Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
Well my DS just started to the last week or two. It's the same mood/way she gets remorseful over other things just multiplied 10 fold. She gets quit, she curls up and starts crying. She doesn't want to do anything, and for the next day or two she gets dangerously depressed, and as of late, telling me she does not deserve the kids (which is the real kicker) or myself over and over all day. But I also think its okay, and normal for some guilt and self pity mixed in as well. I am not excusing what my wife did, but what she did was so out of character for her the some of her nearest family is lost on what to think and she is starting to see that her self and in reaction feeling the pity and guilt.
I don't know if that is helping your question or not. But I guess for me, knowing my wife before the Affair happened is helping me try to read her after.
__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
There is no infallable way to know if what you are seeing is genuine remorse or not.
What I would start with would be your gut... that's where it all begins. No one knows your spouse quite the way that you do. Do you sense genuine remorse?
As with all people that mislead, lie or decieve there are always subtle non-verbal cues (facial expressions) which can give you some indication whether the person is being genuine...
People who fake remorse tend to show a greater range of emotional expressions and swing from one emotion to another very quickly - if the base emotional responses are grouped into three categories; Good (happy) /Neutral (neutral, surprise). /Bad (sadness, fear, anger, contempt, disgust) a person intentionally decieving you will tend to swing from category to category very quickly. Particularly from good to bad or bad to good (skipping nuetral). The phenomenon is referred to as emotional turbulence - They will also speak with more hesitation.
__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
Thanks; that helps me too. I posted a thread and got no replies. Feel lost but I know myself better than I know anyone else. If I knew my husband well-enough, I doubt we'd be embroiled in the problems we are. He does the mood swing thing-slams down the phone, walks away and then refuses to talk for days. I've been paying attention; it usually happens when I assertively ask him to follow through with something constructive he said he's going to do to improve our relationship or communication. I also notice that he runs with his anger and next thing I know, I'm being blamed for his failing to keep his word. Sorry, not my fault if your word is worthless...
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
I had the same thing with my wife, she would get very angry if I pushed her and accuse me of controlling etc. Basically there was never any humility. I just didn't get the feeling she was remorseful and my gut feeling was bang on target. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
There are also some qualities/behaviors to look for when someone is genuinely remorseful... They are signs/actions that someone will commonly exhibit (coping mechinisms) when internally healing from an action or decision that they have made which they feel was wrong... Let me see if I can find the list...
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
Remorse is “When you feel very guilty and sad about something you have done”.
To know what you have “done” to another person means having the capability of putting yourself in their shoes, or walking a mile in their shoes and see and feel what happened through their eyes, mind, emotions etc. In other words it needs the capability of empathy for another person’s situation. Empathy and remorse go hand in hand. Without empathy, there can be no remorse.
Some people are capable of a lot more empathy than others. Those that don’t have any empathy for other people are called psychopaths. Empathy is a large part of being a normal human being.
For those caught in affairs I think their focus is almost totally on themselves, their situation, their feelings. That is, they are totally and utterly selfish and while in that state or mode they do not have any capability whatsoever with empathising with their partner. And because of that they cannot “see or understand” what they have done and the impact it’s had on their partner and therefore do not show any remorse because they are not at all remorseful. In fact, in their eyes you “probably deserved it”. Which is of course the opposite of empathy and remorse.
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
Remorse is “When you feel very guilty and sad about something you have done”.
To know what you have “done” to another person means having the capability of putting yourself in their shoes, or walking a mile in their shoes and see and feel what happened through their eyes, mind, emotions etc. In other words it needs the capability of empathy for another person’s situation. Empathy and remorse go hand in hand. Without empathy, there can be no remorse.
Some people are capable of a lot more empathy than others. Those that don’t have any empathy for other people are called psychopaths. Empathy is a large part of being a normal human being.
For those caught in affairs I think their focus is almost totally on themselves, their situation, their feelings. That is, they are totally and utterly selfish and while in that state or mode they do not have any capability whatsoever with empathising with their partner. And because of that they cannot “see or understand” what they have done and the impact it’s had on their partner and therefore do not show any remorse because they are not at all remorseful. In fact, in their eyes you “probably deserved it”. Which is of course the opposite of empathy and remorse.
Bob
I think they call it the "FOG" on here. My wife did not have either for a good week and a half after I found out. Then once I/we decided to work things out, and I moved in she slowly started to show more and more, until it just "hit" her. We were having a long talk, I was telling her how I felt, and told her I still love her, and it just came on. A
__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
I'm going to assume that the situation that allowed for the cheating has been dealt with in some way. ie no more coming home late from work, no more FaceBook, etc. I think the swings in behavior are probably a good indicator. I'd also add more generally that deeds speak louder then words (as always). Some people cant express themselves verbally so do you see a real change in them? Is their spiritual energy back with you and the family or are they still somewhere else. Are they humble and more ready to be partner with you rather then a combatant? Do they seem to want to make up for what they did? On your side you cant be holding it over them everyday. They have to know there is a way back.
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigwayneo
I think they call it the "FOG" on here. My wife did not have either for a good week and a half after I found out. Then once I/we decided to work things out, and I moved in she slowly started to show more and more, until it just "hit" her. We were having a long talk, I was telling her how I felt, and told her I still love her, and it just came on. A
Personally I think it takes an Oscar winning star to fake remorse. We know it when we see it And once it’s happened the whole world opens up to a true and heartfelt reconciliation, everything’s possible type of thing.
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
OK, list of things a remorseful person does, or is not reluctant to do...
1. A remorseful spouse is willing if not eager to confess everything about the behaviors and mistakes they made. They commonly show a genuine desire to "come clean".
2. A remorseful spouse is openly accountable for their actions and seeks to identify and make changes to insure that this behavior does not reoccur. (They feel genuine pain, therefore they seek to prevent this pain from reoccuring. (normal human response to pain - AVOID IT) (No genuine pain = No reason to seek a solution to avoid repeating that pain).
3. A remorseful spouse will seek to "work", not only on themselves but on general life responsibilities. A remorseful spouse faces the responsibilities of thier day-to-day life and will often show increased motivation to meet those tasks. The work is often approached in a more "humble" way by the remorseful spouse.
4. A remorseful spouse will not object to limitations (i.e. transperency) set by the faithful spouse as a result their actions and in an effort to promote the healing of the violated trust.
5. A remorseful spouse faces the pain they have caused. A remorseful spouse will allow you to express the intesity of the feelings and hurt their actions have caused without justifying, minimizing or blame-shifting.
6. A remorseful spouse seeks forgiveness and respects the process of forgiveness often takes time. They will not be impatient or pressure the injured spouse to say "I forgive you" and will never exhibit a "get over it!" attitude.
These are obviously not hard cold "musts" for a spouse to qualify as genuinely remorseful... I reread it and sounds like the "6 commandments!" lol. I typed it all out myself using artocles and data I have absorbed from all over the place..., I hope this gives you a "roadmap" of some indicators though....
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
Remorse is “When you feel very guilty and sad about something you have done”.
To know what you have “done” to another person means having the capability of putting yourself in their shoes, or walking a mile in their shoes and see and feel what happened through their eyes, mind, emotions etc. In other words it needs the capability of empathy for another person’s situation. Empathy and remorse go hand in hand. Without empathy, there can be no remorse.
Some people are capable of a lot more empathy than others. Those that don’t have any empathy for other people are called psychopaths. Empathy is a large part of being a normal human being.
For those caught in affairs I think their focus is almost totally on themselves, their situation, their feelings. That is, they are totally and utterly selfish and while in that state or mode they do not have any capability whatsoever with empathising with their partner. And because of that they cannot “see or understand” what they have done and the impact it’s had on their partner and therefore do not show any remorse because they are not at all remorseful. In fact, in their eyes you “probably deserved it”. Which is of course the opposite of empathy and remorse.
Bob
Wow I really like how you put this in words! That really puts my ex H in the psychopath. He has not expressed one ounce of empathy or remorse and his affair/relationship is still going on and costing him lots of money(and I am not talking here my alimony or child support). His gf is a professional gold digger
Re: Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach
OK, list of things a remorseful person does, or is not reluctant to do...
1. A remorseful spouse is willing if not eager to confess everything about the behaviors and mistakes they made. They commonly show a genuine desire to "come clean".
2. A remorseful spouse is openly accountable for their actions and seeks to identify and make changes to insure that this behavior does not reoccur. (They feel genuine pain, therefore they seek to prevent this pain from reoccuring. (normal human response to pain - AVOID IT) (No genuine pain = No reason to seek a solution to avoid repeating that pain).
3. A remorseful spouse will seek to "work", not only on themselves but on general life responsibilities. A remorseful spouse faces the responsibilities of thier day-to-day life and will often show increased motivation to meet those tasks. The work is often approached in a more "humble" way by the remorseful spouse.
4. A remorseful spouse will not object to limitations (i.e. transperency) set by the faithful spouse as a result their actions and in an effort to promote the healing of the violated trust.
5. A remorseful spouse faces the pain they have caused. A remorseful spouse will allow you to express the intesity of the feelings and hurt their actions have caused without justifying, minimizing or blame-shifting.
6. A remorseful spouse seeks forgiveness and respects the process of forgiveness often takes time. They will not be impatient or pressure the injured spouse to say "I forgive you" and will never exhibit a "get over it!" attitude.
These are obviously not hard cold "musts" for a spouse to qualify as genuinely remorseful... I reread it and sounds like the "6 commandments!" lol. I typed it all out myself using artocles and data I have absorbed from all over the place..., I hope this gives you a "roadmap" of some indicators though....
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Remorse: How do you tell if your disloyal spouse is or is not remorseful? 
