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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-06-2011, 02:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Cheating Wife

Well I have joined a club I would have never voluntarily done.
To make a long story short, I am a young 60 year old no one beleives by age I am in good shape and eat well and rarely ever drink. I will be married 40 years in June. Yes got married very young! My wife is attractive for her age (58) but overweight which has never bothered me. In March of 2010 I had prostate cancer surgery. The surgery went well all test since then are good, but to say that I was not devastated is an understatement. Before the surgery we were very sexually active. I thought we were both happy. The recovery took a bit of time but I was lucky enough to maintain my potency. Of course Viagra was prescribe and with the use thereof I am the same as before. If any man on here has ever taken Viagra; there are some side effects. I was certainly willing to suffer the mild side effect to satisfy my wife. Well for the last 8 months or more I would always say "let me know if you want me to take a Viagra" She has to this day never asked me to take one. I guess I thought she was no longer interested considering her age. Lets get to the chase. This past Tuesday I received our cell phone bill and since it was more expensive than normal I had pulled up the usage detail. There were two calls to a nearby state which I didn't recognize. I normally call my wife in the morning to give her a wake up call for work. I go in much earlier than her. I asked her about the phone numbers and she said, "what are you checking my calls". I explained why I had looked at the bill. She then said it was someone that we both knew but hadn't seen in 2 years. None of us were close. I said oh what were you calling him for. She said she had been having a sexual affair with him since September and was just at my house Monday 2/1 before she went to work and they had sex. Well I was at work, nearly went beserk and was yelling at the top of my lungs to determine why this happened.
I left work since I was a basket case and went home. That night when she came home I tried to talk calmly no yelling or anything. She said it was just sex, she had no emotional feelings for him and that she would call him in front of me and tell him she would not be seeing him again. She went through with the call but reached his answering machine. She told him it was over and she had no idea how devastated I was over it.
It has been quiet since with us talking out the details. I told her I virtually begged for the last 8 months for sex and only had it once or twice. I told her how could she have him over first thing in the morning when I never was offered morning sex before my hectic workday. She said it was the only time they were both available to meet. I am numb, she refused to see a marriage councilor and swears it will never happen again. I have a hard time believing her. Oh by the way they had unprotected sex! As I said I hardly no this guy. Obviously she does. She said we would work on the sex part of our relationship. What's there to work on, I have always been ready. She almost acts like nothing happened currently she is watching a comedy on TV and laughing. I can't laugh but can cry which I have done. Where do I turn? I don't want to end a long term marriage we have two adult children and 5 grandchildren. Oh another funny thing she said when I was trying to find out what I did wrong and how could I correct anything to make this work. She said several weeks ago someone at work had offered her a puppy and I flat out said no. We have had our share of pets over the years and I don't want any ties with a pup when we both work full time. She said that made her mad. Well so go f--k some one else over such a trivial matter. I sure could use some advice. Right now I feel like sh-t. Anyone please help me move on or suggest how I deal with this
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Wife

Sorry you are here under these circumstances. You have to be calm and clinical. Do not threaten or cajole her.

For her to demonstrate how serious she is, she hand writes a no contact letter to the OM ( other man) sample below.

Sample No Contact Letters

You then send it certified post to him and a copy via text message.

She may say no, ensure she understands that this is for you to help recover from her deceit. She may decline do not force her she should do this willingly.

Do not believe she called his real number it may be a preplanned number with his voice mail at the end. Check the details against the bill.

Book an doctors appointment for her to have an STD check , use her normal doctor, then you confirm the appointment with her.

You find the details of the OM, is he married, has children etc..

You let his wife and children know he is having an affair with your wife. Do not mince the words if you need some words post and they will be provided. This is not revenge this is the recommended process by Harley from marriagebuilders.com

Do not believe a word your wife says,about it being over, she will lie. Your wife seems rather secure to be sitting laughing at the TV after committing adultery. You have to be absolutely certain this is over before you start trying to recover the marriage.

One of the recommended steps is to tell your children of the affair. There are other steps to follow I suggest you read the articles under the MB site.

Articles


and affaircare site

Articles

Many will tell you not to tell your children and leave things as they are.. I am advocating a processes set out by Harley to ensure the affair is over and the marriage can recover that include you being able to recover.

Buy the following book:

Surviving an Affair by Harley... both of you must read this..

If she had sex in your marital bed,or guest bed etc.it is a trigger for you, dump it and all the bedding and she can help get rid of it. You must not have the triggers in your house.

Check your accounts are secure and no moneys have been moved out.

What I can't get from your post , did she show remorse, cry etc..

For now be very strong for yourself. Post regularly and ask any questions.

Last edited by Eli-Zor; 02-06-2011 at 03:12 PM.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Wife

She said he is not married and as I remember he is not.
I would have no idea how to find his address. That is a good idea because I was tempted to call him. Would that be the wrong thing to do. I can't believe she did this after I had two cancers within 2 years and survived both with good reports everytime I go in for follow-up.
I don't feel like going to work or anything although I know I have to. I have a very good job and great salary so I can't mess that up. I work 30 minutes from home so can't just pop in and check up on her.
Thanks for the feedback. I was thinking of getting tested by my Dr. also. Any problem with that?
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Wife

Re read my post above I was making changes while you posted.

Quote:
I was thinking of getting tested by my Dr. also. Any problem with that?
Yes , ensure she knows you are going in as well.

Quote:
I work 30 minutes from home so can't just pop in and check up on her
You won't have to if you tell your children and ensure the OM is out of the picture. Ask the neighbors to let you know if someone come to your house. Do not be shy your wife is proud to have had the affair she should be doing everything to recover the marriage and trust.

Your wife must know where he stays, she won't just have his phone number. Are you in the US? There are web sites that can be used to track his address down.

Quote:
Did she show remorse when you were talking
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Wife

As a wife who has cheated, by downplaying it there is obviously some issue you havent addressed in the marriage. You need to work out whatever that is otherwise it will happen again. She did it for a reason. I did not intentionally want to hurt my husband but later realized how I had felt so taken for granted in my marriage and how having someone else give me attention made me feel appreciated for once in a long time. You need couples therapy and get to those issues before it snowballs. I certainly was not nonchalant about it and for her to be so carefree seems very cruel.
Hope that helps.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Yes we are in the US east coast.
When were talking she said she was so sorry to have hurt me.
She was tearful. I asked her why she would have confessed that to me over the phone when I was at work. She said she had never called him from her cell phone and that was the first time. I have checked old bills and that checks out. She said she thinks she wanted me to catch her. She was brutally honest. I can't imagine why she would admit to it so readily instead of lying and maybe say they just were talking.
I was amazed she told me to be honest. Don't most people try and lie when they are caught?
Should I not call him?
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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From what you have written she sounds like she may have wanted to get this over with. Her current behavior may also be one of lets forget and move on quickly.

The NC letter will help you and confirm her remorse and willingness to recover the marriage.

Quote:
Should I not call him?
Do you have the constitution to rage against him? if you do then do so, be clear with your words and say what needs to be said.

A better way is to track down those that affect him, children, siblings etc and send out the note.

I will post the sites to use to locate his address.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Your wife has a lot to lose , I suspect she realized this once you questioned her and she was not fully aware of what you knew.

You need more info like how did this start, how did they first hook up etc.. only you can decide how much information you want and when to stop as it is time to move on.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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If they care about you, they will tell the truth. Honestly some women do want to get caught. Its actually a cry for attention. Shes drawing attention to an issue even if she isnt aware of it. Please please make her go to a marriage councelor. Biggest mistake i've made is not making him go with me right then and there. Men tend have a sortof embarrassment when it comes to the wife cheating and dont want to tell other people. Do not simply forgive her and try to pretend it didnt happen. Even if she thinks she wont cheat again, she knows she can. She might actually have a drop in respect towards you for letting her off too easy.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Try these

peekyou.com

peoplesmart.com

Spokeo.com

There are others as well if these do not yield the information let me know and I I will find them for you. You enter the mobile number and they reverse lookup the address for you. There is normally a small fee associated.

Read the articles on the sites I gave you, you may have closed the affair down already. Once you are certain it is time to focus on rebuilding.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thats a very interesting perspective. I just mentioned to her that she was really enjoying that TV show laughing etc. She seemed to get pissed. I don't want her in a corner crying but I feel very empty confused and I don't know what else.
I know I am not perfect but I feel like I was the perfect husband. I always left her little love notes on the kitchen counter when I went to work, scraped the ice and snow off her car so she didn't have to do it. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that since surgery, I could not get my wedding band back on. I said since we are having a big anniversary in June why don't we get new ones. She didn't say much but suddenly yesterday when I brought it up again she said she couldn't get hers on either! What did she take it off for??? I had surgery and CAT scans often so I had an excuse she didn't.
She want to be intimate. Should I have sex with her? I am so confused and don't want to make mistakes here. She will not got to therapy at all I went to someone the day she told me because I thought I was going to have a breakdown. I have another appt. on Tuesday not sure how much I can get out of it alone.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:55 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
She want to be intimate. Should I have sex with her?
Your answer to her is you you want to make love to her however as she has had unprotected sex with a single man who is probably having sex with a number of woman both of you must have an STD test. You are included as she may have lied about when she started sleeping with the OM.

Do not be a doormat to her be firm , set the boundaries and stick to them, if you want her to call you when she leaves for work she calls you. This is one of the boundaries she has to follow to earn your trust back. She should do everything to earn your trust.

She can be pissed , she had the affair YOU are the only one who has the right to be pissed. She is trying to sweep this under the carpet, do not let her.

Check where her wedding band is and see if it fits her, if it fits there is a likelihood she had it off for the OM.

Last edited by Eli-Zor; 02-06-2011 at 03:59 PM. Reason: additional info added
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Old 02-06-2011, 04:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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It is not always required to go to therapy , I would however insist she read the book "surviving an Affair " as should you , then you can both work on a recovery together.

You will be raw at the moment. Keep vigilant and do not assume the affair is over until you have taken enough steps for you to be satisfied and evidence it is over.

The voice mail is an old tick of affair people, call the number and check if he answers. Block your sender ID if you do not want to talk to him. If it is voice mail again I would be suspicions.
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Old 02-06-2011, 04:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thats very strange. The morning after I cheated on my husband I told him and he wanted to have sex. I was baffled. Made no sense to me.
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Old 02-06-2011, 04:08 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Maybe she is trying to make up for it? You said its been awhile right?
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