disbelief

Forgiveness is complicated I think because of the roller coaster. A great subject for a sticky thread. Something I watched or read by a therapist said sometimes if you do forgive the person it clears your mind of it allowing you to move on ......................sometimes he said this changes the offending parties point of view and they may of course sometimes may not then come closer to reconciliation.

This is no cookie cutter solution.
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8yearscheating

BigWaneo - I posted this on disbeliefs thread. There is also a comment there aboutthe positive compliments you can give. A great Love Bank builder.

"Keep in mind what I said about postive compliments. They go a LONG way. Also, if you voice any doubts, her radar goes up that says your not really into into R. I saw your comments on the Forgiveness thread. Personally, I made it a special point to my wife that I was commited to moving forward and forgiving her so we could start to build trust. As we discussed, that included the caveat that there much work to do and it didn't mean we could forget - only forgive."

Bigwayneo

I am assuming R is for Reconcile? I have not forgiven her yet, but I have been doing my best not to bring the A up any more. Once in a while I ask her a question about it as nice as I can and that is even getting less and less frequent.

__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

Epicurus 341 BCE – 270 BCE

remmons

There is no timeline for forgiveness. You will be ready for it when you decide. I am feeling the same, unsure if I can forgive my wife or not, but I have started taking the steps towards forgiveness.

I want to share something with you. I heard a song on the radio last week. I have heard it for many years ans I have always liked it, but it wasn't until just last week that I took it to heart. It has helped me to ease and soften my heart.

It is by Don Henley, formerly of the Eagles. Here are the lyrics.

Forgiveness (Heart Of The Matter)

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you’d found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again
I’ve been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn’t keep me warm
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
I’ve been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you don’t love me anymore.

paramore

God I love that song...I am getting teary eyed right now reading it.

remmons

That was my reaction too when I Googled and found it.

paramore

Lol, I remember when that song came out, great song to cope.

disbelief

Like the artist never really cared for the song really don't like it right now. Would maybe like it a bit better if my W would actually ask for forgiveness.

remmons

I am waiting for my wife to ask for forgiveness, but this doesn't stop me from forgiving her. Maybe it's my character flaw, no, wait, this is a part of me that changed for the better.

8yearscheating

Give it time disbelief. I know she has gone beyond trying your patience!