I often took it home with me.

As time went on I did it more and more. I felt as long as I could provide for my family I was doing the right thing. I felt the harder I did it the better off I would be.

Little did I know that the love of my life would have caused my wife to feel so neglected.

Sometime I wish I was unemployeed.

Affaircare

I find it fairly sad that there would be a thread like this, asking DS to open up and be honest, and yet when they are, they are treated like this thread: I am having an affair

This reminds me of what it's like in a marriage, pre-affair. "If only he/she had been HONEST with me and told me!" the loyal wails, and yet the DS *was* honest and *did* tell you and rather than hearing "Thank you for your honesty; those are tough words and they sting but let me think about them" what happened. Oh yeah--yelling, belittling, name-calling, angry explosions, and then the cold shoulder. Do you know what that teaches a disloyal spouse? NEVER, under any circumstance, tell the truth to your loyal because that is the reaction you'll get.

Sooooo...I would be happy to tell you what I thought of my LS but you know what? I'm quite positive if I told the truth I would be treated like this: I am having an affair. Nope. Sorry. Treat some DSs better first and I may consider actually answering.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

Idontknownow

Actually my husband admits to not feeling he had the ability or his opinion wasn't worth sharing. Not just to me but since he was a child. He really was not raised that self expression was important or that he was worth listening to.
That feeling of not being able to open up along with being on a ship and feeling disconnected is what he says made him seek an emotional connection.

Affaircare

To keep my own personal cards very closely guarded, that can be part of it yeah. And then when the loyal says, "Just be honest" and you are...and the result is a week of the cold shoulder...or a week of being screamed at. I'm not dumb: lesson learned "NEVER tell the truth or you'll get this. Telling the truth IS NOT SAFE!"

Okay the truth really can be hard to hear. I get that. But if someone trusts you enough to stick their neck out and really SAY the truth, even if it really hurt you like a slap on the face, at least say, "Well thank you for being honest. That hurt but I'm going to think before I respond." What does that teach? Here's the lesson: "The result of being honest is medium safe."

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

the guy

AC- feel like i've just been scolled, maybe I was getting alittle froggy b/c me and my W will be on latter, or I had a ax to grind, no at the very least feeling alittle sarcastic.

alphaomega

Well said.

8yearscheating

If your talking to me Affaircare, I do tell my wife thank you for being honest and do not tear into her when we discuss the affair. I am allowed to voice my feelings - if I don't then I'm going down the path she did when she held it in. I did have some angry outbursts with her but they were the exception and not the rule. She also had hers and I might add much much more frequently than I because she has had problems with her thyroid, epstein bar and recurring depression. I don't expect her to be eprfect and would let it pass when it happened. Everyone has their moments. If your referring to my posts about the girl who is cheating and not telling her husband, I think that is wrong under any circumstance. If my wife had been honest with me 20 years ago, we either would have worked through it or divorced then. I never see a reason for someone to support disloyalty. Like I said in my post, being supportive in that situation is like offering an alcoholic a drink, it's enabling and not supportive.