Elliemay

I have a problem knowing he still works with her. I was told it never got physical. We are doing OK now. I still can't get over she is working with him. I have asked him to try and get a new job. He hasn't even tried.

draconis

You lose so much transfering to a new company. But if it is a deal breaker than he should be looking for something in the same field.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

Elliemay

My husband has only been at his job two years. I know a human resource person who has a job opening for a great company. He didn't even seem interested in checking it out when I told him about it. It is a larger company. I told him it would probably be more money, it is a larger company. With my being recently unemployed this would help us.

mommy22

What is his verbal response when you confront him with this idea? Is he defensive or does he seem to give it any consideration?

Honey

Very good questions, hun.

Elliemay

He was defensive. His dad helped him get him the job. He says he owes them something and they are good to him. He did not even consider trying for the job which is in the same field. I told him I have a hard time knowing he is with her every day.

Honey

I know, but you can't drive yourself crazy worring what he is up to. You need to trust him, and if you find he is doing you wrong, you either work it out or leave him.

bluebutterfly0808

i think you should tell him exactly what you are feeling with every little raw detail! what do you have to lose? if not, the worrying is going to drive you insane! that can be such a horrible pit of a feeling to have an every day worry like that! i think you should approach him & tell him you need to talk. tell him you need to see more effort on his part to make you feel more comfortable with the turn you life has taken. if that means him looking for a new job, so be it! if that doesn't seem to go well, maybe write him a note. sometimes, you can think so much more clearly when you don't get any immediate response. stand up for yourself & know in your heart what you can & can't take! good luck! i am sending lots of strength your way!

mommy22

Well, it does throw a curveball somewhat that he feels indebted to family for getting him this job in the first place. That is understandable. You say you're doing okay as a couple. Does he exhibit any of the bahaviors he did when he was involved with her? If he's been great you may just need to have a talk. You should express your feelings in very loving terms. "Honey, I love and trust you. I'm having a difficult time with you working with this woman. I'd love for you to consider taking a new job. You've been great. You haven't done anything wrong. I trust you, there's just so much pain left in it for me. If you can't switch jobs, I need you to be patient with me as I work through this. I just need lots of reassurance right now. I want to do everything on my part to make us the best we can be. Let's make sure we keep the lines of communication wide open so that we continue to feel comfortable with each other in this relationship. Thanks for hearing me out on this." Perhaps if you word it vey carefully like this, he won't feel defensive or like you are accusing him of anything inappropriate.

Elliemay

Thank you for your responses. I do admit I need strength. The relationship part of our marriage I feel is doing really well. I will try again to let him know what I'm feeling. I still worry about I need to be perfect or he might fall back. I have the fear if something isn't perfect she is waiting to jump in. That is why I want him gone from there. I do need to work on my confidence. I had a very hard time when I found everything out. I have gone through many stages in the last year and I know it has gotten a lot better for me.

swedish

Hi Elliemay,

I could have written this myself. It's been over a year since my husband's Emotional Affair (which included a few weeks of kissing and was on its way to a physical affair) with a woman he works with. I also wanted him to change jobs and as of now, he still works with her.

I have also told him that although everything is going great with us now, that the fact that he still sees her every day is making the healing much more difficult for me, especially where trust is concerned, but his consistent behavior has helped as time goes by. I felt I had to ask him if he's talked to her, if she's bringing up anything personal and dreaded doing it and a few months ago just decided I wasn't going to ask anymore.

I have done a lot of work on my self-confidence over the year and that has helped me more than anything else...he's actually shown some signs of jealousy recently, nothing serious and absolutely nothing for him to worry about, but just notices that I get noticed...which I hope is healthy (it's good for my ego anyway ) I have always felt lucky to have him as my husband and honestly now believe that he is lucky to have me as his wife and if he strayed at this point, well, he'd be nuts!!!

So now from day to day, I rarely think about it...Then yesterday, he called and said he had a problem at work...hours went by and I finally called him...he was still there and didn't get home until 9:30pm. My mind started racing...what if she said something that sucked him back in. That's when I realized I'm still not 'over' it and I still have trust issues. Logically I thought, no way and was fine by the time he walked in the door...he was so worried that I'd be worried/upset...bah, I just felt at that point, I wanted him to be able to talk about his work problem and not have all this other junk mixed in.

So it's a long road...my husband is in charge of the dept where he works so finding another job wouldn't be easy or quick and I'd rather he be employed than not, so I haven't pushed it. The worst part was his office Christmas party...but I made it through that and yippie won't be long til the next one comes up and he skips outings outside of work that don't include spouses.

So I can sure empathize but I know getting another job can be easier said than done, although it would be the ideal route.

The best solution for me has been to work on myself and focus on my marriage...it builds confidence as you start to realize you have a great thing going. It's fruitless and has a negative effect to dwell on trying to compete with some unknown woman and you don't want to be like her anyway