Just confronted her about him 10min ago
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-13-2011, 09:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just confronted her about him 10min ago

I don't know where to start so I'm just going to type. I came on this site quite awhile ago because my wife and I were having issues. She had been talking to a guy and I confronted her about it. They both denied it, she took her time about letting him go, and we supposedly moved on. This was well over a year or so ago.

Fast forward to today. I find that she has been sending text messages to some number in enormous volumes at all hours of the night. I looked at the bill and find out that this has been going on for about 9 months. She is out of town right now with our kids. She is at her mom's for the weekend celebrating her grandmothers birthday.

I just got off of the phone with her and confronted her about it. She admitted with some coaxing that it is the same guy from before. I am so hurt that I do not know what to do. We have been in therapy for months and she has been saying that she doesn't know what she wants. Of course not, she is involved with someone else.

I feel devastated and I do not know what to do. She has made me feel this entire time that something was wrong with me and that I am not a good husband. The whole time, she had given her heart to someone else.

She didn't apologize, and didn't say that she still wants to be married. We just hung up. I feel like my life is over.
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Keep reading here. Read as much as you can. Read the book "Not Just Friends" and several others you may discover here on this site. You'll need to take decisive action to either help end her affair or end your marriage. She can't have her cake and eat it too. It's not fair to you. Goodluck.
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

I agree with Workingitout. I would also look for some threads on boundaries, and make yours clear with her. Tanelornpete and Affaircare have some excellent examples of boundaries on here somewhere.
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Stop going the therapy it is a waste of time while she is in an affair. Spread the good news , let the OM's wife, parents, friends and coworkers know he is engaged on an adulterous affair with your wife. Call her parents and grandmother and request their help to protect your marriage, do this now before she gets home. Your steps are get the OM out of her life , you do this by causing severe discomfort for him with all he has to come into contact with. You confront your wife when she gets home, be prepared that she leaves home, you do not tolerate the affair being conducted on the family time or family dime. You do as much as you can practically do to break the affair , in parallel you be the most amazing husband you can be.

Read the articles on affaircare.com and marraigebuilders.com . Be firm, be strong and resolute in defending your marriage, you will fear exposing the affair, for this instance ignore your fear and take the affair by the horns and shake it.
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm still in disbelief that she actually doesn't think that she did anything wrong. I took a nap for a couple of hours and after waking up, I really don't feel any better.
She said that he was a friend and that they were discussing business. Of course I don't believe her. I'm so hurt and angry right now.
I really want her to be honest when she gets home and acknowledge that she was wrong. I don't know if she will though.
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmorousWarrior View Post
I don't know where to start so I'm just going to type. I came on this site quite awhile ago because my wife and I were having issues. She had been talking to a guy and I confronted her about it. They both denied it, she took her time about letting him go, and we supposedly moved on. This was well over a year or so ago.

Fast forward to today. I find that she has been sending text messages to some number in enormous volumes at all hours of the night. I looked at the bill and find out that this has been going on for about 9 months. She is out of town right now with our kids. She is at her mom's for the weekend celebrating her grandmothers birthday.

I just got off of the phone with her and confronted her about it. She admitted with some coaxing that it is the same guy from before. I am so hurt that I do not know what to do. We have been in therapy for months and she has been saying that she doesn't know what she wants. Of course not, she is involved with someone else.

I feel devastated and I do not know what to do. She has made me feel this entire time that something was wrong with me and that I am not a good husband. The whole time, she had given her heart to someone else.

She didn't apologize, and didn't say that she still wants to be married. We just hung up. I feel like my life is over.
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Old 02-13-2011, 01:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Warrior, so sorry you feel so bad. I found out on groundhog day the my wife has been in a 6 month affair with another guy so I know how you feel. Mine doesn't seem remorseful either says its over but I have my doubt when the dust settles. I am in a fog everyday and don't know what to do. I went to a therapist but she won't so why should I waste the money. Totally f__ked up and feel so alone. If you ever wanna chat let me know
DJ
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Old 02-13-2011, 01:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

First off you need to make a decision. Do I really want to try and make this marriage work? You will have to look at it like a business decision. You MUST take out the emotions and look at the relationship as a whole. Ask yourself this "is this the kind of person I would chose if not for the history between us? If the answer is still 'yes' then you must be prepared to fight for it. If the answer is 'no' then protect yourself NOW!! (Either way) get your finances protected. Get your future(potential) living arrangements in order etc..... Then tell her your plan.

If you chose to fight tell her it is a no holds barred fight. That you are going to expose this inappropriate relationship to all in an attempt to break the influence the OM has on her decision. She may very well chose to end your marriage or cling to the OM to seek a partner to help fend off your perceived attack. So be it. Tell her it is no longer allowed for her to treat you in this manor. She is either going to join you in trying to save the marriage full force, without the influence of the OM, or she will join you in seeking an amicable divorce where the interests of the children will be your only focus.

Both of the above options are ultimatums. Neither one of them guarantee the result your emotional self seeks. But they force the issue now. Not delay it for years more while she treats you like a doormat. Just the threat of losing her safety net(you) may be enough to snap her out of her selfish behaviour. Or be prepared that it may not and you will have to think enough of yourself to get out.

There is no excuse for this kind of behavior in a marriage and in no way do I give her any excuses......but......YOU will need to look deep into yourself and see what part you played in her seeking this outside attention. Every woman is flattered by being attractive to the opposite sex. Same is true for men. But for the vast majority of those who let the flattery progress to attraction and EA/PA are those that are not having their needs met by their spouse. I know that sounds harsh and is not meant to make you feel bad. More often than not those needs are just not being communicated. So when you have the talk with your wife ask her point blank "what is missing? what needs have I not been fulfilling? what can we do to change things so WE meet each others needs in the future?"

She may not be able to express things just yet as it is going to be a shock to her that you are making her decide about the marriage. But, she will eventually tell you what missing. Even if she has decides to leave, she will tell you. You will then be armed with the information that will either help you fight for your marriage or use the info to be a better partner for your next relationship.

Oh and one other very important thing. If she does decide to try and make the marriage work you must insist that she has one FINAL communication with him. Preferably with your input. I think on the phone is best so the OM can hear both of you, as a team, state clearly and CALMLY that "we are committed to trying to make our family whole. And to that end I(she) will no longer be contacting you and would appreciate you honoring my request to not attempt contact with me either". Then go about working your ass off to fix things. Counseling is a must.

If, in the end, She (or you) don't want to make a go of it then learn from it. Love your kids. Don't make your divorce a war as it will only kill your kids spirit and leave you two hating each other. Remember at one time this person was so wonderful that you were willing to die for them. There must still be enough there to at least be cordial.

Good luck my friend.
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Old 02-13-2011, 01:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Arrow Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

wish i could tell ya what to do, as its somewhat different for everyone else.

that is to say some need to get/stay angry.
some need to pray and be quiet.

but whatever u do, dont do the usual, as it'll only get ya the
same ol' same old. ya digg?

i know your answer lies within the spiritual realm, but many
are not willing to believe or go there for their source.

Specifically, u need to seek Jesus' face via the Holy Spirit
via the Bible....God's Word. me, we, us, can get it wrong
here even tho' we have good intentions. but, Jesus is the
answer to all lifes problems.

adultery is no stranger to Him. He's had millenias to see, judge
and vanquish it. He's pretty busy as we speak as the whole
world over is busy fornicating all over the place, hetero, homo,
and too disgusting to mention.

meditate on it............ya digg?.................
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Old 02-13-2011, 02:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Honestly I'm not sure what you still doing with her, you have tried and gave a full power to this relation but she rejects and want to play around. if you are going to put in paper you can sum it by that she has no respect for you, and that you should have respect for yourself and leave her, because you are the better person here, you are the one who deserve better, a better wife and life, someone who listen to you and respect you. if you want to stay living like that its up to you, but years from now you will look back and say what the hell you did, we are not getting younger, save yourself the time and find someone better.
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Old 02-13-2011, 04:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

I think before you talk more about it with her, you need to take some time and figure out what you want.Do you want to make the marriage work if she is willing? Do you think you can look at your relationship honestly?
You can't make her say sorry (as much as you want her to), you can't make her feel what she did was wrong, this is something she has to do for herself. You need to really think about you. Is this something you want to work through?

I am really going through the same thing. If you ever want to talk about it, i'm here. It's really hard cuz you just want to shake them and say "can't you see what you are doing?". You can't try and fix or change her in any way. If you want to work on it, you have to work on you, and just pray and hope that she will see that and want to make a change as well
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Old 02-13-2011, 11:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Im going to be the guy who shoots you the truth here... Im more of the tough love kind, than the " poor guy" kind.

Right now you feel devistated. not only because you feel a loss, but because you see your investment (emotional) going down like the economy in '08. this is where you experience weakness.

Although this is a terrible time for you, it's only the first stage of your emotional rollercoaster. Before long your sorrow will turn to guilt. You will be asking yourself how you made this happen and all kinds of stuff.. Eventually, you will land at Anger.

Now.. this is where you get your balls back. I wish I had a pill that i could perscribe to every wronged hubby or wife out there.. one that would go straight to anger. This stage is where you will start making decisions.

Now im not talking about rage... hopefully you never get there. I am talking about self examination, a renewed self worth and the ability to look past the tears and see reality.

Pass up the crying phase, you can deal with that in therapy, right now take control of your life. If you want to save your marriage, there are steps you need to take now. Immediately set your boundries and clearly communicate them to her. Any wavering from your boundries means she is not committed.

"Im not sure what I want to do" Let me translate this for you.. " I need time to save some money up and make sure this other guy is serious" TRUTH.

If you want to get past the part of mistrust that will hamper a recovery, then she needs to call this guy on speaker phone and tell him to go away in front of you. TRUTH.

Anything outside of that... well you better get ready for divorce.

How do you know I am not some guy just spouting off? Simple.. I've been cheated on twice.. Once with the first wife.. which ended in divorce, and once with my current wife, who i have now been with 10 years. I survived an E/A because i took control immediately.

I honestly believe that people.. men in particular, need solutions more than sympathy. This may account for my lack of " poor baby" speak in this response. It may come off harsh, but I know what you are going through.

Good Luck man.
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Old 02-14-2011, 09:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

We talked about it last night. I asked her what she wants to do. It came out that this "old friend" was an old boyfriend that she DID have sex with before we were together.
Her cell phone records show that they talk for about 3-4 hours per day every day except weekends when I am probably home. This has been going on for about 9 months.
She maintains that they only talked about business and she was giving him counsel and advice. He has a business venture and all of their conversations have been above board. My wife has a masters in business, but I do not believe this. She says that she has no emotional investment in this man.

I told her that I wanted her to stop talking to him and devote her energy to her marriage. She said that she does not have energy to put into her marriage. She says that she told him that she was going to help him with this project and she intends to see that through. She apologized by saying "my bad for not telling you that he contacted me again."
There was no apology for disrespecting our marriage or maintaining this secret relationship behind my back. She said that she really didn't think that I would have a problem with it. I know that's bull. When I asked her why she hid it, she had no answer.

Her decision tells me that she no longer wants to be married to me. My marriage is over. I cannot be with her if I have asked her to let go of this man and she does not want to.

She does not want to tell our 12 year old son yet because in about 6 weeks he is going on a trip to Washington DC. He is a brilliant kid and this trip was one that he was selected for because of his grades. She said that she is worried about what he would do if he had this news before the trip.
I agree, but I just have a problem living a lie. I could not bring my self to go to school today. I am in a medical program and I know that I need to go, but I can't. I'm in midterms. I know it's important, I know I need to go, but I feel lost and destroyed.
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Hey,

First off, I am sorry that you are going through all this pain and anguish, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I don't have reams of wonderful advice that most of the people on here can bestow on you, but I can tell you for my experience which is very little, that things can change very quickly. My H walked out 3.5months ago, he met someone online and travelled halfway around the world. When he returned, he thought everything was wonderful, he had his life plan set out and knew what he wanted.. I wasn't in that plan, neither were his 3 kids who he'd be leaving behind, because he was in love, she was perfect.. Affair fantasy... Forward wind 2 months, although we are still not together, all the things he had told me, were not all strictly true, he doesn't hate me, he does still love me, although I've had the I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you chesnut, but when he left I was the enemy. Affaircare and Eli-zor talked me through alot, and helped me understand about the fog, and the person he thought he was in love with, wasn't love, he's not with her.. it could never work...but in the affair fantasy it would be amazing, a match made in heaven...

I love my H and I want to work through our issues, but this means having patience, waiting for their fog to clear. Yesterday was the first time my H looked me in the eye and apologised for his behaviour. Right now, your wife 'thinks' she isn't doing anything wrong, to her it's all justified, she's not thinking clearly, she is your wifes evil twin.

Like everyone will tell you on here, (if you're like me) every piece of advice you'll find on the net, will tell you, let them go, work on you, get fitter, eat well, take care of you.. so much easier said than done I know, but out of self preservation you have to try.
I am only just learning that, this past Saturday, I was crying and wanted him home desperately, but do you know what, no matter what I want, my H will do what HE wants. Affaircare posted on my thread that I had to STOP my behaviour, get tough, let him learn what he is losing by his actions. I wasn't showing him what he was going to lose, I was just confirming why he wouldn't want to be in a marriage with me.

If you want her, tell her, tell her you're not giving up on her, you want your marriage, and you're willing to work on it.
But she needs to have NC with the OM, and commit to you 100%. It's so easy to fall into the begging, pleading trap where you just want your life back, believe me, I've done it several times and each time, got more hurt, felt like a fool and pushed my H away. I am now 'manning up' standing tall and not being a door mat.

I'm not telling you to give up on your wife, I am advising you to take a step back, regroup, think about you, your son, I've recently done the same, my children are 8,7, and 3 my elder two are on the talented and gifted register over here in the UK, that's the top 1% of the country, my daughter won an award, my H didn't even seem to care as when it happened he was with 'Her'. So I know it's difficult, but maybe you could sit him down and say your wife and you are not getting on at the moment, don't go into major detail, but explain you need a time out, just make sure he knows you both love him. My H walked out when his kids were sleeping and didn't see them for days, it was heart breaking.

Sorry for the epic response, I hope you can read through my waffle. You HAVE to go on, You HAVE to try and keep going, just live for each day. Go to school it may help you take your mind off it, just for a little while.

Take care xx
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Last edited by AmImad; 02-14-2011 at 10:29 AM.
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:25 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confronted her about him 10min ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmorousWarrior View Post
I could not bring my self to go to school today. I am in a medical program and I know that I need to go, but I can't. I'm in midterms. I know it's important, I know I need to go, but I feel lost and destroyed.
Will they give you some sort of special consideration to excuse you? If not, please go to stay the course in your schoolwork. I understand this is a lot though.
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