Separate. If she really wants you, she will pursue you and PROVE herself. If she doesn't do this, well, then you know she's a gold digger.
Protect your money. Shut down all accounts TODAY. You can always reopen them later.
Good advice. Things are beginning to be closed down and moved quietly, limit on joint credit card reduced significantly. I need to move a few key things out of the house next week and make some other arrangements before I confront her.
A good by-product of my investigation of her files this week is that I know she has assets, and where. She also has a very good salary. So I am not worried so much about her being a classic "gold digger" -- although I suppose one never knows until any legal process starts.
Not that I would handle this very gracefully, but I would just print out the hotel reciepts, emails from 'Carlos' and leave them for her to see, and just move back to your home city.
I love the simplicity of this approach! I might just do it that way! The one good thing about the half-finished relocation is that when I pull the plug and leave this town, I'm gone for good!
She has been studiously cool to me the past week, especially the past two days, while I have been as "normal" as possible, talkative, keeping our normal routine.
She is very self-centered, so I don't think she knows what I am thinking.
I feel that with this low-key passive aggressive behavior she is trying to bait me into some kind of fight. (You would think that a cheater would want to be sweet and nice to cover up her sordid activities, but that's another issue.) I am avoiding taking the bait. I really don't have much to discuss or argue about with her. Funny, but I detect that my failure to take the bait might actually be pissing her off somehow, causing her to escalate the coolness. It's like her desired remote control transmitter of me is no longer working.
It is amazing what you see when you twist the lens. A lot of things are coming into sharp focus.
If you separate and you never see her again, you have your answer.
If you separate and she goes ballistic and follows you or harasses you or begs you, you can at least try to pretend she really loved you, and you can work from there.
The best thing about this marriage is when you leave this marriage. I wouldn't give her the time of day, just take off. You can analyze the marriage once you're back to ones and can let her know how messed up she is later if she even asks.
She has never been married before. She had a live-in relationship for 5 years with "George" that ended in 2007, about a year before she took up with "Carlo". I have met "George", and he is a nice guy, but seems a little wacky -- certainly he screwed around on her a lot. Not a lot of ethics there.
While I am at it, the OM, ex-boyfriend "Carlo" seems dramatic, impulsive and out-there too, at least according to people I know who have worked with him. And he's still married, although his wife knows he screws around.
I have a feeling that, given my wife's experience with these exotic (I didn't say nutty) guys, I happened along and was the stable, nice, socially and professionally presentable man with whom she wanted to experience marriage. I am getting the feeling that it was a stage of life thing rather than love. I feel like an accessory to her life, a little better than a fancy new handbag.
I think she craves the drama and tumoil/excitement that these two other guys live. I don't provide it, and wouldn't want to.
First of I would like to point out that you are a well spoken man, methodical and seemingly objective. Having that iformation about yourself, you should feel secure in making a decision.
Lets examine the facts here.
You are 49, sir. You really dont have time to be dealing with issues of infidelity and the likes of "Carlo"
The truth is that cheating is a process that most people dont recover from for years and years. If this were to work out, and she were prove herself to you, you would be 60 before you had some sence of normalcy in your life.
The best thing you can do is chalk this up to an error in judgement and move forward.
The no-fault laws of divorce make cheating a meal ticket for gold diggers, so use caution when making the split.
Seperate your property, "Secure" your assets. (you know what i mean) and just go **Poof**
If you are not in any real rush, start looking now. I do not advise just going without saying a word. A spouse can claim abandonment, even if she is a pin cushion for Carlo. That can come back to bite you. Annulment is the best answer if possible, but there has to be an agreement to that i think. * dont hold me to that*
You don't have time to play games, friend. Stick with your job as priority #1, and deal with her like an annoyance. If she starts flipping out on you, ask her mother or father for some advice.
I did that once, it was hilarious... The mom told me all kinds of good stuff. Good for a laugh... when you have no intention on saving the union.
Anyways, i have high expectations for you brother... You sound like a guy who is dealing with this on a logical basis. You know what to do, just execute the plan now. No one succeeds without a little effort. go get em, buddy.
Maybe a dumb question, but why is it the one being screwed over the one who has to leave? If she's being unfaithful & etc., why shouldn't she go, especially if you provided the extra funds. Wouldn't it be easier to deal with the legal matters BEFORE you're in another state? I walked away and lost everything, because I didn't know the law or what a spouse is capable of, when they have the right problems. We owe the same amount on the home we bought 12 years ago, which means at least $30,000 missing there. My husband took our jointly titled car and traded it for one by himself...if you have a joint real estate holding, I'd be careful. You could end up owing a lot...best of luck and endings...
First of I would like to point out that you are a well spoken man, methodical and seemingly objective. Having that iformation about yourself, you should feel secure in making a decision.
I think I am a reasonably balanced and fair person. I fully accept my 50% of responsibility for the marriage and am always willing to discuss ways I can improve and relate better. Sure, I am not perfect. I work hard, with long hours and some travel, but stop well short of being a workaholic. (I like nothing better than to have a cell and laptop free weekend.) I am like most men in that I need my mate to give me a gentle whack to the head every now and again to make focus on some issue that I might not be adequately considering about her -- but when I do know about it, I think I am very good at trying to listen, understand, empathize, and try to work things out with her in a positive way.
I also tend not to keep grudges over minor issues, as we all need to focus on the positive and keep growing.
The big problem with this marriage is that she tells me she can't talk to me, and goes off in a huff when I ask her to explain. The few times she has talked to me about the "problems", it's aways about and my various supposed deficiencies. When I try to discuss them, it's like I am trying to argue to the state Court of Appeal from a conviction. And, no surprise, she is rarely wrong or "needs improvement". If she does something wrong, she says "sorry, it's done, I didn't mean it, what's your problem". She has taken at most 20% responsibility for our relationship, and then mostly the "fun" parts.
You are quite right: at 49, I don't have any time to waste, and I won't.
A good by-product of my investigation of her files this week is that I know she has assets, and where. She also has a very good salary. So I am not worried so much about her being a classic "gold digger" -- although I suppose one never knows until any legal process starts.
She may have her own money but that does not stop her from being avaricious in trying to get more. Keep records of every thing, when it comes to any monetary arrangement she may owe you. I'll tell you from a woman's standpoint. I think you came along at the right time when she got out of the relationship with her ex.
She saw you as nice, and rather trusting and very into her so she took advantage of a good thing. The clearest sign that she was not invested in the partnership with you was the fact that she did not want to invest in a home even though she had the money.
Can you find out more about her? Make very sure you have all of your eggs in a row before you out her, don't forget to cut off all access to anything of value to you. Get her out of your house immediately when she comes back. Give her 48 hrs to get her stuff out. You pack an leave it outside. She does not appear to be due any kindness. She has enough money to stay in a hotel.
Please don't beg her or ask for explanations or seem upset. Be strong and matter of fact. This is the best way to handle her and go away with your dignity. Just tell her to get out and why.....
You will never really find out why she did this so don't give her the chance to lie or try to put it back on you. You can figure it out yourself. You must be surgical and resolute. She seems dishonest enough to do anything in fact I would secure a lawyer for consultation and make sure you file first.
Can you find out more about her? Make very sure you have all of your eggs in a row before you out her, don't forget to cut off all access to anything of value to you. Get her out of your house immediately when she comes back. Give her 48 hrs to get her stuff out. You pack an leave it outside. She does not appear to be due any kindness. She has enough money to stay in a hotel.
Please don't beg her or ask for explanations or seem upset. Be strong and matter of fact. This is the best way to handle her and go away with your dignity. Just tell her to get out and why.....
You will never really find out why she did this so don't give her the chance to lie or try to put it back on you. You can figure it out yourself. You must be surgical and resolute. She seems dishonest enough to do anything in fact I would secure a lawyer for consultation and make sure you file first.
First of all, thanks to everyone who was kind enough to offer me their perspectives. It helped me tremendously over the past few days -- a time when I felt numb and hyperactive at the same time, didn't have anyone to talk to, lacked any objectivity (impossible) and wondered WTF? What do I do? What is this? Who did I marry?
I have already taken steps to "secure" things and take legal action. I am following up with the lawyer next week. For good reason I can't mention here, I can't out her for another few weeks. But I will have everything ready for then.
While I do expect her to fight back and try to claim a bigger piece of the pie than she deserves, I am not worried about being taken to the cleaners, for a few reasons I shouldn't say. Sure, I will lose some money on the house transferring back to my old city, but thank God that if this had to happen it happened now when I can slide back into my old house and city. I'll consider any loss an "exit ticket".
And for those who say I should fight for the house and get her out of it pronto, I understand the reasoning, but the down payment wasn't enormous and I really want to get out of here and get my life back on track. If it gets tied up in legal process for a few years, it's no big deal. In a weird way, I think it will piss her off more than me.
And as far as her being able to cry, whine, cajole or romance me back, there is zero risk of that. Perhaps because I am a "nice guy" I am often mistaken for a pushover. But do me really wrong, and the switch flips to the other side. I am very determined when I need to be.
And yes, when the moment comes, it will be succinct, as clinical as I can do it -- and then ciao.
She may have her own money but that does not stop her from being avaricious in trying to get more. Keep records of every thing, when it comes to any monetary arrangement she may owe you. I'll tell you from a woman's standpoint. I think you came along at the right time when she got out of the relationship with her ex.
She saw you as nice, and rather trusting and very into her so she took advantage of a good thing. The clearest sign that she was not invested in the partnership with you was the fact that she did not want to invest in a home even though she had the money.
Can you find out more about her? Make very sure you have all of your eggs in a row before you out her, don't forget to cut off all access to anything of value to you. Get her out of your house immediately when she comes back. Give her 48 hrs to get her stuff out. You pack an leave it outside. She does not appear to be due any kindness. She has enough money to stay in a hotel.
Please don't beg her or ask for explanations or seem upset. Be strong and matter of fact. This is the best way to handle her and go away with your dignity. Just tell her to get out and why.....
You will never really find out why she did this so don't give her the chance to lie or try to put it back on you. You can figure it out yourself. You must be surgical and resolute. She seems dishonest enough to do anything in fact I would secure a lawyer for consultation and make sure you file first.
I can't believe what tragi-comic scene is playing out here.
I would really love to know what she is thinking, what she is trying to do, as it would help me get though the coming month until the boom comes down.
(And no, this is not any kind of "analysis paralysis", this is "who is this woman, really?")
She can't know everything I now know about her affair (and I haven't told anyone), and she can't know about the steps I am taking. She hasn't made any statement to me about separating.
But she's really stepped up the campaign of passive-aggressiveness. Here's a sample of today's fare she has dished at me:
1. No gifts that I gave her are visible in the house. She is using a different handbag, my Valentine's flowers are in the trash, I'll bet her "favorite" perfume I got her has been tucked away somewhere.
2. We had an appointment for some minor house renovation matters. She didn't show up, claiming (by phoning an hour late) that the winter weather was bad.
3. We went out to the shopping mall to have a bite and do some shopping. (I was as "normal" as possible, and even a little more upbeat than yesterday as my head is a lot clearer.) I told her about the minor renovation discussions, and she couldn't have been less interested. I continued for as long as the subject deserved.
4. We had to duck in to two shops at the end of the evening, so we split up for 10 minutes. I told her I'd meet her back at hers,and when I got there, they said she had left. I texted her, and she said she was in the parking garage. Which happened to be right near where I had been.
5. All day she has been studiously "businesslike" with me, even gruff. Of course she has been absolutely charming to her co-workers on the phone.
6. She came to bed dressed in her armor bathrobe, and turned her knees up against me to keep me away. I gave her a good-night kiss anyway.
These are obviously all provocations, and I am not taking the bait on any of them. I'm being the oblivious nice guy, for now: as in "She's probably just had a bad day."
But why is she doing this right now? This is so nasty, pathetic and transparent it is almost laughable. What's her game plan? Is she trying to:
A. Provoke me into a fight where she can dish me some more, perhaps to try to keep me in control?
B. Provoke me into a fight so she can storm out "with justification" about how difficult I am, or precipitate a break-up from one of us?
or
C. She is so screwed up and torn between "Carlo's" exciting affections and my (formerly) happy home that she is seizing up inside and freezing?
D. She is just a hollow person with some kind of serious emotional deficiency who needs serial lovers. She has now has latched onto the next man/victim, doesn't need the last host, and is incapable of even basic courtesy and respect and affection to him. She needs to denigrate him in order to effect the transference to the new one. This could go on for some time, until someone pulls the plug.
I vote B or D, but it could be still early for B, so I have to go with D.
Once again, while I am obviously very curious as to the psychological diagnosis here, I really do want to know what her game tactics are likely to be right now. No one can say for sure, I realize, but a few probable scenarios would help.
Unless anyone has a better suggestion, I plan to be the basically pleasant "oblivious guy" for the next few weeks, but I am going to be very busy at work too (hey, big projects coming up!). I might also forget to buy a few things or sign any new contracts. I will not fight, express any negative feelings, or go cold like she has.
Re: I just found out. I am crushed. 
W/ Catherine602 
