Signs of cheating to watch for - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-21-2011, 07:55 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 56
Signs of cheating to watch for

As set out in another thread, I have recently found out (conclusively, now) that my wife has been cheating on me for at least the last two months.

I thought that perhaps it might help others who are in that horrible place of doubt and questioning if I listed what the signs were for me. I am sure that every case is slightly different, but my the signs of my wife's deceit seem to be almost "textbook" examples:

1. Unexplained heavy email, text or cell phone traffic, often at weird hours.
2. Responding to such traffic in a strange manner. Concealing, furtive, behavior. Declining to pick up certain calls in your presence. Waking up early (or staying late) with cell phone.
3. Guarding cell phone and laptop like the Crown jewels.
4. Work routine changes slightly or temporarily, without adequate explanation.
5. Expressed desire for new activity, hobby, course, excursion (without you).
6. Some of spouse's best friends and colleagues, previously friendly, are polite but avoid contact with you.
7. Spouse utters other person's name in normal conversation more than warranted.
8. Change in pattern consumption of alcohol or drugs. (As in "I really like this new California white wine, we had it at the party at work, so I bought a case of it. Am having a glass before dinner." or "I haven't smoked dope since college, but I have the craving to do it again this week!".)
9. Despite concealing some conduct (#2), is rather sloppy at hiding others. Seems to have a sense of mission, euphoria and that he/she won't get caught.

and the most hurtful:

10. You catch spouse in lies (or highly improbable explanations) to you about where spouse has been or is going. When you challenge spouse, he/she pushes back hard. ("You are imagining things." or "What business do you have were you looking at my agenda in my briefcase/handbag?")
11. Spouse is absent from the home more often, even when not with Other Person.
12. Spouse seems suddenly disengaged with you, not interested in your life or career. Not supportive. Avoids in-laws like the plague.
13. Spouse not interested in sex with you.
14. Spouse escalates disengagement to fault-finding with you. (As in, "What do you mean, spend this Saturday afternoon with you? Last Saturday all you did was clean the garage and then go shopping for groceries, leaving me alone. So this Saturday I am going to do my own thing [unexplained]. Bye." or "What do you mean talk things over? I can't talk to you, you don't know to communicate. I feel suffocated. Bye."
15. Socially, spouse still sparkles when with you, but as soon as you are together alone, the glum demeanor returns, your hand gets dropped.

I am really amazed how someone can deny any responsibility for the marriage and how they got into the affair, lie about it to their loyal spouse, and try to project and pin (skewer is a better verb) the blame or responsibility completely onto the loyal spouse. The disloyal spouse should at least have the decency to be respectful (and embarrassed!), and accept their 50% part in the marriage and the 100% consequences of their actions.

This is surely one of life's cruellest cuts.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-21-2011, 07:58 AM
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 88
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

Thanks for noting this down Andrew, hopefully it will help others. On reading this, yes I can see how my fiance did MOST of those things. I thank my lucky stars that he (seems to be) one of the remorseful ones, he has done a complete turnaround. Now he's disclosing everything, trying really hard, very remorseful. But it's horribel to go through :'(
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-21-2011, 09:24 AM
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 232
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

Be cautious about the cheater who buys a pre-paid cellphone.
Regrettably, most who are on this site, have already confirmed their suspicions. I wish I had seen your list before hand. I missed the signs because every warning sign had a probable explanation other than "she's cheating!" Hindsight is clearly 20/20.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-21-2011, 09:29 AM
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Location: Duluth, MN
Posts: 267
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

I wish my wife showed ANY of these signs. The only one, was withdrawing from me, but we were kind of doing that well before hand already.....

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

Epicurus 341 BCE – 270 BCE
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-21-2011, 02:01 PM
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,910
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

I'd agree with the first 5, and 12 and 13. Not so much on the rest.

As far as the pre-paid cell-phone... In these days of smart phones and Skype, pre-paid isn't a requirement for sneaking out a call.

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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-21-2011, 07:01 PM
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,699
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

Its a b*tch being in the cheating police, so far so good for me none have come up since Feb.10

#16 Spouse goes to bed with you and you wake up in the middle of the night to find her and her car gone. Wake up the next morning with spouse sleeping next to you.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 11:43 AM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vernal, Utah
Posts: 253
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

Holy Crap!!! My wife hit on almost every one of them on that list!
All of them EXCEPT #'s 7 and 8.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 12:00 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 280
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

1,3,5,10,and 14 was how I found out
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 12:05 PM
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,249
Re: Signs of cheating to watch for

My wife would jealously guard "her nights" to go to the YMCA to workout. But get home hours, and hours later, not really toned, and her workout clothes not even worn.

Once or twice she could explain away, but I put it together starting with that.
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