just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-18-2011, 04:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

23 years ago my wife became close to a co-worker and I confronted her then and she denied any sexual relationship. I believed her. She did however say that she wished I was more like him at times. We continued to socialize with him and his wife. Nine months later when she was pregnant with our first child I came home one day and found them talking. She was in her bathrobe and he was sitting on our bed (one floor open house). They said that his wife was cheating on him and he was looking for advice. I was very upset but believed her again. We continued to socialize with this couple sporadically and eventually saw them very infrequently. He did however do some remodeling on our house eight years ago which caused an argument between us and she said I didn't trust her. Now 23 years later I had a dream about her with him and I brought the subject up again. She admitted they had a three month affair 23 years ago but she stopped it before we decided to have kids. We now have three great kids. I have now found out that they have communicated once in a while over the years by phone and he has sent her emails on her birthday and at various times. Her responses were always generic and didn't point to an ongoing relationship. However I doubt I have seen all the emails. After she told me about the affair she called him to warn him that I might call to confront him. She denied she had contacted him but I found an email asking for his cell number. She eventually admitted to calling him and made the point that she wouldn't ask for his cell number if she was involved with him. She also told me she had told him to quit calling her eight years ago after the remodel project because I was upset. She says the recent contact only started in the last year. Am I being made a fool of? Can I trust her? Can she be truthful? We have had endless disucssions where she swears she has told me everything but I can't get over her willingness to continue to communicate with this guy and her willingness to lie to me after she told me about the affair. Am I wrong. Putting this issue aside, we have had a great marriage (very loving) and she has been a great mother to our kids. I don't understand women. By the way, I have always been faithful. Because I have been so hurt and now doubt her I check her emails and phone logs (I have gone back six years and found nothing else). I hate doing it and she says I have a trust problem.
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

I had to laugh when you said that your wife accused YOU of having a trust problem. She fails to see the irony in this comment? It is so very easy to turn the table and say "you have the problem, not me"! You do have a trust problem and guess what, she created it! I would think you are an idiot if you didn't have doubts about her based on this revelation! She is a liar, pure and simple. She has lied to you about something that is incredibly important to the two of you - your marriage. Now let's consider what else she has lied about???

She does not sound very remorseful either. You need complete and total transparency with her - cell phones, e-mail accounts, Facebook (cancel the damn thing!) etc. Yes, you do need to know what she is doing all the time. Oh yeah, and no more contact with the OM. Absolutely none....and you tell her if she does, that is it for you. Has to be an ultimatum there. If you want to save this marriage, and if she wants to as well, she needs to understand that she has damaged your trust and it needs to be repaired. This is a long process and some say once broken, it can never be fixed, totally. You will always have doubt, trust me on that.

Go get some marriage counseling as well. You are going to have to work at it.
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Old 02-18-2011, 06:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

She's cheated on you physically and emotionally for 23 years. DNA your kids ASAP.
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Old 02-18-2011, 06:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

She actually said you have trust problem? Oh man, I would tell her the only reason I have a "trust problem" is because you have a "let another mans peni$ inside me problem". I agree DNA your kids. Or just tell her that you have and that you are expecting the results any day. but be sure to look her in the face when you tell her. Watch her expression. That should be enough.

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 02-18-2011 at 06:32 PM.
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

I am so sorry you are going through this, I agree with all of the above posts, doesn't matter if it happened 23 years ago, or 23 hours ago, she needs to deal with the consequences, and I hope you can both work through this. She needs to fess up and cut him out of your lives, is there any chance any of your kids might be his genetically? I hate to go there, but you deserve to know.
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Old 02-18-2011, 08:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

On the comments about laughing in regards to "She says I have a trust issue." - You should know this is a reoccurring theme with the disloyal. She is simply deflecting what she cannot face in herself onto you. Simply put, she has trust issues because of the trust in you she betrayed.

While this is just one opinion from the many... Before you scream "DNA test!" to her, think about what you would do if 1) They aren't yours, and 2) How you will recover if they are yours and you put your wife through this. Of course she should understand why you would want to have this done, but I'd be surprised if she was mature enough to completely understand the situation based on the fact that she is deflecting instead of reflecting. Also, given the age of the children now, depending on the state, you cannot force them to get a DNA test- it would be their decision, and is one you have to take into account and respect.
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Old 02-19-2011, 12:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

If you saw me (and the other guy) and my kids you would not have any doubt that I am their father. A DNA test is not necessary nor would it matter at this point.
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Arrow Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by williforget View Post
If you saw me (and the other guy) and my kids you would not have any doubt that I am their father. A DNA test is not necessary nor would it matter at this point.
maybe...maybe not. looks are no guarantee of squat being T or F.

Fact: she/he cheated on you 23 & poss less yrs ago.
Fact: she/he lied to you, decieved you, same as above.
Fact: she/he continued this "special realm" outside of u,
perpetuating basically, an EA for 23yrs.
Fact: you found out, and are dealing with(?) accepting(?)
perpetuating(?) it yourself(you/your choose/choice).

We dont see her demeanor, body language, her tone of
voice, etc. so its hard for us to say anything judgemental
re: her sincerity. obviously, trust has been broken/shaken
here thus, yer dilemma going forward.

IT is natural for us (when we are walking in the flesh) to
deny, deny, deny. for the mirror isnt pretty then(speaking here
of yer W being truly sorry, humble, caring, etc). Even if we/they
are telling the truth. its an anguish, a hell on earth type
of experience when one is trying to ascertain the truth of
a matter so close to the heart such as this is.

u have to ask yourself alot of tough questions. what can u live
with, and what can u NOT live with. what can u forgive, what
can u NOT forgive. ITs different for all of us.

i for one, believe i would (for i must do so, for both our good....) be able to forgive in some short period of time (6mos or less) but i couldnt live with her again as my many painful yrs of
living with her under the false umbrella of mistrust/distrust/false
sense of security/false peace of mind would only be accentuated by the many things she did/said (some of which u've already mentioned) over the yrs and i'd feel like a stooge, or pathetic little dwarf of a man, who got USED by accepting a W who is/was always ready to be USED by any other male, if the opportunity presents/presented itself.

like i said......tough questions/thoughts to be resolved by u, tho' i guess u could stick yer head in the sand again (what u
basically did, as indicated by yer own post here).

just some thoughts/impressions i got here reading yer post.
(including also: did u ever VALIDATE that OW cheating excuse
they gave u when they were in YOUR bedroom, or ignore it?)

You are not alone.

dont shoot this msgr man.
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Old 02-21-2011, 12:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

I did confirm 22 years ago that the other guy's wife was having an affair. I was able to confirm this becasuse she contacted me then and told me. I think she suspected something had been going on with her husband and my wife, but we both were convinced by our spouses that it was not a physical affair. We all eventually moved on. Remember this was when we were in our mid20's and were not nearly as wise and elightened as we are now. My wife has steadfastly said that nothing happened physically after 23 years ago but she admits there were some lingeringing feelings after she broke it off. She admits she realized that she had a made a mistake then and committed to us. That was why she made the decision to have kids (I wanted them as well - I just did not realize then what she had done previously). It was not a mistaken pregnancy then. She went off the pill and we were pregnant shortly thereafter. We have been going to counseling and her "story" has remained consistent, but I still can't understand why she allowed this guy to continue to contact her (she says very infrequently) and she would reply (although her replies were very neutral to him). Can someone really have an affair (she admits she thought she loved him then - but realized towards the end that some things about him bothered her and she realized she wanted to be with me) and then continue a cordial relationship over so many years? I want to believe her but admit that I still don't get it.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Your gut will never stop churning over this until you strap her to a polygraph and find out if she has been physically cheating this whole time. Look at you now, 23 years later and you're still obsessing. Hell, if I was in your shoes I would be too.

Put a stake in it and take action.
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Old 02-21-2011, 10:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Lightbulb Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

chants....

"Poly! Poly! Poly!....Paaallllyyyy!"


good idea, methinks (for many).

Shalom.............
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Old 02-21-2011, 10:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

That whole "stoning them in the street" thing starts looking better every day.

let me help ya out her bud...

you want an honest relationship, start by being honest with yourself.

Then be honest with her.

Testing the kids will upset them, i get it, but they have the right to know. so do you.

Look, you are married to a dishonest person. you have no reason to trust her. Stop kidding yourself and make her earn trust. If you are even the slightest bit important to her she will break her neck to prove herself.

One ounce less than total effort on her part means she probably did more than you think.
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Old 02-22-2011, 04:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by zsu234 View Post
She's cheated on you physically and emotionally for 23 years. DNA your kids ASAP.
Sorry, but I agree.
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Old 02-22-2011, 05:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

You can test your kids with a simple cotton swap test through the internet.

Get one that is geared for genealogy to save face.

But get another one for paternity too.

You don't have to tell your kids you doubt their paternity. And do not tell your wife you are doing this.

Find out the do what you must with the results.

Your wife has deceived you for more than 2 decades and thinks that the passage of time is what matters.

It does not. When something like this is finally aired? It is like it just happened.

The THEFT of time is monstrous.
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Old 02-24-2011, 11:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: just found out my wife cheated 23 years ago

Thanks everyone for your input but I did originally question the paternity of our first child. She convinced me then that nothing was going on then and she has convinced me that our children are mine. They look like spitting images of me and have some unique physical characteristics that are mine. Believe me I have looked long and hard. They are adults now so doing a DNA test is too painful and in the end it would not matter when it comes to my relationship with them. I am their father regardless. This does not mean I don't have some lingering doubts about her relationship with the OM. I am curious if anyone went to the stage of a polygraph and what the experience and result was?
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