turnera

When you confront her, and she refuses to stop, your next step is to expose the affair to her family and his family.

paramore

I still go back and forth on the exposing, my husband didn't agree with how I chose to tell our kids why I kicked daddy out, (that was just a week ago, he's home now, and so far no evidence of contact), I do believe he is being honest....but anyways....the eldest purposely eavesdropped on me, so I had no choice to tell her the current situation, she doesn't know the knitty gritty...I do believe that some content is necessary to help our girls know what is going on. I have made it quite clear that we are BOTH at fault by the way.

turnera

How can kids learn not to cheat if you don't tell them it's wrong? Especially if cheating is breaking up their family.

paramore

This is so true Turnera. How are things going in your neck of the woods Hurting?

HurtinginTN

Not too good, paramore. This weekend went pretty much as expected. I went to my parents' Friday night. I watched her chat with him until about 1:30 in the morning. She set it up with him to chat again from 11:00 to 3:30 on Saturday. I got some of that before I had to take the kids to a skating party. My niece took over and copied the rest of the transcripts. I haven't seen all of that yet. I hope for my niece's sake it didn't get too ugly.

She had to get off the game at 3:30 so she could get ready for our date. It started fairly well. We went to see a movie. However, when we got home, she got on Spadester. I yanked the power cord to the modem and gave her the letter I had prepared for Sunday evening. I expected her to get on then, instead of Saturday night after our "date". She went out and called him again.

I have the transcripts and the phone records. I told her last night she has 5 minutes and I'm telling the kids about her affair. I sat them down on the couch to tell them. She said, "What you are doing is foolish." I said, "No. What you are doing is foolish." I just told the kids that we both love them very much.

I told my wife after that, "No contact for life with that man. If there is any contact, the kids get the whole story. If this adulterous affair (Thanks Eli-zor for this wording. She hates it!) is so wonderful that you absolutely must continue it, then you should want to shout it from the rooftop."

The modem is hidden currently. I am debating over whether to just cancel the internet or go with a keylogger. I have the sole access to her cell phone online records.

This man threatened to hit a man in the head with a hammer at work because the man touched him. "I don't like to be touched." Even after he told her that, she continued her chat with him. I am considering going to the police to file a restraining order against him. He is apparently a violent man and I don't want him anywhere near my family. He has no criminal history, at least my $70 investment didn't find any. However, his chat about hitting a man in the head with a hammer seems to me like I should be able to get a restraining order to protect my family. Is that an option?

Pit-of-my-stomach

No. It's not. Generally, a restraining order is issued as protection against repeat violence. In some cases you can be granted a restraining order if direct documented threats have been made against you. But, not always & that isn't easy to get. (I know first hand).

How did the exposure to her father work ?

HurtinginTN

Of course, she hated it. I told him the day after I witnessed the chat. I told him she ends it that day or we are finished. That is the day she got on and told him it was over. I told him that night that she had ended it. I have not yet disclosed to him that she only went 2 days without contact.

She did call her brother and talk to him a while yesterday. Of course, I could only hear her side of the conversation. It was clear that he was telling her that it wasn't all me. Of course, she was making me out to be a monster. He wasn't having it and apparently was telling her she was in the wrong.

Spadester is gone. For now, the internet is gone. I'll decide whether to keep it or not as time goes by. The venom spewed last night was indeed horrible. She does not want the kids to know. She also knows that I will tell them if she contacts him again. Maybe I will anyway.

She had something she was holding over my head. That threat has been dealt with. She can no longer hold it over my head. One day at a time. I'll ignore the venom for a while and see how it goes.

paramore

Good for you man, keep on keepin on. Unfortunately, time is the only thing you have right now. Keep taking things day by day, I know it's HARD. Take care of yourself. I am just trying to do things day by day, as I am not a very patient person, (another thing I need to work on myself for lol), you are finally taking charge, and she doesn't like it.

Pit-of-my-stomach

Dude... Why are you doing that? Actually I think I know the answer...

Angry outbursts will solidify you as the bad guy and push her to him. Any efforts you make (Plan "A") are instantly and totally erased from memory and replaced by more justification in her head WHY she is "in love" with him and why this is all your fault...

Threats don't work. Particularly with you, your wife owns you. She knows it. She does not respect you and doesn't think you will follow through.

More threats.

paramore

Yeah, you gotta follow through for sure, I know it's easy to go back and forth. I've been there man, I see you are gathering evidence, that's good. I think I misread up above, I thought you had told the kids what was going on.

HurtinginTN

Evidence. I wasn't only watching, I was copying and saving. I have serious doubts that this will work out. For now, I will put up with the venom since everyone says it is an addiction. Maybe I should have gone ahead and told the kids last night. She knows that wasn't a threat. I fully expect her to contact him in the next day or two.

She did own me. I had to let her think that a little longer to get some stuff taken care of. That is over and done. No more blackmail. Nothing she can hang over my head. I have a large scratch on my face from where she attacked me this weekend. I took a picture this time. I also made a point to show my brother-in-law at my daughter's birthday party and gave him the story. He went through an affair with his first wife.

The ducks are in a row for the stick. Yes, the angry outbursts have to stop in order to present a carrot. I was prepared for her to get back on Sunday. I was totally thrown off guard that she would have the nerve to get on there Saturday night after our "date". Since then, I have handled the venom without angry outbursts.

turnera

What are you doing to fix YOUR half of the marriage, so she has a reason to choose you?

HurtinginTN

Good question. Last week, I went against the 180 and sent her some flowers. She acted like she really appreciated them. However, she kept getting back on with the boyfriend. Since the kids and I were leaving Friday, we wrote notes on heart-shaped post it notes and placed them all around the house. I made sure to put one on the wine bottle (She drinks a glass or two of wine as she plays Spades) and on the computer screen. I had been leaving her notes every morning before I left for work (She is usually still sleeping when I leave.) thanking her for taking care of the children. I had been working hard to tell her what I appreciate about her. I have printed out the emotional needs questionnaires, but she hasn't looked at them (I'm sure she won't any time soon). I have started working out.

After this weekend, my desire to become a better man has been completely drained. Right now, she hates me. I am taking away her crack pipe. I don't see much I can do at this point except the 180. That and ignore the venomous babble coming out of her mouth. She says I am controlling. I bought and am listening to an 8 CD series on control issues. Personally, she is much more controlling than I am. However, there is wisdom to be gleaned from those CD's. I bought a marriage game from marriage builders. She won't play that for a while, I'm sure. I am reading "Surviving and Affair." I am trying to take one day at a time.

paramore

I just read that book too, it's a great read, I have been leaving it around the house hoping he'll pick it up, I doubt he ever will. You know Saturday morning, I was having one of those back and forth days and was completely drained too. I took a 2 hour nap and woke up with a new attitude. Take some time for yourself man, to recharge.

Eli-Zor

Thanks for the update. An observation, do not do things in half measures, if you have a task do it fully and complete it.

Continue to refer to the affair using strong words , words and phrases phrases such as :-

Adulterous affair
You are using my love for you to fuel your emotional and sexual fantasy for another man.
You are intentionally and purposefully destroying our love, marriage and family
Privacy is for the bathroom, secrecy is deceit.
There is no room for a third person in a marriage , your adulterous affair parter is a predator and is exploiting you to satisfy his own carnal needs without care or thought for you, our children or me.


A couple of do and don'ts summarized from the 180

Your wife will follow the affair scripts, be prepared to draw a line and decide how much you are prepared to tolerate.

She will continue the affair
She will spit venom
She will not accept she is in an affair
She will hate you and gaslight you

How do you deal with this:-

You sit with her and set the boundaries. Use some of the phrases and words given above. Be consistent when using them. Try not to use them as love buster but as mere fact.

She must fully commit willingly to rebuild the marriage, the consequence you keep to your self at this stage is she moves out. (Prepare a plan for this, the affair script says this is going to happen)

You request a further handwritten no contact letter, if she writes this you copy it and send a copy to her family

A sample can be found below

Sample No Contact Letters

She may decline and continue to the affair, if she contacts him make a decision as to when and move her to your BIL house. The children stay with you. You must have a plan what to do with the children, do not dilute the plan. Tell the children the truth no matter how hard it is for you, do not use it as a threat over her head.

have you told some of her good friends. if not do so before she tells them another story .


Track the OM's friends and family down, we need to rock his boat, make this affair unpleasant for him and not worth his while.