I just discovered that my wife of 10 months is having an affair with her ex-boyfriend -- the boyfriend she had before me. I am crushed. I am trying to recover my mental balance to do the right thing from here -- whatever that is. Any perspectives would be appreciated.
Our story was, I thought, almost a fairy tale -- now with a nightmarish twist to it.
I am 49, a business executive, married once when I was (too) young, no kids. Almost always have had positive relationships with women. She is 38, in the medical field, and has never been married, although had one long-term cohabitation with a man who was in graduate school with her.
I met her 2.5 years ago, literally by accident. I was working in her city (across the country from my own) sent by my company on a lengthy assignment, when I had a minor incident that required medical attention. I visited her clinic a few times and, through a series of happenstances (including bumping into her at the café next door), got to know her very well. She is intelligent, charming, and attractive. I fell for her instantly. She said she was single and available, as she had broken up with her boyfriend "Carlo" some months before.
Fast-forward a year, and I was regularly dating her, getting my company to extend my assignment in her city -- although I had to return to head office about 10 days a month. We had lots of fun together, great conversations, laughs, experiences, travel, romance. "Carlo" had tried to win her back, but she declined his attentions.
We were married 18 months after meeting, in a beautiful ceremony with our families and friends. I was the happiest man in the world. She said repeatedly she was committed to a long and happy marriage with me, with a child possible if it wasn't too late.
I was able to extend my work assignment indefinitely, so we could live in her city. I was ecstatic about this, as I like the city, and was so set on establishing a happy home with her. We bought a wonderful new house that she particularly liked, in a nice area very convenient to her place of work. She expressed concern about the cost, as she said she didn't have much spare cash and had lots of expenditures for her professional set-up. I gladly covered the down payment and all the initial costs.
I like and seem to get along well with her family and colleagues. I support her professional aspirations, and always willing to help her in any possible way -- including with some paperwork for her clinic and cooking dinner when she is working late.
The first six months of marriage were joyful, and smooth -- or so I thought. I had to spend 10 days a month in my old city, at head office and winding down my affairs there (selling my house, arranging my own move to her city, etc.). I emphasized that, once I relocated everything, I wouldn't be away for more than 5 days a month -- which is not bad by any couple's standards, especially when no kids are involved.
The problems started without any warning and no apparent precipitant. She first started to object about my travel to my old city. I told her that I too didn't like it, but I had to report to my head office and also wind down my affairs there so I could fully move out to my (our) new city. She wasn't empathetic at all about this, especially when my company was being extremely accommodating and flexible and I am CHANGING MY LIFE TO BE WITH HER.
I then perceived her to be the master of double standards. For example, she often called me at work and pulled me out of a business meeting for something minor. If I suggested we talk in a few hours, she'd get in a huff. But if I called her at work and it wasn't convenient, she'd just ignore the call. Similarly, she could also come home very late from work, without explanation. Whereas, I once arranged to have an after-work beer with an old (male) colleague who was in town, and she went ballistic for not informing her (she wouldn't have been available anyway).
She then started into a program of fault-finding and negativity. I couldn't do anything right, no matter how hard I tried. The worst cut is her saying "I can't talk to you" because of some supposed deficiency in communication that I have. While I have occasionally been accused of being a slightly reserved WASP male type, I am a decent communicator, always ready to talk calmly. I don't like to "fight", and prefer to cool down for an hour or overnight before talking about problems. She now appears to choose to misunderstand or misconstrue everything I say. I began to walk on eggshells.
Predictably, our sex life started to take more than the usual post-marriage decline, although was still enjoyable when it happened.
Around New Year's she seemed to step up the passive-aggessive, un-empathetic, behavior. I was at my wit's end, so I checked her laptop. My heart was pierced with a red-hot knife when I saw a few email love messages between her and "Carlo". I confronted her about this, and she just said that they were old messages that "Carlo" had asked her to send to remember her by. I thought this odd, but love is blind, so I let it go.
The weirdness continued. On my most recent monthly trip away, she was completely unavailable for the weekend when I called and texted her. She said she was in town all weekend but had attended a friend's funeral so was feeling down. When I returned to our home, I managed to catch a glimpse of her email inbox, which had a message from "Carlo". She also carefully guards her cell phone at all times.
I then checked her latest credit card statement, which showed big charges for gasoline and a quiet beach hotel for two nights about three hours from our home.
Incidentally, in searching for the credit card statement, I found her bank statements which show she had plenty of cash to help pay the down-payment for our house with me, should she have wanted to.
I am feeling like the world's #1 chump right now.
I still love her, but I can't live with someone who loves another. And then there's the lying. And the passive-aggressive, fault-finding behavior which seems to be designed to make me feel like I am somehow guilty of something serious, when all I have been trying to do is be the best husband and friend I could be (as well as do my own job).
I have to confront her with this, but I don't know when or how. I would suggest joint counselling, but since everything seems to be "all my fault", I don't know if it could accomplish anything. I have halted the sale of my old house. I am thinking of returning to my old city.
Strangely, although she seems to be pushing me away, I don't detect that she wants to split from me. Just last night she took me to a party with a number of her professional colleagues and for a short time was almost her old self. And "Carlo" is formally married, with children, so he isn't exactly ready marriage material. Just more flamboyant than I am, showering her with Latin lover attention.
Is she trying to line me up to be her full-time chump husband who pays the bills while she cavorts on the side, or is she trying to bait me into pulling the plug? My current assessment is that she is a seriously emotionally impaired person who doesn't know what she wants but feels entitled to everything.
Our story was, I thought, almost a fairy tale -- now with a nightmarish twist to it.
I am 49, a business executive, married once when I was (too) young, no kids. Almost always have had positive relationships with women. She is 38, in the medical field, and has never been married, although had one long-term cohabitation with a man who was in graduate school with her.
I met her 2.5 years ago, literally by accident. I was working in her city (across the country from my own) sent by my company on a lengthy assignment, when I had a minor incident that required medical attention. I visited her clinic a few times and, through a series of happenstances (including bumping into her at the café next door), got to know her very well. She is intelligent, charming, and attractive. I fell for her instantly. She said she was single and available, as she had broken up with her boyfriend "Carlo" some months before.
Fast-forward a year, and I was regularly dating her, getting my company to extend my assignment in her city -- although I had to return to head office about 10 days a month. We had lots of fun together, great conversations, laughs, experiences, travel, romance. "Carlo" had tried to win her back, but she declined his attentions.
We were married 18 months after meeting, in a beautiful ceremony with our families and friends. I was the happiest man in the world. She said repeatedly she was committed to a long and happy marriage with me, with a child possible if it wasn't too late.
I was able to extend my work assignment indefinitely, so we could live in her city. I was ecstatic about this, as I like the city, and was so set on establishing a happy home with her. We bought a wonderful new house that she particularly liked, in a nice area very convenient to her place of work. She expressed concern about the cost, as she said she didn't have much spare cash and had lots of expenditures for her professional set-up. I gladly covered the down payment and all the initial costs.
I like and seem to get along well with her family and colleagues. I support her professional aspirations, and always willing to help her in any possible way -- including with some paperwork for her clinic and cooking dinner when she is working late.
The first six months of marriage were joyful, and smooth -- or so I thought. I had to spend 10 days a month in my old city, at head office and winding down my affairs there (selling my house, arranging my own move to her city, etc.). I emphasized that, once I relocated everything, I wouldn't be away for more than 5 days a month -- which is not bad by any couple's standards, especially when no kids are involved.
The problems started without any warning and no apparent precipitant. She first started to object about my travel to my old city. I told her that I too didn't like it, but I had to report to my head office and also wind down my affairs there so I could fully move out to my (our) new city. She wasn't empathetic at all about this, especially when my company was being extremely accommodating and flexible and I am CHANGING MY LIFE TO BE WITH HER.
I then perceived her to be the master of double standards. For example, she often called me at work and pulled me out of a business meeting for something minor. If I suggested we talk in a few hours, she'd get in a huff. But if I called her at work and it wasn't convenient, she'd just ignore the call. Similarly, she could also come home very late from work, without explanation. Whereas, I once arranged to have an after-work beer with an old (male) colleague who was in town, and she went ballistic for not informing her (she wouldn't have been available anyway).
She then started into a program of fault-finding and negativity. I couldn't do anything right, no matter how hard I tried. The worst cut is her saying "I can't talk to you" because of some supposed deficiency in communication that I have. While I have occasionally been accused of being a slightly reserved WASP male type, I am a decent communicator, always ready to talk calmly. I don't like to "fight", and prefer to cool down for an hour or overnight before talking about problems. She now appears to choose to misunderstand or misconstrue everything I say. I began to walk on eggshells.
Predictably, our sex life started to take more than the usual post-marriage decline, although was still enjoyable when it happened.
Around New Year's she seemed to step up the passive-aggessive, un-empathetic, behavior. I was at my wit's end, so I checked her laptop. My heart was pierced with a red-hot knife when I saw a few email love messages between her and "Carlo". I confronted her about this, and she just said that they were old messages that "Carlo" had asked her to send to remember her by. I thought this odd, but love is blind, so I let it go.
The weirdness continued. On my most recent monthly trip away, she was completely unavailable for the weekend when I called and texted her. She said she was in town all weekend but had attended a friend's funeral so was feeling down. When I returned to our home, I managed to catch a glimpse of her email inbox, which had a message from "Carlo". She also carefully guards her cell phone at all times.
I then checked her latest credit card statement, which showed big charges for gasoline and a quiet beach hotel for two nights about three hours from our home.
Incidentally, in searching for the credit card statement, I found her bank statements which show she had plenty of cash to help pay the down-payment for our house with me, should she have wanted to.
I am feeling like the world's #1 chump right now.
I still love her, but I can't live with someone who loves another. And then there's the lying. And the passive-aggressive, fault-finding behavior which seems to be designed to make me feel like I am somehow guilty of something serious, when all I have been trying to do is be the best husband and friend I could be (as well as do my own job).
I have to confront her with this, but I don't know when or how. I would suggest joint counselling, but since everything seems to be "all my fault", I don't know if it could accomplish anything. I have halted the sale of my old house. I am thinking of returning to my old city.
Strangely, although she seems to be pushing me away, I don't detect that she wants to split from me. Just last night she took me to a party with a number of her professional colleagues and for a short time was almost her old self. And "Carlo" is formally married, with children, so he isn't exactly ready marriage material. Just more flamboyant than I am, showering her with Latin lover attention.
Is she trying to line me up to be her full-time chump husband who pays the bills while she cavorts on the side, or is she trying to bait me into pulling the plug? My current assessment is that she is a seriously emotionally impaired person who doesn't know what she wants but feels entitled to everything.