What to do / need to vent...

alpha6bravo2 · 09-06-2008, 12:47 AM

I am a young man, early 20's, only married for 2 years now. My wife and I dated through highschool, stayed together through college, and have been with each other faithfully for about 6 years now.
Why I came here to post...

I've worked with a young woman that's my age for the past 2 years, since shortly before I was married. We both started at the same company within a couple weeks of each other, and being the new kids around we spent a lot of time with each other. We were both engaged, she got married a few months before I did. We went through a lot of the same steps in life at the same time, so we talked a lot and became great friends.

Shortly after I got married, I became very jaded with my relationship. Perhaps it's the curse of a 21st century relationship... my wife works full time, does not cook, I help with cleaning and laundry, after the 'newlywed' stage, sex became more and more rare. During this time, my friendship with my coworker sort of quieted down. I was busy with projects at work, as was she, we had very little time to spend being friends.

A few months ago we started talking again, we got together with our spouses and went on "double dates", just in general being good friends. Our conversations with each other eventually turned into complaining about our marriage situations. Shortly after we re-vamped our friendship, i was forced to relocate within the company, and moved to a new office. We kept our friendship via email and phone calls. It didn't take long for our conversations to turn flirty, saying we missed each other, anticipating the next time we would make an office visit.

The whole situation came to a boiling point when we ended up beside each other in traffic one evening, and she texted me asking where I was going. I said to follow me and find out. I was going to a gas station, and she followed me and pulled in beside me. She just kind of smiled and asked what I was doing, we had a short chat and she left. She immediately texted and said that I had missed my chance. For what? "To have me..". This threw me for a loop. I always thought she was gorgeous, she's extremely intelligent, and always struck me as having strong moral values. This was a step above our 'innocent' flirting. I was floored. I felt boyish.

The next step I brought on myself, I was in an area of town that I knew she would be passing through on her way home from work, so I told her to meet me. We pulled into an empty parking lot, she hopped in my car, and we made out. Like high school kids parking, it was full of passion that both of us were missing from our spouses. It lasted maybe 15 minutes, we said goodbye, and went home. I came home to my wife, made dinner, and spent the evening like nothing had ever happened. The odd thing is... It really didn't feel like anything happened. I wasn't dying of guilt, I felt almost nothing at all.

We talked with each other about how nonchalant we both felt about it. From talking with her, I knew she was missing out on emotional attachment at home. I was missing out on physical intimacy. It was a classic set up for this situation. During the rare times we were alone together, we would hold hands, rub each others shoulders, etc. Dangerous stuff considering the circumstances, and we both knew it. But I was not man enough to make myself stop.

These encounters kept up for a couple of weeks, including me coming to her office after work hours for meetings. Any time we had a spare second with no chance of getting caught, we were all over each other. We eventually had intercourse. The next week, she missed a couple of days at work, and when she came back simply said she could not talk to me. At all.

I eventually got her to explain to me that she had come clean to her husband. He said he would give it a chance to work on it, if she broke contact with me, and found a new job.

She has a new job and will start in a couple of weeks. However, in the past week, she has started communicating with me again. It has once again become very flirtatious. She threw me a complete curve ball today when she wanted to meet in private, to talk. I did. We kept it to just talk, but it scared me.

She opened up to me about everything that's been going on in her head, all the decisions she has to sort out, etc., and wrapped it up by saying she still has feelings for me. My advice was to just stay away from me until she gets into the new job, (which is miles and miles away), and work on her marriage without interaction with me. She kept asking what if she did everything she could but still had feelings for me and couldn't make it work?
I knew what she was asking, and what she wanted to hear. But I have no plans to leave my wife. Our marriage isn't perfect, but I cannot let down my parents, her family, our friends, etc.

She also asked if I'm happy with where I'm at. I hesitated. I know I'm not, or else I wouldn't have fallen into this whole mess. But can I really put my 'happiness' in front of my obligations as a husband?

FWIW, I have not confessed any of this to my wife, or anyone else for that matter. I do not want to hurt my wife just to get a clean conscience. I know to some that makes me look like a monster, but I really do not see what good could come of it, especially if my former lover is far away, and this whole thing is over with.

Something inside of me is telling me that if I'm not 110% dedicated to this marriage, now is the time to bail: no kids, only a couple of years invested. But I also think this may just be part of the 'settling in' process. (being bored with it, not infidelity, obviously).

I don't know why I posted all of this. I don't what kind of answers or feedback I expect. I guess I just need to know there are others out there who might understand or be able to offer advice.

draconis · 09-06-2008, 12:58 AM

Although I can not sympathize with you I can offer you advice from what I know of being married and helping countless people here and elsewhere.

First your affair both emotional and physical has caused the very issues of your marriage. Your actions only go to further distance yourself from your wife.

I would suggest if you invest all that time, energy and emotion into your relationship it can and will get better for you, like what you want and hope for.

You need to understand how to fix your marriage now or ever relationship you have will suffer the same fate.

draconis

ljtseng · 09-06-2008, 01:03 AM

You are definitely not alone in what you are experiencing. I personally do not think you should bail on your wife. You'll run into this problem again and again if you dont fix it now. Ive thought about cheating on my H plenty of times. Even had an invite from a guy to meet him at a hotel...well, i didnt go but i havent told him about that either.

there are different opinions about whether to tell your wife or not. I used to be 100% 'yes tell your wife' but i guess im not so sure now. if she ever finds out it will be doubly bad for your relationship. if you tell her now it will expose all the issues you are having and make you accountable for what you have done.
but you will risk losing her.

If you now realize the problems in your marriage you could work to fix them. You can get what you need from your wife. you just have to communicate and really want to do it. If you keep giving yourself an out (like cheating, or wondering if it'll work) then you'll never have a good marriage.

amber · 09-06-2008, 01:16 AM

It sounds to me like you are being very selfish. This IS the 21st century...so if doing laundry and picking up after yourself is really a problem in the marriage...then hire a maid. And if the only reason why you are staying in this marriage is because as you say...you don't want to let family/friends/etc down...then I think that's pretty weak.

You have no idea the emotional pain you are going to put your wife through when she finds out about your affair. It's so damaging, and the effects will linger with her for an entire lifetime. I know it's exciting and thrilling, and you are feeling things that you haven't felt in your marriage in a while, but it's wrong and it needs to stop. It sounds like the girl you are involved with knows exactly how to play the situation to her advantage. Her husband made it clear that the communication is to stop, and she continues with it. Then she tells you that she want's to be with you. If she can't respect the man she's married too....do you think she's going to respect you?

If there are things lacking in your marriage, then the right thing to do is talk to your wife about it. Maybe marriage isn't the right thing for you two...but neither is an affair.

The very first step to dealing with this is ending ALL communication with the girl. Forget her number, and change yours if you half too. The second step is to talk to your wife. If you believe this marriage is worth saving...then do something about it.

LovelyinVA · 09-06-2008, 02:03 AM

In order to help you both move on - please cut off all ties with her.

cao428 · 09-06-2008, 07:32 AM

I agree with what Amber and LovelinVA said about cutting off all ties, and how this girl is manipulating and the chances are good she would do the same to you if you two ended up together.

You two have been together through High School, and haven't dated others, so it sounds like you didn't take out time to explore other relationships and settled right in to a marriage.

Whatever reason, you have some serious thinking to do, and hopefully you won't bring children into the marriage until you can decide if you are going to be committed.

alpha6bravo2 · 10-24-2008, 09:26 PM

Just to update:

The other woman has moved jobs and I have not had any contact with her since her last day where I work.
I have used the whole experience to better myself and learn everything I can. I will never stray from my marriage again. This whole situation came about because I emotionally "checked out" with my wife. I spent more time talking and being around another woman, and inevitably we became too close. I've become more happy in my marriage, I'm putting in an honest effort to be friends with my wife, and make more time to spend with her every day. It never really clicked in my head that marriage really IS work. The work is paying off, though, I'm happier overall, and more content knowing that I can make anything work if I try hard enough. I have a rather depressive personality, so the real work is just finding what makes me happy, as well as my mate.

To offer advice to anyone else who may be on the brink of an affair, or in the beginning stages of one: don't do it. Break it off now. I guess I really got the "best case" scenario. The relationship ended in a non-explosive fashion, I essentially "got away with it". But you know what? It still hurts like hell. I was very close to this person, and the bottom line is, I lost a best friend. I miss her every day. I caused myself a lot of pain that I could have done without had I not gotten so close to this woman. Affairs aren't just bad because of the pain they cause to others, it makes you a different person. This will always be the biggest thing I wish I could un-do in my life.