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I just found out. I am crushed.

57K views 171 replies 38 participants last post by  KathyGriffinFan 
#1 ·
I just discovered that my wife of 10 months is having an affair with her ex-boyfriend -- the boyfriend she had before me. I am crushed. I am trying to recover my mental balance to do the right thing from here -- whatever that is. Any perspectives would be appreciated.

Our story was, I thought, almost a fairy tale -- now with a nightmarish twist to it.

I am 49, a business executive, married once when I was (too) young, no kids. Almost always have had positive relationships with women. She is 38, in the medical field, and has never been married, although had one long-term cohabitation with a man who was in graduate school with her.

I met her 2.5 years ago, literally by accident. I was working in her city (across the country from my own) sent by my company on a lengthy assignment, when I had a minor incident that required medical attention. I visited her clinic a few times and, through a series of happenstances (including bumping into her at the café next door), got to know her very well. She is intelligent, charming, and attractive. I fell for her instantly. She said she was single and available, as she had broken up with her boyfriend "Carlo" some months before.

Fast-forward a year, and I was regularly dating her, getting my company to extend my assignment in her city -- although I had to return to head office about 10 days a month. We had lots of fun together, great conversations, laughs, experiences, travel, romance. "Carlo" had tried to win her back, but she declined his attentions.

We were married 18 months after meeting, in a beautiful ceremony with our families and friends. I was the happiest man in the world. She said repeatedly she was committed to a long and happy marriage with me, with a child possible if it wasn't too late.

I was able to extend my work assignment indefinitely, so we could live in her city. I was ecstatic about this, as I like the city, and was so set on establishing a happy home with her. We bought a wonderful new house that she particularly liked, in a nice area very convenient to her place of work. She expressed concern about the cost, as she said she didn't have much spare cash and had lots of expenditures for her professional set-up. I gladly covered the down payment and all the initial costs.

I like and seem to get along well with her family and colleagues. I support her professional aspirations, and always willing to help her in any possible way -- including with some paperwork for her clinic and cooking dinner when she is working late.

The first six months of marriage were joyful, and smooth -- or so I thought. I had to spend 10 days a month in my old city, at head office and winding down my affairs there (selling my house, arranging my own move to her city, etc.). I emphasized that, once I relocated everything, I wouldn't be away for more than 5 days a month -- which is not bad by any couple's standards, especially when no kids are involved.

The problems started without any warning and no apparent precipitant. She first started to object about my travel to my old city. I told her that I too didn't like it, but I had to report to my head office and also wind down my affairs there so I could fully move out to my (our) new city. She wasn't empathetic at all about this, especially when my company was being extremely accommodating and flexible and I am CHANGING MY LIFE TO BE WITH HER.

I then perceived her to be the master of double standards. For example, she often called me at work and pulled me out of a business meeting for something minor. If I suggested we talk in a few hours, she'd get in a huff. But if I called her at work and it wasn't convenient, she'd just ignore the call. Similarly, she could also come home very late from work, without explanation. Whereas, I once arranged to have an after-work beer with an old (male) colleague who was in town, and she went ballistic for not informing her (she wouldn't have been available anyway).

She then started into a program of fault-finding and negativity. I couldn't do anything right, no matter how hard I tried. The worst cut is her saying "I can't talk to you" because of some supposed deficiency in communication that I have. While I have occasionally been accused of being a slightly reserved WASP male type, I am a decent communicator, always ready to talk calmly. I don't like to "fight", and prefer to cool down for an hour or overnight before talking about problems. She now appears to choose to misunderstand or misconstrue everything I say. I began to walk on eggshells.

Predictably, our sex life started to take more than the usual post-marriage decline, although was still enjoyable when it happened.

Around New Year's she seemed to step up the passive-aggessive, un-empathetic, behavior. I was at my wit's end, so I checked her laptop. My heart was pierced with a red-hot knife when I saw a few email love messages between her and "Carlo". I confronted her about this, and she just said that they were old messages that "Carlo" had asked her to send to remember her by. I thought this odd, but love is blind, so I let it go.

The weirdness continued. On my most recent monthly trip away, she was completely unavailable for the weekend when I called and texted her. She said she was in town all weekend but had attended a friend's funeral so was feeling down. When I returned to our home, I managed to catch a glimpse of her email inbox, which had a message from "Carlo". She also carefully guards her cell phone at all times.

I then checked her latest credit card statement, which showed big charges for gasoline and a quiet beach hotel for two nights about three hours from our home.

Incidentally, in searching for the credit card statement, I found her bank statements which show she had plenty of cash to help pay the down-payment for our house with me, should she have wanted to.

I am feeling like the world's #1 chump right now.

I still love her, but I can't live with someone who loves another. And then there's the lying. And the passive-aggressive, fault-finding behavior which seems to be designed to make me feel like I am somehow guilty of something serious, when all I have been trying to do is be the best husband and friend I could be (as well as do my own job).

I have to confront her with this, but I don't know when or how. I would suggest joint counselling, but since everything seems to be "all my fault", I don't know if it could accomplish anything. I have halted the sale of my old house. I am thinking of returning to my old city.

Strangely, although she seems to be pushing me away, I don't detect that she wants to split from me. Just last night she took me to a party with a number of her professional colleagues and for a short time was almost her old self. And "Carlo" is formally married, with children, so he isn't exactly ready marriage material. Just more flamboyant than I am, showering her with Latin lover attention.

Is she trying to line me up to be her full-time chump husband who pays the bills while she cavorts on the side, or is she trying to bait me into pulling the plug? My current assessment is that she is a seriously emotionally impaired person who doesn't know what she wants but feels entitled to everything.
 
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#42 ·
I don't know you well enough to say that you're a victim but you're being her victim. There's a reason that she was 38 and single, she's no good. I'm sure that you must've met her family before you popped the question, what were they like? Did they have anything bad to say or show any signs to you because, when family knows that one of their own isn't fit, they tend to let you know. For example, if they think you're a good man, you'd notice a look of suprise that she was with you.

If your marriage with her ended today, would you wake up tomorrow? If the answer to that question is yes, then you can live without her. It's not the end of the world, but the eclipse that blocks the light that shines upon it.

You are not married to a woman, you're married to a girl. She hasn't grown up yet and probably never will at this point, you have no control over her or yourself at this point. There will come a time when you can no longer blame her for your condition, at some point you're just asking for it. They were made for each other because, these two are a couple of crazies. The only way to compete with a crazy person is to be even crazier than they are. Are you prepared for that, is that you? If it is then you're going to have to let go, express yourself to say the least. Don't just voice your displeasure but your rage. Let Carlo know what will happen to him if he keeps it up, never mind setting boundaries, set up walls around your marriage. I don't advise that you necessarily do this because it's a dark road to set down just remember that it would be necessary to hang in their world.

I'm actually hoping that you hit your lowest point soon so that you can start to climb back up.
 
#43 ·
... I'm sure that you must've met her family before you popped the question, what were they like? Did they have anything bad to say or show any signs to you because, when family knows that one of their own isn't fit, they tend to let you know. For example, if they think you're a good man, you'd notice a look of suprise that she was with you.

If your marriage with her ended today, would you wake up tomorrow? If the answer to that question is yes, then you can live without her. It's not the end of the world, but the eclipse that blocks the light that shines upon it.

You are not married to a woman, you're married to a girl. She hasn't grown up yet and probably never will at this point, you have no control over her or yourself at this point. There will come a time when you can no longer blame her for your condition, at some point you're just asking for it.

They were made for each other because, these two are a couple of crazies. The only way to compete with a crazy person is to be even crazier than they are. Are you prepared for that, is that you? ....

I'm actually hoping that you hit your lowest point soon so that you can start to climb back up.
Q1: I met her mother a number of times before I popped the question. (She lives in yet another city closer to my wife.) She is a nice woman, cordial, but seemed a little skeptical or reserved at first. At the time, I attributed this to the fact that I formally lived two times zones away, was on a "temporary assignment", and was 10 years older. I thought maybe she was unsure if I was stable "marriage material" for her daughter. I am beginning to think that maybe it was the other way around ... Her mother and I seem to get along very well.

With regard to other family members, she was estranged from her brother and father, so I didn't meet them even though one lives in Chicago (which my wife and I have visited together a few times). In retrospect, that was a RED FLAG!!! But with lots of assorted family wreckage in society, it didn't shout anything to me.

Her proxies for her family are her a small group of colleagues and old university friends, with whom she likes to hang out. They seem like a good bunch, but apart from three or four of them, she actually doesn't seem to love them. So she really doesn't have a wide range of friends. And here's the weird part: the four that she does love (two female, two senior male professional colleagues), she seems to be ga-ga over. It's almost a little unnatural, it's over-the-top. She buys them presents, drops everything to be with them, helps them with lots of stuff, can act with almost childlike devotion in their presence. Fortunately, this group seems basically normal and has been nice to me.

Compensating for a rather small universe of bona fide intimate relationships, she has a broad ocean of superficial relationships. Her quiet callousness to some of these people took me aback some months ago. Compassionate she is not. RED FLAG.

Q2: I could indeed wake up tomorrow and get on with life. I have a very strong core, am independent, and have been blessed with an ability to get along with people and make friends in lots of new situations. I expect, though, that when I leave I will feel just awful, my dreams dashed and heart pierced. I will carry this heavy baggage for a long time. I am steeling myself for this. But it won't stop me from moving on. Who knows when I will hit my low point. My worst moments were this week, with the sledgehammer of discovery. No doubt there will be an emotional aftershock in a week, a month, a year -- or all three.

As an aside, I don't think she likes at all my independent side. She has referred to it frequently in a negative sense. When I say "independent", I don't mean at all that I was prone to take off by myself when I should have been with her, or that (apart from dedication to the usual personal and professional responsibilities) I was self-absorbed. I just am not at all "needy". I would be with her because I loved her and wanted her. For example, if she had to work late, that was ok, because I would pick her up from work at 10:00 pm and take her out for a hamburger or something. I'd spend the evening time doing something useful (or just listening to music) and looking forward to a nice mini-date with her. Real love is patient and respectful (at least within reasonable limits).

I don't know what I was "supposed" to do, but I think I didn't shower her with the constant waterfall of attention and demands, calls every hour to ask her when she is finishing work, why doesn't she come home, when can we have sex, etc. She is one of these people who seems to crave conflict (or other high-emotional episode) as a way of affirmation of self, of romance, or "love". I didn't like to serve up conflict as a pastime.

Q3: I am not at all prepared to deal with these crazies. Let them have their serial family wreckage and drama.
 
#44 ·
Andrew,

Everytime I see you post, I can see how well put-together you are. To be honest, I half expect your next post to read " well I am in Hawaii, enjoying a drink at the beach"

This is not a case of "my life is over!"... There is a difference when a 20-something cheats, and a 40ish person cheats. At 40, all the normal excuses are null and void.

You didnt fail in the marriage, she did.

You know, before my wife had an EA, i was a little chubby... but as a result of it, i went to the gym got in shape and built myself up.

I remember though, in one particularly bad fight... she called me chubby. I looked at her and said.." You know what? I can lose wieght (and i did) but you can never take back what you did."

Now that was said in anger, and i do regret saying it a bit. But... it doesnt change the fact that it is true.

What is there left to discuss with her? You are 49, she screwed you out of 4% of your life. Pfft.. big deal, Treat it like a bad stock and SELL SELL SELL. Before your 4% turns into 40%

Last thing you want is to end up praying for an unemployment extention. LOL

:D
 
#46 ·
Andrew,

Everytime I see you post, I can see how well put-together you are. To be honest, I half expect your next post to read " well I am in Hawaii, enjoying a drink at the beach"

....

You know, before my wife had an EA, i was a little chubby... but as a result of it, i went to the gym got in shape and built myself up.
Thanks, twotime. I'd sure love to be reporting from Hawaii (or Fiji, or Capri) right now! With some very nice and positive woman to talk to over a lunch by the sea ... I don't have any stomach for a "revenge fling", and wouldn't want to complicate my upcoming legal contest by leaving myself open to an counter-allegation of cheating on her. (It's not so much the legal effect, it's the atmospherics of it all.) But it would be wonderful for a change to talk to someone about normal stuff without the probability that I will trigger some negativity.

I'll wait till the dust settles on this sad episode, though, before doing any more dating. I think I am going to become very good friends in March with the bar of soap in the shower ...

I fully agree with you on the self-improvement question. Good for you for taking that challenge. Often we need to do a "judo move" on aggressive life events like this, and use their own force to flip them around to our advantage.

Last week I was mistaken for being (only) 40, and I am losing weight. (I too need to shed another 10-15 lbs.) I just retained a professional "image consultant" and we will be doing my "colors" and buying some cool new threads for me. Who knows what the real effect of that will be on my "image" -- this could be hocus -- but I decided it would be fun -- and maybe about time I spent some money on me.

So I am not so worried about the "who's going to come out ahead" of this in five years -- and with any luck, I won't even care.
 
#47 ·
what are you going to do? two time may have it right-----and simple (I know, it is really never simple or easy). At our age (I'm 46) experiences and trusting our gut can work out. I know you'll be okay. Good luck.
Thanks for the support, which is greatly appreciated.

I am seeing the lawyer this week. I am taking practical steps to protect my situation (which I won't mention here). I am focusing on work. I am tuning her out like a bad FM signal. But I am not being provocative or overly distant or giving her any reason to suspect what's up. Mr Dupe-Punching-Bag appears still to be safely in residence.

I expect his much less loving, malleable and patient twin will make a sudden, brief appearance in March.
 
#48 ·
Kudos to Andrew:

i've not read everyone/everything here at TAM but, of the folks
that havent read marriagebuilders stuff, or belong to a
seminary/bible college (etc) YOU are the most balanceddude whos handled this heart trying situation the best. i'm sure it didnt/doesnt feel that way at times but,
most importantly thats how u've walked it out.

wasnt perfect....(lol) but who/what the heck ever is???

shalom yededeed..............
 
#51 ·
I have been following you progress and I am glad you are not getting tangled in negativity. It's tempting but then you prolong the emotional engagement. The best thing to do is walk away cool like she was not worth getting your self excited about. She wants to see you do a Carlos, she is into drama.

She will be pissed when you walk away so easily. Only cheating, lying, losers like Carlos would beg for her presence not a man of quality.

Vin.. I mean Andrew, don't lose too much weight, you'll look too skinny!!!
 
#52 ·
Can I just make you smile for a second?

Ya know I am not going to post a whole page on my first wife's infidelity, but just to give you a great post divorce story as inspiration...

While she and I were married we were living paycheck to paycheck. I worked a graveyard shift and money was tight. The divorce was very fast and it was final in august of 2002. Well, in october of 2002 I won $200,000 in the powerball. I never asked, but I wonder how that made her feel. Zing~

Somehow, things just work out Andrew.
 
#55 ·
I dropped the bomb yesterday.

I hadn't intended to, it would probably have been better timed a week or so from now.

But I woke up to hear her cell phone buzzing from a text; she had forgotten to take it into the bathroom with her. I took a look at the text chat. The string was short, but steamy. Of course, her words to him hurt me the most. I couldn't take it any longer. This was to be the last kick in the balls for me.

I waited until lunchtime, when I called her and asked if she had anything important about our relationship she needed to tell me. She acted mystified and said "nothing". I said, "OK, I have given you the opportunity. Bye."

I then packed my bags and moved out. I sent her an email saying that I know what she and "Carlo" had been up to, and that she and he could meet me in the lawyer's office in two weeks.

She was shocked. She denied it immediately. When she got over the shock, she went on the counteroffensive, trying to find bits and pieces of whatever argument to verbally throw at me. Nothing about the cheating, though!

She said I was imagining things. I told her the name of the hotel they were at. I showed her a photo of him shirtless on a hotel-looking bed, beside a suitcase -- that was date-stamped the particular date in question (she hadn't deleted it from her camera). She said I was mistaken -- it was an old photo. Well, funny, hon, that suitcase looks exactly like the distinctive one you bought with me last year.

She called me maybe 25 times. I didn't pick up. She them must have gone through all the likely hotels in town before she found me and called me from the lobby. I declined to come down from my rather cozy room, and pulled the plug on the hotel phone. I slept rather well.

She again tried me a few times today. She wants to meet. I told her that I will not meet her to discuss anything before the meeting with the lawyers, unless she first admits to what has happened. We have to deal only with reality here.

I can't believe the lies and denial. It's like someone getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar and saying, "that's not my hand!", "that's not a cookie", and then "who the heck are you to be looking anyway"? Can someone help me -- what's the psychology here? As I said on a previous post, I understand anyone using "spin" to try to slide out of any uncomfortable situation. But faced with such evidence, most people would surely grimly concede and take off.

I have been quite civil, with one exception. She said she did not cheat on me with shirtless "Carlo" on that imaginary weekend get-away. So I said, "you must be using a Clinton definition of sex, then, it must have been a bl**j** ". She said she was "offended". I'll try to keep things cleaner.

I must say, I feel a very strange mix of emotions right now. I have certainly pulled the dagger out from my heart, which hurts like crazy. I feel decompression and relief that things are now out in the open. I feel a little dislocated being away from any "home", but also very liberated. (I am going on a drive myself to Sacramento today, for no apparent reason.) I feel some foreboding from any upcoming legal/financial contest. And maybe it's corny, but today I feel like a man.

Somehow, I think that she and "Carlo" might be having a more difficult day. I wonder how many steamy texts they are sending to each other?
 
#56 ·
Hee hee hee. I've been watching this thread, as I'm sure so many others have. Waiting for you to kick her up the arse (so to speak). It's so fun to see a LS who isn't broken up and tormented and downtrodden...inspiration to us all! Well done! If I was there, I would buy you a drink and shake your hand.
 
#76 ·
Are you challenging your disloyal partner for cheating on the internet in the same way?

I think people have to be careful about laughing or goading others into actions that can have devasting long term life changing consequences.

In just 10 months of marriage this man has learned some terrible things about his wife. I just hope he gives himself some time to let the dust settle before rushing off into the sunset too quickly as he seems to be doing.

We are discussing two people's lives and at least Andrew has said he still loves this women but, he seems shocked and is trying to protect himself and live within his own standards.

Relationships are about give and take and it is wrong for any spouse or partner to cheat behind another's back without being taken to task, or suffering some backlash or consequences. Otherwise, a LS can set themself up to be seen as a doormat where the responsibility for a disloyal's behaviour is shifted onto another person, usually the OW/OM instead of tackling the disloyal's unacceptable behaviour. At the moment she is blame shifting as opposed to accepting responsibility and is following the well trodden path of infidelity behaviour during disclosure.
 
#57 ·
Outstanding. I'm sorry you had to do this, but you handled it perfectly.

The psychology? No different than any other addict would have. She wanted BOTH of you, and you have now removed half of what she wants. Cheaters are entitled; she's not thinking of how you feel; it's all about how to save what SHE wants.
 
#60 ·
'John Wayne' indeed! Sorry for the hurt you are going through though. The pain of it all will subside with time. Now that the dagger has been removed, your heart can heal. You're riding off into the sunset, leaving her in your dust! She can have her nasty 'Carlos,' your better off!
 
#61 ·
Andrew: the only other advice is for you to protect yourself against her gaslighting you. Use direct words and let her family know she is in an affair with XXX. Some WS trump up charges against their BS , if you meet her have someone present , buy a VAR and have it with you at all times. Good luck.
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#63 ·
I just returned from a nice excursion by myself, which was a welcome distraction. I drove for about four hours, cranked up the Classic Rock radio station and sang along with the old hits. Fortunately, "Dazed and Confused" wasn't on the playlist. I was half-hoping for "Positively 4th St", but, however superficially appealing that tune might be under the circumstances, it's a very negative place I don't want to go to.

Thanks to everyone for their kind support. Xena, I'd love to buy all of us a round of drinks sometime! Really, you people are wonderful.

Eli-Zor, thanks for the caution on the risk of her trying to gaslight me. I think I have pre-empted any predatory revisionism of our breakup story by already talking with two of her key "family" members -- one who by coincidence called me last night on another matter. I didn't give out many details, preferring to say that I cannot live in a marriage with three people in it; yes, I have lots of proof in documents and photos; and that I have removed myself from the house as a consequence.

In a broader sense, if someone tries to insult my intelligence by telling me that "white" is "black", I really get pissed off. So there is no risk that she will turn my perspective around. What happened, happened. The more she lies, the more I lose respect for her.

While leads me to turnera's question, what do I want to do next with her? Might I take her back? While I might or might not be able to get over a single physical act of cheating (although that could be creepy), I cannot abide by serial, material lies that negate the heart of a married relationship. Simply put, there is no way I can trust her any more. Perhaps if she had come clean immediately, there might have been something to talk about. But by trying to deny, push-back, deflect blame and obfuscate the truth she is showing a side to her character which I find sad and pathetic.

All my phones and emails are turned off. I am drinking one nice glass of wine now, about to watch a fun, dumb movie and doze off whenever.

She can't reach me here. I think I feel my life stirring again.
 
#65 ·
In a broader sense, if someone tries to insult my intelligence by telling me that "white" is "black", I really get pissed off. .
But not everything is black or white but more grey. However her sneaky clandestine trysts are as clear as day. Sorry to note that you saw what she wrote. That makes everything so much more hurtful.

The more she lies, the more I lose respect for her.
Constant lying makes it all so much worse because it shows continued disrespect for the loyal spouse.

Simply put, there is no way I can trust her any more.
.
This statement is rarely true. The reality is trust isn’t an “on or off” issue. Trust covers numerous areas in relationships.


Perhaps if she had come clean immediately, there might have been something to talk about. But by trying to deny, push-back, deflect blame and obfuscate the truth she is showing a side to her character which I find sad and pathetic. .
She failed the first test. Perhaps her initial reaction to the shock and awe treatment?

You did well.

I think I feel my life stirring again.
This indicates to me that either you never really loved her, or you are acting out of hurt. Maybe both?

She's treated you abominably as often is the case when a disloyal spouse cheats on a loyal spouse. Betrayal is her way to handle an issue. Shows poor character. Look at history. Those who betray are usually shown nothing but contempt. That is maybe where you are right now?
 
#67 ·
Thank you, twotime.

I did love her immensely, and still do, despite the emotional bashing she has dealt me. (As I mentioned, the first big bashing took place just a few months after marriage.)

I just can't take it anymore, can't live with a spouse who cheats, and can't be the bad guy any more when I haven't done anything (seriously) wrong.

My post yesterday was just to say that for the first time in months I feel like I have a life (again) outside of the negative marriage I was trapped in. Not that the hurting has stopped -- that will take a very long time to subside, I expect.
 
#71 ·
You seemed to indicate that you fell head over heal with this woman from outset and when you posted (without explanation) that life was "stirring again" it came across as a mixed message that you really didn't care about her but from your post it seems as though your first months of married life have been hell. She is lashing out at the moment trying to justify her situation. Maybe she is bipolar? Maybe a lot of resentment? Sometimes a disloyal spouse is so secretive that the loyal spouse is shocked when everything comes pouring out and it becomes nasty. Has she a history of blaming everyone but herself?
 
#68 ·
The drama continues today. Eli-Zor, you were bang on, both on the attempted gaslighting and the trumped-up charges. I awoke today to find two emails from her, one about perception not always being reality in relationships, and the second a rant about my motivations to get away to a hotel – a tryst with a new girlfriend, perhaps?

This aggressive push-back in the face of her cheating strains all remaining respect I have for her. If she were honest with herself, she would just say, “Yes I did it. I can explain the reasons.” Or if she wanted me back so badly, she could have said something like “Let’s not talk about other people. Let’s talk about us.” How about just a neutral, “You do what you think you have to do.” Nope. It’s all about me again, not her.

I am not taking the bait here. I am sticking to the key facts. But it is very upsetting.

What kind of person is this? This behavior sounds almost psychotic. I have never experienced anything like it before in my 49 years.

What can I expect next? I am leaving town on Monday, only to come back a few times over the coming weeks and months to wind up my affairs here. The lawyers are warming up the papers next week.
 
#75 ·
The drama continues today.... I awoke today to find two emails from her, one about perception not always being reality in relationships, and the second a rant about my motivations to get away to a hotel – a tryst with a new girlfriend, perhaps?
Just a reminder that a thief always looks over his shoulder because he knows people like him are out there... Normal people dont live that way.

The accusation is nothing more than her own guilt projected onto you. Your only response to that that should be " No, I do not cheat on someone I am married to, That would be you"

I'm sure she felt good as the thief... She was in control, she had power over you, and now that she sees you walking she morns the loss of that power. DO NOT mistake it for effort. The best thing that can happen for her own emotional healing, is for you to question yourself and give justification to her actions.

Let her be "Carlo's Problem".


@ Michzz -
Rage is the phase where the clearest thinking happens, because you are devoid of all self loathing. I am not saying that Rage is the answer to all problems, but in an Affair, Rage DEFFINATELY has its purpose.

@ Elizor -
I half agree with you. He needs to plan, and to execute that plan, but with No-Fault laws, It serves no real purpose to compound a file unless he presented it at a custody hearing * he has no kids here*.

@ Andrew -

You got plenty of support here, just keep truckin'.
 
#70 ·
Does your wife have a facebook account, if so copy all her friends details onto word, therafter send an exposure note to them. If she does not have one send a mail to all her family and friends stating the facts , include the OM's name and mention you have hard evidence to confirm the affair.

The above serves to protect you from her gaslighting and keep your wife on the backfoot, do not reveal to her what you are doing, if you can get access to his friends details via facebook or elsewhere do the same. Neither of them will expect you to do this.

Whatever happens do not play your hand and plan your steps carefully , if you need exposure words there is a template I can post for you.
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#72 ·
Respectfully Andrew, your wife is more or less following the infidelity script. I think it's more human nature than a specific failing unique to her. And based on what you've written, you are stung by this, but not particularly devastated, which tells me you weren't THAT invested in the relationship.

You can undertake a campaign to further hurt her as Eli-Zor is suggesting, or just get on with your life. What's the saying about digging two graves when plotting revenge? Be the bigger person, and realize she's a damaged human being who, for whatever pshycologically make up, can't/won't take responsibility. She probably deserves your pity more than your rage.
 
#74 ·
Excuse me "Undertake a campain to future hurt her" , where is his WW hurting, she has been caught in an affair, this option gives Andrew the choice to breaking the affair and when his head is clear and should his wife show true remorse he can decide if he wants to recover the marriage. It furthermore allows him to set the record straight before she tries to destroy his good name.
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#78 ·
Fair enough, poor choice of language on my part.

My point is that it's a short marriage, no kids, and he seems okay with moving on. Disclosure to friends and family is a tactic to try and end an affair where the betrayed spouse wants to reconcile. You're advocating it as a way of getting revenge, which is not healthy.
 
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