Sleeping in separate room okay?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Sleeping in separate room okay?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-02-2011, 09:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sleeping in separate room okay?

It is just shy of a month of finding out about my wifes affair. I decided (as some of you know already) to work at getting everything back together (of course providing she does too) and get our marriage stable, and better then before. I have been sleeping for the most part in the same bed since I moved in, but some nights when the emotional pain comes in, I feel the need to sleep away from her, just to have her wake me up at 3 or 4 am and beg me to come back to bed with her. Tonight was really bad and I could barley think of being in the same room at all with her I decided to sleep in our spare room. She asked why, I told her it has only been a month, she said okay, and looked like I just shot her in the face, and walked away. Even though I am choosing to to work things out, is it okay for me to want to sleep alone for a while? Or should I try to push threw and force myself to endure at night to help things along?
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

No I say push threw.
Something just doesn't make sence, I can't put my finger on it but at least share the same bed.

I think it will help reconnect the both of you. Stop running from it.
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

HAHA, well theguy, ask any question and I will answer....I am not running from the marriage I am running worried she will forget about what has happened. She told me the other day she wants us both to forget about this and move on, which got me a tad upset and I told her there is no way I could ever forget and that i could forgive. I told her I do not want her to forget either, because once she forgets what happened this time she might do it again. But you have given me solid advice, and I will try tonight.
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

I agree with guy - do not leave the bed! You may not feel like but but suffer through it. She is still trying to connect with you and you do not want to lose that spark or let it go out.

At some point you do need to tell her that you will not be able to forget this but at some point you may be able to forgive her. This is where you tell her that you will need her assistance in becoming transparent in her actions, writing a No Contact Letter, agreeing to discuss details of this whole mess.

I think Affaircare gives some excellent advice I saw earlier in another post. Take the approach of telling her you do need details and full disclosure as many times as it will take, but you might want to suggest to her that you will ask maybe 3 things a day and talk about it for a set amount of time like 30-60 minutes.

But you have a plus in your corner - she's still with you and showing a little remorse and guilt and she's still at HOME with you wanting you in her bed!!!
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

Wayne, I just ment the bed, I'm hip from your other posts...you and her are working on the marraige. I was not trying to be weird or anything just given a perspective on the bedroom specificly. Cool?
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

Lol, yeah its cool guy. I understand.
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Old 02-03-2011, 01:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

Me and my H did that often, sleep in separate beds/rooms.
Me and my children slept together which helped us ease our pain. I ended up not wanting to sleep with him at all by the end. Sometimes i did feel i missed him being next to me but felt that if he was able to make himself sleep in someone elses bed he could make himself sleep in mine. It didnt matter to him whether we slept together or apart so it made me think that he was still missing sleeping in someone elses bed.
I guess he made me feel like i didnt want to sleep near him after his affair either.
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

One month is very early in the post affair, recovery process.

Sleeping separately is quite normal considering the intensity of the trauma, and residual feelings.

Hell, at 1 month past DDAY.....I was on tranquilizers and unable to go to work for 3 months.

Recovery is a process.

There will be nights you WANT to be with her, and nights you want to be far from her.
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Old 02-03-2011, 08:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

Thanks everyone for the advice. I will try my best. I have another thread tittled job, or something like that. I think I am going to put my 2 weeks because I can not stand being away from home at night anymore. I got home Sunday in a wreck after being able to think of things all night.
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

When I first found out about my H's EA I reclaimed the bedroom as my "safe place" for a week. My place to sleep, write, cry, mope, watch TV, scream into a pillow.

I didn't demand him out or order him not to come in. I told him I needed space and he took the couch and only when I invited him back did he come.
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

I'm only a month past d-day too and understand the desire to make sure the DS "doesn't forget". I brought it up in a counseling session and the therapist gave some good advice.

She said I couldn't "control" the level of guilt and remorse my spouse is feeling by my actions. The DS spouse either feels it or not, regardless of what you do. So, instead of looking at what your actions are giving (punishment?), what are you getting? What do you want?

I feel better when I'm in bed with my H. I'm getting reassurance that he wants me and not the OW. One particular night the anger made me want to be alone, so I slept on the couch until the anger passed. By 4am I was right back in our bed.

Hope this made sense.

I should add, this advice is for those that have a DS willing to work on the marriage and has already done everything they need too as far as no-contact and transparency. Not really the same if a DS is still in contact, lying, or still in the fog. Which doesn't sound like your situation.

Last edited by Saffron; 02-03-2011 at 11:00 AM. Reason: Added something to post
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

Thanks Saffron! For the most part you are right, it is not my situation. The only part that is, is that I keep finding things out. She ha been transparent to a point. I have passwords, and FB account info, and I always had access to our phone bill. But, I keep finding things out, like about money she had hidden away, I just found that out this morning. She said at first it was in case we divorced, (because she knew I would get the kids) but the said it was for that get away we talked about. (she asked last week that once we get caught up on bills, and get more settled if we could go on a getaway, I said I would think about it). I know it is normal, and it is called the "trickle truth" but dammit....har har, it sucks...I guess I am venting about how much it sucks.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:37 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

That does make it more difficult, way more. My DS did the "trickle truth" for the first few days. Finally, he revealed everything and answered every question I asked. Even stuff that hurt to hear.

So, the first two weeks were brutal on my emotions. I'd ask questions and he didn't sugar coat the answers. But, now he says all "bombshells" are revealed. Once in a while a little detail comes out that sucks to hear, but it's not something he was trying to hide. Just didn't come up.

He wants to reveal some things, in order to move on too. The other day he asked not to end our emails/notes the way we used to, because that's how they did. He feels slimey he used the same thing, but he doesn't want to have constant reminders of the affair either. So, now we have a new way to end notes & emails.

Although painful, I think getting all the hurt out at once is better. Once you have a pretty clear picture, then you have to ask yourself if that's enough. I always wait to ask a question about the A, to make sure I really want the answer.

Good Luck!
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:50 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sleeping in separate room okay?

For the most part, I am pretty sure, and confident she has told me everything (even the nitty gritty) about the PA, and 85-90% of the EA she was having with him. Right now, its pretty much her feelings, and like you said little things. Thank you for the luck, I (as well as others on this site.) need it.
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