jem5

So I have quite the dilemna. I have been with my husband for six years and recently had an affair. I was honest about it and very upset that i had caused him that hurt. Him and I have not been getting along for the last year and a half or so and thats what led to my adultery. I have just felt very taken for granted and he even admitted that he hasnt appreciated me like he should. This affair was not a "relationship" nor do I have any feelings for the OM. Its been extrememly hard to work through and my husband at first did not want to go to a counselor. His actions since then have not changed much. I understand why he wouldnt be super motivated to want to do more for me but I've already been dealing with this behavior for over a year and Im emotionally shutting down. I love him but I feel like maybe we need to start from square one? I think the only thing that would really get through to him is if we did a trial seperation? I undertand things take baby steps but its been so long that a baby step at this point is not big enough. Im very depressed about my marriage and I want to fix it. He clearly is not getting the severity of the situation and Im hoping this will snap him out of it.
Advice please!!

Eli-Zor

if you are working to save your marriage then you should not have a trial separation, all that will do is give a message that you are getting ready for divorce.

Is this what you want?

Recovery takes many months to years.

You both have to work on the recovery and you may have to lead this if your husband is unwilling.

Bear in mind you had an affair, not many betrayed spouses suddenly awaken to a new world , your husband will be hurting and holding it in , he will be confused and not know what he should do next. You are expecting him to start making changes because you have had an affair. His mind will be all over the place and it is likely he has no idea what to do or even say,

To help you recover do some reading, lots of reading:-

Go to the Marriage Builders site and read their articles

Articles

Two books that will help you are

"his needs her needs " and Surviving an affair" both by Harley

Eli-Zor

Jem5..be patient with the recovery.

The key book is the surviving and affair, it will give your husband and you good pointers how to start recovering your marriage. Your husband should read them as well if he is serious about saving your marriage.

Be warned you are on a pro marriage site so some will give you a 2X4 (bashing) for your affair. There is a low tolerance if you use the affair as a weapon against your husband.

You can make your marriage work, read the book and then post if you have questions.

jem5

I cant lead the recovery because he will not follow. I have tried and he wants to stay together but doesnt seem to want to put the extra effort in to make it better. He lacks initiative to do much of anything it seems. And i've been researching seperation and the idea that humans sadly dont realize how important things are until theyre gone really clicked with me. Kindof want to try and start over.

jem5

I am pro marriage and there a lot of people claiming affairs on here. I didnt say I wanted a divorce. Im trying to fix it.

Eli-Zor

Have you told your husband you want to separate?

jem5

I said i thought it might help. I mean Im running out of ideas here. I understand the gravity of what i did but i cant keep living like this. Im depressed all the time and I want us to be happy.
What a crazy thought huh lol.

Eli-Zor

Read the two books first before you make any major changes, your husband must read them if he declines then you must decide on a tougher course of action, such as your idea of separation.

No not so crazy

jem5

Thanks
Ill try them

jem5

Well hes at his moms tonight...
No Im not trying to blow any of this under the rug. I wanted to go to counseling multiple times and he said no. He wouldnt trust me regardless and I cant stay locked in my home the rest of my life. I dont think that trust ever really comes back? Atleast now hes said he will see a counselor finally but he only does things when I get upset first. I dont think it should have to get to that point before he takes me seriously.

Bigwayneo

Jem5- Has this all happened in the last month or so? I am freshly hurt myself, my wife had an affair in Dec till mid Jan when I found out. Don't get me wrong, after a week at living with my parents I decided to work things out, came to this website (for support and advice), got the books myself, etc, etc... I dont know how long it has been since he found out, but if it has been recent give him some more time, I know it will suck but being there myself I can understand what he is thinking. Not saying that the emotional disconnect is fun in any way either, that was my wifes problem. In fact we are kind of in the opposite train. She wants to work things out, but not is having a hard time doing it, (she wants to sweep it under the rug). I dont know how much time is good for this, but if it has only been a month or so, give him a little time. In the mean time, maybe go read up on the stickies on the top of the forum.

jem5

No its been awhile and I understand I cant be trusted. I've been unhappy for a long time and I was being selfish for once about wanting to feel appreciated. I totally understand his hurt because I hurt a lot too. Definately feel for you and your situation. The problem is I feel like the other spouse doesnt take a look at what led to the infedelity. For two years I told him how I felt and it just fell on deaf ears.

DawnD

I can understand your last statement above, about thinking the other spouse doesn't look at what led to it. I was the LS, my H the BS, so I guess I can only offer you what I know from my perspective.

As for him not looking into what led to it, its probably because he needs time to get over the fact that you had an affair. Naturally, you want to delve into the reasons behind it, but with stuff like that the LS needs some time just to deal with the affair first.

I might have skimmed over the part where you said how long it has been since he found out??

jem5

It was once like two years ago and once in august. Same guy. I told him about it in August. And no he acts like he can get passed it without help or without talking much about it but its evident any time we go anywhere that he isnt. So hes had time to think about it but he doesnt ever decide to do much about anything so I've just been on and off depressed and finally I've had enough. My reasons for going elsewhere were obvious because I had been telling him for so long what was wrong with no avail. Yet still he will not try and fight for us and gets some of how i feel but not most of it. Idk how to make him understand.

jem5

I told him in August. I had different reasoning years ago. He was mad but said he found it easy to forgive me. Obviously he hasnt. Anyways hes been at his moms and if he doesnt get whats wrong by leaving idk what will make him snap out of it. I thought maybe he'd appreciate me more if he was gone. Who knows. I know hes hurting so he wont say if he misses me anyway. Honestly when we go out together he always complains about guys hitting on me all night but hes the one Im going home with and you would think that if he knows I could have anyone else that he would try harder to hang on to me? He hasnt done that since we got engaged. Quite depressing. Everyone else i talk to tells me hes an idiot but I've got to wonder why he doesnt get it? Im not emotional but Im very vocal about what I need. Should I write him a letter??? lol