She's staying with a mutual friend of ours right now during the seperation. The problem is he lives directly off the main road. The road I take to/from work. There is no alternate route with out really going out of my way and doubling the time it takes to get home.
The weeks when I have the girls. Her car is never there, I mean never. Not in the morning, not shortly after lunch when I get my oldest off the buss and not when I leave to go home. NEVER. So I know she's with the OM 24/7 during those weeks. They work together and spend every minute up each others buts b/c they are madly in love with each other they can't stand to be apart.
Ever time I drive by my anxiety shoots through the roof and thoughts flood my head of what they can be doing together.
I am lucky that my route between home and work is away from my wife's place. I would have to deliberately drive down a cross road to see if her car is there or not, but I choose not to. When I get to thinking about my wife and her "fling" my anxiety shoots sky high as well, but it is how I react that counts. I have decided that there is nothing that I can do about it, and so I move on. Hell yeah it hurts, but I have decided to move on with my life, to make a difference, and to show the community that I am the bigger person. I am learning to "let go" and to move on with my life. This was a very difficult step for me to take, it took many friends advice many times to accomplish this. It was a post on another thread that I had read that finally made the advice "stick" to my head.
I finally got tired of all my anxiety attacks and wondering what was going on with her. I have discovered tha tthe harder I tried, the farther that she pulled away. As long as she is doing what she is doing, she will keep digging herself a deeper hole. As long as I keep doing what I am doing, I will continue to soar higher. My Church community do see this, I get all sorts of "How are you doing" and "Keep up the good work" comments. I figured tha tonce she realizes what she is doing and feels guilty, then she will call me and try to work things out. If she does, then Iwill take it slow, but if not, then there will be no great loss. I can find another one.
I know, I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do to change what she did or is doing. Some times it helps and other times not so much. For the most part during most days I'm ok and can put it out of my mind. It's just driving by that damned house that always gets me. Doesn't happen every time but at least 80% of the time as I approuch the corner and know the house is right around the bend my heart starts to race. Will her car be there this time.. just this one time put my mind at ease. Nope, not there and know exactly where she is at and what she is doing. Then my heart starts to race even more.
She's supposed to watch the youngest tomorrow morning. So she SHOULD be spending the night at the friends house and not the OMs. That'll put my mind at ease a little, unless I drive to drop her off in the morning and she forgot she was going to watch her today. I'm always looking for the worst case scenario.
I'm trying not to show her the hurt and emotions, so that much I've got control over.
Good luck Brian. I know the pain that you are going through. I still love my wife very much. I sometimes keep expecting that phone call with her on the other end saying "I am sorry, can we work this out?" But in all reality, I know that this won't happen. By me backing off, and literally ignoring her, I know that she will no longer see how I am feeling, and that she will no longer have that control over me. All that she can control for now is my visitaion with my daughter, and even then she really can't, because my visitation has been ordered by the court and she cannot break it. So in a sense, I have some control over her.
Anyway, as I said earlier, lonliness hurts. Knowing that she is with some one else hurts like hell too. But as long as we do not allow this to consume us, we will come out on top. If we lose our wife, that is really not a big deal, as long as we do not lose our kid(s). Call me cold? Maybe, but I feel that she has already passed the cold on to us.
Well, I was able to hang in there my our daughters birthday party with her and her family at my house. I have to say my house because that's what my wife calls it now and not our house.
Got home and she was there with the 2 kids and said she will be leaving in a few minutes. I asked her to stay and go with us to PetSmart so our daughter can spend her bday money. She kept saying no because she is still scared to be alone with me. I kept saying this isn't about us and this is our daughters day. Said we won't be gone long and I know she would appreciate you coming. So she came and it was a non event.
Once we got back home she got some of her things together and left. It was about 5 and the party was starting at 7. She said again, she doesn't want to be in the house alone with me. I calmly said Ok, I can understand that and sorry you still feel that way but I have to accept it.
She got to the house earlier then anyone else and I asked her to help me set everything up which she did. She helped me pass out cake and drinks and everything was going smoothly. After everyone was done she even started doing dishes for me. We didn't speak to each other very much.
Everyone started leaving and I asked her if she would hang around for a few minutes. I thanked her for being there for her daughter, thanked her for helping out with the dishes when she didn't have to. Told her this is still also her house and her family and we would love for her to come home, that I know it's not going to happen soon but to think about it. Told her I hope you can see I'm changing and you don't have to be scared while around me anymore. Gave her a hug, told her I love you. Then she left.
God I don't know how I managed to hold it together that well because now typing this all out I just want to curl up in a fetal position and cry. I did it though, I have to be strong and show her I'm stronger now.
BrianE. I see that things could have went another direction, or even went south on you, but it didn't. She apparently felt comfortable enough to have hung around and stuck it out. You had shown her that you were not overbearing or over demanding, just relaxed and easy going, let things go how they may. Any pressure on your part would have resulted in her backing off, and by how I interpret your story, it seemed that she did not. This to me shows a sign of promise, but I wouldn't be in a hurry to"patch things up".
Of course the other side of the coin here could be that she was maintaining her composure for the sake of your daughter. But her doing the dishes? There to me is a sign of promise. Hang in there. Let time do its thing. Let her discover on her own how serious you are at committing and keeping the changes that you are making. She will realize this once her eyes have opened up.
I can only wish that my story could go like this. Your story is inspiring. Hang in there!
Not only the dishes but before I got home she was washing the bed sheets and suck too, I was shocked to say the least. What does she care if they care clean? She's not sleeping on them.
I asked her if she wants to come this weekend with me and the girls to take our oldest fishing, since I got her a fishing pole for her birthday. She didn't immediately say no, said she would think about it. I said that's all I can ask. She also said she still wants to go to the joint counseling session Saturday so that's a plus as well. I can only imagine how that is going to go because the therapist wants to talk about the OM during this session.
Was happy when I drove to get my daughter off the bus. Since I have to pass by the friend she is staying with. Her car was out front so I know she was there all night after the party and didn't go to see him after being with her family or go spend time with him today.
I'm trying to keep calm and let these baby steps pile up and not be too pushy or demanding.
Not only the dishes but before I got home she was washing the bed sheets and such too, I was shocked to say the least. What does she care if they care clean? She's not sleeping on them.
She is probably realizing what she has been missing out on, and that is stability and following a program that she was use to.
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She also said she still wants to go to the joint counseling session Saturday so that's a plus as well. I can only imagine how that is going to go because the therapist wants to talk about the OM during this session.
This is good news! Maybe you should ask the counselor to not bring up the OM during this session. Maybe talk to the counselor regarding what has transpired as of late. He/she will know where to go with this (hopefully).
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didn't go to see him after being with her family or go spend time with him today
Maybe this is another piece of good news. I can translate this as that she did not find what she was looking for, so she is "finding" her place in her life.
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I'm trying to keep calm and let these baby steps pile up and not be too pushy or demanding.
Continue doing what you are doing, obviously it seems to be working. Patience is a must here. Sometimes it takes a great deal of hard work and effort if the relationship is worth saving.
I am hoping that others will chime in here and offer their two cents worth. My instinct tells me that smething is working here, and not to give up or impatient. She is coming aroung on her time, as she is starting to understand the real truth of things.
I know of the 5 love languages and we both took the tests before this whole fiasco started. I started to change how I showed love to her but in her words "It was to late and I didn't change fast enough" I got about 2 months before she threw in the towel after that.
5 Love Languages is an awesome book if you implement it in time.
It may be too late for me, but I will still give this a try.
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Originally Posted by BrianE
I know of the 5 love languages and we both took the tests before this whole fiasco started. I started to change how I showed love to her but in her words "It was to late and I didn't change fast enough" I got about 2 months before she threw in the towel after that.
I know what you mean by "it was too late..." My changes were too lat, but as I have discovered shortly after, so were hers. She was afraid that my "change" was superficial and only short term. I intend to keep doing what I am doing and to show her that my change is permanent.
Yes that is true. My husband was supposed to read that book in our premarital counseling and never did. Keeps saying he will and doesnt. By the time he does I'll be way past over it lol
Well, for some reason this morning I wanted to torture myself. When I drop our youngest off at the baby sitters I don't have to drive by the friends house who she is staying with. She's been there Tuesday and yesterday and not with the OM. For some reason this morning I wanted to drive by there after dropping the youngest off. Well, I was nervous has hell when I took the turn onto that road. Got around the corner and... her car was there! So left me with more hope that this is now 3 days she hasn't stayed the night and spent all day with the OM.
I'm also having to constantly prove that these changes are real and I'm listening more to what she is saying. I've started by repeating back to her what she says to make sure I understand. 1 other thing I've been doing is asking for hugs when we part ways. 1 of her biggies for showing love is physical contact. So I keep asking for hugs to show her I do love her and am trying very hard. She keeps letting me, so I have to hold onto hope for that as well.
I'm still very nervous about this Saturdays session and talking about the OM. Not sure how she is going to take that.
Awesome! Let me know how your counseling session goes as me and my husband are making an appointment. Im not sure how thats gonna go. He always asks a lot of questions and I dont want to deal with them because theyre very personal/inappropriate and Im not emotional. My husband is at his moms because I thought that was better than us living together and doing more damage. What do u think?
Brian, everytime I log on, I keep seeing good news from you. This is awesome! I am happy for your success! As you may have discovered, do not overwhelm her. Apparently the pace that you are on seems to be just right. Keep us up to date. Sounds like you just may have a successful reconciliation story to post on here some day!
God I hope. I could use some good news now. Broke down again at work because the ***** of an owner said I wasn't doing my job properly. But the things she was asking isn't a very reasonable request and most not even possible. It was a good test though of my self control of my anger. Went to my office, closed the door to vent for awhile, took a xanax and tried to let it go.
jem5,
It might have been a good idea to be separated. That's how it was with me and W. Being together through all these emotions was just toxic and did no good. On the opposite side for maybe 6 weeks we went without talking or seeing each other and that became just as toxic for when we did have to see each other we would both blow up. Right now we are at a good middle of the road, not much pressure and most of all listening.
Re: When will she snap out of it... 
I'm always looking for the worst case scenario. 
So left me with more hope that this is now 3 days she hasn't stayed the night and spent all day with the OM.
